about DS friends behaviour?

[4everhopeful]

Sorry this has ended up long. Didn't want to dripfeed. Probably way too much detail. DS just started yr 2, since Yr 1 has had one particularly overpowering friend. This friend started in reception, DS been there since nursery and pretty well rounded easy going and popular boy, played with everyone, prior to yr 1, (2 yrs in nursery and reception) had 2 real best friends he played with all the time, one he'd known since birth, as they're older siblings in yr 5 who are also good friends in same class, and I'm also good friends with both parents, so lots of play dates out of school.

When overpowering friend started in reception DS often complained several times he was annoying, and on occasion of a birthday party I'd invited the whole class, DS kept saying but I don't want that boy to come. I encouraged DS that wouldn't be kind and he was invited anyway. Bit of backstory.

So in yr 1, suddenly this boy and DS were inseparable. Other friends no longer played with. Bit sad, but fair enough, friendships evolve, I really don't interfere in my kids friendships as well aware playground conflicts resolve themselves and kids are fickle! I try and guide, listen and support, obviously encourage kindness and good behaviour. DS and new friend had couple of incidents of being a bit cheeky and naughty at beginning of this friendship and were disciplined by the school (minor stuff, put on thinking chair). Got friendly with his mum and discussed these issues. Boys will be boys type behaviour. Initially as DS is very tall for his age, and other boy is very tiny, they look a very funny pair walking round holding hands! I think concerns were that my DS may have been the influencer in cheeky behavior etc. (Certainly by his mum). DS prior to this was a pretty good compliant kid so not the case as confirmed by the school.

Following chats I had with DS regarding behaviour it turned out this boy 'wouldn't allow DS to play with anyone else'. I said what about other best friends? 'No new friend will tell me off, I can play with them if he's not there though'. I tried telling him this isn't OK, he can play with who he wants. DS didn't want to upset friend. Then an incident occurred where DS apparently hit friend and was disciplined by school I was mortified and text mum to apologise. Asked DS to explain himself, he said boy was being mean and wouldn't let him play with a toy and kept throwing it away. I disciplined DS with a telling off, how unacceptable to hit, no tablet that evening. Friends mum didn't respond to text. Next day said was so upset couldn't reply to tx, i told DS to apologise to friend in front of mum, friend said my mum says you're a bully. DS looked rather hurt and shocked and apologised profusely. Mum and I spoke after drop off, she was in tears, worried for her 'tiny precious boy', I absolutely assured her it was not in DS nature, certainly no bullying issues. I was a bit hurt and annoyed by that. I assured her DS very sensitive, gentle, chilled and tolerant. My DD has mild ASD, so he's used to meltdowns, and a real kind and accepting soul, he can be a typical excitable boisterous boy, but not a mean bone in his body. His huge height, being the biggest in the class, to an outsider, I worried, gave that perception, but he's the ultimate gentle giant. Luckily the school were 100% aware and in agreement on this.

The friendship continued, and as inseperable as ever. DS kept complaining of a sore willy. I was on verge of going to the GP when he told DH and I that Friend often hit him in his willy. I said what do you do/say? DS said nothing, he's just playing being silly. I said does he hit/hurt you anywhere else? Turns out he was often very rough. DS accepted this as playing and didn't want to upset boy or get him in trouble! We raised it with teacher who brought mum in. Assured would not happen again. Mum a bit dismissive, oh I think all the boys do it to each other. I explained DS actually sometimes crying in pain when weeing it was so sore. Explained to DS, DON'T allow this to happen. Say No, you are hurting me. Tell a teacher immediately. Had to keep reiterating this. As if DS more worried about upsetting friend than being hurt.

