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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a please

35 replies

scittlescatter · 24/09/2019 12:40

I am giving away an item if reasonable value via a local community group. Not interested in money, I just want it to go somewhere else where it will get used.

I posted it and had lots of interest. I would usually give it to the first who responded, but got replies along the lines of 'I'll grab it'

Aibu to expect a 'yes please' or similar. Manners cost nothing. I'm tempted to give it to the first person who said please, passing over the grabby replies

OP posts:
whocanbebothered · 24/09/2019 13:02

It's your possession and you can give it to whoever you damn well please, with or without a valid reason for doing so. Personally, I would indeed give it to the first polite person and comment on the post to let everyone know your exact reasons for doing so.
Seeing a post online first does not make you the justified recipient - finders is not keepers when it comes to such things.

I can't abide the grabbiness of some people. I once advertised an ugly bar globe on FB Marketplace for something like £50 and agreed with someone for them to collect it later in the week. I then got an offer for like 3 times as much and when I obviously accepted that offer and advised the first person; well My Gawd! How they kicked off! - how I HAD to give it to them because of some pretend contract we had reached via FB Messenger and I was cheating them out of THEIR item Grin It's mine, I paid for it, I possess it and I can do what ever the f*ck I want with it, whether that be selling it for 3 times as much as originally advertised for, or setting it on fire in the garden. Tough totties to them :)

AllFourOfThem · 24/09/2019 13:03

Yanbu.

Marzipane · 24/09/2019 13:07

I'm with you, OP. Politeness costs nothing, I've given lots away on Freecycle and was so shocked at first when people would say 'I will have it' like they're doing me a favour.

I don't care about spelling/grammar/length of reply and of course I don't expect an essay of gratitude but I'll always pick someone who says 'This would be really useful for me, if it's still available please?'

Funnily enough the polite ones never seem to be time wasters, either.

Cheeserton · 24/09/2019 13:08

Tough totties to them

Actually that was the a shitty thing to do if you'd agreed the sale. You advertised at a particular price and shouldn't have accepted if you weren't going to honour your word. Just because you could change your mind doesn't make it right.

OP - definitely give it to the first reasonable responder.

Scoobygang7 · 24/09/2019 13:09

Not unreasonable at all. I always ask politely and if the response is no, I always thank them for responding. Manners cost nothing whether the item is free or to be paid for.

BuildBuildings · 24/09/2019 13:09

I use freecycle to give stuff away quite a lot. (love a declutter) I always give to the polite person. I actually find it astounding how rude people are when getting free stuff. Yanbu. Give it to who you want ie someone polite.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/09/2019 13:11

YANBU

Marzipane · 24/09/2019 13:13

whocanbebothered I can understand why you did that, but I do feel bad for your first buyer. They got gazumped and must have been very disappointed; I'm not sure they deserve your 'tough luck' attitude as they didn't do anything wrong as such.

Saying that, if I see something I want on Gumtree or Marketplace, I make sure I collect and pay the same day. I'd be worried about leaving it a few days in case the same happened.

Iminagony · 24/09/2019 13:15

Agree entirely. I do the same when gifting anything.

waggydog21 · 24/09/2019 13:18

I knew before I clicked this would be about selling groups. People are so rude and grabby on these things, no pleases or thank yous just “can you deliver?” on free items or constantly bartering with no preamble “Would you take five?” etc. It’s rude.

Shezza71 · 24/09/2019 13:30

I totally agree. I am also part of a Facebook page to help people in need. There have been many complaints of people bluntness or rudeness when responding to an item. And also a lot of people who will literally take anything then sell it in for profit.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 24/09/2019 14:23

whocanbebothered it was you who was the rude one in that situation

whocanbebothered · 24/09/2019 14:49

To everyone who says I was rude: I genuinely don't believe I was. I would highlight that I sent the person a very nice message explaining the situation and my reasons and it was THEM who became rude, belligerent and aggressive. Clearly because they thought they had won a coconut by getting a bargain off a "daft woman" and then were disappointed that they actually weren't!

The fact that I had no idea about the item I was selling and totally undervalued it in my initial advert does not mean that I should have to sell it for that massively undervalued price just because it would be "polite". That's taking the whole British polite-for-polites' sake thing way too far. When it was pointed out to me that it was antique item worth a fair few bob (actually worth a lot more than I even got for it in the end up), I would have been insane to sell it for £50! I work FT in a tiring job, single parent to two kids and get fuck all from anybody so too right I will sell MY OWN BELONGINGS for as much as I can get. And if that's rude, then so be it.

whocanbebothered · 24/09/2019 14:50

@Marzipane
@PutyourtoponTrevor
@Cheeserton

Above re. your comments.

