AIBU over DHs increasingly unhealthy lifestyle

[Namey32]

I am prepared to be told that IABU but would like some opinions as ultimately I'd like DH to live a long and healthy life with me, the DC and hopefully the DGC in time. However I accept that ultimately it's not up to me to 1. Parent my husband 2. Pester him to be more healthily, also he is not an unhealthy weight/shape and I may also be being swayed by MIL and SILs extremely healthy lifestyle - think clean eating, running etc.

DH has been smoking since we met, although has been 'giving up' at various points. He had some success for 2 weeks over Christmas once. He's tried all sorts of vapes etc but doesn't have much self control. He was asked by the midwife to give up when I was pregnant with DC1 but nothing happened there. I don't have high hopes for this time either (I'm pregnant with DC2).
To be fair to him, he doesn't smoke in the house or around me or DC and will go in the garden or along the road or smokes outside work. I can smell on him though, but I suppose that's neither here nor there.

His eating habits are getting worse. He's not a fan of 'healthy' food and left to his own devices would always opt for the junk food. He doesn't eat fruit and only eats veg in/with whatever I serve for dinner. He doesn't eat breakfast but for example will have a packet of biscuits mid morning. If I don't make him a packed lunch for work, he will go to the shop and buy a packet of sausage rolls (and something else - chocolate/sweets/biscuits etc) which is then lunch. He works shifts so often isn't home for tea. Sometimes I do cook properly and leave his in the fridge and he may well eat it, but then other times (at least once a week) will have a takeaway with the people at work.

My other concern is his energy drink intake - I'm very sure there are several being consumed per day. He tells me he only has one, but his car is full of empty cans - definitely more than 7 per day. Ultimately they're just caffeine and sweetener surely? His nod to 'healthy' is the 0 sugar ones.

He also does no exercise. All he does really is whatever walking we do at the weekend - that sometime is a long country walk but can just be pushing the pram to the park and around town.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting him to live on greenery and water. We do enjoy a chippy tea together at the weekend and we'll have a drink and some cake or chocolate or something in front of the TV at the weekend when DC is in bed but for DH it seems beyond a 'treat'.

I do try to keep him on the better choices e.g. at the weekend when we're both around I'll ask him what cereal he wants while I'm doing mine and DCs so all he needs to do is eat it, but AIBU in if I don't want to cook that night and me and DC have beans on toast for example, expecting him to have something other than a pack of doughnuts for tea? (He does not consider something on toast to be adequate dinner for him - but a pack of cookies or similar is fine).
AIBU in wanting DH to be a bit healthier without me having to patent him In the way I do with our toddler? Should I just leave him to it and accept that he's not going to be in a physical condition to travel the world in retirement as we had planned?? (We're early 30s now).

No advice for you but I do have sympathy. My DH is a smoker and I now think it's revolting and I hate it. He was a smoker when we got together but I was young and foolish and didn't pay attention to how disgusting it was. I had a non smoking flat so he had to go outside to smoke and for some reason the smell of it on him didn't make me feel sick like it does now.

My DH 'gave up' (ha!) at some point in his late 30s / early 40s - but he just replaced smoking with very very heavy vaping - which he still doesn't get is bad to do in front of the kids no matter how many times I nag him. In addition to vaping he was smoking one roll up at night before bed. Then on holiday last year he started smoking again in the daytime and since then he definitely has more than 1 a day, but not as many as when he was a full smoker.

Sorry this is probably not helpful at all! But I do sympathise! If I could go back in time I would probably not have mated with a smoker (though I do love him a lot).

Does he cook? Or are you a domestic servant?

@Namey32 You do have to set an example. At the moment you have only one child still in a pram so they must be young. You have plenty of time to cook a healthy meal, which could be a large batch which you freeze for your DH to heat up.

It made me laugh when I read your final comment about not being fit to travel in retirement. FFS!

Your worry should be is he going to be around to see your DCs through their GCSEs, uni and maybe when they have their own kids, rather than fighting cancer with chemo and a terrible quality of life for years and years, or suffering from heart disease so bad he can't climb a flight of stairs.

Planning to travel in retirement should be way down the list! Your focus needs to be whether he will be alive at all.

If you have 'done your knee in' why don't you get it fixed. At 30-odd you are far too young to give up on exercising. You could do swimming which is non-weight bearing.

