AIBU or is my 14 month old violent.

[PlainJane28]

Maybe I am being unreasonable but today I am at my wits end, to the point I’m in floods of tears.

My 14 month old son is bright, seems to have hit all of his milestones. Walking, talking an odd few words and very much inquisitive about the world around him.

However the past month he has been vile at times. He bites me daily but not just nibbles bites my skin and pierces it until it bleeds and bruises. Obviously it bloody hurts so I react by abruptly moving him and sternly saying NO! Sometimes even a tap on the hand.

Each time he does this though he laughs. He thinks it’s hilarious. I never break character, try not to over react too much or make him think we are playing or make light of the situation.

At first I put it down to perhaps teething but he seems to only really bite me. He sometimes bites his dad and has bitten my mum too but he doesn’t bite many other people and quite frankly it’s embarrassing. It’s got to the point I’m worried about taking him places with other children.

Not only the biting but he slaps, kicks and grabs hair too. He slaps really hard and it’s as if he knows where to slap you. Not the arms or legs but right around the face! Same with the kicking we may just be laying down next to him and he will boot me or his dad so hard in the face he’s caused bruising and nose bleeds before!

I always tie my hair up but he still grabs a handful of hair and yanks so hard and doesn’t let go however much you plead, shout, or beg.

Today I was laying down with him for a cuddle after his milk and getting him ready for a nap. He is quite tall for his age already wearing 18-24 month clothing. And he literally jumped on my chest and was kicking my face with full force whilst grabbing on to my hair. He’s a strong little bugger and I honestly couldn’t get him off me. I did lose my temper and started screaming at him to get off but he still wouldn’t let go. I nearly flung him across the room I was so desperate. I looked down and he has fist fulls of my hair.

The past few weeks every time he does something like this he has alone time in his travel cot in the spare room but he doesn’t cry or seem to care he just entertains himself until we come and get him back out again.

Please tell me this is a phase. I hate feeling on edge around him. I’m an attentive mum, I give him so much attention. We play lots together, he doesn’t even watch a lot of TV but this is just killing me.

My MIL said to bite him back but I don’t really see that as an answer or want to use violence against violence but would appreciate any advice or stories of this just being a blip.

He sleeps all night, has one 3 hour nap a day, eats healthy balance diet, never goes without milk or water or squash. I play and read to him lots, he’s my only child. It’s just us and his dad no pet so he literally has all the attention.

TIA

My 14 mth old does this. We did no and if you do that again mommy will put you down and no cuddles. He does it again put him down and walk away. My mom's idea and it seems to be working

My DD went through a phase like this and it was definitely when she was bored. Get him out running around every day to burn off some energy, distract him, keep him busy. Show him what nice touching is like - hair stroking, patting etc - and repeatedly say "kind hands" or something while you're doing it so you can say it to him if he starts getting violent. Personally when DD hit me I would warn her twice "kind hands please DD" and then on the third time put her on the bottom step in the hallway and walk away from her saying "we don't hurt each other, we can play when you're doing kind hands".

Regardless of how gentle it is, tapping his hand is only teaching him that hitting is okay.

Every time my son would go to hit me I would say ahhh soft and get him to stroke my arm whilst I stroked his. When he went to bite me I said awww are you giving me a kiss thank you! He got over it pretty quickly. Not sure if I got lucky or if what I did worked but it's worth giving it a go!

I agree with pp, you need a consistent approach, no dramatic reaction. A simple stern no, at his level, with eye contact. Not too early for a very short time out where he’s tovstay on a step and you ignore him. My kids crumpled when the stern-eye-contact-no came out followed by a time out. It’s the opposite of attention - it’s no attention for a time. IF he won’t stay on a step use a stair gate on the door. Explain what you’re doing and why - they understand an awful lot at this age. You show that the negative behaviour gets no attention (a time out) rather than attention.

You do have to stamp on it. I’ve seen toddlers like this become four year olds who continue to slap their parents round the face at pick up. I’ve seen a big dad not know how to deal with his tiny 7 year old hitting him in the face. Deal now, while he’s small enough to physically control. And while he’s learning, don’t put yourself on the floor where you are vulnerable. Take back control and maintain it.