Obviously from this alarm bells were ringing, and had many discussions with DS trying to encourage play with other friends, but DS continuing to play with this boy and saying he still 'wasn't allowed to play with anyone else'. Kept trying to say this is not OK, he's not in control of you. Make your own decisions. Discussed with school who kept them in separate groups in school environment sitting apart etc, but any playtime or free activity, and after school still together. After the willy hitting incident I kept mum at arms length a bit, though still friendly, but didn't raise other concerns that basically her son was being very controlling and overpowering, as it emerged the friend is being assessed for possibly ASD/ADHD. It would explain the boundary issues. Perhaps also DS ridiculous tolerance to being treated so badly, as he's used to accepting our poor DDs sometimes highly irrational emotional and angry outbursts when having her ASD meltdowns. DS did say the physical roughness had stopped with friend, I tried not to over stress and DH and I agreed that DS was eventually going to detach a bit, and this would evolve hopefully. They had a few playdates. And on observation at home DS did hold his own, which made me feel better, though some play was still a bit too rough. However through the holidays friend started wassapping and video calling on his mum and my phone, initially fairly sweet, it became constant. The voice messages were slightly disturbing. 'DS name I love you! I love you so much' Blowing kisses, continually repeating his name, telling him how much he loves him, telling him to reply and answer. Getting quite annoyed when no response. Its been continuous. Annoyingly so when I'm on the phone or out! DS participates and initially enjoyed novelty of being allowed my phone but also getting annoyed. 'Friend can I go now please?' 'But I don't want to send any more messages' Friends continual pledge of love also slightly disturbing me. I asked DS does he kiss you then? Apparently alot. DS has asked if he will be able to marry Friend. Friend has used words sexy and crush apparently. They are 6 ffs! I really don't know what his mums take is on all this. The boy is her only child, I get the feeling a poss struggle to have, maybe ivf, as soooo super precious on a pedastal to her. Very over protective can do no wrong. I totally get the precious element, our 2 are to us, I had several miscarriages, which is why I sense a similar case from her. But having 2, and an older DD I've dropped the precious perfection element myself a bit! The blinkers are off and I accept kids can be naughty, not perfect, need discipline and guidance, for their own good.

Anyway huge elaboration. But for me today the shit has really hit the fan, as perplexed as I've been, and for all the conversations I've had with DS about standing up for himself, and acceptable behaviour from friends, I've reluctantly sat back. Today a friend collected DS while I spoke to DDs teacher. DS teacher said apparently the boy sat on DS today and has been given a detention tomorrow. DS told me they were playing at lunch, argued over a game, and boy tried to punch DS twice which he dodged. Boy then smashed DS head down onto a fence. DS has big lump and bruise on forehead. DS then chased boy but boy got DS on ropes and sat on his face. I'm absolutely furious. This boy is so rough, has no boundaries. DS admitted he is scared of him. DS is literally twice his bloody size. He's a controlling little bully. We're going to ask for a meeting with his teacher and head of year tomorrow. It was discussed with his yr 1 teacher last year but I'm now actually quite disturbed. I'm worried it's going to affect DS long term, his self esteem, I'm worried he's going to just accept being a doormat. That it's OK to be hurt, effectively abused, and not speak up. I'm worried he's questioning his sexuality. He's asked lots of questions that are disturbing for a 6yr old.

I'm so sorry this is so long. I've tried to ride this out and not overreact.

I need a discussion with the mum but I don't know where to start? I'm worried she'll be immediately defensive and dismissive. I want to find a solution. They have nearly 5 more years of primary school together...?

I've been awake since 2am going over this all. Putting it out there for some perspective?

Gosh @4everhopeful I'm not surprised you're unable to sleep with everything that gone on/ongoing swirling around inside your head!
For the moment I would hold off speaking to the mum and meet and discuss everything with the school. They may prefer you don't speak with her also as I suspect they'll be speaking to her separately at some point.
With regards to your son, I think you've been handling everything as well as possible and both you and your DH keep doing what you're doing. Talking, reassuring, explaining and answering questions he may have etc etc. In an ideal world I would want them to be completely separated - you really must ensure the school know about all the inappropriate hitting, kissing and definitely let them know about the messaging too.
I can't even begin to hazard a guess as to what is going on with this other child, but that is where the school should be able to help - and your priority is to do what is best for your son (which I know you are doing)
Hopefully, having written this all down you have managed to un jumble some of your mind and will be able to get some sleep but for what it's worth, I'd probably re read your post and jot down some pointers for when you go into the school - so you can make sure you don't forget to mention certain issues that have arisen they may not already know about etc.
Ask the school what they suggest as you really want some space put between the two of them, not just in the classroom but at break times too - which will hopefully allow your son to play with others without being made to feel guilty or being told off for etc.
Really wishing you the very best of luck for your meeting, please let us know how you get on. Xx

