To want to say something when I probably shouldn't?

[LOALM]

Bit of a complicated one to explain, bear with.

MIL is very pro Brexit, and of a generally anti-immigration mindset. I am not. I try and avoid talking to her about the topic/s as we have had an up and down relationship over the years and even though I strongly disagree with her views (and in particular the way in which she expresses them), I don't want to cause a rift in that side of the family. For extra context, if/when MIL and I are not seeing eye to eye, my DH and FIL rarely see each other, and they have a strong relationship.

Recently, she's taken to sharing some really offensive and, in my view, very ignorant posts on FB. The most recent one being about Muslims and wearing poppies, with a quite vulgar sentiment to them. I'm appalled TBH, and I REALLY want to say something, but feel I can't for above reasons. I've unfollowed her on FB (bit passive-aggressive I know, but at least for now I simply won't see it), and have told my DH that I'm starting to feel like I just don't want to associate with her at all, and in particular don't want my DS exposed to that sort of rhetoric.

I'm really struggling with saying nothing to her (it feels like complicity), but I know if I do it could well explode, I'd be made to feel like the one in the wrong, and I really don't want my DH and FIL to suffer (or indeed my DS and his gdad). Is unfollowing the best I can do? WWYD?

When I was growing up my mum was a Liberal and my dad a Tory. A lot of the family friends were either Labour or Tory.
I distinctly remember from about 6 or 7 years old my parents saying that there is no need to discuss politics with friends or family as it only led to disagreement when in fact we have far more to agree on.

These days with Social Media and the internet everyone thinks that their own opinion is special and correct and others are wrong and even dangerous. Of course this is largely bollocks.

But basically this leads me to your question of WWYD, well I'd not discuss politics with someone whose ideas I strongly disagree with if that relationship was very important to me.

I actually have a similar issue with my In Laws, I guess it's very common these days as lots of the over 60s will for example read the DM and believe it. I simply keep political talk to a minimum, let them rant and only respond to direct questions on the subject where I will give my honest opinion and back it up with some facts or real world examples. If they say something that is not true I simply state that "This is not true, you should independently research from reputable sources the stories that you see in the tabloids". If they push it then I'll present them with verifiable sources as to why it is BS (when I can be arsed).

If they rant about Muslims I'll mention that my neighbours are Muslim and the best people, I'll mention that I work with Muslims and they are as individual and unique as people from any religion or that my friends are Muslim and they treat me as family. If they say they are filled with hatred I say that the only hatred I see is coming from them towards a vulnerable minority and ask them to justify that.

But mainly I turn the other cheek. They are not my family, they are my partners family. If it was my family I'd have already turned my back on them if I'm honest with myself but they aren't and they are important to my partner and therefore they are important to me. Some conversations are not worth having.

I would unfollow anyone whose posts I found offensive on an ongoing basis, whatever their nature, because of not having much in common with them.

However, I would say something to that person IF they regularly brought up such topics in conversation with me. I would just tell them we both have strong and different views on certain topics and that I do not want to discuss them. I'd ask her to respect my views differ and warn that If she insists on doing so then I wouldn't visit again. Then, follow through if she does continue.

You also have to respect that she is entitled to her opinion and that it just differs to yours. Neither of you are right, neither are wrong, just different.

I would hide or delete her off social media, and reduce contact between your child and her. The school of thought mentioned by the poster above - that politics should be kept 'secret' - is what allows disgusting, backwards attitudes to continue, and allows people who harbour these horrible attitudes to face no opposition to them.

If one of my friends came out with something racist or homophobic etc, or a political view that indicated that's how they felt, I would then know that they weren't the kind of person I wanted in my life, or to associate with. My mum tried pulling me up over deleting some family friends off Facebook - 'Susan's noticed you're not friends on Facebook any more' etc - and I told her directly: I don't want racist drivel on my news feed, and I don't want to be associated, even online, with people who have those views. You can tell her it was a tech glitch, or you can tell her the truth, I don't care.

I get that when it's family it's more complicated - which I why I suggest just hiding her and dialing down on contact. You can tell her why - I would want to - but if you need to preserve your own sanity, you don't have to. Just phase that toxic bollocks out.

Unfriend. And tell the truth when she asks why.

jesus its social media..defriend her

Does she actually know your stance here and is still being openly racist or not?

Not worth it OP. Take the high road, if she say she something you disagree with while in conversation I would ignore or calmly state that you don't agree but there's literally no point entering into "debate" with these types.

Limit contact and if something is said in front of your child that you feel is ignorant/offensive it's a good learning opportunity for him. You can explain that different people hold different views and explain why you think they're wrong in an age appropriate way. It will start him on the path to critical thinking and an understanding that adults aren't always right, better to learn that early I feel! There's no point in exploding with her and a family feud ensuing, it will only cause you and your husband stress, though I completely understand why you want to!

