To be so gutted about breastfeeding

[babybrain77]

Posting here because I'm pretty sure I need to be told to get over myself...

DS is nearly 7 months old and I think we are coming to the end of BF, and I am gutted. Like really gutted.

Some backstory:
Breastfeeding is the hardest thing I have ever done. It was agony for over 2 months. DS had a bad tongue tie which they cut at 3 weeks old, I had a couple of bouts of mastitis and recurring nipple thrush. All the while, I had infected stitches and couldn't really stand or walk without help for the first 2 weeks. DS was a big baby - nearly 11lbs - and wanted to feed constantly. I was in a pretty dark place for the first 6 weeks and pretty much cried my way through every feed (and most of the other events of the day!)

I started combination feeding when he was 10 days old and he has always been happy with a bottle. He goes through the odd day or two where he will demand only bottle or only breast but normally he's happy with what he's given.

Fast forward to now, I'm back at work (since he was just under 4 months) and up until last week the feeding was going great. I was able to leave the office at lunchtime for a feed and had settled at 4-5 feeds over 24 hours. He's weaning now and loving his solids.

Over the last 10 days or so, he seems to have lost interest in feeding on the breast. This coincides with me deciding I want to lose the baby weight and cutting out a lot of junk calories (but still eating plenty, just healthily). My let down seems to be taking forever (often a solid 3-4 minutes of DS trying) and it's gone from the highlight of my day to a horrible experience for both of us. Sometimes the milk doesn't let down at all and I give up after 5 mins and give him a bottle. I'm still expressing if I haven't done one of my 4-5 feeds.

So here is my AIBU - AIBU to be so devastated that this is how it ends? I was desperate to have a positive end to BF after an awful start and I really wanted to continue feeding for a while longer. But my mood seems to be so tied to whether he's having good feeds or not, and he seems so miserable, that it just doesn't seem right to force it for longer. Help!

Yanbu. Bf is very emotional ime.

Similar experience here, it was too stressful with my first and we stopped at 9 months. I was sad about it, but the following week ds started sleeping through. So I had my silver lining

Honestly, if it's affecting your mood, stop. You've done amazingly well in bf and working

You are AMAZING! The goodness you’ve put in him can’t be bought and you’ve done a wonderful job. Please please give yourself a huge pat on the back.

I honestly remember that feeling when stopping br my boys. I’m feeding my last child now and I know it’ll happen again. Hugs.

I was really lucky as my bf experience was all positive and ended at 16 months so can only shed a bit of light for you...

You have managed to bf through all those difficult times so you deserve a medal! You need to realise how much you've done for your baby and be proud of yourself.

I don't think many of us get the end to bf we want, dd one eve at usual bf time cried hysterically at the boob (she'd NEVER refused before) and guzzled a bottle of growing up formula (she'd never been too bothered before about a bottle but I'd been trying to get her off the boob from about 14 months). That was the end of the bedtime feed that just left morning feed which ended unplanned and similar. So I didn't get to enjoy a 'last feed' but I bf my baby and feel good for doing that.

If your diet is changing, chances are your milk isn't as sweet! That could also contribute.

Seriously, take his lead. He's not pushing YOU away, he's saying no thanks to the milk that's not so tasty and that takes ages to arrive! You've done a marvellous job lasting so long and there are marvellous mums out there who have never bf.

Well done you xx

Your replies have made me cry, thank you for the kind words. I was pretty sure I was being silly but maybe time to cut a little slack!

I think you have put far too much emphasis on bf to be honest. You were in a dark place for 6 weeks and cried on every feed! Its not supposed to be like that. Just enjoy your lovely healthy baby, let him bottle feed, its not so terrible . Theres going to be much more important things for you to worry about in his life than breastfeeding. Honestly, don't be so hard on yourself. Having a baby should be lovely, not causing you all this angst.

