Aibu to want to run away due to my son's schools refusal.

[Mum0fteens]

Please someone help. My 14 DS has never liked school from being very little. However has always attended and although not an A* student he does well. He's always been sociable and has lots of friends. He's also very sporty playing rugby league at top level. Anyway after the summer break he has turned into a boy I don't recognise. He refuses to go to school. In the 3 weeks they've been back he's attended 4 times. He won't get out of bed he won't shower he won't talk to me.
I have tried numerous ways to get him in.
Ive tried punishing him, removed his xbox, phone, TV , laptop.
I've tried yelling at him.
I've tried calmly talking to him about his feelings.
I've tried getting him to go to the dr's but he refuses.
I've got school involved who are offering different options.
I've spoke to his friends.
I've cried, begged, threatened.
I've got his rugby coach involved who he respects but nothing has changed.
I've offered to get up earlier with him so we can both go for an early morning run.
I bring him breakfast in bed I've even offered to wash and dress him.

He just lies there in bed duvet over his head refusing to move.
School are being really understanding so far and are only offering support. But I don't know how to break this habit.

The last thing I have to threaten him with is removing his rugby however at the moment that is the only thing that makes him leave the house. That's the only thing he will engage with and if this is mental health related I don't want to remove the only thing that makes him happy and motivated. I also don't want to damage his future opportunities by removing something he is very skilled at.

Also over the summer puberty has really surged within him. Is this hormone related?
Please don't mum shame me I already feel like a failure I need advice as I'm at breaking point.

It sounds like he is depressed.
When I saw the thread title I assumed he was small.
I struggle daily to the point of breakdown over school refusal but mine is 4.5.
I don't know how you would force a teenager, if his coach couldn't get through to him there is something serious wrong.
I'd leave off any agro for a month, no threats but he must see a counselor or a psychologist if you can afford it.
The punishments are only causing you both more distress.

I wasn't very clear. I'd leave him off for a month as long as he promises to meet with a professional? Though public MH care is shit.

He sounds depressed. First step is to get him to see a GP and let the school know in case they fine you for non attendance.
Some schools provide On Line learning for a shgort time , depending on their budget.

Is there someone like a grandparent who could go in during the daytime? Make sure he is up, has lunch, does something other than play on a screen?

If he genuinely cannot even get out of bed all day, every day, then you have to consider depression and medical support.

What does he do all day/eve. He has no phone you say and I presume no WiFi. Is he literally just lying in bed?
If so definitely the doctor.
If he's up and about around the house watching tv and does have WiFi / is gaming etc... a different conversation maybe..

I feel so sorry for you and your situation. I have a very close friend with exactly the same problem...it might even be you !! I shall show this thread to her and get back later . Def go and see GP on Thursday and I actually think it will be more beneficial going without him. A 14 year old will be very resistant to talking to a doctor in a surgery setting. The GP could recommend a counsellor or at least armed with the info you give he doc it will be easier for the doc to just generally chat with your son at a later appointment.

Get online and start researching yourself, some of the sites people have suggested here, you are not alone, and go to the GP yourself. I wouldn't take away rugby, sport is really good if you're depressed and it gives him some motivation to get out of bed.

People, the OP has already said she cannot homeschool him! Not everyone on MN has a lot of money and can spend time homeschooling kids.

Work with the school as you can.

But definitely swot up as much as you can yourself. CAMHS can be really patchy. In some areas, it's pretty useless.

Kids with no problems don’t refuse to go to school. Punishing him for having problems won’t help at all. Neither will taking away rugby, the only thing he enjoys. You need to get him to talk to you about what’s going on. If kids feel like they’re going to be punished or treated like they’re in the wrong they won’t open up. Ditto if the parent is overly emotional and tends to get upset. You need to have a calm conversation about his issues without blaming him.

