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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it too late to make my feelings known

27 replies

Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 09:52

I have recently separated . I was in a very unhappy and lonely marriage and became close to a friend . Boundaries were crossed but we both stopped it as I was married and he is a good man . There was attraction and chemistry there on both sides .we reverted back to friends with lines drawn around it. Nothing more inappropriate or mildly flirtatious or gushing etc. It was awkward at first but bacame back to the way things were . I am
Now single but he is in a relationship. He doesn’t really talk about her but they are together and it seems to be a slow burner. Do I leave or now. I still have feelings and I believe that he does too.

OP posts:
Polydactyly · 24/09/2019 09:55

I would leave it for the same reasons you did in the first place. You can’t explore your feelings for one another properly knowing one of you is having an affair. It’ll cause too much drama and won’t give you a chance to start a proper relationship without all that drama clouding it.

Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 09:57

Ok thanks for your reply . It does feel a bit mean and cruel to do that deep down

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Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 10:12

Anyone else? Would anyone pursue this?

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ScreamingValenta · 24/09/2019 10:16

If he is in another relationship, knowing that you are now single, I think that should tell you that his feelings for you aren't strong enough to end his present relationship and pursue one with you.

Bluntness100 · 24/09/2019 10:17

Has he given any indication he wants to end his relationship to be with you?

Marzipane · 24/09/2019 10:17

You're only recently separated, honestly I wouldn't think it's emotionally healthy for you to be thinking about getting yourself involved in another relationship right now, especially one that's already complicated.

Have you got trusted friends/family you can chat to about your feelings? You deserve to feel better, but looking to feel better by way of another relationship is likely to cause more harm than good.

Focus on yourself OP, best of luck.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 24/09/2019 10:20

I wouldn't pursue it. You have to show that you respect him and respect his current relationship. He knows you're single so he should finish with his gf if he wants to be with you.

Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 10:21

Thanks for your kindness . He hasn’t expressed any wish to be with me . He seems to be making a lot more contact since my marriage broke down and is kindly offering support , practical and emotional .he seems to under the impression that I’ve been dating and gets uncomfortable and lacks eye contact when those conversations come up . He says he likes his girlfriend s lit but doesn’t know what the future holds , after a year or more

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Ohnoherewego62 · 24/09/2019 10:23

What boundaries were crossed? Was he single at the time? Do you feel this way because he has a partner now?

I think if you were severely lacking in some things in your marriage at the time, it may explain why you became so close to your friend.

Maybe spend some time out focusing on yourself and what makes you feel good.

Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 10:29

Yes there was a lot lacking and this is why we got so close . He passed compliments, sometimes a little sexual, personal compliments about me as a person, suggested going places together . Wishing he could meet someone like me etc. It became too inappropriate and I asked him to stop. He did and then met his girlfriend some time afterward. While they were together, for the first eight months,, he began being subtle again with comments etc but finally I asked him to stop completely even though I was flattered and enjoyed the attention .

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Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 10:30

Thanks. No I had feelings back then for him which I tried to pretend didn’t exist because I knew it was wrong for me to feel like that

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Ohnoherewego62 · 24/09/2019 10:33

Awe no that sounds so sad about your marriage. That must have been very lonely. You know your friend better than we do.

What you dont want to do is get in a situation where you become the other woman. You will get the blame there.

Having said that, he cant be all that great if he is willing to drag his girlfriend along when hes being inappropriate with you. Good for you though.

What is it you actually like about him?

Ponoka7 · 24/09/2019 10:34

I think you should have a proper conversation with him, or thos will go on for years.

But, just bear in mind that he seems to be open to cheeting, don't do the 'pick me' dance or become a fling.

Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 10:37

Thanks. My marriage was the loneliest place I’ve ever been. He unknowingly filled an emotional hole in me with fun and laughter and conversation . My husband literally did not speak to me or our kids! My friend is funny , warm, friendly, loving, Chatty, interesting and we share the same interests that’s about it .

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Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 10:38

He is not a bad man. He has really pulled
Back since he settled into his relationship but at the same time , there is something there beteeen is and I don’t think I’m imagining it

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Ohnoherewego62 · 24/09/2019 10:40

Is it a case of forbidden fruit?

It sounds like you really want to tell him. Agree with previous poster. Just tell him how you feel but tell him you're not prepared to do anything until he is single and see his reaction. Youd know by what he does if he means it.

Lefields · 24/09/2019 10:46

Hmm, going to go against the grain here and say if you do really like him and believe he feels the same way then I think I’d tell him but make it very clear you are NOT up for an affair or deceit and that if he did want to explore anything between you, he would absolutely have to finish things with current partner first. Say you’ll give him space for a few weeks so he can work out exactly what he wants.

If he does decide it’s you, ensure you know that he has definitely ended it with this one!

Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 10:46

Perhaps it is because the truth is , I have to share my
Children with my ex
Husband which has been painful
Enough to accept so I will not be involving my children in any relationship that may happen for me. They have been through too much and I would like to keep that part of my life completely separate. So for that teason, my free time is limited to every other weekend , and one night per week plus an evening so I’m not willing to see anyone outside of these times which makes me selfish and specific with my time to see anyone.this inflexibility won’t attract many men I’m pretty sure!

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Ohnoherewego62 · 24/09/2019 10:49

If your friend knows your backstory then I'm sure he would be alright with that until you saw how it developed!

You'll never know unless you ask! Putting your children first doesn't make you selfish. It means you care enough for your little ones. Stop giving yourself a hard time 💐

Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 10:52

I’m afraid to ask. He may tell
Me that this is all in my mind and that he was just being a caring friend. I really think there is something there under the surface though. It’s always been there and has been said out loud but the timing has always been off .

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Thegrasscouldbegreener · 24/09/2019 11:00

If it were me I would ask him directly and honestly, does he have/ever had feelings for you?
You care and value about your friendship with him, but have always wondered if there was more to it on his side. He may be hesitant to tell you, as before you turned him down and he found someone else. A proper heart to heart is called for.

You need to get this out in the open, so you can move on properly if he is happy with his current girlfriend, you will have your answer. He isn't married or engaged, doesn't have children and could call it off I am assuming if he so wanted to.

I would be honest and open, as I am about everything. You will never know otherwise.

glitterfarts · 24/09/2019 11:02

not whilst he is seeing someone else.

Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 11:44

The coward part of me wants to keep quiet. I dread making a fool of myself .we are great friends and have supported eachother so much through he years . Perhaps I should value and appreciate that rather than compromising it in case it gets awkward . I get the feeling from what little he divulged, that he is happy enough but not enough to commit . For long and boring reasons hat o won’t get into , his meedsare being met and so are hers despite those needs being very different .they both get a lot from the relationship socially, financially and from a security point of view. I cannot blame him. He has been very lucky to find a girl
Like her and she is lucky to have found him but I do know that he has concerns and misgivings about the future that cannot be remedied , in that the issues are unsolvable .I think I will leave this alone and see how it works out but if they do break up, I will talk to him and tell him so as to know exactly where we are going .

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ajandjjmum · 24/09/2019 11:48

Could you not joke with him that it's a pity you're never both single at the same time, but say that you really value his friendship?

Original poster
Cutiekatienow · 24/09/2019 11:59

I like that! It really is a pity but even as friends I would adore his company as a travelling partner or to see concerts or films or meals out but cantbexoect that as he is in a relationship and I know that she has doubts about me already

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