@TabbyMumz I think you're right. Although I don't think my issues in the first 6 weeks were (all) down to breastfeeding as I was crying my way through bottle feeds as well... and pretty much everything else. I'm now really enjoying him, but I was woefully unprepared for the physical and emotional toll having a baby would have. I think that's knocked my confidence quite a bit

I gave up after 4 days because I was utterly miserable, stressed and exhausted with the whole shitshow that was breastfeeding. 7 months is a brilliant effort. My son and I just could not get on with it and I wasn’t prepared to tolerate a baby that was crying much of the time because he wasn’t getting enough milk. Tongue-tied as well of course (as it seems about 99 per cent to babies are nowadays).

The NHS bangs on and on about “breast is best” and then fails to put enough effort and funding into the support needed to help struggling breastfeeders. I wasn’t about to be dictated to my midwives and health visitors when they weren’t able to support me enough to make it happen.

Formula fed basically from the beginning and haven’t looked back.

You’ve done amazingly well, but I agree with PPs that your first few months with your new baby should not be a misery fest because of BF.

I think it's hard however it ends. I stopped after 3 weeks because like you the latch took a bit of time and she ended up just refusing to try (she was small and we were combination feeding). It was actually better for us in the long run as if you have to go back to work early (which I did) then trying to get a firmly pro-BF baby onto bottles can be very hard. But I was gutted because I loved BF when it worked, and seeing her little milk-drunk face when she came off

Once the hormones die down you probably will feel slightly liberated - I did, even though I missed it. Suddenly other people can take proper turns at feeding, for a start!

Congratulations for going so long OP, you have done so well. I struggled badly to establish breastfeeding with DC1 and as a result wanted to go as long as possible. It's come full circle now, I am starting to wean DC2 as I have had it with feeding and just want to stop doing it. It's a very emotional/hormonal thing and it's completely understandable you feel that way. Try to focus on the amazing thing you have done for him, and enjoy having your body back.

Rather than looking at it as you might be stopping at 10 months I think you should flip it and say 'wow, I breastfed for 10 months!'

10 months or 10 minutes, breastfeeding is bloody hard and I say this as someone who fed my son for 18 months and a trained peer supporter. I'm now feeding my daughter and I'm on mastitis number 6 in 16 weeks. I'm so over the mastitis but I'm not ready to stop so I do understand why you feel so sad.

Celebrate how well you've done, you are amazing.

If you did want to carry on then it's possible your baby might just be going through a strike or a phase, so it may not necessarily be the end. My son refused one side from 6 months so I fed one sided for a year. He just flat out refused that side, I don't know why.

But either way you have done amazingly well, be proud

You are not being reasonable . We had a very rocky start with breastfeeding it always hurt ... had so much help nhs and private ( cost a fortune ) but still hurt and my nipples are still scarred. Had tongue tie done privately but no improvement pain wise . After a few months it was a little better .. but baby wanted to feed 24/7 never seemed content and was very large and would want to be on boob 30 minutes then back on 30 minutes later. We started combi feeding at 5 months and sadly he is just on formula now at 7 months . For the last few weeks he would just turn his head away and refuse to feed. He refused for a week and then randomly went on 12th September 2 o'clock , that was our last feed and I have tears in my eyes writing this.

Sorry that should say you are not being unreasonable

Wow your amazing, you continued through pain, and hurt and your baby is yell at you, if you listen that you aced it, and that it is time to move forward into food and the exciting adventure ahead.

Also wanted to say I had underestimated the emotional side of
Labour too and physical . I still feel battered 7 months on my back is in bits , I easily cry now and didn't use to. I wake up in the night worrying . I always seem to be on high alert . Not to mention dreading going back to work and not trusting anyone bar his dad to look after him. It's hard work being a mum.

You don’t need to feel badly. You’ve done fantastic
Baby’s needs are changing and that’s ok
I managed two weeks bf with my first and I always refused to feel badly about that
After all fed is best

I remember seeing a lady in the bed oppersite crying, it hurt her so much, the baby was very long, screaming with hunger and the nurse was forcing her to feed him.
I told her you are his mum not the nurse, demand a bottle, feed him, calm him down and see if it helps if not just say no.
Years later I saw her in a shop and said hello, seems he was bottle feed but she had two more afterwards and could and did breastfeed .
She said I gave her strength to voice her own wishes, and she had always been grateful.

