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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To attend a wake but not the funeral?

49 replies

Klouise777 · 25/09/2019 20:15

Got a funeral coming up for a distance relative who I met a few times. This person was close to my parents who are going. I've got a toddler and all those who normally provide childcare will be at the funeral. I can't take the toddler to the service as he's full on, normal toddler won't stay still, loud and absolutely won't understand the need to be quiet. Hes far too young. Also no chance of getting him to sleep there. He never naps when out. So aibu to just attend the wake? I would obviously like to pass my support to my family and being as the wake is in a more suitable environment for a young child, I can occupy him with a few things but is this really rude? I'm so torn ill like to attend and offer support but I literally have no other childcare options. Dh will be at work and unable to take time off for it. It's not someone he's actually ever met and has an important meeting that day which he can't escape. Thanks

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 26/09/2019 09:39

It is fine.
I am sure theyd rather you came to the wake than not go. Doubt they think you are in it for a free sarnie (oh the cynics).

Go - most people surely understand the juggle of childcare etc.

Gramgram · 26/09/2019 09:40

It is absolutely fine to go to the wake and not the funeral. I made it very clear to people that they didn't need to go to the funeral service when my DF died. Just as well as there was freezing fog the morning of the service, and as many of his friends were elderly, there were still a large number of people there. I was however more than pleased to see those that didn't make the service, understandably, at the wake.

phoenixrosehere · 26/09/2019 09:40

@notacooldad

With cremation, people ( at least where I grew up in the States) , either have a wake before the body is cremated depending on the state or f the body so they can say goodbye, do it after cremation if the body wasn’t in a good state or nothing at all. My grandmother was cremated and didn’t want a service so we didn’t do one for her. She was just cremated and sits in a lovely urn on my mother’s mantle next to a lovely picture of her.

ErrolTheDragon · 26/09/2019 09:47

Of course it's fine. The people talking about going just for free sarnies are saying more about what they think a wake is about than the reality (celebrating a persons life, supporting the bereaved).

DD was 6 when FIL died, so I didn't go to his funeral, we attended the wake - her in a pretty frock he'd have liked.

ultrablue · 26/09/2019 09:53

I did this with my uncles funeral, it's absolutely fine.

My aunt never attended funerals out of respect for her parents religion whilst they were still alive, where women did not attend funerals, she used to just attend the wake afterwards.

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 26/09/2019 10:29

People are crazy.

Of course it’s fine. It’s considerate of you not to take your toddler to the service. No sane person would think you were only at the wake for the sandwiches. What an incredibly weird way to see the world.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2019 10:40

I understand the whole toddler thing and if this relative was closer, I'd say there would be no problem attending the wake.

But a distant relative you've only met a few times?

No, I think that would be considered rude and also perhaps a 'social opportunity' for you to catch up with family.

Others may well disagree but that's how I think it could be viewed.

notacooldad · 26/09/2019 10:47

phoenix
Thanks for explaining. The last few cremations I have been to ( uk)it's has been the church service and in some cases a drive to the crem if it is not on site ( and met up with mourners who didn't go to the church)
The closed coffin has been left out as the family and mourners leave and is burned later. Then everyone goes to the wake which is often at a cricket, golf or working men's club or bar with a function room where other mourners turn up.

Some funerals have started around lunch time and the wake is still going on at 20.00hrs +. People can't always get time off work and not everyone is close to the deceased or a family member but wants to pay respects to the family so I don't see a problem with turning up when you are able.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/09/2019 10:49

I think it's respectful of you to ensure that the service is not going to be interrupted by a rampaging toddler!

But would you even want a ‘full on’ rampaging toddler at the wake? I know I wouldn’t. Tbh, I wouldn’t want a rampaging toddler anywhere.

AllFourOfThem · 26/09/2019 10:55

I agree with a PP that this seems odd for a distance relative you barely know and have only met a few times so comes across as a social opportunity to meet up with family. I also agree that many wouldn’t want a rampaging toddler at a wake especially one who has probably never met the deceased and whose mother wasn’t close to them either.

