What should I do (relationship advice)

[DaffodilsAndDandelions]

So my partner has form for getting very drunk every Sunday afternoon from 3-7 when I take our 9month old to go pick him up. This Sunday we were on a family weekend away and he still got drunk tho not as bad. The main throng is he was at the swimming pool with his 6 year old (my stepson) who can’t swim but was happy playing in the children’s pool while his daddy was on the side. Also there were my sister and boyfriend. I’d taken the baby back to the lodge for a snooze.
We fell out upon his eventual return as he was in my opinion too drunk to have been a responsible adult at the pool and to ride the tag along bicycle back.

Other drinking on his part is
Monday evening getting back about 6
Same on a Tuesday
Wednesday and Thursday mostly nothing though sometimes he’ll sneak in a couple if I’m picking both boys up from his mums.
Friday drinking after work getting home about 6. I pick stepson up from school and take both children somewhere fun then cool tea.
Saturday after dropping stepson off at his mums he’ll want to go for a drink which means taking the baby too which is ok for an hour but then he’s bored and hungry so I drive home.

When he’s consumed a lot of alcohol we fall out, he blames it on me.
On a week night he just falls asleep on the sofa.

I don’t trust him to not sneak in a beer before collecting the baby after his days with gran so I end up getting both children.
I never get a night off for myself
His week he’s got a committee meeting in a pub and a night out with friends planned for 2/3 nights his eldest stays at ours so I am parenting both those nights. He’ll still expect to have his usual Friday evening out too and then we are back to Sunday.

What should I do?

Sounds like he has a problem with alcohol.

Have you ever had a sit down chat about your concerns?

He's a functioning Alcoholic.

If he won't face up to that, then you have to decide if you want to stay with him.

Unless he recognises his issue, it's going to get worse.

Does anyone have any ideas how to broach the subject with him? I can already hear the argument and accusations of it being my fault because he hasn’t changed since I met him. (Not quite true, he’s got worse). Our situation has changed as we have a baby now and all the promises he made he has gone back on.
Where can I look to for advice?

Your post is very disjointed and I struggled to understand what you ment in some parts, from what I did gather he either drinks every single night or he doesn't drink during the week accept maybe trying to sneak a couple in on a Wednesday or Thursday and then drinks at the weekend? And you don't mention Sundays.

Dealbreaker - stop the drinking or leave him

I’m sorry I will try again.

Monday - goes to pub after work anytime from 4 and stays until at least 5:30

Tuesday - same as Monday

Wednesday - goes to pub if he thinks he has time. (Finishes work anytime before 4:15)

Thursday - same as Wednesday

Friday - finishes work around 3, goes to different pub and stays until around 5

Saturday - goes to pub, often with me and baby as we have been out together. Stays until I baby tells me it’s home time.

Sunday - goes to pub around 3 and stays until 6:30

We have a 9 month old together who is obviously here all the time. He also has a 6yo from previous relationship who stays Wednesday-Saturday.
The 9mo is at MILs Wednesday and Thursday and she collects 6yo from school these days. Both children get picked up from hers at 4:30. This often falls to me as I don’t trust him not to squeeze in a drink or 2.
I collect 6yo from school on a Friday and take both children somewhere fun.

This week OH has told me he has a meeting (in a pub) on Wednesday night and is going out with mutual friends on Thursday. Both of these potentially leave me doing bedtime on my own which is not a big drama but I feel OH should be here when is eldest son is.

What has brought this to a head is OH behaviour on Sunday when I’d left him at the pool with 6yo.
I was cross with him when he returned as he was clearly drunk which I thought irresponsible as he was supposed to be supervising a nine swimmer and then cycled back with a tag-along.
He grabbed hold of my belt to stop me walking off and pulled quite hard. My back is always very sore and this has made it worse.

Hope I’ve got everything written down clearer. I’m bit very good at being coherent!

Oh hell no, the minute he puts his hands on you it’s game over.

1. Stop parenting his child. He is responsible. Stop shielding him from his responsibilities. If he is unwilling or unable you’re duty bound to alert the child’s mother.

1. No more family days at the pub.

@DaffodilsAndDandelions with respect he will not listen to you and he until he recognises he has a problem, nothing will change. Your only priority is to ensure your DC are safe and not left what so ever with him.

I will make sure I parent his child when he comes to stay because I’ve known and loved him for 5.5 years and he needs to know he is always cared for. He won’t suffer directly from he father’s mistakes.

The pub we frequent is a very locals orientates place and we both know pretty much everyone in there most of the time. I am fine going to sit with my friends for an hour while the baby is happy with that. It is making him into a very social little person and he is a big hit with the bar maids! I drink tea/lemonade or a half of cider so definitely not over the limit and the baby is only ever in the pub at a suitable hour for children (tea time ish).

Honestly OP I would leave, this isn't going to get any better without something shocking him into realising he has a problem (and maybe not even then) and I'm not sure I could put myself or my baby through watching his addiction play out.

Speak to Al-Anon, they offer support to families of alcoholics. You need to understand what you're up against before you can make a decision about where you go from here I think and talking to people who've been through it is the best way to do that

Stop making excuses!!!! He’s an alcoholic and you’re fine with sitting in the pub with your 9 month old baby?
You either want opinions, or you don’t. Alcoholism isn’t ala Carte, you can’t pick and choose the bits that suit you.

Continue to parent his child then, leaving him with no responsibility because you’re wiping his arse for him.

