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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To attend a wake but not the funeral?

49 replies

Klouise777 · 25/09/2019 20:15

Got a funeral coming up for a distance relative who I met a few times. This person was close to my parents who are going. I've got a toddler and all those who normally provide childcare will be at the funeral. I can't take the toddler to the service as he's full on, normal toddler won't stay still, loud and absolutely won't understand the need to be quiet. Hes far too young. Also no chance of getting him to sleep there. He never naps when out. So aibu to just attend the wake? I would obviously like to pass my support to my family and being as the wake is in a more suitable environment for a young child, I can occupy him with a few things but is this really rude? I'm so torn ill like to attend and offer support but I literally have no other childcare options. Dh will be at work and unable to take time off for it. It's not someone he's actually ever met and has an important meeting that day which he can't escape. Thanks

OP posts:
LeahSMS · 25/09/2019 20:16

I can’t see a problem with just going to the wake.

JuniperBeer · 25/09/2019 20:17

Go. Absolutely fine. Unless only a few people turn up I doubt you’ll even be noticed as not having gone.

Just be honest and say you couldn’t take the children in, but still wanted to come etc if anyone asks.

zigzagbetty · 26/09/2019 03:13

I did this exact scenario recently with my toddler, absolutely fine.

1forAll74 · 26/09/2019 04:23

Yes, just go to the wake. small children at funerals is not a good idea,

It's not a good idea for me either, I don't want to go to any more funerals.

LadyGodivasCat · 26/09/2019 04:52

Sorry, I think it’s rude. I’ve seen a few funerals where various people just show up for the wake. They’re willing to make the effort for free food and booze but not to attend the important part. It’s one of the reasons I’ve recorded in my will that I don’t want a funeral when I go.

boptist · 26/09/2019 05:16

I wouldn’t. I would send a card rather than just turn up for the free sandwiches.

BetsyBigNose · 26/09/2019 05:33

It's completely fine to just go to the Wake - in fact I think it's respectful of you to ensure that the service is not going to be interrupted by a rampaging toddler!

I disagree with those PPs who have said it would be rude or to just send a card; making the effort to attend the wake, along with the explanation as to why you didn't attend the service is perfectly reasonable. If it makes you feel better, you could drive to the Church or Crematorium where the service is being held and you could walk around outside with your toddler so that people know you are there, if it would make you feel more at ease about only attending the wake.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible, my condolences to you. Flowers

MyOtherProfile · 26/09/2019 05:37

I've been at funerals where people have just come to the wake due to other commitments. I think it's fine and nice to still show your respects.

Original poster
Klouise777 · 26/09/2019 05:38

Who says I'm just going for free sandwiches? What a rude assumption to make!? Those with some toddlers will kindly understand I won't have time to sit down and eat a sandwich also implies I'm just going for free sandwiches because I have a choice. For those that understood and said it would be perfectly acceptable thank you. I'm going to attend the wake and spend some time with those I lovem thank you x x

OP posts:
Original poster
Klouise777 · 26/09/2019 05:40

Further to add I love the idea I've being there around where the service is. I think I might take lo for a walk in the pushchair and hope that he might fancy a nap. You never know. If he does then I could possibly pop in the back of the church or at least the grounds. Thank you all for the kind words. Appreciate it and feel less guilty about the situation xx

OP posts:
OVienna · 26/09/2019 05:44

Crazy responses on this thread, given the context. OP, it's fine. I might send an email to explain and then do as you've described.

PenelopeFlintstone · 26/09/2019 05:46

I live in a village and everyone knows everyone. I work in a town 50 miles away and there’s no way I could take time off for every funeral, but I usually go to the wake once I get back to my village. I just go straight there and I’ve always been warmly greeted. People get it, I think.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 26/09/2019 06:05

I’m Greek & we do church, cemetery & then wake. Very often people just do the wake. It’s perfectly acceptable & not seen as grabby at all. And with a toddler perfectly acceptable. I’ve also been the one to go with a baby to the church & hover at the back. It’s better to go & show your support than not turn up at all.

fabulous01 · 26/09/2019 06:31

Our family live 2 hours away.
When their was a funeral we went and stayed overnight in a relative house and bloke went to the service, and burial (I did soft play) and I arrived for the gathering after. I think it felt more awkward for me than the immediate family.