If you do want to go, why don’t you check with the vicar as many churches have toys and an area at the back for children to play in? Otherwise you could hire a babysitter.

notacooldad · 26/09/2019 11:47

But would you even want a ‘full on’ rampaging toddler at the wake? I know I wouldn’t. Tbh, I wouldn’t want a rampaging toddler anywhere.

Theres more space for a toddler at a wake, people arent listening intently to a service, usually the atmosphere has lightened slightly as people reconnect with friends and relatives they may not have seen for years and catch up. It seems perfectly normal to bring younger members if the family to the wake. Why not? Some people may not like it, some people wont care one way or another and others will love seeing children there.
As usual you can't please all people!

MulticolourMophead · 26/09/2019 11:54

I would not think you were being rude.

When mum passed last year, a good friend had childcare issues, due to a cock up not caused by her. She managed to get to the wake, and we had a lovely time remembering mum.

I was glad she'd been able to make even part of it, it had nothing to do with not being bothered.

yearinyearout · 26/09/2019 12:39

It's not rude at all. Firstly if it's a busy funeral the family are unlikely to notice who is there at the service and who isn't. Secondly when you arrive at the wake you can let them know that you were unable to get childcare and didn't want to disrupt the service but wanted to show your support.
I'm surprised by people on this thread saying it's cheeky, that might apply if people show up just for the buffet/free booze who could have easily attended the service but that isn't the case here.

GaudyNight · 26/09/2019 13:12

Anyone on this thread who has lost a close family member have you genuinely ever stood around at the wake/post-funeral gathering counting up the number of times that Cousin Angela has actually met the deceased, and concluded that she only trekked over, complete with toddler, to pig out on the free sandwiches? What do you do in that case dash over and body tackle her before she can hit the buffet?

KUGA · 26/09/2019 13:27

Just go to the wake !.
I doubt the v close family will even notice tbh.

NoTheresa · 26/09/2019 13:34

No, I think you should attend the funeral, as a priority. Sorry but this occasion is not about you and it would be bad form to go to the “easier” part and not pay your respects by going to the service.

NoTheresa · 26/09/2019 13:37

I am amazed at people suggesting you just go to the after-event, no one will notice etc.

That is not the point. 🙄

MyOtherProfile · 26/09/2019 13:39

Of course it wouldn't. Fortunately most people at a funeral are more gracious than that. Often people come after work to a wake. It's not like it was OPs mum or anything.

Gingerkittykat · 26/09/2019 13:40

I'm sure the family will be delighted by your presence.

My DD couldn't attend the service of a friend we had met at toddler group because she had an exam but her kids were delighted to see her for an hour at the end of the wake.

Somerville · 26/09/2019 13:45

Yours is a good plan, OP.

It might be that if you are outside the church with your child - even if they are awake and being lively - that the immediate family make it clear they want you to come in with them. Children and babies can be helpful at funerals (depending on the family and situation) - a reminder of life going on. (I say that as a widow who encouraged people to bring kids and babes in arms if they wanted to and not to worry if they made a noise.)

Attending wake if you can’t make the service, for the purpose of paying respects, is entirely legitimate anyway.

LilacClovers · 26/09/2019 13:49

Could you perhaps go to the crematorium/church to be there for when the hearse arrives, then not actually go in for the service but meet everyone at the wake?

LilacClovers · 26/09/2019 13:51

Sorry I missed your last post! I think that's a great idea

AJPTaylor · 26/09/2019 14:12

In fact I would say that toddlers and babies lift the mood at a wake.

Pinacola · 26/09/2019 14:30

We had this at a family funeral several hours away. Within a few minutes of being in the crematorium, it was obvious toddler would not manage the service, so I took him for a walk until the ceremony was over. DH stayed in and met us afterwards, when we all attended the wake. Family members were actually very pleased to see DS and we didn't feel rude for not disrupting the ceremony, but attending to pay our respects.

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