Sorry this has ended up long. Didn't want to dripfeed. Probably way too much detail. DS just started yr 2, since Yr 1 has had one particularly overpowering friend. This friend started in reception, DS been there since nursery and pretty well rounded easy going and popular boy, played with everyone, prior to yr 1, (2 yrs in nursery and reception) had 2 real best friends he played with all the time, one he'd known since birth, as they're older siblings in yr 5 who are also good friends in same class, and I'm also good friends with both parents, so lots of play dates out of school.
When overpowering friend started in reception DS often complained several times he was annoying, and on occasion of a birthday party I'd invited the whole class, DS kept saying but I don't want that boy to come. I encouraged DS that wouldn't be kind and he was invited anyway. Bit of backstory.
So in yr 1, suddenly this boy and DS were inseparable. Other friends no longer played with. Bit sad, but fair enough, friendships evolve, I really don't interfere in my kids friendships as well aware playground conflicts resolve themselves and kids are fickle! I try and guide, listen and support, obviously encourage kindness and good behaviour. DS and new friend had couple of incidents of being a bit cheeky and naughty at beginning of this friendship and were disciplined by the school (minor stuff, put on thinking chair). Got friendly with his mum and discussed these issues. Boys will be boys type behaviour. Initially as DS is very tall for his age, and other boy is very tiny, they look a very funny pair walking round holding hands! I think concerns were that my DS may have been the influencer in cheeky behavior etc. (Certainly by his mum). DS prior to this was a pretty good compliant kid so not the case as confirmed by the school.
Following chats I had with DS regarding behaviour it turned out this boy 'wouldn't allow DS to play with anyone else'. I said what about other best friends? 'No new friend will tell me off, I can play with them if he's not there though'. I tried telling him this isn't OK, he can play with who he wants. DS didn't want to upset friend. Then an incident occurred where DS apparently hit friend and was disciplined by school I was mortified and text mum to apologise. Asked DS to explain himself, he said boy was being mean and wouldn't let him play with a toy and kept throwing it away. I disciplined DS with a telling off, how unacceptable to hit, no tablet that evening. Friends mum didn't respond to text. Next day said was so upset couldn't reply to tx, i told DS to apologise to friend in front of mum, friend said my mum says you're a bully. DS looked rather hurt and shocked and apologised profusely. Mum and I spoke after drop off, she was in tears, worried for her 'tiny precious boy', I absolutely assured her it was not in DS nature, certainly no bullying issues. I was a bit hurt and annoyed by that. I assured her DS very sensitive, gentle, chilled and tolerant. My DD has mild ASD, so he's used to meltdowns, and a real kind and accepting soul, he can be a typical excitable boisterous boy, but not a mean bone in his body. His huge height, being the biggest in the class, to an outsider, I worried, gave that perception, but he's the ultimate gentle giant. Luckily the school were 100% aware and in agreement on this.
The friendship continued, and as inseperable as ever. DS kept complaining of a sore willy. I was on verge of going to the GP when he told DH and I that Friend often hit him in his willy. I said what do you do/say? DS said nothing, he's just playing being silly. I said does he hit/hurt you anywhere else? Turns out he was often very rough. DS accepted this as playing and didn't want to upset boy or get him in trouble! We raised it with teacher who brought mum in. Assured would not happen again. Mum a bit dismissive, oh I think all the boys do it to each other. I explained DS actually sometimes crying in pain when weeing it was so sore. Explained to DS, DON'T allow this to happen. Say No, you are hurting me. Tell a teacher immediately. Had to keep reiterating this. As if DS more worried about upsetting friend than being hurt.
Obviously from this alarm bells were ringing, and had many discussions with DS trying to encourage play with other friends, but DS continuing to play with this boy and saying he still 'wasn't allowed to play with anyone else'. Kept trying to say this is not OK, he's not in control of you. Make your own decisions. Discussed with school who kept them in separate groups in school environment sitting apart etc, but any playtime or free activity, and after school still together. After the willy hitting incident I kept mum at arms length a bit, though still friendly, but didn't raise other concerns that basically her son was being very controlling and overpowering, as it emerged the friend is being assessed for possibly ASD/ADHD. It would explain the boundary issues. Perhaps also DS ridiculous tolerance to being treated so badly, as he's used to accepting our poor DDs sometimes highly irrational emotional and angry outbursts when having her ASD meltdowns. DS did say the physical roughness had stopped with friend, I tried not to over stress and DH and I agreed that DS was eventually going to detach a bit, and this would evolve hopefully. They had a few playdates. And on observation at home DS did hold his own, which made me feel better, though some play was still a bit too rough. However through the holidays friend started wassapping and video calling on his mum and my phone, initially fairly sweet, it became constant. The voice messages were slightly disturbing. 'DS name I love you! I love you so much' Blowing kisses, continually repeating his name, telling him how much he loves him, telling him to reply and answer. Getting quite annoyed when no response. Its been continuous. Annoyingly so when I'm on the phone or out! DS participates and initially enjoyed novelty of being allowed my phone but also getting annoyed. 'Friend can I go now please?' 'But I don't want to send any more messages' Friends continual pledge of love also slightly disturbing me. I asked DS does he kiss you then? Apparently alot. DS has asked if he will be able to marry Friend. Friend has used words sexy and crush apparently. They are 6 ffs! I really don't know what his mums take is on all this. The boy is her only child, I get the feeling a poss struggle to have, maybe ivf, as soooo super precious on a pedastal to her. Very over protective can do no wrong. I totally get the precious element, our 2 are to us, I had several miscarriages, which is why I sense a similar case from her. But having 2, and an older DD I've dropped the precious perfection element myself a bit! The blinkers are off and I accept kids can be naughty, not perfect, need discipline and guidance, for their own good.
Anyway huge elaboration. But for me today the shit has really hit the fan, as perplexed as I've been, and for all the conversations I've had with DS about standing up for himself, and acceptable behaviour from friends, I've reluctantly sat back. Today a friend collected DS while I spoke to DDs teacher. DS teacher said apparently the boy sat on DS today and has been given a detention tomorrow. DS told me they were playing at lunch, argued over a game, and boy tried to punch DS twice which he dodged. Boy then smashed DS head down onto a fence. DS has big lump and bruise on forehead. DS then chased boy but boy got DS on ropes and sat on his face. I'm absolutely furious. This boy is so rough, has no boundaries. DS admitted he is scared of him. DS is literally twice his bloody size. He's a controlling little bully. We're going to ask for a meeting with his teacher and head of year tomorrow. It was discussed with his yr 1 teacher last year but I'm now actually quite disturbed. I'm worried it's going to affect DS long term, his self esteem, I'm worried he's going to just accept being a doormat. That it's OK to be hurt, effectively abused, and not speak up. I'm worried he's questioning his sexuality. He's asked lots of questions that are disturbing for a 6yr old.
I'm so sorry this is so long. I've tried to ride this out and not overreact.
I need a discussion with the mum but I don't know where to start? I'm worried she'll be immediately defensive and dismissive. I want to find a solution. They have nearly 5 more years of primary school together...?
I've been awake since 2am going over this all. Putting it out there for some perspective?