"NO! BITING HURTS!", and promptly turn him away from you. Face him to a wall or something, put him faced away in a corner. Walk away. Don't say anything else. He needs to learn hurting you results in zero attention. Don't be afraid to use that sharp verbal "NO!"

My 17 month old used to hit and scratch my face when I was singing/ rocking him to sleep. I had scratches down my face and he tried to pull out my eyelashes and scratch out my eyes. He wasn't being restrained, didn't want to get away from me just looking for a reaction to keep himself awake (or didn't like my singing). I tried saying no that hurts but in the end as hard as it was I ignored him and he's stopped. With the biting I make sure I have a teething ring on hand and give that to him and say 'you don't bite mummy, but you can bite this.'
He's now started on the dog (which obviously I can't ignore) so taken the dog to stay at my parent's.
I hope this helps I know how hard it is, but it will pass

Attention for negative behaviour is still attention. Put him down and ignore him when he bites or hits you. When he bites you and you put him down, do and start playing with something he likes/reading a book aloud. When he comes and joins you, be friendly and involve him. If he hits you, move away again.

He wants attention and he’s getting it if you're shouting and screaming. Ignore, and give lots of love and attention when he’s being lovely. He’ll soon see which version of you he likes

Oh, and clearly don’t hit your children. But I would have though that goes without saying, regardless of how soft you think it is. Teaching violence is a good reaction is definitely counter intuitive.

Oh please don’t send the dog away - teach your child to respect it ffs!

Soery my message was to @missy1668

A tap on the hand is abuse? You are all raising snowflakes. No wonder when I used to go playgroups all the kids were feral and their useless mums couldn’t discipline them.

Abuse is wrong but a tap on the hand?

@Katex888 teaching that you get your point across by using physical force is wrong.

OPs toddler hits her for attention : he’s wrong
OP hits toddler because he hit her : she’s right

So it’s a subjective decision on what justifies physical lashing out? Attention isn’t a good enough reason, but discipline is? So attention isn’t a good enough reason, but if the toddler wants to get a point across that he believes OP is in the wrong for something, then it’s ok for him to hit her?

I would withdraw attention when he does those things and look at any triggers for it.
Please don’t bite him back; I’ve seen way too many adult bite marks on children when adults have done this and it’s simply horrific and none of those people meant to leave a mark

Or it’s only ok for adults to hit children? But not the other way around?

Can’t believe there are people who think anyone should be hitting anyone, regardless of age or size!

Agree with PP. If you react to him, he wins. It doesn't matter whether you smile, laugh, shout, or tap him - all of these are attention and babies/ young toddlers don't understand the difference between good attention and bad.

If it's at this point I wouldn't even bother saying "no" anymore. I would literally just pop him somewhere safe and walk away without making eye contact. He will soon associate hitting/biting/whatever with losing the two most important things he has to lose: Mum and Dad. But you both need to take exactly the same approach without exception, otherwise he'll start testing how hard or how often he has to do it to provoke a reaction.

And I know you said you won't, but please don't bite him. All he'll learn is that you won't protect him from pain and he will start to lose trust in you. And it's abusive.

No that hurts Mummy in firm voice, look cross. Place child in playpen with no toys for a few minutes. Give him no attention during this time at all. You must be consistent. Do not scream, look animated or he will think it is a game. If child bites, slaps another child say no you hurt child and pick up and take home at once, no more fun playtime if he does this.

The phrase 'snowflake' is really handy. It's use is an excellent indicator of a total twat.

Anyway, I feel your pain OP.

I don't think you're overacting, it's hard to deal with this. Don't respond with violence if any kind. You can't tell him not to do something you do too.

Just keep telling him no and withdraw. Put him somewhere safe and walk away. He needs to understand that he will have no friends acting like this so actively demonstrate this.

More physical activity can't hurt. Does he go to Nursery or regular play group?

They bite at nursery, bite their siblings, it can happen so fast like a cobra strike someone said to me at nursery. I have seen it happen that fast too. They do grow out of it, it is awful when they are bitten or they bite another little one.