@4everhopeful what a horrible situation for your DS (and you) to have to deal with, especially at only 6 years old.

I agree completely with everything @HappyBumbleBee has said and advised.

Meet with the school to discuss, do not speak to the other child's parents at this stage - let the school do that.

Have a think about what outcome you would like to see from this; do you want the boys to be kept entirely separately? Are you happy for them to remain friends as long as the abusive behaviour from the other boy stops?

Have a chat to your DS about what he would like the outcome to be, in an ideal world - in a world where his choices aren't going to hurt anyone else's feelings (i.e. if he decides he doesn't want to be friends with this boy, the boy won't be sad about it).

Keep doing what you're doing; remind your son that you are always on his side, that you, him, his Daddy and his Teachers are all a Team, working together to fix the problem - and you will fix it, and you will make sure that he is happy at school and that no one hurts him, or his feelings. Keep reminding your DS that what the other boy is doing to him is not right - it's not how friends treat each other and your DS is a nice, well behaved boy, a kind friend and does not deserve to be treated so badly by anyone, no matter who they are.

I'd perhaps encourage him to have some play dates after school with some other friends, so that you can show him, in a safe environment (his own home) that it is OK for him to have other friends and to help him to rebuild some of the friendships which have fallen away whilst he has been so involved with this other child.

Give your DS loads of cuddles and plenty of opportunities to talk about how he's feeling to help him feel secure and to give him some semblance of control in a situation where he will no doubt have been feeling very out of control.

It sounds like you're doing a really good job, though I'm not surprised you're awake in the middle of the night worrying about it - I'm sure I would be too! I hope your DS's school is quick to step in and deal with this mean little boy and ensure that your DS is supported and helped to feel safe at school again.

Wow, that's pretty unnerving, and I'm just reading it, not living it.

That boy has some issues. It could be related to 'asc' (think that encompasses adhd and autism and other related conditions) but it could also be an attachment issue if there's been a lot of stress and overprotectiveness at home (if he's PFB and the product of a long and arduous IVF journey) and down to some pretty simple mistakes in parenting.

But your issue isn't with what's wrong with that child, but rather what can be done to help your son. As PPs have put, no contact with the mother for now would be ideal and I would be pressing to have the boy moved to another class if there's more than one per year group.

My DD is kept from playing with a boy she gets on with, because their friendship is too intense and they both have attachment issues. She plays in one part of the playground and he plays in another. I'm not sure how they work out separating them but it works.

Your son will learn this is acceptable and that his feelings mean nothing, leaving him very vulnerable, if this other boy isn't kept away. It's such a shame the boy has isolated your son from his other friends.

Good luck and let us know if there's any development.

I would stop all contact with his friend outside school. Stop talking about it with his mum it's never going to help. Always talk to the teacher. Tell them please keep them separated because my sons getting hurt and doesn't like him. They will do it and inform the playground staff to separate them. This is what needs to happen. Stop worrying about your friends feelings.

I’d start organizing play dates with your son’s old friends and ask him to stay away from this boy at school.

This is a horrible situation, hopefully you have a good meeting with the school staff

Wow, your poor DS, is it a one form intake or could the other boy be moved to another class?

OK I can see how this has happened but look back over your post and see what mixed messages your son has been given. ‘Stand up for himself ‘ and yet when his instincts told him to steer clear of this boy and not want him at his party he was told to be kind. Being kind to this boy was the ‘right’ thing to do. Why have a whole class party, and not just his actual friends?

