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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want to run away due to my son's schools refusal.

74 replies

Mum0fteens · 24/09/2019 08:50

Please someone help. My 14 DS has never liked school from being very little. However has always attended and although not an A* student he does well. He's always been sociable and has lots of friends. He's also very sporty playing rugby league at top level. Anyway after the summer break he has turned into a boy I don't recognise. He refuses to go to school. In the 3 weeks they've been back he's attended 4 times. He won't get out of bed he won't shower he won't talk to me.
I have tried numerous ways to get him in.
Ive tried punishing him, removed his xbox, phone, TV , laptop.
I've tried yelling at him.
I've tried calmly talking to him about his feelings.
I've tried getting him to go to the dr's but he refuses.
I've got school involved who are offering different options.
I've spoke to his friends.
I've cried, begged, threatened.
I've got his rugby coach involved who he respects but nothing has changed.
I've offered to get up earlier with him so we can both go for an early morning run.
I bring him breakfast in bed I've even offered to wash and dress him.

He just lies there in bed duvet over his head refusing to move.
School are being really understanding so far and are only offering support. But I don't know how to break this habit.

The last thing I have to threaten him with is removing his rugby however at the moment that is the only thing that makes him leave the house. That's the only thing he will engage with and if this is mental health related I don't want to remove the only thing that makes him happy and motivated. I also don't want to damage his future opportunities by removing something he is very skilled at.

Also over the summer puberty has really surged within him. Is this hormone related?
Please don't mum shame me I already feel like a failure I need advice as I'm at breaking point.

OP posts:
user87382294757 · 24/09/2019 09:39

Is there anything else going on in his life he could be reacting to, was there some trigger to this? I ask as he seemed the be coping Ok before.

I have a 14 DS also and it is the year they start their GCSE options / study for these. Is there maybe an issue with the ones he has chosen? I wonder if getting to the bottom of what is nothing him might be the key to addressing this. Maybe a counsellor or something might help but not sure.

RedHelenB · 24/09/2019 09:41

I would remove rugby until he sees the gp at least. Not going to school can become a habit just like going to school is.

m00rfarm · 24/09/2019 09:42

So he cannot get out of bed and do anything - unless it is playing rugby? Do none of his friends at school play rugby? That is the bit I really do not understand. He must go out at least twice a week to do that?

m00rfarm · 24/09/2019 09:44

Is he allowed to watch the word cup on TV whilst he is refusing to go to school. Many matches are on during the day ...

BexIsr44 · 24/09/2019 09:48

I could have written this post! For our eldest the trigger was moving countries, and then some bullying at the new school. Do not fight with him- he is struggling and more than anything needs your help and support. A therapist told us that teenagers are like toddlers, they often ask for love and support in the most unforgiving ways, and they are testing just how much we do love and support them. What he needs right now is a strong family base, unconditional love and support. This combined with getting him out of the house, even if it isn’t going to school. Do not take away the rugby, when our son went through this he even refused to go to rugby. We would have done anything just to get him to go to rugby....
It’s a process. He saw a therapist once but refused to go again. My husband and I went, and it really helped us to be able to talk to a professional who specialises in helping teens.
We now talk very openly at home about anxiety and coping with it. It’s something I can relate to.
Our son is now back at school, albeit for only a few hours a day, and we are looking at moving him to a new school in the hope that it might help. He has agreed to this. But he is still struggling to socialise.
It’s hard, so hard. But sometimes you just have to take it day by day. You must also share and talk, with a professional if needs be. Apart from that, be there for your son, let you know you love and support him no matter what and that you will do everything you can to help him. There are no quick fixes, it’s a process and sometimes seems like a never ending one I know, but it gets better.

Herocomplex · 24/09/2019 09:48

I’d be tempted to just take up a couple of cups of tea, sit in a chair in his room and tell him that you’re missing him and you just want to be with him for a little while. Just sit quietly. Spend a bit of time in peace together, don’t ask anything, don’t talk about anything. Offer him a hug after a while, and tell him that if he needs to talk about anything either you or someone else will listen.

He sounds ‘stuck’. It might take a while, give him space to think.
You must be beside yourself, go and talk to the GP yourself if you’re struggling.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 24/09/2019 09:49

Sounds extremely stressful op, does he get out of bed when you are at work? If he stays in his room with blinds down ALL day it’s sounds like depression. Is he eating?

norfolkskies · 24/09/2019 09:49

have you looked at online schooling? some are pay per subject, so just do the basics (english, maths, science)? to keep cost down? I dont know where you are OP but some councils do use online schooling as "an alternative provision" to school, so it wouldnt cost you anything. I can see Staffordshire uses academy 21. This is a council cost friendly, more basic online school run by Interhigh for councils.

MaidenMotherCrone · 24/09/2019 09:55

I'd stop punishing him for a start.

ShippingNews · 24/09/2019 09:57

You say he is still going to rugby - how about having a chat to his coach ? Young men normally look up to their sports coaches - maybe this man could talk to him and find out something .

Having said that, my nephew walked out of school at 14 and refused to go back. He did a lot of dead-end jobs but ended up getting a job as a junior groundsman at a school . Now in his 30's he is the head groundsman for a local council, in charge of all the parks and sports fields. Refusing school doesn't always have a bad outcome.

