AIBU or is my 14 month old violent.

[PlainJane28]

Maybe I am being unreasonable but today I am at my wits end, to the point I’m in floods of tears.

My 14 month old son is bright, seems to have hit all of his milestones. Walking, talking an odd few words and very much inquisitive about the world around him.

However the past month he has been vile at times. He bites me daily but not just nibbles bites my skin and pierces it until it bleeds and bruises. Obviously it bloody hurts so I react by abruptly moving him and sternly saying NO! Sometimes even a tap on the hand.

Each time he does this though he laughs. He thinks it’s hilarious. I never break character, try not to over react too much or make him think we are playing or make light of the situation.

At first I put it down to perhaps teething but he seems to only really bite me. He sometimes bites his dad and has bitten my mum too but he doesn’t bite many other people and quite frankly it’s embarrassing. It’s got to the point I’m worried about taking him places with other children.

Not only the biting but he slaps, kicks and grabs hair too. He slaps really hard and it’s as if he knows where to slap you. Not the arms or legs but right around the face! Same with the kicking we may just be laying down next to him and he will boot me or his dad so hard in the face he’s caused bruising and nose bleeds before!

I always tie my hair up but he still grabs a handful of hair and yanks so hard and doesn’t let go however much you plead, shout, or beg.

Today I was laying down with him for a cuddle after his milk and getting him ready for a nap. He is quite tall for his age already wearing 18-24 month clothing. And he literally jumped on my chest and was kicking my face with full force whilst grabbing on to my hair. He’s a strong little bugger and I honestly couldn’t get him off me. I did lose my temper and started screaming at him to get off but he still wouldn’t let go. I nearly flung him across the room I was so desperate. I looked down and he has fist fulls of my hair.

The past few weeks every time he does something like this he has alone time in his travel cot in the spare room but he doesn’t cry or seem to care he just entertains himself until we come and get him back out again.

Please tell me this is a phase. I hate feeling on edge around him. I’m an attentive mum, I give him so much attention. We play lots together, he doesn’t even watch a lot of TV but this is just killing me.

My MIL said to bite him back but I don’t really see that as an answer or want to use violence against violence but would appreciate any advice or stories of this just being a blip.

He sleeps all night, has one 3 hour nap a day, eats healthy balance diet, never goes without milk or water or squash. I play and read to him lots, he’s my only child. It’s just us and his dad no pet so he literally has all the attention.

TIA

Look at your reaction..

You cry
You say NO
You tap him on the hand
You plead
You shout
You beg
You scream

Try not doing any of these things. It’s exciting for him.

It is 'a phase' and I cant rememebr the solution. Biting back won't work. Is this of any use?

I do like short, sharp, shock - No! Hurt! in a forceful voice.

www.zerotothree.org/resources/232-toddlers-and-biting-finding-the-right-response

Next time he does it, tell him no, pick him up and strap him into a pram and don't let him sit and play with toys.
That is pretty severe for any age tbh. He is 14 months he IS NOT too big for you to physically restrain so he isn't hurting anyone.

You need to stop reacting to him, that's what he's looking for.
And for the love of god, don't bite him, that's abuse.

It's a phase and you are overreacting.
Calm down a bit, about everything.

Good luck.

All toddlers are vicious arseholes :D

Try not to react so excitably. Say 'No' in a sharp, firm tone. Put him on the floor away from any toys. (I wouldn't strap him in anywhere as that can be frightening for a toddler) Rinse and repeat. Don't give him attention when he's doing it, just a firm 'no' and sat in the boring place. He'll grow out of it :)

My son started biting at about 14m. Now at 18 months, he seems to have forgotten about it. No real advice, but hopefully he'll grow out of it soon. I put it down to frustration at not being able to express himself.

Yes, he’s interacting with you. Give him loads of attention when he’s not hurting, ignore him (time out in boring place of safety) when he isn’t.

My son used to bite me around the same age as yours. Admittedly it doesn't sound as bad as the situation you're describing but he only bit me, never my husband or any other children. (Which I was also very worried about). Like other posters are saying, the less you react the better. Say no and walk away from him, ignore him for a few minutes. Any attention is good to a toddler, even shouting!

DS was horrendous for smacking at around 14 months, we just ignored it and he hasn’t done it since about 16/17 months. We just used to remove his hand and make a point of doing something else to look really disinterested in what he’s done. I wouldn’t tap his hand as it’s just copying back what he does. Just move him away and carry on with what you were doing. Is there anything that could of started it? DS smacking coincided with starting nursery.

Agree with the advice you’re being given here. Also, does he need some activities where he’s more physically and mentally challenged during the day? Longer walks, climbing frames to get interested in etc. And/or more sensory stuff - music sounds etc. Sounds like he has an absolute tonne of energy but I wonder if he’s bored and therefore your emotional reactions would be highly interesting to him.

You don't want to react to violence with violence, but you will tap him on the hand?

My daughter used to do this to her dad at a similar age. He used to squeal which she thought was hilarious and it turned into a game. The laughing shows he thinks it is funny. You need to make it boring, don't react, don't say a word just remove him, put him down and turn your back and busy yourself with something else

Could another child have done this to him ?