Then in the first significant incident he gets bullied, he gets into trouble at school, and despite him telling you what happened, him being bullied, you took his tablet away, and then made him apologise in front of the other Mum. What your boy has learned through that is that his ‘friend’, his school, his Mum and the other Mum all think it more important that he be ‘kind’ to his friend no matter how he gets treated and that his own feelings and treatment don’t count.

Then when your boy gets repeatedly hit in the genitals, to the point of needing to take him to the GP, there is no such reciprocal playground apology.

Step in. Tell your son that his friend is a bully. That you, his Mum, made a big mistake in telling him to be kind to someone who is horrible to him. Tell him that the boy is not s friend, that friends do not do what this boy has done and that from now on you will be on his side. Say he has done a good job in trying to stand up for himself but that he needs help, and you will give that help. Say that if the boy was a kind boy he would not tell him who he can play with. Arrange loads of play arrangements with former best friends (if they are still interested ).

Tell your friend, the Mum of former best friend, that you didn’t see what was happening and you are sorry their Dc got left out.

You need to make the strongest possible message to the school: they need to keep them apart and protect your Ds.

Do not communicate with the mother. She is complicit and enabling.

OP I had EXACTLY the same with DD last year, she's also in Y2 now. There was a girl who joined the class in reception year who didn't speak English and was had recently emigrated. My DD - despite the language barrier - was the only one who played with her and they became inseparable. Which at the time was lovely to see. But fast forward to Y1, friend is fluent in English and so that barrier was broken down, but she was a pest with DD and wouldn't let her make other friends or even sit with them at lunch, on the carpet at storytime etc.

I didn't want to make a "thing" of it but after w while I just went in and spoke to her teacher. I'm so pleased I did as she had no idea how DD felt, assumed they were fine and then made efforts to ensure they did less and less together. I think sometimes it's all you can do is speak to the teacher and I wish I'd done it sooner.

I think you need to tell the school it's a safeguarding issue and to keep the boy away from your DS. Insist.

Tell your DS to have nothing to do with him.

Do not speak to the mum let school deal with it.

My sister has this a long term domineering “friend” of my niece was actually a controlling bully. We live a few hours away but attended my nieces party and both my girls spotted the dynamic immediately.
My sister did all in her power to detach kindly but firmly. No more lifts. Play dates with others. Sadly girl accused my little gentle niece of being a bully and “leaving her out” as she didn’t like losing her whipping girl. For this and other reasons my sister moved her from the school she’s now thriving and a different child. Good luck op

I have read back over your OP,

I just don’t understand how you allowed ‘a few playdates’ after the willy hitting and when the school were by then trying to keep them apart. And then to go on and facilitate the Whatsapp communication.

I do know how it creeps up and we hope for the best etc. But your boy was crying in pain when weeing . Don’t beat yourself up but to help yourself help your boy best, look at your own boundaries. Read up on people pleasing.

I don’t think talking to the Mum will help as, like you, she has no control of what her son does in school. It’s also likely she will be defensive, she’s not going to choose your side over her son’s.

I would push for the school to deal with it. Can your son be moved to a different class without this boy in it? I’d also ask if they can keep an extra eye on the two boys at playtime and make sure that if they’re playing together it’s not becoming rough.

Only read your op, as we had some similaritites with my eldest at same age, although it didn't descend into the love/physical abuse stuff.

DO NOT even attempt to discuss this with mum, go via the school. I wanted to talk to the mum but on the advice of dh ( a teacher) we went via school. It turns out that was sensible advice as I found out several other parents had similar troubles had tried approach mum and she'd blown up at them and it all got unpleasant.

I too told my son to be kind to people but then I realised he was being manipulated into an unhealthy relationship, being told he couldn't play with other people etc. School were really good at separating them encouraging other friendships etc. I scaled back all out of school contact and in your instances so all phone contact between them.

