Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mom upset about not living close by

49 replies

lovely12345 · 23/09/2019 17:49

Hi,

I am looking for some opinions on this situation:

My mom and I have a really close relationship, and I am now getting married and planning to move out. She always wanted/thought it was right/best for the daughter to live close to her parents.

My fiance and I would also like this, also since it'd be closer to work, but the value-for-money in the area is low, and prices are high.

Prices are better in the suburbs, and so we're looking for a place 20 min away no traffic, but only accessible by highway. This would be halfway between parents and my brother, who also moved to the suburbs a 25/30min drive away no traffic. We could in principle get a nicer house for same money where my brother is, and they argue the commute is almost the same, but it's less accessible to public transport to get into city.

She's now pissed because it's too far and I might as well go near my brother then.

Who's unreasonable? I can't help but feel guilty.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 23/09/2019 17:57

Your mother could move to be closer if she thinks it is important. Plus, your not moving across the country.

Alarae · 23/09/2019 17:57

Tell her to put her money where her mouth is.

FadedRed · 23/09/2019 17:59

She should be happy you’re not emigrating to another continent.

DelurkingAJ · 23/09/2019 17:59

What does she say to the maths? My DM is utterly wonderful and never makes demands on how we live our lives but she was utterly gobsmacked by the rent we paid as new graduates for a basic 1 bed flat...because she had last rented in 1973!

messolini9 · 23/09/2019 18:00

Hold on - she's pissed because 20 MINUTES away is too far?

She's being ridiculous.
Also - who put her in charge of your adult home-buying decisions?
It sounds intrusive & unhealthy to me.

Move to wherever makes you & fiance happy.

Bellsofstclements · 23/09/2019 18:00

20 minutes is not far away. I'd take my chance and run for the hills OP.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 23/09/2019 18:03

OH goodness OP think as you are getting married one of you either you or your mum must cut the apron strings a bit.Have a chat woman to woman and air your views.Ultimately though you are grown and making a new life for yourself with your husband,That should be the main focus on doing what is right for both of you,Your mum is loosing nothing so I don;t get why she is being awkward,

BarbedBloom · 23/09/2019 18:06

She is being ridiculous over 20 minutes. She needs to accept your priorities will change now to your own little family. I would also make sure she isn't popping in all the time as well, start setting out boundaries. You haven't said whether any of this applies, but since she is so upset over this I imagine some of this may apply

Owwlie · 23/09/2019 18:08

She is being so so unreasonable OP. I’d move further away.

Whenever my mom pulls one of these guilt trips on me and behaves unreasonably (she sulks worse than my toddler!) I always think ‘would I treat my daughter that way’. The answers always no.

And why is it okay for your brother to move but not you? It’s unfair on you to have these expectations just because you’re her daughter. Parents should want whats best for their child, not for themselves.

Iloveacurry · 23/09/2019 18:08

Seriously? 20 minutes isn’t that far.

Nightmanagerfan · 23/09/2019 18:09

I felt utterly suffocated even reading this! I live four hours from my family and they have never batted an eyelid. We live an hour from DH’s and to be honest that’s a bit close for me.

It’s your life - do what’s best for your family. 20 minutes is so close! Your mum needs to allow you to start your own life and if you make this decision it will help her see that you’re an adult now.

NearlyGranny · 23/09/2019 18:10

YANBU. When you marry, or when you get a job, for that matter, you have a wider world to choose from than the village you grew up in!

This is how it is meant to be, or nobody would ever go anywhere. 20 minutes is nothing.

HugoSpritz · 23/09/2019 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 23/09/2019 18:13

She's being fucking ridiculous.

I've moved 6 hours drive away to the opposite end of the UK and my sister lives in New Zealand! I'm sure my parents miss us and would prefer we were closer but all they have ever done is be pleased for us and support our wishes. As is the only appropriate response.

Seriously, her opinion shouldn't get a look in when deciding where the right place for you and your husband to live is. And if she continues to stick her beak in like this I'd be tempted to leave papers about emigrating to NZ lying around....

AutumnRose1 · 23/09/2019 18:18

"She always wanted/thought it was right/best for the daughter to live close to her parents."

In which century? I live 2 hours from my mum and I'm not even married. I just found it more convenient to live here for work.

BackforGood · 23/09/2019 18:19

Your mother is being absolutely ridiculous.

I assumed this was going to be about living 4 or 5 hours away, or even in another country.

20 mins Hmm
She needs to get out more.

Can't believe you are even giving this mind space. You and your dh should buy where suits you - price , value for money, commute, amenities, etc. this is nothing to do with her.

bigvig · 23/09/2019 18:22

Why do you have to be accessible via public transport. Is this for your mum's benefit or yours. If you can't get a nicer house near your brother and you get on surely that's the best option for everyone. It'll also make it easier for your mum when visiting to have both children in the same area?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2019 18:23

Shame on your mother. She is being ludicrous and entirely selfish. As a mum of two young adults, I find it appalling how some parents are so demanding and unreasonable with their adult children. We should all be happy that our children have grown to be independent, self-supporting adults, and we should support their decisions on where they live and work. Ignore your mother. She had her chance to live her life on her own terms, now it's your time.

peardrops1 · 23/09/2019 18:25

20 minutes away is causing this much angst? Jeez, this relationship does not sound entirely healthy. OP, a tiny bit of geographical separation might be quite refreshing.

Thehop · 23/09/2019 18:36

She’s barmy, anything up to an hour isn’t far at all, and you can’t spend more money or have a house you don’t like just to please her!

OzzyFinch · 23/09/2019 18:41

20 minutes away. I shudder at the thought of being that close. We live in a different country and it's bliss.

pikapikachu · 23/09/2019 18:41

She is unreasonable. Would she consider moving near you or your brother?

OlgaPolga45 · 23/09/2019 18:44

She’s upset you’re moving 20 flipping minutes away?

Seriously? She needs to be told very firmly to get a grip.

SilverySurfer · 23/09/2019 18:49

She's being utterly pathetic. Tell her you've changed your mind and you and your DH have now decided to emigrate to Australia. That will really give her something to cry about. Don't allow her to make you feel guilty, 20 minutes is nothing.

pigsDOfly · 23/09/2019 18:54

Speaking as the mother of adult children, all in relationships, one living in another country. Your DM is being completely ridiculous.

Where and how you choose to live is for you and your future husband to decide. Frankly, she sounds suffocating and her attitude towards you sounds very unhealthy.

Twenty minutes away really isn't far enough away in my opinion. You need to get some space between you and your DM and cut the ties she wants to keep in place so she can hold on to you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread