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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do ?!?

33 replies

Lol246 · 23/09/2019 18:11

I've been with my partner for 8 years and love him dearly, when I met him he had a house in his hometown which was just over an hour from my hometown so I moved in with him and we had the best time ! Then I fell pregnant and I knew instantly I wanted to go home as I would need the help and I'm so close to my family , now two years down the line and after very very rough patch in our relationship my partner has given me an ultimatum that if I dont move back to his hometown with him that the relationship is over. Just typing this breaks my heart my parents have helped us so much with my daughter and it would break their hearts if we moved away again, also I have no support network in his hometown as he isnt close to his family. What do I do !?

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 23/09/2019 18:17

Why the ultimatum? I wouldn’t be thrilled about the prospect of moving to be with someone who issued me with a didactic choice rather than discussing solutions or a compromise. I’m half tempted to say he’s shown you who he is and to stay where you are! However if you think it can work then why not somewhere halfway between, so you’re not too far from either hometown and your support network?

Shockers · 23/09/2019 18:21

Does he feel your closeness to your family is affecting your relationship with him?

Original poster
Lol246 · 23/09/2019 18:25

I have no idea for the ulimatiam, we have a beautiful home and people around us that love us. He also has told me that he doesnt want anything to do with my parents despite them being like a mum and dad to him ! I've tried to talk and compromise but he said I move with him or it's over and that's it so I feel like I've backed into a corner, I feel I have no one to talk to about it as I know my family would be heartbroken if they knew what he has said about moving and not wanting anything to do with them.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 23/09/2019 18:27

If he's ready to dump you over this that doesn't reflect well on how much he values you and the relationship. It seems his own preference and convenience is what he's after and if you're not conveniently located for him then he can't be arsed with you. I wouldn't move for him, and I'd be looking very hard at the relationship in terms of what each of you is giving and getting from it.

Original poster
Lol246 · 23/09/2019 18:42

I feel like deep down he doesnt like the fact were close but it's not like we live I'm each other's pockets, he hasnt said it but I feel like bothers him.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/09/2019 18:44

He also has told me that he doesnt want anything to do with my parents despite them being like a mum and dad to him ! I've tried to talk and compromise but he said I move with him or it's over

It's over, then.

What's the advantage to him of being in his house? It's not like he talks to his family.

hiddenworlds · 23/09/2019 18:48

Do you live with your parents?

ColaFreezePop · 23/09/2019 18:48

It's over then.

You don't move your children away from extended family and close family friends without a damn good reason if they are helping.

On another note does he always talk in absolutes?

ALoadOfTwaddle · 23/09/2019 18:50

Stay put, OP.

TheMustressMhor · 23/09/2019 18:51

Tell him if he doesn't move to be with you then it's over.

I wonder what he would say. People don't break up over things like this. He sounds nasty and controlling.
Do not move. You will regret it if you do.

nearlynermal · 23/09/2019 18:51

OP, you say you've been through a rough patch. If you'd been very loved up and thriving as a couple, would you feel different about moving?

Windydaysuponus · 23/09/2019 18:52

Sounds like he has truly spat his dummy out....
Stay where you are and let him move. Make sure he does the travelling to see his dc..

Original poster
Lol246 · 23/09/2019 18:53

He does talk to them but he isnt close to them at all. It will be closer to his work but that's the only positive to moving back.

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 23/09/2019 18:55

Let him move back to his hometown, separate for a while and see how you feel. An hour away isn't any great distance, he'll still be able to see his daughter. Don't leave your family and friends and support network on his say so.

Original poster
Lol246 · 23/09/2019 19:08

Thanks everyone, this has helped, I thought I was being selfish. I do love him so much and we had separated and he moved back and stayed with his parents and he hated it which I knew he would but this is when he came back with this ultimatum about moving with him and wanting nothing to do with my family. I did miss him being away but I just dont think i could take my little girl away from my family especially when i have so much help ! I wouldnt be able to work without there help, so that means I'd be fully dependent on my partner if we moved there which I dont like the idea off, I like to have some independence!

OP posts:
BoudicasBoudoir · 23/09/2019 19:14

His hometown is an hour away! If it was in a different country I could see his side. Stay where your support is.

Notmoresugar · 23/09/2019 19:18

God he sounds awful.
He's not close to his family, yet yours embrace him and he doesn't want to know!!
As it stands you and your daughter (and him) are in a close warm loving family.
What more could he (should he) want for you all, particularly his daughter.
Is he usually this ignorant and selfish?

nearlynermal · 23/09/2019 19:24

Sounds like your instincts are right on this one, OP.

avocadoincident · 23/09/2019 19:24

He also has told me that he doesnt want anything to do with my parents despite them being like a mum and dad to him !

What does he think of your friends? He sounds like he might be starting to isolate you from your support network.
Let him move home and stay where you are to see how that works out. Tell him you'll reassess after 6 months.

user1480880826 · 23/09/2019 19:24

It sounds like there’s more to this story that either your not telling us or he’s not telling you. Why does he suddenly want nothing to do with your parents? Why does he suddenly want to move home? An hour really isn’t a long way for him given that he isn’t close with his own family. However an hour would be a long way for you to be from your parents/childcare and your support network.

It sounds like the relationship is over.

SlackerMum1 · 23/09/2019 19:24

Have you actually asked why? I mean on the surface of it he’s sounds like the unreasonable one. But how would he tell the story? You say close and supportive family, he might say nightmarish overbearing MIL who tries to dictate everything.

Gertie75 · 23/09/2019 19:26

It almost sounds like he wants the relationship to end but doesn't have the balls to do it and accept responsibility so he's putting you in a no win situation so you can shoulder all the blame.

If you move you'll be bloody unhappy and probably split up anyway, personally I'd lose all respect for someone who did that to me and it'd be a no brainer.

Do as others have suggested, stay put and tell him you can still have a relationship but living an hour apart or he can call it quits.
Put the ball in his court.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 23/09/2019 19:28

How far is it to his work? What's his daily commute like? It sounds like he has given it a go and something has happened.

Original poster
Lol246 · 23/09/2019 19:31

I have asked why, and he says that he moved her for me so I should do the same and it would be better for him to get to work if we lived there. If my mum and dad were over bearing I would understand a little more but that's not the case, they keep there distance but help me out so much with my little girl and I spend time with my mum when my partner is at work as my mum has reduced her hours at work to help us out, all this has completely caught me off guard hense why I've posted on here cause I'm confused and I feel like I cant talk to people without their opinion changing on my partner. I cant help but feel like without him actually saying it hes making me choose between him and my family!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lol246 · 23/09/2019 19:34

His commute is only 45 mins from both areas but if he moved home he can car share with other work members, which I understand would save a little bit of money but he has a great job good money and I work and my pay would easily cover the cost of travel and were very lucky to be comfortable money wise !

OP posts:
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