OP I don't mean to worry you, I was the same age when my MH issues manifested into years of depression, anorexia, excessive behaviours, it took nearly 15 years to balance, though I am still aware I walk on a tightrope with MH issues.
Go give him a big hug, education can wait, his mind is more important, look for a teenage support group to show he is not alone.
It is a very lonely illness. Good luck your fantastic

Just ignore him.

Really you just ignore someone who is clearly suffering? Sure, I mean compassion, love and empathy are so over rated after all.

OP - go to the GP just you. Talk to them. Also ask the school for more support and recommendations. Get something in writing from them that they are helping. Do they have an EWO? They can often provide help and guidance. Asking for help isn't weakness or you being a bad mother. Your son is clearly struggling with something, so getting him the help and support he needs shows that you are in fact a good mother. I have a similar situation daily, although mine is much younger so we turn up to school kicking and screaming still in pyjamas if needs be. I don't recommend taking that approach with your DS though

Also, try and spend some time with him and do not talk about school. You've tried to talk to him and he doesn't want to, so take a step back from asking and remove the pressure. Show him you are there for him. Can you watch a film together or sit and watch a rugby match together? Talk about anything but school. He is no doubt tied up in knots about all of this and isn't ready and/or able to discuss it. Keeping on asking adds to the pressure. He may not even know himself why he feels the way he does. Also, could you invite one of his close friends round just to keep him in the loop and in touch with the outside world. If you have no concerns over his phone and SM you could consider giving it back to him maybe for an hour a day so he keeps in touch with the outside world and doesn't further isolate himself.

for you. It is so challenging, more than I can find words for just please do not beat yourself up over this and remember to take care of yourself too.

Hi, if he refuses to attend on Thursday can you go see the GP anyway and explain the situation and ask for a home visit?

We had this problem. DS was being bullied. He hit back and got a 2 day suspension. He didn't want to go back to school, but I told him if there were 3 more incidents of bullying, he was to call me and I would go and pick him up straight away and he would never have to go back.

At 10.20 am, DS called me to tell me that 3 things had happenend (2 x name-calling and 1 x hiding his property). I was at the school in 10 mins, took him to the secretary to sign out then took him home.

For him, it helped that someone was on his side. We fixed up a meeting with the Headteacher to explain why DS wasn't coming back to school. During the meeting, the Head said, "DS, we see you as a [name of school] man. You belong here." And at that point DS decided to give school another go. We haven't looked back.

They just need to know you're on their side and you would do anything for them. Even remove them from school. If I were in your position, I would let him take some time off. You might just find he gets so bored he wants to go back.

Good luck OP. School is not as important as your DS's mental health.

I’m in the same boat with my 10 year old ,he’s not attended school in 2 years .he has a place at a special school ,but he’s to anxious..absolutely nothing has worked to get him to school..they ..camhs ..are now talking medication.
They want him on drugs to get him to school.
Nah over my dead body.
We have just this week wrote to school to say we are going to home educate

This sounds like a depression, I was similar went from being a A* to almost failing as I couldn't shake myself out of it, I suffered from a depression around 13-14 as I couldn't deal with the massive changes. Going on Anti-depressants for awhile did help me back on track, as well as having a very supportive school. They didn't fail me and gave me the space I needed to get back and I am very thankful they did. See if you can get your GP to come on a home visit as your DS might not be able to go even if he wanted to.

I would put money on anxiety, depression, drugs or some combo. Most school refusing boys spend their time out with friends or gaming not laying in bed with the blinds closed. That's more than just school refusal.

My dd missed some school due to anxiety. This is a really common mental health condition and it's definitely on the increase. Have you done any research on this condition?

It's awful when you don't know how to help your child, I really feel for you.

+1 Request your GP or other GP on call for home visits to see your son.