Everyone understood and people loved seeing the girls for cuddles.
But it depends on circumstances

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 26/09/2019 06:34

Personally i would find it rude to attend for the free food but not the service. Its right you don't take your toddler to the service as its not the place for them.

I can see others disagree though so its what you feel comfortable with.

SinkGirl · 26/09/2019 06:40

I’d speak to their immediate family - say you’d love to pay your respects and offer your support but you don’t want your toddler to disrupt the service. Could you possibly come to the wake instead? If they react at all negatively then I wouldn’t, but I suspect they’ll welcome the plan.

Howlovely · 26/09/2019 06:44

People seem to be thinking that a wake is literally just about free food?! The food is just to tide people over while they celebrate and remember the life of their loved one. I don't know anybody who would just turn up at a wake just to get some free egg sandwiches, chicken legs and quiche out of it. How bizarre.
OP, it is absolutely fine to stay away from the service, everyone will understand and be touched that despite difficulties with child care you made every effort to attend at least part of the funeral to pay your respects. You are actually being more respectful than taking your toddler to the service.

phoenixrosehere · 26/09/2019 07:09

We do a wake, funeral, burial and then people are served food and such afterwards, unless it’s a cremation.

The wake is so people can pay their respects if they can’t make the funeral or want a chance to talk to the family beforehand. If people wanted “free food” (didn’t realise people actually do that) they’d have to wait until after burial.

It’s no issue OP and I highly doubt it would be rude. If you had gone and your toddler was disruptive, posters would be saying you were rude for bringing them.

formerbabe · 26/09/2019 07:16

They’re willing to make the effort for free food and booze but not to attend the important part

But the op would be doing it because she has a young child and doesn't want to disturb the ceremony...not because she's after a few free sandwiches Confused

I think it's fine...always good to show your face for part of it.

Trooperslaneagain · 26/09/2019 07:16

Definitely go to the wake and they will understand why you can’t make the funeral.

TBH they’ll be so sad and busy on the day your absence won’t be noticed.

So sorry - just lost someone very special to me and it’s reminding me of how physical and mentally exhausting grief is. Much love.

Damntheman · 26/09/2019 09:20

Just going to the wake is fine :) You can do that!

But small children at a funeral is also fine. Some people actually enjoy a bit of life at a funeral, it can ease the darkness. My kids were 3 months and 3 years old at my dad's funeral and it went just fine. I gave my toddler a sticker book and he was busy the whole time.

notacooldad · 26/09/2019 09:31

We do a wake, funeral, burial and then people are served food and such afterwards, unless it’s a cremation
I don't understand what you mean. Do you not have a wake after a crematorium or have I missed understood? Every creamation I've been to has had a wake afterwards. The one I went to about a month ago had about 20 young lads turn up to the wake. The young weren't interested in a few ' free butties' but had all worked at the same place as the young man who had died. The firm allowed time off for a couple of employees but the others were allowed to finish once their task was completed and finish early.
Not one person that am I am aware was offended, especially mum and dad who welcomed the young blokes with open arms.

Op, you are being sensible.

TheTrollFairy · 26/09/2019 09:34

I would just attend the wake.
My SIL did this with a member of the family. No one battered an eyelid because we all know that funerals aren’t great for that sort of age of kids

gamerchick · 26/09/2019 09:35

Just going to the wake is fine OP. In fact we are ditching the funeral altogether and just having a sort of wake to say goodbye with me and husband. Much prefer it that way.

You know your child.

GaudyNight · 26/09/2019 09:35

Of course it's fine, OP. There are some very weird responses on here, probably in part due to the fact that mainstream English culture has a deeply odd attitude to funerals. The OP is really unlikely to go to the trouble of dragging her lively toddler to a wake in order to bolt down a free sandwich or two.

The 'wake' is rightly when you stay up with the body the night before the funeral, but it's now loosely used to mean 'gathering with food and drink after the funeral'.