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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in finding this suspicious?

52 replies

Mumsnatterer · 25/09/2019 20:44

Hi everyone, I'm hoping to consult the masses so I can make my next move.
A few months back I was invited via a group chat to someone's hen party - they wanted us to pay a few hundred pounds so that the bride could have her hen party at a big hen house somewhere miles and miles away for the weekend.

The problem is that I haven't been invited to this person's wedding and we kind of lost contact in the last few years. To put it into perspective, we probably speak twice a year and, despite fairly close proximity in where we live, she doesn't make the effort so when I stopped making the effort (my mum's been diagnosed with a rare cancer this year so I've been more than a little preoccupied) all contact ceased.

The way I saw it was it was one of three things:
An accidental invite on the head bridesmaid's account, assuming we were still close enough to invite me.
A real invite despite no contact and my wedding invitation would also turn up closer to the wedding.
An invite because they need to make up the numbers financially for the hen house. (Especially as this friend always makes me pay for everything and has a history of squirming their way out of paying our friends back).

The facts remains that I have still had zero contact with the bride and not a wedding invitation so where does your head go on this invite?

Today the head bridesmaid messaged me outside of the group chat where we all had an invite, asking if I am attending. My question to you guys is, what do I say?

Should I be honest and say 'oops I thought this was an accidental invite as I haven't been invited to the wedding or spoken to the bride this year' or do I just say 'sorry but I can't make it' and be done with it?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 25/09/2019 21:11

No is a complete sentence in this instance. I honestly don't think it's worth stirring up trouble which your proposed response is likely to.

Marmalady75 · 25/09/2019 21:12

I’d either say I’m busy or that I had a family member who is very ill and might need my support at short notice, so I’m not committing to anything at the moment.
I wouldn’t mention not being invited to the wedding.

GabsAlot · 25/09/2019 21:15

Whens the wedding? It is probably just tao make up numbers just say cant afford it and have anice time

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2019 21:16

The hen lit will have been gone through with the bride op.so it's a numbers game.

Just say you can't as you have unmoveable plans but hope they have a good time.

WatcherintheRye · 25/09/2019 21:17

"So sorry for late reply. Thanks so much for inviting me. Sadly I won't be able to make it, but hope you all have a fantastic time!"

Feliciaxxx · 25/09/2019 21:22

WatcherintheRye That sounds like the perfect reply - says it like it is without too much detail.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 25/09/2019 21:26

I would just say congratulations, however I am unable to attend your celebrations. That also get you off the hook if a wedding invite is on its way.

aintnutinchanged · 25/09/2019 21:28

I thought if you were invited to hen do you automatically were invited to wedding (even just in the evening)

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 25/09/2019 21:28

I wouldn't mention not having spoken to the bride. That's fishing for a response/reaction.

The bridesmaid is unlikely to send out the guestlist without discussing it with the bride. The invite mentions where the bride wants to have her hen, so it's safe to say they have discussed it at length amongst themselves.

If you don't want to go (it sounds like you don't particularly like the bride) then just reply "I won't be able to make it. Hope you all have a lovely weekend."

That's all that needs to be said. You won't be the only one who declines.

Ellmau · 25/09/2019 21:28

I'd be awfully tempted to say, "Sorry, I can't make that weekend. Looking forward to seeing you all at the wedding though!" Then if you don't get a wedding invite at least they might feel guilty about it.

Ellmau · 25/09/2019 21:29

(Because it's not really on to invite someone to your hen party at considerable expense, and not to the wedding, IMO.)

Bobbybobbins · 25/09/2019 21:33

I recently got invited to a hen do without an invite to the wedding. As it was a night out with friends I went but it was weird when people said 'see you at the wedding'. If I'd've had to pay I wouldn't have gone.

WarshipWarrior · 25/09/2019 21:35

Just say no thanks cant attend im busy sorry have a great time. Then exit the group chat.

Rachelover60 · 25/09/2019 21:35

Mumsnatterer
Should I be honest and say 'oops I thought this was an accidental invite as I haven't been invited to the wedding or spoken to the bride this year'?
.........
Yes, do that.

Hecateh · 25/09/2019 21:37

If you want to go and cost isn't an issue then go. If not don't.

Either way, don't expect an invite to the wedding. You may or more likely won't get one.

One isn't dependent on the other but I would also suspect, they need more numbers for the place she wants

Windydaysuponus · 25/09/2019 21:38

Unless your initials are ATM politely decline...
They are Cfers.

DonKeyshot · 25/09/2019 21:40

I'd go with 'Unfortunately I can't make that weekend. Hope you all have a wonderful time'.

helpmum2003 · 25/09/2019 21:40

'Unfortunately due to family illness I'm unable to attend. Hope you have a great weekend.'

I would be tempted by the more blunt response but probably better to go for a more tactful response. Also gives option of declining wedding if invite arrives.

Jayaywhynot · 25/09/2019 21:42

Yep, just say sorry but you have plans for that date and hope they have a great time. My rule for weddings is I dont attend hen dos if not invited to wedding and I dont attend the evening do if not invited to the ceremony

Wheresthebeach · 25/09/2019 21:43

I'd just go with 'sorry can't make it, have a lovely time'. Anything else will just get other conversations going which you don't want. Keep it simple and too the point.

EggysMom · 25/09/2019 21:43

The cynic in me says that you've only been invited because they know you are good for the financial contribution, where others might be a bit flakey - at least they know that you'll pay up.

I'd go with the "Sorry, can't make the hen do but looking forward to seeing you at the wedding" and leaving them open-mouthed.

Chocolatedaim · 25/09/2019 21:45

I would probably say something like... “sorry haven’t replied earlier, I have a lot going on at the minute, my mom is very unwell. Because of this I won’t be able to make the hen after all, but have a great time, and I hope the wedding day is magical”

By adding the last bit, it will make bridesmaid aware you aren’t invited to the wedding, without you explicitly saying so.

Ihatesundays · 25/09/2019 22:19

Numbers definitely. People really are CF.
When I was young I went to lots of hen do’s where I wasn’t invited to the wedding. They were just a night out in town though, with a cheap meal first.
I wouldn’t go to anything that cost me serious money if not going to the wedding. I would think invites would already be out by now?

NChangeForNoReason · 25/09/2019 22:24

Too much - keep it short and sweet, no need to stir the pot as it will only leave ur friendship broken. a "sorry I'm busy" keeps ur options open and means that u may be able to pick up the relationship at a later date.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 25/09/2019 22:24

Your message is a bit muddled - stick to one thing/reason/excuse. If you don't want to carry on being friends with the bride say won't be coming but have fun, if you do want to rekindle say sorry can't make that weekend have fun. Keep it simple.