Dowser · 24/09/2019 10:01

Can you home Ed
As someone says school doesn’t work for a lot of kids
Three of my grandchildren have never been to school.they are almost 15, 12 and 10
They often now don’t want to go out/ do things.
Teens and pre teens I suppose.
At least they don’t have to

Dowser · 24/09/2019 10:03

They also like studying the things they want to study. The 12 year old is creating his own game.
The 15 year old has taught himself to play guitar so practices every day.
The ten year old is very creative.

Peridot1 · 24/09/2019 10:05

We had similar with DS although his anxiety manifests in daily migraines. Early every morning. He would often get up and shower but then get a migraine.

Like your DS he then got stressed about the attention he would get going back and what people would say. We got into a spiral of him going in at the start of terms and then attendance gradually dropping off and he wouldn’t want to back till a new term as he felt there was less attention on him then.

We tried everything to just deal with the migraines as he was adamant he wasn’t being bullied nor was he stressed or unhappy. In the end around Easter of GSCE year he asked to see a psychiatrist. We ended up seeing a private psychologist. He is now 18 and still see her occasionally. It took time and cost quite a bit but it was what got him back to school.

Basically GSCE year he was off school from the November and did his exams at home. Went back for 6th form and was off and on with bouts of migraines. Final year he did his mocks at home as had another two week bout of migraines but then went back and all was fine. Knuckle down and worked and did his exams at school. Hasn’t had a migraine since.

He now admits he wasn’t happy in years 9/10/11. He found sixth form much better even though it was same school. They are treated differently and he definitely preferred it.

It’s so hard and it’s not your fault. He is unhappy. Can’t or won’t vocalise it but he is definitely not happy.

There are lots of different options for him. But it’s very hard just now.

We found DS was a bit better when we said he didn’t have to go back to school. Gave him the choice of staying at school, moving schools, on line school or tutoring at home. He picked staying at current school. So from then I just kept reminding him it was his choice to stay.

In your shoes I would be trying to get him some mental health support. Although DS did see mental health nurse at school and she said she didn’t think it was mental health related!

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/09/2019 10:05

I think he has got himself into a cycle of not going and then being embarrassed to go in because he has been off.

Does he see himself in school in the future?

Of he does how does he get from where he is to going to school every day

Or if he doesn't would something like an online school be the way to go.

If you are at work all day would he be able to log on for the lessons, do the homework and upload it on time.
Can he be left on his own all day

If he can then I would go down the online school route.

It would definitely take the pressure off

stickerqueen · 24/09/2019 10:10

you can make a gp appointment for him and go talk to the doctor. Ive had to do this for my dd when i needed to discuss her behaviour but did not want to talk about dd while she was present. The doctor was fine with it.

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/09/2019 10:11

Agree I think you need to ask him what he wants and give him the choices, didcuss how each choice should work and give him time to think each choice through.

LittleLostThing · 24/09/2019 10:14

Mine aren’t teenagers yet, only 4 and 7 but I totally get where you’re coming from. I completely lost my shit at them this morning and just started sobbing. I genuinely just cannot cope with spending2 hours every morning begging, cajoling, jollying along, shouting, going to calm down and then coming back to find they’ve put their pyjamas back on. It’s fucking soul destroying.

Passthecherrycoke · 24/09/2019 10:16

“I think he has got himself into a cycle of not going and then being embarrassed to go in because he has been off.”

I agree, I’d feel exactly the same

goodgirlinchachaheels · 24/09/2019 10:17

I am in the same situation with my DD14.

PotteringAlong · 24/09/2019 10:20

Often when school age pupils play sport at a high level, the academy or sports team they play for make compliance at school part of their condition of a team place.

What do the rugby club say about this?

OneAutumnMorning · 24/09/2019 10:20

Have you tried completely ignoring him?

MrsA2015 · 24/09/2019 10:21

So sorry to hear you’re both going through this OP it must be so difficult. I remember being the same at that age, I’d started my periods at 14 and didn’t want to go to school for nearly a year depression set in big time and my mum didn’t know what to do, I must admit the thing that helped me was to go in to school a little later or leave at lunch. For some reason it just seemed less daunting. I’m 27 now but will never forget how it felt that year. Perhaps he just needs time without the stress of “having” to attend so he has the brain space to recover from his feelings? I’d be inclined to maybe tutor/home school for a while and see how it goes, he may end up missing going to school. Really hope it works out for you both Flowers

MrsA2015 · 24/09/2019 10:25

And be gentle on yourself OP, you’re a wonderful mum for even giving two hoots about this issue. I know some who’ve been in similar situations and just buckle and don’t care what happens to their DC who’ve now ended up staying home for 3 years doing sod all with no prospects of even improving.

Itsacakebaby · 24/09/2019 10:29

There is another Facebook group called School Refusal Support Services for Phobia, Refusal and Separation Anxiety.

It's very helpful and it makes you realise you're not alone going through this very challenging journey. Definitely worth a look.

yellowallpaper · 24/09/2019 10:35

Can school refer him to child mental health services? There has to be a reason for the refusal.

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