I think school should know the whole story as there are safeguarding concerns here. I'm concerned about what that boy is experiencing in his home life to trigger him behaving like this and that is what school have a responsibility to investigate, but not you. Tell them exactly the language and actions that your child has described this boy saying. We had a minor incident of bad language and boys pulling down pants and commenting on private areas that we mentioned to school and they dealt with by bringing the mum into school but the conversation wasn't shared with us. I was happy to enter into a mediation/discussion with mum with school involved but they said it wasn't necessary. They handled it all and when the children moved to junior school they facilitated them separate classes.

You sound like I was when my eldest started school, wanting to help them forge relationships and being considerate of others, unfortunately not everyone has the ability to act in the same way. Now you must fight for your child only and what is best for him. Be strong

I think the corralling your child off from other relationships is quite dangerous and isolating. Dds school always move people around and discourage “best friends” which is wise imo. Dd often comes home to say how she has got to know random boys and how nice they are like same books etc. as made to sit next to each other

Do not engage with the mum anymore. At all.

Talk to the school,explain all the issues,insist they are separated.

Model to your son how to stand up by himself and enforce boundaries by example. No more playdates,no more being kind.

Stop sending him mixed messages. You can't expect him to put himself out there and reject this boy at school when you're arranging playdates for him ffs. You encouraged and nurtured this friendship for 2 years, you can't expect your 6 yo to undo this and navigate it emotionally in a couple of days.

Invite other kids over for playdates and try to rebuild some of his old friendships and new ones.

Thank you so much to everyone that's taken time to respond, and for your support, understanding and empathy. Its very hard to apply logic sometimes when my feelings are so intense. I'm angry, sad and worried, and just want to protect my poor sweet boy before any more physical and emotional damage is done. 😔 I just wish the boy would leave all together.

I spoke with his class teacher and head of year this morning (my DDs old teacher whom we have an excellent relationship), I was very relieved to hear they are very conscious and aware this is an ongoing issue and they already actively keep them separate. They've only been in yr 2 for just over 3 weeks, I wanted them to settle, get to know each other, and see for themselves, before I discussed my concerns of the controlling friendship with the new teacher. So, obviously very happy that it's been an obvious issue to her, I imagine passed on from the previous yr, and same head of yr was also aware of past issues. We have a meeting after school today and my DH will be there too.

I totally agree to not approach the mother. After the willy hitting incident not being taken as incredibly seriously as it should of been by her, as I said, I've kept her very much at arms length.

I have constantly questioned my DS on how this boy is treating him and behaving. Always reiterating play with other friends. He is not really your friend if he hurts you. It is not OK to be mean. Don't worry about about hurting his feelings, he is not worried about hurting yours. It's not healthy or normal how he behaves. God I've continually tried to gently, and forcefully, make my poor son see sense. I constantly tell DS what a good kind person he is and how he deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. He is absolutely showered with love and cuddles from us all, and also the right amount of rough play, banter and toughening up if you like, as well, both in our home environment and with Uncles and cousins, and other friends etc. He's not a wimp, but he's so overly thoughtful, caring and sensitive to others.

He has continued to seem to happily want to stay friends with this boy despite all my persuasive points to avoid. I keep asking has he hurt you/hit you ect and DS said not. Kept reiterating he must tell the teacher and us immediately if he does. Tell the boy, don't hit me. It seemed hopefully the physical side had resolved. Continually almost daily last term they came out of school asking to go to each others house to play. We continually made excuses that he could not. We relented once and allowed DS to go to his house for tea. We arranged to pick him up one hour later. It was apparently uneventful and DS had fun. But didn't like the dinner, actually said he was a bit bored. So the novelty was over with thankfully and he stopped continually asking! We also allowed one play date at our house, during the holidays, on my part I was intrigued to see exactly what the dynamic was in our home environment. My DS was very excitable, the boy a little wary, but I did witness and stop play becoming rough, and slight bickering over what to play with. I was actually slightly reassured that my DS did stand up for himself and was not completely one sided. However I think that's because we were at home with me not taking an eye off them!

