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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DS the trip is his birthday present?

68 replies

TrippinOut · 24/09/2019 21:22

There's a trip to Europe with school come Feb.

He wants to go.

His birthday is Dec. I have a lot to save for with Christmas.

I could manage it but WIBU to say the cosy of the trip is to be his main birthday present?

Or is that just mean.

It's 450 quid.

OP posts:

TrainspottingWelsh · 24/09/2019 21:47

Seconding nails. Ask the

SunshineAngel · 24/09/2019 21:49

School trips are so unreasonable sometimes, and the fact that we feel they'd miss out if they didn't go is just even worse :(.

DSS has come home this week from sixth form, with information about the trips that "ALL of his friends are going on" that come to a total of £2,200. I mean, what? Where the actual hell are we supposed to find that?

You're absolutely not being unreasonable to say that this should be a birthday present. He is very very lucky to be able to go at all. Just maybe get him a few bits to unwrap on the day. If you can't afford to just pay as an extra to life (if that makes sense) then what are you meant to do about it?

YANBU at all.

Hoghgyni · 24/09/2019 21:49

Firstly, how old is he? Older teenagers should understand your financial situation. DD has been on several residentials and been told that it's her main birthday present. Other friends make their DC earn half of the cost, even if it's only by doing chores at home.

Secondly, are you claiming everything you are entitled to towards the trip? If your DS is eligible for FSM the school should receive pupil premium and you may be able to get help with some of the costs.

Gillian1980 · 24/09/2019 21:49

Yanbu.

I’d offer him the option.

May also be worth speaking to the school about it they have a fund that can be applied for for low income families to help towards the trip.

SneakySnackySquirrel · 24/09/2019 21:49

If it's purely a fun trip then nope, not being mean to ask him if he'd like it as a birthday present. Agree with getting him something small to open on the day as well though.

As for people saying it's mean and he'll feel bad amongst his friends, pah. There will be far more kids NOT going on the trip than going. He needs to learn that he can't have everything.

ChicCroissant · 24/09/2019 21:50

If the trip would be out of financial reach without it being the birthday present, then yes, I'd ask him if he wants to go on that condition.

If he takes that option, mention it to friends and family as my DD got euros for her birthday to spend on her school trip abroad which were very handy!

Leeds2 · 24/09/2019 21:50

I would ask him to choose whether he wants the trip as his present (which would be a VERY generous present!), or something else. Leave it up to him.

tootiredtothink · 24/09/2019 21:57

Not mean at all. Let him know beforehand and Get him a couple of little things to open on the day.

ultrablue · 24/09/2019 22:00

You are not being mean, it's teaching them life in the real world..

Children are a lot more astute than we give sometimes give them credit for.. when my DS was in year 5 all his friends were getting DS 3D's for Christmas. He came up to me one morning and said "I know you can't afford to buy me one Mom, don't worry, I can manage with the one I have already"

I hadn't told him I could not afford to buy him one, he just knew that it was beyond my budget..

A few months later a couple of his friends Moms commented to me separately.. " your children are so lovely, they don't demand things like mine do".

Yes because I have taught them that you can't have everything you desire in life..

Scratchyfluffface · 24/09/2019 22:00

If it's a choice between it being a birthday present or not going, it absolutely isn't mean - not every family is the same so it doesn't matter if other children aren't getting it for their birthday

MoanyAnna · 24/09/2019 22:00

If he wants to go on the trip then of course it is not unreasonable. Presumably you will give him presents to unwrap on Christmas Day . I also was a single parent of 4 and at least two years we had a " family present" One year it was a new TV and another it was to have Sky installed. You have to be realistic and not guilt yourself.

BoardingSchoolMater · 24/09/2019 22:00

Bloody Hell. There isn't a chance in any kind of universe that any of mine would be going on a £450 school trip, either as a birthday present or as an 'extra'. Multiply that by two or three children, as they'll all want the same at some point? Not blooming likely.

Mine are always wanting to go on these kinds of trips. I have never said yes, because I can't afford to. That's just the way it goes.