Cheeserton · 24/09/2019 14:54

You made a mistake by advertising at a price you subsequently weren't prepared to sell at. You reneged on an agreed sale. Yes it was rude. Fine, you can do it - already agreed that point. It's undoubtedly crap conduct though. No wonder they were pissed off, nice message or not.

Marzipane · 24/09/2019 15:10

I just think the first buyer deserves some sympathy, and didn't do anything wrong - the pricing was your mistake. But as I said before I understand why you did what you did (for money).

In your position I would feel quite bad about doing it, rather than having a 'fuck them' attitude, that's all. That's quite harsh and unnecessary.

whocanbebothered · 24/09/2019 15:12

@cheeserton

It was sold on FB Marketplace, not Sotheby's Hmm I stand firm that they were pissed off not because they lost an item they had their heart set on, but because they thought they were getting a steal that they themselves would sell on for the correct price.

Genuine question; would you do yourself out of a lot of (needed) money just to be polite?

Going by the amount of posts on MN of people who cannot handle even the tiniest hint of confrontation, I imagine many people actually would. Doesn't make it right though. I do not think that putting my own families needs before those of a perfect stranger likely trying to take advantage of my short-term stupidity is crap conduct - AT ALL.

whocanbebothered · 24/09/2019 15:17

@Marzipane I didn't have a "fuck them" attitude until they got aggressive and nasty when I explained the situation. I don't owe them anything! I was polite, apologetic and explained the situation very reasonably. Bar that, if they want to get rude and mean, I will 100% just think " well fuck you, you're not having it. Tough shit"

And that's ok. We live in a world where so many people feel this overriding need to be liked, or "right" or whatever. I don't, and I don't apologise for it. I'm a genuinely nice, polite, educated, self sustaining human. But I have very firm boundaries and have no problem in upsetting people if that's what needs to be done for my own - and more importantly my families- benefit. And selling something for a fraction of what it is worth (when I needed the money) to a nasty person just because they messaged first, is not within my boundaries of reasonable behaviour.

PinkSpring · 24/09/2019 15:18

We have had a clear out and are giving away things like PC desk, chairs, rugs, etc all in good condition - we just don't need them anymore.

Some of the responses are just "want" or "mine"..... er no?! Yet I am finding the ones who appear to really want the items and ask nicely stop responding anyway!

If it wasn't raining, I would stick it all outside and first to collect gets it!

Willow2017 · 24/09/2019 15:22

I then got an offer for like 3 times as much and when I obviously accepted that offer

You made a contract with the 1st person to sell it to them at an agreed price no wonder they were pissed off. How do you know they wanted to sell it on? They probably just wanted it and you went back on your word.

It's not being 'polite' its keeping your word on something. Your word obviously means feck all.

whocanbebothered · 24/09/2019 15:28

@willow2017 I'm not going to do myself out of £100, which will feed my kids for 10 days, just because some stranger is going to be slightly inconvenienced and annoyed. Anyone who says they would is either a liar or has their priorities wrong in my opinion.
If putting my kids before a randomer on FB makes me a bad person then I'll put my hand up to it. Happily. Guilty as bloody charged!

Jeez, the holier-than-thou brigade who are either total angels, total liars or have never been skint a day in their lives are unreal on here today.

Itsallpetetong · 24/09/2019 15:31

To everyone who says I was rude: I genuinely don't believe I was

You were. You offered it at a certain price, someone agreed to buy it at that price, then you decided they couldn’t have it after all because you wanted more.

Lunafortheloveogod · 24/09/2019 15:33

@whocanbebothered I can see why they were pissed off but I can see your point too.

I’ve held items for someone who’ll collect it next week for example and said to others sorry it’s sold pending collection n all that said if it fell through I’ll let them know etc and then the cf who wanted it originally disappears into thin air and never bothers to even say they’ve changed their mind etc by the time that all happens the other buyers have usually found what they wanted elsewhere and you’re back to square one. I now say I won’t hold it, unless you’re physically on your way, it’s first come first serve. so I’m not stuck with 2 spare sofas again

whocanbebothered · 24/09/2019 15:34

Seeing as apparently 100% of people here agree I was an arse, fine.

I'll admit it could be perceived as rude by reneging on the agreed price. But I don't think it was the wrong thing to do. My priorities were correct. Different if I was selling my item to go get pissed with my mates but when its a case of feeding my kids, damn straight I will get what I can for it. If you people would have done different in the circumstances then woop for you.

bongsuhan · 24/09/2019 15:36

"@Marzipane I didn't have a "fuck them" attitude until they got aggressive and nasty when I explained the situation. I don't owe them anything! I was polite, apologetic and explained the situation very reasonably. Bar that, if they want to get rude and mean, I will 100% just think " well fuck you, you're not having it. Tough shit" "

You're also very likely legally in the wrong, unless UK law requires a written contract for stuff like this.