PS - sorry just remembered how upset you said you were. Honestly I would be too, but do think you’re getting good advice here. It can feel so intense when you’re on your own with a little one esp when they are doing things that are developmentally normal but seem so hurtful or alien! Can you get some support in real life from friends too just to let off steam - will help you to be able to act in the way you need to with him. Good luck! X

Toddlers are anarchists. You have to make undesirable things boring or offer alternatives/distractions.
You could offer other things to bite - my DD was and is a very oral person. Grinds her teeth. She’s 4.5 and bit me in the summer.
I seem to recall they like rough play at this age so lots of opportunities to go completely mental, let loose, stuff to wear him out. Does his dad get attacked or just you?
As others have said kids love any attention good or bad. Any reaction is good so practise the most bored reaction ever. I used to find that quite amusing. I also used to put myself in time out - much more effective 😂

He loves you but he thinks you are a part of him, your pain is his pain so to speak so if he can't feel it then neither can you. He loves the reaction you give him and thinks it's play.

My advice is don't restrain him or bite him. Put him in the cot as you are doing but with no toys and make no reaction at all except a short no. He'll soon learn it's boring to hit or bite. Also do not lie down with him that's asking for trouble can you hold him in your arms? Always have your head above his and he can't reach you.

My 18 month old loves to hit and loves the word no. He hit my five year old with a recorder and he's lucky his brother understands that the baby doesn't know what he's doing. As punishment I gave all my attention to my hurt boy and baby got nothing from me except a NO!

I feel for you it's hard esp when you are tired but just keep going you're doing great x

All these things are normal. They have to learn how to be in the world. Reacting with screaming, hitting, biting is only reinforcing that that is how one deals with frustration. You just say no firmly and remove them or yourself from the situation. If mine hit or scratch or bite me, I say no, and put them down. As long as they are somewhere safe, you can walk out of the room and give yourself a break. They all do this though and he isn't 'violent'. It's learning how to be human and you have to teach him what he needs to do by reinforcing the good behaviours and disincentivising the negative ones.

You tapping his hand is teaching him that hurting someone is okay. If I were you, in this situation, I would explain every single time why biting is wrong and why he’s being punished and put him somewhere safe without toys for a specific time period.

Ahh it is really just a phase.
My little one is 2 now and has come a long way from hitting/yanking hair/biting.
The last time she did it was around 16months IIRC. She was actually quite bad around 14 months and i would have used the word "aggressive"as well because as a first time parent there's only so much we know about behavioral patterns to expect from a baby, a toddler etc.
I did start using the naughty corner from quite early on and eventually she got the gist of it. And btw my LG was also quite big at 14 months,in 18-24m clothes as well,and was strong too. So I understand how the slaps/hit/biting could hurt.
Commiserations but this too shall pass

Thanks for all the replies

Im just feeling delicate today as you can see so probably am over reacting. I think it looks worse because I’m very pale and too have a bleeding disorder so bruise and mark easily. Luckily it’s winter soon so can cover up!

I didn’t really think that perhaps he may be slightly more advanced and may need some more stimulating things going on to knacker him out a bit more and keep him preoccupied on things other than kicking, biting etc.

Will definitely be taking on your tips so thank you. And in regards to the hand tapping, it’s literally a graze of the hand I think a mouses fart would have more force but I agree will stop that and try giving him zero reactions where possible.

Thanks mumsnet.

Agree with others. No reactions. Just a simple NO and put him in a time out spot and explain why in one or two short sentences. Also give him A LOT of positive attention when he is behaving and doing good things. Do you attend any groups with him?

Ignore and distract. It's a phase. He will soon get bored if you ignore it.

My friends son was like this he was overwhelmed he used to do it when he got back back from nursery, when he was sad, when he was happy......... giving him words to explain these emotions helped.

My son used to bite me around this age - usually when I was on the phone (this was necessary calls to the bank etc, not chatting with my friend for an hour, before anyone leaps on that). It was clear he wanted attention. I had to practise not reacting to the bite, other than to immediately sit him on the stairs, whilst I finished my phonecall (we made the hallway baby proof, and that was where he'd be banished to for a short while, to disincentivise any unacceptable behaviour). Then I'd go and get him and we'd do something nice together. He stopped eventually.

Don't worry that you have a "violent child" - violence is learned through living with violence or through the child learning that violence gets him or her their own way. At his age, he doesn't know he's hurting you, and he doesn't know it's unacceptable. If you continue to show him gentleness and kindness, he will eventually learn to be gentle too. Maybe do some playing with soft toys together, where you take care of them, stroking and patting, and tucking them into bed, then do the same to him, so he understands how good that feels.

Gosh that sounds quite extreme. Tapping his hand won’t work because he won’t get the connection. A tap doesn’t hurt - not that you want to hurt your child.

I agree with immediate. “NO. No biting” then ignoring him only for a short time if he starts crying or however long it takes to compose yourself. Otherwise just get on with doing something and leave him to amuse himself.

Unless you are next to a cot or playpen it’s going to take far too long to put your ds in there for him to make the association, so I think walking off is best if you are able.

Maybe try not to get too close to his face for a while.