If you really don’t want to stop, seek some advice about how to carry on. Your local LLL group will be helpful, or the national helpline. There are things you can do try to speed up let down, and to help your baby be calm on the breast.

But it’s up to you - if it feels like now is actually a good time for you to stop, then do (but do remember to cut down gradually, you don’t want mastitis).

The NHS bangs on and on about “breast is best” and then fails to put enough effort and funding into the support needed to help struggling breastfeeders

It's cheaper & easier to just make mothers feel like shit for not trying hard enough I bf eventually successfully but I still feel immense anger when I walk past the antenatal classes midwives/HV room at the GP surgery... It in no way prepared me for the reality, none of the advice was useful at 2am sobbing with a baby who was starving, it was all just "breast is best " propoganda without any practical help.
I feel like ripping down the NHS posters in the waiting area every time I walk past, so far have managed to resist.

Thank you all for your lovely replies.

@Piglet89 sorry to hear that you also had a tough time of it. The pressure to BF is unbelievable and I totally agree that the support needs to be so much better. I hope that if I have more DC I will able to step back a bit more and realise it's not the be all and end all

@User12879923378 thank you - some perspective is helpful. I'm back at work too and with DS on a bit of a feeding strike, I've been pumping. Which is a whole new level of depressing!!

@Bear2014 the hormones are definitely the worst after a full day without a proper feed. DH tries to be nice and supportive and "fix" it but he just gets snapped at which makes me feel even worse!

@bubs80 we sound very similar! I was dreading going back to work, but it's been far more manageable than I had feared. I've only left him with his dad so far though, and he's back to uni next week so anxiety is rising about that!

ironical call sign my thoughts exactly! Nobody educates new mothers to be about the potential difficulties either. The NCT class we had on BF made it all seem as though it would basically be straightforward. None of my peers who had children before me warned me either. It’s a conspiracy of silence.

You’ve done a brilliant job in tough circumstances and you should be so proud of yourself.

I don’t think it ever ends as you hope it would. Mine were total boob monsters but after 24 hours it was like it had never existed. They couldn’t care less!

Please be happy with yourself. You’ve done a great thing.

Another vote here for LA Leche League. They were the practical, evidence based troubleshooters that helped during 1-2-1 support, for free. The NHS support wasn't at the right time, personal, and just about guilt tripping,not helping, my HV is useless, just done some course on bf but doesn't have the "on the ground" troubleshooting knowledge to be any use!

LLL should be where women are pointed to.. my HV had never heard of it! Wtf!

@mummy2017 that's a lovely thing to have done for her - I left hospital still not really knowing how to feed properly despite having done all the classes. The MW "observed" a feed before I left, and I was clearly in agony. She just ticked the box and went on her way.

@chocolatebread I may try to speak to someone before calling it a day completely. It just feels awful watching DS struggle for milk at every feed.

@ironicalcallsign I have really similar feelings. I vividly remember posters in our hospital saying breastfeeding shouldn't hurt if done correctly. Whilst I'm sure that's the case after the first few weeks or month, I dont know anyone who found it pain free with their first baby from the outset. I just wish mothers were treated slightly more like capable adults and told the truth... "it's probably going to be really painful initially, but if you keep working at it and make sure the latch is right, you may have a lovely experience. But if you don't want to or can't, don't beat yourself up, just focus on recovering and trying to enjoy your baby whilst surviving with zero sleep". But then that wouldn't make a great poster!

@piglet89 in our NCT class we were shown a video of a brand new baby wriggling his way up and latching on to his glowing mother's breast. No mention of bleeding, cracked nipples. Nothing about mastitis, thrush, toe curling pain. A passing mention of tongue tie. So misleading

babybrain thanks. I cannot emphasise how well you have done though. I didn’t have a fraction of the challenges you faced and I gave up much much sooner. I salute you.

I said to the lady who came to deal with my son’s tongue tie that there is a market for a book that deals with BF by including testimonials and experiences and stories of real women’s experience of BF, and she agreed with me. I am going to email her my experience when I get a chance with the little one!