Mom upset about not living close by

[lovely12345]

Hi,

I am looking for some opinions on this situation:

My mom and I have a really close relationship, and I am now getting married and planning to move out. She always wanted/thought it was right/best for the daughter to live close to her parents.

My fiance and I would also like this, also since it'd be closer to work, but the value-for-money in the area is low, and prices are high.

Prices are better in the suburbs, and so we're looking for a place 20 min away no traffic, but only accessible by highway. This would be halfway between parents and my brother, who also moved to the suburbs a 25/30min drive away no traffic. We could in principle get a nicer house for same money where my brother is, and they argue the commute is almost the same, but it's less accessible to public transport to get into city.

She's now pissed because it's too far and I might as well go near my brother then.

Who's unreasonable? I can't help but feel guilty.

Your mum needs to get a grip. 20 minutes isn't far. I hate parents who attempt to guilt their offspring out of independence.

With that attitude maybe 20 mins isn't far enough...

Your poor fiancé. If this was his mother making such a bizarre fuss you’d be told by everyone on here to run for the hills.

Move near your brother. Your mum can fix the problem but moving near you both.

You and your DH should get a home that suits the people living in it, not extended family who want you to lower your standard of living to make their lives marginally easier.

Your mum needs to get used to the idea that you and your husband will make decisions together and she doesn't get a vote. You also need to get into that way of thinking.

settlers speaks sense.

You are obviously used to your mother making decisions and you needing to get her approval to do otherwise, or this wouldn't even be an issue.

If you are old enough to get married, you are an adult who makes their own life decisions, just because your mum wants you to live near her, doesn't mean her preference matters.

You and your DH make the decisions about how you live together, it is no longer your mother who decides.

I really would consider moving even further away, it might do you good to give her little influence in you and your DHs decision making processes.

20 minutes away is nothing! She’s really being unreasonable and selfish.
You could just as easily move the the other side of the planet and that’s completely your prerogative to live your life how you see fit.

Sure it’s unfortunate that her ridiculously restrictive and controlling expectations haven’t been met, but no one ‘owns’ their child, nor do they have the right to dictate what they do or where they live when they reach adulthood.
You are doing nothing wrong, a 20minute journey should not have a life changing effect on your relationship and you are entitled to make the best decision for yourself.

"She always wanted/thought it was right/best for the daughter to live close to her parents."

Also, what's that about? To get to keep controlling the daughter after childhood?

I am wondering if there is a cultural expectation here, OP - are your family from a background in which multi-generational households are considered the norm?

I’d be worried that living so close would translate into her popping in to your house at random times and/or expecting that you do chores for her.

You need to be less close to your mother. Anyone who thinks 20 minutes isn't close enough is planning to be way too involved in your marriage.

Omg your mum is crazy unreasonable and demanding. My parents didn’t even make a fuss when I moved to another continent!

I knew someone would ask about "culture". My parents could have pulled that shit but they didn't. Decent parents don't make these demands on adult DC. I don't give a flying flamingo what their culture is.

But that's the first time I've been able to use that expression 😂

Move far away!

She needs to get over herself, and find her own focus, not live vicariously through you.

I have 2 adult dc living and working in 2 separate continents which is an improvement because earlier this year had 4 living in 3.

OP, if you want to have a chance of a successful marriage I would think 20 minutes+ away from the sounds of your mother would be most helpful!

She sounds very controlling.

Your financè and yourself should be making the best decisions for your future.

Your mother needs to dial it down big time.

Move where you and your husband want to move to. Don't let anyone else pressure you into not doing what's best for you.

She needs to make a life for herself and find her own happiness, instead of expecting you to fill the void OP.
You are an adult and need to do what is best for you, you don’t owe her anything.
She sounds manipulative and controlling.

Er, she gave birth to you so she owns you? And makes all your decisions for the rest of your life?
Is she usually this controlling?
What does your Dp think about this? Will you ever be able to make your own choices?
Why is she so dependent on you?What about your life?

Sorry, but this seems so stifling and unhealthy. It will be harsh to hear, but don't feel guilty. Her expectations are not normal. Good luck

It's for us, we may work in the city, so it's an added commute option.

Your mum needs to get used to the idea that you and your husband will make decisions together and she doesn't get a vote. You also need to get into that way of thinking.

This ^

YANBU

I live in a different country to my parents and 5 counties away from my in-laws.

You have to do what is best for you and your DH. She's had her chances, but she could always move in with your DB if she wants to be near one of her DC.

OP, sorry to be thick, but I don't understand your update

Thanks Hugo. Doesn't seem to have any relevance to the AIBU though.