Thankfully, she doesn't tend to talk about this openly (around me anyway) - in fact, last time she did I simply said 'I think we should change the subject, I don't agree with you and we will fall out if you carry on'.

Of course, I do understand that her view is hers, and mine is mine - and not everyone will agree with my POV, and I certainly do not with hers.

This particular issue is that she is posting more and more and the content of the posts is getting more offensive. I try to keep my own views on these matter off social media (although I have been known to be a bit 'sharey-sharey in the past), but it does feel like there's an element of complicity with not saying anything - that if I (or no-one else) challenges her about her content, that we in essence agree with it.

Neither of you are right, neither are wrong, just different. Is it possible to be racist and right?

I think you can agree to disagree on politics. But I think I would draw the line on racism as that's different.

For example, I voted remain. I have no issue with family and friends who voted leave because they wanted more decisions made in the UK, or wanted out because they felt they weren't ever given the chance to actively join. We just dont speak about it.

I think someone saying something like 'there is too much immigration as its putting too much pressure on our services and housing' I would again ignore and only bring it up if they asked my opinion. But someone saying something against immigration because foreigners are scum or something racist is different. It's not 'just an opinion' its factually wrong, offensive and if they said it in public could be a hate crime. Its not political it's more than that. And I think turning the other cheek in that situation is difficult because it does feel like you are being complicit if you dont challenge racist views.

Could you / have you reported to Facebook? What does your husband think? Could he have a word and phrase it as he is worried that people will perceive her as racist or something? Does she ever say anything like that in front of your son? You could always say you have noticed her posts and are worried if she says anything like that in front of him, he will repeat it in school and be in massive trouble as they will see it as racist and they take it extremely seriously. So its kind of removing your thoughts and opinions from it while making it clear its not really acceptable. If you otherwise get on, it might be a shame not to somehow give her the chance to tone it down before reducing access to her grandchild.

MereDint - not in my world, no

lots of the over 60s will for example read the DM and believe it
We don't all lose our intelligence & critical powers when we hit 60, you know!

@GettingABitDesperateNow I think you've hit the nail on the head. As much as I find her incessant 'we voted leave, deal with it' posts a bore, they don't offend me. But today's post is way past a line of acceptability. We had a situation a few years ago whereby she was really out of order towards me, and when DH found out he was furious and promised to speak to FIL about it, try and resolve. But he never found a way to do it, and I had to just grow very broad shoulders about that issue (and her in particular) and move on for the sake of him and his DF.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers if I do, the situation in the family will more than likely be awful. Otherwise I would have done it way before now!

If it’s false statements she’s posting I usually put the snopes post below quantifying it.
I’ve recently snoozed a friends mum who added me who has started posting stuff that I am now being to find offensive

PIL are like this. Well, FIL is, MIL doesn't say or do anything controversial but votes the way he tells them.

I have no qualms about calling them out if they say something offensive. Last time we were there he was making very offensive comments about the p**i taxi driver who had picked him up from town. You don't need to be nasty - we just say things like "Do not use that language in front of my children, it's totally inappropriate". Then conversation in the car on the way home about how grandad is a dinosaur and some of the things he says/thinks are very old fashioned and very offensive. Kids call him out on it too.

I would and have made my viewpoint clear to a family member that is very pro Brexit and racist. We did have a huge argument and didn’t speak for a while.

I don’t think calling people out for being racist is ever a lost cause personally and will always do it even if it means upsetting the apple cart.

I have I unfollowed many people like your Mil. Manly family who have views I strongly disagree with. Also I try not to see them and if I do to not discuss politics because they are not people I feel particularly close to and I do we will never agree. I don't shy from telling them I disagree though if they bring something up I disagree with.
So I would un follow her. Don't discuss politics with her but if she says anything to you that you disagree with tell her you disagree and why.

I would have unfriend her on FB, just like you would if it was a friend or colleague.

You absolutely do not need to follow someone who is racist and small minded - no matter who they are.

Just dont talk about it with her. You dont agree with it, but shes entitled to her views.

The only time I would say something was if she talked about it to me or said something in front of my child.

lots of the over 60s will for example read the DM and believe it
So do under 60s!
Believe me there are many many over 60s who read the Guardian!

I hate sweeping generalisation & assumptions about people's politics or racist attitudes based on age or whatever - or reading the dm
according to these assumptions it would mean that I never read anything but right wing papers I love Boris & trump (gag -nb spot deliberate mistake of no capital letter)
Op you can out up articles about Muslims who fought in ww1 or ww2 or other things on your time line -without commenting on her comments & block her quotes/articles & report them -

I do not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

You are not complicit for allowing another's viewpoint. Whilst her views maybe abhorrent we live in a free society and she should be allowed to share her thoughts.

It is difficult for you but I think just ignoring for the benefit of your dh is the best plan.

As a PP said, if it's a false claim then I usually put a link to snopes.

Another Guardian reader here, well over 60! Hope this consoles OP for when she hits that mighty age.