Why are you out the house 6 to 6? Are you working full time?

Maybe find some 'quick meals' that he could take and eat while he's at work? I do shift work and it's an absolute bugger. When you're on earlies you have to eat when you're not really hungry to have the energy to get through the shift, and when you're on lates you're having dinner at stupid o clock and you want something very very quick because you're starving and have no time to eat in.

Maybe changing his job would be better? Could he? More regular hours might prompt him into more regular eating habits. I sympathise with his desire to eat biscuits and chocolate on shift, just for the energy and not having to sit down and 'eat', although my shift pattern allows me to run before I go to work (so I don't feel so guilty about the biscuits...).

I haven't given up on exercising, I'm trying to heal my knee with non surgical intervention at present. It's in hand.

Yes I work full time.

I agree it’s all extremely unhealthy. However there is absolutely nothing you can do about it that would have any effect at all.

If you’d wanted a DH likely to live a long life, the time to make that decision was back in your 20s.

This is who he is, the only thing you can do is stop worrying about.

Lots of people have unhealthy habits when they are young...DH and I met as students so you can imagine what our diets were like.
The problem is when one person 'grows up' diet wise quicker than the other.

I'm blunt and periodically remind DH that his dad has diabetes.

DH seems to be starting on the 'healthy' bandwagon which is good, he keeps having yoghurt for breakfast, has started walking places, and is making noises about C25k

@Zaphodsotherhead he is looking for other jobs in his area, it's still going to be shift work because of the nature of the work, but we are hoping to get rid of nights 🤞

I would try and target just one thing at a time. What is worst for his health? The smoking I should think followed by the energy drinks. I would tell him you have worries about his health (around the smoking and drinks) and the cost must also be huge. Think what that money could do for your family.

Your H may have to have a few attempts at giving up smoking and ultimately he has to want to do it. My H had 3 goes over a few years. What worked for him was the nicorette thing that had a plastic end like a cigarette, he obviously had an attachment issue (the patches and tapering didn't work). Would he go to the GP and take advice on quitting the smoking from them (and also mention the energy drinks)? I think he'll need to taper the drinks, coming off caffeine cold turkey can be a bit brutal.

As to the food, I'd leave off that for now but you could slip more veg and less carb onto his plate when he eats with you. If it makes you feel better.

Good luck

OP is not his mother. You can’t stand over another adult and try and make them give up things they don’t want to. It simply doesn’t work.

Sounds like he’s always been the same but now you’ve decided you don’t like it. You can’t change him. Sounds bloody awful though. Energy drinks, fat and nicotine. Yuck.

I'd get on with keeping yourself and your kids healthy and fit and be a good role model to your kids by exercising etc. Personally i'd leave him to his own devices. Hopefully he'll come round one day, if not, it's his loss.

You cannot do this for him, he has to want to do it. Has he had a GP check up to check blood pressure, cholesterol and for type 2 diabetes? He might need to hear it from someone else, it was a trip to the GP that prompted my DH to change things.

Also you should make sure that you have insurance (life, critical illness, income protection) so if you DH does get ill you are not left in the shit financially. It will cost more if he is a smoker but if he wants to continue this lifestyle he has to make sure that you and the DC due not suffer because of his choices.

He'll end up like my DH at 50- T2 diabetes, DVDs, pulmonary embolism, glaucoma and still in denial.
Apart from the smoking and DH having a totally sedentary job (sat in a car all day, only exercise was walking from house to car to house) his consumption of crap food and energy drinks on top of healthy meals I cooked nearly killed him - and still he refused to listen to his GP and hospital consults!
Stubborn and stupid.

It's not brilliant but it sounds like he's always been this way, and you've just decided you don't like it anymore.

That's not a criticism by the way - I've seen it happen a lot. People eat junk as youngsters/students and then one partner grows out of it, and the other doesn't. What was never a problem before, is something that becomes a problem and it's difficult to manage as you can't control what someone else does.

I think the thirties are a real decade of change for lots of people - they have children, become aware of their own lifestyles/mortality and often change almost overnight as a result, so don't give up hope just yet!