These are the only 2 playdates. There was one more whole class birthday party of my DS. Also the summer fair. There is also a youth club type adventure playpark after school group. They have attended this a handful of times and the staff there are also aware of my concerns. In fact a friend works there so I'm reassured by that. These are the only out of school interactions. Please believe I have not enabled out of school interaction in any way, and prevented it at every opportunity.

Regarding the messaging and calling, again, an initial novelty on my DS part he found quite funny and wanted to engage in. He soon got quite bored and annoyed with it as I said. Obviously it is my phone, so for the most part I completely ignore these messages, drop the calls, and don't even tell DS.

I have also tried to maintain the original friendships and others, including our next door neighbour who's in his class. Sadly one of the original best friends, a girl who adored DS, and the mum and I joked we'd be in laws, has just moved away. The other boy is in his class as well and we pick him up most days, he's been over to play many times with his sister and my DD, we've had days out, they are in after school clubs together (minus controlling boy). They also went to football training together with our DDs after school, for nearly a year. The original best friends mum knows the situation and my unhappiness at our boys not playing in school and reason why, from the start. We are good friends and chat regularly. This original friend is actually also under ASD assessment, so like my DD quite happy to dance round the playground on his own, liking his own company. I don't think he's deeply hurt that DS doesn't play with him at school now, as DS and he sometimes played sometimes didn't. I think my DS laid back easy going attitude was an ideal friendship scenario for original friend.

Again, I've burbled on a bit, but wanted to clarify some of the points raised by pp.

Speaking to DS again yesterday and today he seems unwilling to want to end the friendship, but I understand this boy has got right under his skin, the proclamations of love, whilst threatening to not be his friend, tell him off, or hurt him are incredibly emotionally manipulative. My poor just turned 6yr old DS obviously cannot process the logic and psychology. It's almost like he's been brainwashed and shuts out all my gentle encouragement and advice. I'm truly at a loss of what to do to help him see and understand he deserves so much better and to be respected and safe. This is not a healthy friendship. I asked again this morning, since you've been back at school, has he hurt you apart from yesterday? He replied most days yes.

I'm just wanting to burst into tears at the thought my baby's being treated like this, and has somehow normalised it, and the other part of me wants to scream blue murder I'm so angry at this boy.

Thank you again for reading and replying. And apologies at how long winded it's been. It has helped me clear my thoughts for the meeting later by writing this down.

Tell the school everything.

Sorry, cross post

Your son sounds lovely, he will recover from this....you’re doing all the right things.

Good luck this afternoon

Do not engage with the mother.

Tell the school everything, stay in touch and update school on any further problems. Call for another meeting if you don't see an improvement.

If the school fail to deal with this and keep your DS safe I'd consider changing schools.

Don't allow any more WhatsApp communication between the boys.

I'd start having smaller birthday parties and only inviting a few children not the whole class, so bully can be excluded without causing a scene.

Encourage other friendships, organise play dates, days out and sleepovers with other children.

Hope the after school meeting went well and that the other boy leaves yours alone

Reading your update @4everhopeful you really are doing all you can do and being calm and sensible about it all - whilst I can imagine you are carrying around an awful sick feeling in your stomach and really just want to sit and cry! Your son WILL get through this - and it's very reassuring to know the school are aware of alot of the issues already - it sounds as though he has a healthy balance of friends and activities aside from this other boy and hopefully the gap between them will begin to broaden more over time.
It doesn't sound like it's going to be an easy fix over night but your son is being open and honest with you about what is happening thank goodness so fingers crossed this continues. Be mindful not to question him too much.....a quick how did you get on today? any problems with.???....or was....????..ok with you today etc and then leave it and move on to something else.
I really hope your meeting went ok after school today - it sounds like you have a very good relationship with the school and they with you which can be had the battle in this day and age xx

Can you pick him up for lunch for a few weeks and bring him back for the afternoon session?

Don't want to go into too much detail but one of my kids went through a similar situation. Friends from a young age with a rough child- they genuinely liked each other but my child would get the brunt of the roughness AND since they were much larger than the other child, would get the lion's share of the blame. I would also get aggro from the mother. Nothing, NOTHING about her child, though: a PFB, only child who could do no wrong... It got so bad I had to formally complain through the school because there was an after-school incident she tried to blame on my child, when it was her kid's fault (and witnessed by many others...) To make a long story short - we moved schools. I was, at that point, the only one who'd had a real problem with her. That quickly changed as others came on her child's radar.

Would strongly suggest breaking the cycle by separating them more completely. The other mother is practicing permissive parenting. She will ALWAYS blame someone else. Never her own son. Cut off ALL contact outside of school. Build your son's self-esteem. Her kid will likely eventually move on to someone else to obsess over. But in that meantime you've got to protect your son by keeping him away from the other child's violence. Which the other mother will never recognize as "violence" but will always justify with some reason or other "self-defence" or "hijinks" or the deeply flawed "boys will be boys". She will always excuse him and your son will get the blame.

You may have to model "good play" for your son so that he understands what it is. And what to do when he is hurt by this other child. And you may have to start documenting/photographing injuries. I know that's a bit nuclear but if this is going to be a long-term relationship, you might want the proof down the line if this other mother starts gaslighting you and saying "it wasn't so bad" in Y1/2.

Once again thank you to everyone that's taken the time to reply! @HappyBumblebee you've made some particularly valuable points about not overquestioning it, that it won't be a quick fix sadly, and I'm really holding on to the hope DS will be OK bless you.. Xx

The meeting went well, the school were aware of some aspects, obviously we also told them (and showed them the messaging), the not being allowed to play with others, the physical aspect, and the emotional effect, as well as the inappropriate continual I Love Yous and kissing.. They were busily writing down alot of what we told them and quite shocked by it. They are actively seperating them in all class and learning environments, lunchtimes, ect and encouraging group play in the playground. They are obviously going to be incredibly vigilant and on the look out for any inappropriate or physical behaviour, even more so in light of the meeting.

The fundamental issue we have, is that DS continues to seem to want to and enjoy playing with this boy despite everything. For the school to truly intervene at outside play DS has to ask them too, and most importantly tell the teachers whenever this boy does anything inappropriate or hurts him. Obviously if they witness it themselves they will deal with it appropriately, as they did with yesterday's incident. That was witnessed rather than reported by DS.

DS has been totally reluctant to say anything at all, even when pressed by me, or them.

However I started this post earlier, before bedtime. My poor DS just opened up more than he ever has. He has often said he doesn't want to get up for school, which I've taken as more of a waking up issue. I asked do you not want to go because of this boy, and he said yes. He said he does want to stop playing with him but he doesn't know how. He just said - if only he was kind? I reiterated what school said, you must ask for help, tell them what he's doing. He said he felt shy. I reaffirmed school are like mummy and daddy, I trust them to do what I do while you're with them, to look after you, help you, keep you safe. You can trust them. They care about you. I also tried the tactic that telling them everything this boy has done, will actually help this boy be a better person and a kinder friend, to know right from wrong, that DS would actually be helping this boy by telling me and the teachers exactly what's been going on. I feel a huge hurdle has been overcome tonight. Poor DS was literally squirming he was so uncomfortable and nervy discussing it. But also exuded an exhausted relief. I promised him we will make it better together. We've planned to go really early in the morning so DS can talk to his teacher and say he does want help to avoid playing with this boy. He asked if I could write a note so he knew what to say bless him. I totally reassured him we will talk to his teacher together and I will help and support him completely. I kept praising him on his courage bravery and honesty, and trying to reassure him we will make this better. I truly hope we can. Poor soul seems so vulnerable and lost. It's really heartbreaking. Here's hoping for the beginning of the end of it.