What should I do (relationship advice)

[DaffodilsAndDandelions]

So my partner has form for getting very drunk every Sunday afternoon from 3-7 when I take our 9month old to go pick him up. This Sunday we were on a family weekend away and he still got drunk tho not as bad. The main throng is he was at the swimming pool with his 6 year old (my stepson) who can’t swim but was happy playing in the children’s pool while his daddy was on the side. Also there were my sister and boyfriend. I’d taken the baby back to the lodge for a snooze.
We fell out upon his eventual return as he was in my opinion too drunk to have been a responsible adult at the pool and to ride the tag along bicycle back.

Other drinking on his part is
Monday evening getting back about 6
Same on a Tuesday
Wednesday and Thursday mostly nothing though sometimes he’ll sneak in a couple if I’m picking both boys up from his mums.
Friday drinking after work getting home about 6. I pick stepson up from school and take both children somewhere fun then cool tea.
Saturday after dropping stepson off at his mums he’ll want to go for a drink which means taking the baby too which is ok for an hour but then he’s bored and hungry so I drive home.

When he’s consumed a lot of alcohol we fall out, he blames it on me.
On a week night he just falls asleep on the sofa.

I don’t trust him to not sneak in a beer before collecting the baby after his days with gran so I end up getting both children.
I never get a night off for myself
His week he’s got a committee meeting in a pub and a night out with friends planned for 2/3 nights his eldest stays at ours so I am parenting both those nights. He’ll still expect to have his usual Friday evening out too and then we are back to Sunday.

What should I do?

He has a problem. You are pussyfooting around him. Making excuses.
It's not going to get better unless he stops drinking.
Drinking is the most important thing in his life. He puts alcohol before his children. Before you. He always has time for the pub but not for family.
He needs an ultimatum.
Sort himself out or get lost. Imagine you split up. He has a new partner and your child goes there to stay each week. Would you want to know he was drunk when he was responsible for your daughter? Would you think it was better if the new partner didn't tell you? Because that is his ex right now.
Stop making excuses. Plenty of people split up with partners and they survive. You can stay with family, claim benefits, get a new job. You will get through it. Your situation is tricky but not impossible. Make a plan for what you will do, how you will manage
You may need it. Do that first before you talk to him.
If you are scared of how he will react write it down as pp suggested. Get someone to be there with you
Don't let him gaslight you.
He stops drinking or he leaves. His choice.
I'm sorry you are in this mess, I don't mean to sound harsh. I really do wish you all the best and I think you sound like a really lovely person. You deserve much much better than this.

Thankyou again. I am home now for the evening so may not get chance to reply. Will see what tomorrow brings.

He is prioritising his drinking above his family life and commitments.

It is not your job to smooth his way so that he can drink. This is what is happening at the moment. You're doing all the parenting and wife work, he gets to sit in the pub.

He does not care that you are inconvenienced. He does not care that you are parenting your child and his alone. He does not care that you have no time to yourself.

He only cares about his drink and his pub time.

This will only get worse.

So last night was particularly uneventful. After being out in the pouring rain all day he finished work at 2 and came straight home which is unheard of. Had a pounding headache so no uncomfortable chat I’m teally not sure who to talk to first. OH, citizens advice, MIL, or try online chat for Al-anon. There are no meetings that I can get to.
Trouble is, when we’ve had a good day or too I start to think “it’s not that bad, surely it’s better for the boys if I stick it out”.
I do agree he is most likely a functioning alcoholic but is it worth upsetting the apple cart by saying it? Better the devil you know and all that?

This happened in my family and I will say that a functioning alcoholic is only functioning until they aren't. In my family he was fine until one day when he was watching one of the children and they ran out into the road. He had been drinking for a while and his reflexes were crap, child only saved from being hit by a car by a passer by. Then a few weeks later he drove his bike into an oncoming car and broke his arm. Then on holiday he was meant to be watching the three year old but he was drinking and not focusing and the little one fell in the deep end of the pool and was pulled out by a lifeguard.

I have seen how easy it is to overlook drinking when someone in general seems to be managing, but they should never be left in charge of children. The family member started spending longer and longer in the pub. His wife had enough and left him as he wasn't willing to change and couldn't see the problem. He got more and more aggressive as well when people challenged him. The family don't see him anymore.

If you stay with him you need to accept you have to take on all parenting and that there will come a point where he either is functioning anymore or this level of drinking will cause serious health issues

His kid is staying and he's not even around? Charming!

@motortroll
Not helpful in anyway. Take your trolling elsewhere

I don’t trust him to not sneak in a beer before collecting the baby after his days with gran so I end up getting both children.

Jesus wept.

It’s really hard to see if it’s perceived as bad by other people or if I’ve written in a way that makes things seem worse than they are. Or have I got used to my normal?
Starting to doubt myself now though I think that’s justbecause we have had 2 alcohol free days and he helped hang the washing out without being asked.
🤯

The clue is in the name, functioning alcoholic. The fact you've a) noticed he's booze free for 2 days and b) that he has been more helpful indicates how often he drinks and that his drinking affects his behaviour. Functioning alcoholics could give up booze for days/weeks, but it won't last, sadly.

There is a quiz, I believe, you can do on the AA website that may help you in broaching the subject.

Ultimately, I think firstly it may be an idea to suggest other ways of socialising as a family that isn't in the pub. Secondly, you need to let him know that you feel unsupported and that his drinking is affecting you and your family, and you're carrying this burden alone. Call Al-ANON, they will be a huge form of support for you, my MIL volunteers for them and I believe all their volunteers who take calls have had first hand experience of this.