Hi op. Growing up there were issues and for me going to school became impossible I was about 15 when I said to my mum I wasn't going back after months of hardly going in at all. I thought she would try and force me but she didn't she said okay and I love my mum for that. She sorted everything with the school had meetings etc and I went back just to do my GCSE's (my choice) I was allowed to come in do them and leave. The support I had from my mum and school made me into the well adjusted adult I am today currently doing a diploma and working in the nhs.
It's important he knows you're there for him and in time hopefully he'll open up to you and accept help. School may seem important but a persons mental health is so much more .
Once I didn't have to worry about going to school it became easier to deal with things as that was a large weight off my shoulders.

Are there any lessons that he might be receptive to? I was wondering about PE, since he enjoys Rugby. I’m assuming he’s good at sport, so going to that might make him less self conscious.

If he could manage that lesson and then go home, it might lessen the mental load and anxiety and a le hi to increase the time he’s at school, albeit very very gradually.

I agree that going to the GP on your own is a good idea if he won’t go and if none of it works, online school if you can.

We went through this, I think our experiences may be too outing, so I have private messaged you.

Please don't give up on him.

8 years ago my brother and his wife were in the same position with their youngest. Started refusing at 14, bunking off if one of them managed to get him there. Got worse when he was 15 and 16. Didn't attend at all and there was so little help out there for him. Left officially at 16 with no GCSEs and no other qualifications. Nobody ever chased up to see why he wasn't enrolled at college or other training.

Brother and SIL were hopeless. They have always pandered to him and didn't want confrontation. He made suicide threats along the lines of "if you make me go to school I'll kill myself" which understandably terrified them. But they did nothing to get him to see a GP, a counsellor, anyone really.

8 years later, he's 23, still no qualifications, spends his days at home on his Playstation. All his school friends have moved on into further education, work and relationships. He has totally isolated himself and has no social life at all. No qualifications, no "plan" for life. Never done any volunteering or paid work. Only now are SIL and brother making noises about wishing they'd looked at alternatives to school, or apprenticeships, or volunteering or whatever.

I'm not saying that's waht will happen to OP's son, she can either address the issues with school and get him back in, or look at alternatives which might involve part time school, or home educations, or tutors, or whatever. Just don't do nothing.

Oh and also agree that if he won't go to the GP, the GP will have to come to him. Nephew refused to see the GP too. SIL didn't push it because he got upset at the idea of the GP knowing and she didn't want to upset him. Tough love is needed sometimes.

When I was 15 I decided I was done with school, I hated every second of it. I wasnt really bullied, I had friends, I just couldnt stand it. I had the realisation that 'if I dont go they cant make me' I just didnt care anymore. I didn't start anti depressants but after a while my mum started to let me get on with it and that was a turning point. I passed all GCSEs by revising on my own in my room. I was told I'd fail but actually smashed it with no help. I went usually once a week or if I had coursework due etc, when the pressure of school was removed I immediately felt better, when my mum listened and took my side it made the world of difference. If it is anxiety, pressure at home and at school will push him to breaking point. Try just spending time with him, maybe give him back his phone so he can communicate with his friends (who may encourage him back) and help him reconnect with the world as a priority. Dont let sitting alone in the dark all day and night become his new normal..

I'm currently in the same situation, this started around 2 years ago for us though. My son has just this year been diagnosed with aspergers. I never saw any of the signs, looking back, they were there though. He has been to school a handful of times this year. Currently on a reduced timetable but even thats not making him go. He also has anxiety and pretty much doesnt leave the house. I sympathise with you, it's so so hard. He is in 4th year so due to sit his exams. He will actually do ok in them because he is quite clever but socially he is way behind. To be honest I am wishing we can just get to the point where he is home educated because I know that's where it is going. I dont see him getting back into school. I had to quit my job because of it. School are as helpful as they can be. I dont get any bother about his attendance, they have said they know I'm doing all I can. They have said they have no idea what to do to get him there though. There is loads of help and support available to get him to school but you will have to fight for it for him. Definitely see the dr and they should refer to camhs or the equivalent where you are.