The first two replies contradict each other, but different things work with different children. Try to notice what kind of response eggs him on.

Personally I'd go with zero reaction if humanly possible and putting him somewhere safe on his own until he's calm. So the second he grabs your hair/kicks/bites, silently pick him up, put him down in a play pen/cot, and leave his sight for a few minutes. Then go and cry/yell into a pillow. When he starts to associate violet behaviour with a withdrawal of attention it won't be exciting anymore.

@PlainJane28 biting is a common phase but the kicking you in the face and pulling your hair is not.

Is your son taking any medication? There is a frequently prescribed asthma medication - Montelukast / singulair granules which causes behavioural problems. A main one in children is aggression (with additional possibilities: sleep problems, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and actuation)
Just to check that he's not taking any medication that could be affecting his mood.

Here is a link to a published article just in case
www.medscape.com/viewarticle/886008

That sounds extremely upsetting OP and very painful.

You certainly want to get the message across that it's not acceptable.

I would say a very firm "No biting" with a cross face and drop him into an empty play pen or travel cot and leave him there until such time as you have calmed down.

Biting is a dreadful thing to do, but I realise some children do it.

Be ruthless in your efficiency.

Firm voice, cross face and put him directly into the playpen.

He needs to learn what is not acceptable.

In my day I have come across children doing that at 3 and 4 whilst in my company and i can honestly tell you that other parents had absolutely no tolerance for it.

Saying your child is going through a "stage of biting" at 3 or 4 is ridiculous.🙄

I know a mum who was dealing with this with her elder boy doing it to his younger sibling. It had been going on a while and she had tried lots of things.

One day she had enough and took a nice bite out of her son and told him that would be what would be happening going forward.

He was stunned. Couldn't believe the pain he was in. Never happened again.

@zzzzzzzz12345 I've consistently showed him how to be gentle with our dog and when he has hit him I've told him a firm no and taken him away from the situation but he is doing it because he is getting that reaction from me. We were sitting on the floor playing with his cars yesterday and he just got up and went to hit him so it's not through lack of positive attention. Also I pick the dog up to take him to work with me so not been sent away just giving him a rest.

It's hard when they bite and it hurts but the best thing you can do is physically disengage, calmly but firmly tell them "we don't do that" and if they persist, then put them down somewhere safe (like a playpen) and take a step away.

Be calm and consistent. Don't yell or raise your voice, don't get emotional, definitely don't bite back or slap his hand and just try not to make a fuss. Eventually they do realise that biting doesn't get an exciting reaction and doing it means an end to playtime, snuggle time or whatever nice thing you are doing and it stops being an appealing thing to do.

My kids went through a bit of this too. You probably already know they have no empathy yet, with genuinely no idea that anyone else feels pain sadness, hunger, tiredness etc.

I basically mimicked lions. You know how a lion will shake off an overexcited lion cub and saunter away looking bored? Rarely, they will pin the cub and just wait until it calms down. No eye contact.

I also tried "soft hands" by taking my kids' hands and running them gently down my face while making a huge deal of how lovely it was. Essentially trying to give them the same over-the-top response while they learned what amount of pressure is good vs bad.

It's not just you even though it feels really demoralising sometimes. Sodding little sociopaths they are

My DS went through this at that age and at just turned two it has slowed, but he will still scratch/bite me or his dad. It was happening at home, nursery to other children, my friends kids. I was a complete helicopter parent when it was at its worst because I couldn’t bear him hurting other children. Like you, nothing seemed to work, he used to just laugh. I started to notice triggers, boredom and tiredness being one, so I would put him up for a nap or go for a walk if I started to see ‘the look’ as I called it, usually before he lashed out he’d start by messing his toys about, or being generally idle. I even had to meet with his nursery about it at one point although thier advice was brilliant. They advised me to ignore the bad behaviour but massively praise every thing else, even small things like him putting a toy away nicely. I think it is usually a phase and I found by avoiding it happening by noticing the triggers before he actually did something the best way forward as he now seems to be coming out of the other side and growing out of it.