@Goodlookingcreature

I think you are being a bit harsh. Without seeing the pub situation and how suitable it is for a baby you shouldn’t be so judgemental.

Our local is run by friends and we know almost everyone in there at any time. Would you be so judgey if we were all sat in my living room? I think it does children good to be involved in more grown up situations and taught how to behave appropriately. 9mo will either sit in my knee or in a high chair if it’s tea time. Or if it’s quiet he can crawl about. As soon as he isn’t happy, I leave. He comes to work with me 3/5 days and I often call in a lunchtime for a cup of tea, some dry crawling space (I work outdoors) and the use of a change table.

The issue here is not with me however but my OH and I would appreciate it if advice could be aimed at helping me solve that particular issue and not slating my parenting choices when I am doing the best I can.

The bits that worry me about this are:

1. He showed agression towards you.
2. He has broken promises to deal with his drinking in the past.
3. The swimming incident - if he was supervising a non-swimmer and meant to cycle afterwards he should have be in full command of his instincts and reflexes which he was not if he was drunk. Also, I would say that one of the definitions of an alcoholic is someone who puts alcohol before their loved ones' wellbeing which is what he was doing.

It sounds to me as though gentle persuasion or even threats of leaving etc have not worked and the time has come for clear action - leave.

From the point of view of a recovering alcoholic myself, he sounds very much like he has a problem with alcoholism even if he does not realise or admit to it.

The problem with alcoholism is that it only gets worse. It took me SO long to realise this. There is no "let it get better by itself", it will continue to impact yourself and your family and he will continue to drink more and more. Whatever is happening now due to his alcohol will only be amplified.

Approaching an alcoholic is difficult as a lot of the time, they know they have an issue but do not want to quit and are in denial as they enjoy drinking. Often (not always) someone has to hit rock bottom before they get help.

You said that speaking to him will cause arguments - why not write him a letter? Give it to him when he is sober and ask that he reads it all. Detail what you have told us, how he drinks most nights and you don't get a night off. How he is becoming aggressive. How the children will get to the age why they will always wonder why daddy is drunk. How it emotionally impacts you. And put the Alcoholics Anonymous number at the bottom.

He just needs to get to a meeting. Even if he is going with the intention of "fixing" the problem that other people thinks he has, and in an attempt to shut you up, he just needs to get to a meeting. They will take over from there, and thousands of sober people can give testimony to the wonders that they work, myself included.

I wish you the best OP, please message me if you need x

Thankyou for your responses. Though they have been hard to read, it is what I was expecting.
I really don’t know what my next step should be. We live together (renting) work together (self employed partnership) have a baby and dog together and then there is the 6yo to consider who I have always treated like my own. I wouldn’t say I’m friends with his mum but we get on where he is concerned. I would hate to lose all contact and so would he.

I think he has an alcohol problem. I hope you can convince him to acknowledge and deal with it. Rope in his mum if necessary. Very best of luck to you.

(What's a 'cool tea'?)

@Rachelover60
I meant cook tea. Oops. Trying to multitask again. It’s usually pizza on a Friday as I can’t be bothered to cook anything else with 2 tired hungry children and no help to cook or parent.

I’m not talking about the baby in the pub, I’m talking about encouraging him to sit in the pub on family day. It’s not about your or the baby, neither of you have a drinking problem. He does, therefore it’s not suitable for socializing

This is all incredibly unfair on you, OP!

Can I ask, does the mother of your stepson realise that he is not getting the time with his father as intended but is being parented by you?

Would she have views on this that might help you challenge your DH on his voluntary absenteeism from family life?

I think @Goodlookingcreature makes a valid point in that your OH clearly is a functioning alcoholic and you can’t pick and choose when that’s ok with you. Eg) when he’s drinking in the pub after work/on a Sunday you’re not happy VS when you choose to join him and socialise with your 9mo this is ok. You can’t really have it both ways

I think you've got to make some very difficult decisions here; you are already concerned about his alcohol dependence and his irresponsible behavior. Unfortunately when there is substance abuse the addict protects himself by denying there is a problem to himself and the people around him. There's nothing you can do until he WANTS to change. I would speak with an attorney to find out where you would stand legally in a separation or divorce. I would contact his son's mother and express your concerns. I'm sorry if I missed in your post whether she's sharing custody. I would suggest attending Al-Anon meeting. Then a come to Jesus moment when he is sober and rational. Best of luck

Please get formal advice from AlAnon - a support group for families of alcoholics [and soon before danger]

@DaffodilsAndDandelions

I wouldn’t say I’m ok with him needing to go to the pub on a Saturday evening too but it is easier to all go on our way home than to drop him off and collect later.

If I refuse to go he is grumpy and ruins hope of a nice evening as our family of 3 anyway. Much as I love my stepson he is a challenging child and I do look forward to him going back to his mum on a Saturday night as it’s one less person for me to worry about.

I need some time to myself and I can’t get a couple of hours a week at the moment. I had hobbies that I now can’t do like swimming and mountain biking. Obviously both can be baby friendly but are not as much fun for me.

If I talk to stepsons mum she will be upset/angry and not want her son to come anymore which will hurt both me and him never mind his dad. I really want to minimise impact on the children in this situation as it is not there fault.

** their

Most fathers would be thrilled to be knocking off work at 3 on a Friday and able to meet up with their kids straight from school going into the weekend but your OH's first thought is beer. It's really sad for you, your kids and him. These years should be cherished and he needs to seek help in order to recognise that.