Please don't ignore this, however good a few days have been.

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. Upsetting the apple cart is precisely what you need to do in order to protect the children.

My mum wouldn't leave and said much of the stuff you are saying.

My childhood was horrendous and I'm scarred by it still. I have a poor relationship with both of my parents now.

Get out while you can. For you and the kids.

You need to tell your steps sons mum what is going on too.

@DaffodilsAndDandelions

I wasn't trolling I think it's shocking that alcohol takes priority over spending time with his child. I should have written more I guess but what else is there to say? His drinking is affecting his parenting and your life, why do you have to ask if it's ok?

So, I’ve emailed al-anon uk. I get tongue tied on the phone at the best of times so thought this easiest. I will try and speak to MIL tomorrow morning. Can’t talk to her tonight as the 6yo will be listening in and he doesn’t need to know anything. I am reluctant to speak to 6yo mother just yet. Her reaction will be massively over the top and more damaging to the situation both for her son and his father. She will fly if the handle at my OH without putting any thought into it at all and say plenty of hurtful things she shouldn’t. She also likes a drink. She will also stop her son coming to stay with his father and how do you explain to a 6yo that he’s not going to see daddy or his baby brother any more? I think it will be better for me to try getting OH to AA and give him a chance (albeit a short one) to change first then progress to telling the EX if he shows that he can’t or won’t change or admit a problem.

Thought on this plan of action greatly appreciated.

@motortroll

I’m asking because it’s hard to get an outsiders perspective when you are deep in a situation that feels normal it’s been going on for so long.

You have all been very helpful and are keeping me on track

OP I've been in a similar situation and STBEXH's drinking and his inability to admit there was a problem or change his habits were a large part of our split. I think you've hit the nail on the head, that it seems so normalised that you don't realise how dysfunctional it actually is. And PP is probably right that having family time in a pub is handing your DP an excuse to keep on the same way.

Ex would never admit he had an issue and it was when his drunken behaviour started being witnessed by our DC but he couldn't see that being wrong that I walked.

Sending that email is a positive start. However I think unless he accepts the negative impact his drinking has you may struggle to make progress and you'll have to decide if you really want to deal with a man child on top of 2 kids. I wish you all the best.

The only thing I will say OP, having experience of alcoholism in the family, is you cannot 'get' him to AA. You can support him, etc, but he HAS to want to go. It may not be immediate, but if you force him, it won't mean anything.

Whatever else you do, accepting you can't stop him from being addicted to alcohol is the first step.

So if he can, he goes to the pub EVERY day if the week? And you're asking if there's a problem? Good grief.

@SleepingSoul

Thankyou for your kind and helpful words.

I know I can’t make him accept there is a problem or make him go to an AA meeting. All I can do is tell him how I feel and what the consequences will be if he cannot change.

I don’t want my boy to be without his daddy as I never knew mine. However no daddy is surely better than one who puts beer first?

I’m not really seeing why people are make me a bigger deal than needs be out of 1 hour in the pub on a Saturday. I sit with my friends and the baby. OH sits with his friends. If I didn’t go out that one evening then I don’t go out at all and most of my friends socialise in the pub as they either don’t have children or have grown up children. It is not uncommon for at least 3 of us to be driving or just not drinking so it really is like sitting in a living room except no telly on and we all talk. Nobody had a house big enough or central enough to meet in. The men on the other hand do all like a drink.

You're right, you need to decide where your line in the sand is, make the consequence clear and follow through. My ex still spends most of his free time in the pub, but it's not my problem any more. My home and the life DD and I have is a lot happier now although it's not been an easy transition.

I haven't seen any suggestion he's over indulging when he has DD and actually having her alone has forced him to parent rather than opt out but it was something that concerned me when we first split. If your DP's been a bit reckless in the past you might want to think about what you'd ideally want to do in relation to custody if you split.

Part of what is keeping me from leaving is that KNOW he is a good dad. When he has his eldest on his own they go for lovely days out and he never even thinks about going to the pub. He never smokes around the home or children. That seems to be a drinking thing or if colleagues are smoking.
I’ve seen a lot of brilliant parenting and really don’t want his latest screw up to have a bigger impact on our family than it needs to.

How do I tell him he has a drinking problem without too much hurt and anger ?

I don't think it's possible tbh. There is going to be hurt and anger. What about your hurt and anger? Why is yours stifled so as not to upset him?
What about his children's hurt and anger?
He's hurting all of you. He needs to know.

So I’ve spoken to MIL which was helpful, she can also recognise something is amiss that I need to try and get to the bottom of and suggested a letter. So I’ve been up all evening writing, started off in my best handwriting. By the end of the last page it was a scrawl. It’s YEARS since I’ve had to write more than my name 😳 hand cramp. I will leave the letter somewhere prominent as we will have gone to school before he returns from his night out/stopover.
I hope a positive conversation happens tomorrow evening but I shall keep you all posted.
I’m off to sleep now as the baby alarm clock has started going off at 4:45!!

Good luck, I really hope he listens.
We're here for you if you need us

You’re making a lot of excuses for him so given that, why not just accept this is going to be your life until the kids are at least adults?

You talk about trying to make him see he’s got a problem, but you can’t see that your problem is that you are going to facilitate his problems by making excuses for him. Until you can recognise the part you’re playing in this and deciding what your boundaries are and what you’re going to change, unfortunately nothing else will either.

He’s an alcoholic, a lazy parent to your child, a neglectful parent who endangers the life of his own son, and he’s got a house slave running around after him, why would he change?