However saying that, it doesn't seem like your lifestyle is especially healthy either. You don't like him eating takeaways or biscuits but you've said yourself you do the same thing - except it's wine and cake instead. Maybe you both need to take a look at the way your lifestyle is heading?

A family friend (early 30s) has just had most of his bowel removed and he now has a colostomy bag.... due to the fact he drank around 5 to 6 cans of Red Bull a day, ate no fruit and veg ever and was enabled by his Mum (still lives at home) to exist on crap.

His first day he was able to eat after surgery, she took him a McD's into the hospital. I was speechless.

It will catch up with your DH, OP but really it's him that needs to change. You can lead a horse to water and all that.......... but I completely get your concern. Those energy drinks are toxic, I cannot fathom how anyone would even think they need that amount of sugar and caffeine.

He'll die young no doubt about it if he carries on like this. My Dad was dead at 57, he was a smoker, beer drinker and his diet wasn't the best but a hell of a lot better than your husbands.
Its upto him ultimately all you can do is encourage him. I would also be planning for how you are going to manage financially should he just drop dead.

I would say that you aren't best qualified to determine what a healthy lifestyle or diet is if you think cereal is an acceptable breakfast for anyone, child or adult.

In your shoes, I would make his meals. Oatmeal or scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast with a coffee, a sandwich or leftovers for lunch with a side salad of mixed vegetables and finger fruits, such as grapes, berries, melons you can slice, or apples.

I almost never prepare a dinner that takes more than 30 minutes from preparation to table. Today I pounded chicken breasts to flatten them, then barbecued them. I shredded the chicken and rolled them in tortillas with beans, jalapeños, and cheddar. Added a canned enchilada sauce and cheddar on top, then baked until the cheese melted. Quick and easy. It takes some planning but you can do this. Another dish I prepare for my only son still at home is rice, chicken breast and salad. I double the chicken and rice, then make chicken fried rice with peas and fresh mushrooms the next day. Or I make a vegetable stir fry, or Thai vegetables in curry sauce. I bought a rice cooker which saves a lot of time.

I made our other son’s lunch daily until he moved out so that he would eat healthy foods. His favourite lunch was a salad of quinoa, cucumber, grape tomatoes, red pepper, feta cheese and scallions. I’d prepare and he’d add olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

None of the above take more than 20 minutes to prep and cook. If you double, you’ve also taken care of lunch.

Energy drinks are incredibly unhealthy. I’d assume your husband needs them because his food is not nutrient dense.

I know it’s unfair to put the burden of meal prep on you, particularly when you’re running after a baby. However perhaps once your husband is eating nutritiously, he will notice his change in energy and adopt a healthier diet.

Good luck!

@adaline, my lifestyle isn't anywhere near as bad, my unhealthy is 1 glass of wine at the weekend, maybe 2 at a push, with one cookie from his pack 🤷 not a pack of doughnuts or s pack of biscuits daily. 🤷 Now that I'm pregnant again, that's stopped and is now decaf tea and fruit and will be that way for the duration of pregnancy and 18 months of BF like with my first. I'd stop that in a heartbeat if it would encourage DH to do similar!

I've been a nurse and a podiatrist for almost 30 years now and I can say quite categorically that smoking is the killer.
I would concentrate on this if nothing else.
It makes your teeth fall out prematurely
Ages you
Vascular dementia
Peripheral vascular disease which is a very nasty and agonising way to die.
COPD smokers lung, another very nasty way to die suffocating slowly to death.
Not to mention the stink and the expense.
i could go on with the smoking horror stories, I smoked before I became a nurse and soon stopped when I saw what the results of long term smoking are.

I’m not sure exactly but I would talk to him, and sit down and work through the financial plan if he’s dead or disabled at 50. I couldn’t bring myself to insist on feeding him like I had another toddler.

I'm a bit of a brutal person in this scenario
My other half smokes
I don't have the best eating habits (fruit fine, veg, sauce.. some textures.. no thank you).
I get you want to see him grow old with you, but quite frankly noone knows what will happen tomorrow so if someone asked me to change my diet I would laugh at them. Life is already too short. Why then make it full of things you don't enjoy. (Unless he does get into fitness or.. is extremely obese now etc).

The only thing I find OTT is the energy drinks. They are not good in that amount.

@wheelywheelynice what's wrong with Weetabix for a toddler and museli for me?