If I could readily afford it, I'd be saying it should be their main b'day and/or Christmas present. One of mine had £100 (£50 from me and £50 from XH) towards Reading Festival tickets, and it was very clear that this was her birthday present (she got a couple of little bits as well, but only very small and cheap things). She had to work and earn the rest of the ticket money.

So you are absolutely not being mean, IMO...

Starlight456 · 24/09/2019 22:01

Assuming secondary school yanbu.

If he really wants to go then yes he will love it as a birthday present.

I would give him a few bits to open too.

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2019 22:06

How could it be mean?

Mum, I want to go on holiday, it’s £450. It’s educational too, though.

Sounds great, DS, but I can’t affird that much with your birthday and Christmas presents. Do you want it as your main presents?

Yes please Mum, I’d rather go on the trip than have other stuff.
Or
No Mum, I don’t care that much and I’d rather have X for Christmas.
Or
Muuum, you’re so mean, why can’t I have both?

Last one earns a lecture!

BoomBoomsCousin · 24/09/2019 22:08

If his birthday was at another time of year would you be considering making it his Christmas present?

It's a lot of money and there's nothing wrong with a trip you wouldn't otherwise afford being offered as a present if that makes it affordable. But the way you write the OP makes it sound like this is more of a cash flow issue because everything falls at the same time, in which case, could you suggest it's too much all at once and if he's happy to put his birthday present off until, say, June, then you can afford it.

But also, if you're on disability, do you qualify for FSM and, potentially, help with trip costs? If so, it might be worth asking the school.

MollyButton · 24/09/2019 22:11

Are you entitled to Pupil Premium? I thought that was supposed to help with trips like this.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 24/09/2019 22:11

I've had to do this recently with my 12 year old. I told him that he could go on the trip, but he would get less for his birthday because of the cost. He chose the trip. I don't see the problem, if it's the only way you can afford for him to go. I think it's also a good lesson in budgeting and compromise.

MiniMum97 · 24/09/2019 22:13

It's not mean at all. It's a massive expense and you can't afford that and birthday. It's not a bad lesson to learn that he can't have everything and choices need to be made when spending money.

Sewingbea · 24/09/2019 22:14

DD1 went on a school trip that was basically a jolly. We offered her the option that she could go if I and her Dad paid 2/3 and she would pay the other 1/3 from birthday and Christmas money. She was surprised but agreed to this and has never moaned about it. It's important to learn about the value of money.

Littlemeadow123 · 24/09/2019 22:16

@Notthetoothfairy

How do you know that all the other kids arent having it treated as their birthday presents? There is a high chance that a few of the kids wont be going because their parents can't afford it at all. OP meant that the trip would be his main present, not his only present. He will still have some goodies to open on the day.

@TrippinOut I would give him the option, the trip or a birthday present. Hes old enough to know that you are not a bottomless money pot. If he's not fussed on the trip, he'll opt for something different. Whereas if he really wants to go on the trip then he wont care whether thats its part of his bday gifts.

AcheekyLittleNameChange · 24/09/2019 22:25

Surely you're able to claim pupil premium???

Hecateh · 24/09/2019 22:27

Tell him that it's expensive and not easily affordable but that you can stretch to it if he really wants it but it will need to be his birthday present.

Honeyroar · 24/09/2019 22:28

I can't believe people are saying its mean! As though you should be able to pluck £450 from the money tree and get him lots of other presents as well!

He can have something he wants for his birthday. If that's the expensive school trip, so be it, that's his present (and a damned expensive one at that!). He will be a lucky boy and ought to understand that.

Original poster

TrippinOut · 24/09/2019 22:32

Hmm yes he gets free school meals. I didn't realise that meant we may get help with school trips.

OP posts:

Letthemysterybe · 24/09/2019 22:34

Not remotely mean! But definitely give him the choice. Most teen boys that I know can never think of stuff that they want for their birthdays anyway!

Tbh if I was hard up I’d be making it a joint birthday / Christmas present as £450 is a lot
Of money. But I’d still get him a stocking/birthday equivalent as having nothing to open is sad.

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