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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Large age gaps

49 replies

Blue101 · 23/09/2019 17:19

Not really AIBU, so hope it’s ok to ask on here. I’m after (positive mostly) feedback from those who have children with larger age gaps (5 plus years). A lot of friends talk about having had children within 2 years as they’ll be closer etc etc...so is it true?

OP posts:

Inadilemmahelp · 23/09/2019 17:30

This probably isn't exactly what you're asking for but there's a 12 year age gap between me and my little sister (currently 13) and we're as close as any sisters you'd ever meet! It was a bit weird when I was in high school and changing her nappies but I love having her around!

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2019 17:33

There's 7.5 years between my eldest DS and middle DS and 10.5 years between eldest and youngest DS.

They all get on really well and we found parenting nice and easy, with them being at such different stages.

NameChangeTodayAgain · 23/09/2019 17:35

Apparantly large age gaos mean the siblings tend to get on and the older one is not so jealous of the new arrival. My DH and his sister have a 7 yr age gap. They've always got on. Seems fine to me

user87382294757 · 23/09/2019 17:36

I have 4 years apart which worked out well when tiny as one was in preschool when I had a baby. But it means lots of years at the primary school gates!

I know people with only 2 years apart who are struggling with the early years and sibling rivalry, and having a toddler and baby together. But I'm not sure how much this is to do with the personalities as well.

danadas · 23/09/2019 17:38

My eldest are now 17 and 15. They fight like cat and dog and can barely be in the same room. My third child is now 7 and doted on by the older two. I am still debating a 4th, if fortunate enough, there will be an 8+ age gap again. I wouldn't want the small age gap again!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/09/2019 17:41

I have an 11month old baby and an almost 6 year old. They adore each other, it's lovely to see.

3timeslucky · 23/09/2019 17:43

Close in age is not a guarantee of actual closeness. Reference myself and my sister who are 2 years apart.

There are 5 years between my eldest and his brother and they are close, get on, enjoy and seek out each other's company (they're 19 and 14). There's a further 3 years between ds2 and dd and while they currently argue a lot (14 and 11) they have always had a bucket load of affection and kindness between them (and on good days that still shines through). Ds1 is slightly paternalistic when it comes to his little sister but I think it will be interesting to see how they get on when she is also a teen.

I am a big fan of bigger age gaps. It kept me sane and has allowed them time and space to develop their own relationships with each other, and us.

Gotakeahike · 23/09/2019 17:43

My 2 have a 7 year age gap. There are some challenges of parenting children of such different ages (different interests, abilities, etc), but I’m able to give them individual attention in a way I think I would find challenging if they were very close in age. I’m not overwhelmed by the chaos of 2 in diapers, dealing with 2 toddlers at the same time, etc. that I often see with friends that have 2 close in age. I feel like I’m able to be a better parent with the time and perspective of the older child. The two adore each other (although they do have their moments of bickering of course). I know a couple of other families with kids the exact same ages as my two and we all agree that the 7 year age gap is the best kept parenting secret.

BertieBotts · 23/09/2019 17:45

I have a ten year gap, it seems to work fine. What do you want to know? :o

SleepyFlump · 23/09/2019 18:02

There's 10 years between my two and I wouldn't have it any other way. They adore each other. Parenting each in turn has been easy. I've got a great relationship with each because we have plenty of 1:1 time. There's always been other people around, friends, cousins, neighbours, me etc. so they weren't lonely as young children with nobody to play with.
I've always been pleased I haven't had children squabbling, activities at different times and in different places, etc.

easyandy101 · 23/09/2019 18:06

There's an 18 year age gap between me and my eldest sister and a 6 year age gap between me and the next youngest

Despite living in the other side of the world we are all very close

Original poster

Blue101 · 23/09/2019 20:52

Thanks for the replies everyone. I should have added the age gap question often comes to mind as I have pcos so fertility issues. Currently have a lovely 8 year old, but comments from friends about having children closer in age makes me 🤔 it’s probably also because even though I don’t like to admit it, maybe I am jealous of those who fall pregnant within a few months of wanting another child...

OP posts:

DA1115 · 23/09/2019 20:57

I was having this convo with someone today actually. There’s four years between mine, closer would have been nicer but it’s all good. DD was only tiny when DS started school and it was nice I got some 1:1 time with her I think. I don’t there is a right or a wrong.

There’s a 15/15 year age gap between me and my youngest sister. I believe that is too much. It probably works for other familes but for me I feel like I haven’t got much of a relationship with my mother. She always seemed to put my younger siblings first before me but of course that could happen with closer age gaps too.

There’s 20 years between my OH and his youngest sibling!!

Theworldisfullofgs · 23/09/2019 21:04

I have 4 1/2 years between mine. Mostly get on really well. They're chatting on the sofa right now. Dd17 texted ds13 a joke today - they're in different schools. Sometimes they get really annoyed with each other. Normal siblings really.
However, my older siblings are 15 plus years older than me and two of them feel generational really different.

TalentedMsRipley · 23/09/2019 21:07

19 years between my first and last...and its a good relationship!

24hourshomeedderandcarer · 23/09/2019 21:09

there is 6 years between mine,(9 and 15 now) but thats because i went through 4 years of fertility treatment(severe PCOS)to get no 2

im only 37 and we do want another child(if it happens but we are not "done"so to speak) so there will be 16 years+ and 10+ between kids if i do get pregnant in the next few years

ive never had arguing,fighting or bickering as the oldest waited so long for his brother when he did finally come he was so happy he dotes on him
as a family we are together 24/7 and i will say they have never argued once

ive a friend that had 6 kids in 6 and half years(7-14)and got pregnant a month after having a baby each time(2 weeks after birth with 2,not judging just saying)
i met them when youngest was 5 so cant say on the toddler years but she struggles major with all the arguing,bickering and the fighting to get attention as she a single mother so doing it all by herself

they home educate too, so the kids are together 24/7

BertieBotts · 23/09/2019 21:56

Our gap was a result of the combination of a new relationship and then infertility, so I understand what you mean about the frustration of not having the freedom to choose.

It's been much better than I was expecting. I thought DS1 would ignore DS2 or be annoyed by him, but he adores him, and plays with him all the time - I have to tell him to stop. He actually acts younger again because he has somebody to play with.

FortyFacedFuckers · 23/09/2019 21:58

I have a brother 17 years younger than me and I get on better with him than I do with my sister 2 years younger.

kelly14 · 23/09/2019 22:59

I have a 13 year gap between my daughter and son.
Daughter is 14 and son is 18 months and then I am due in 3 weeks. So have one huge gap and one small gap.
My daughter would have preferred to have a sibling to grow up with but hey unfortunately that’s not how life played out. She adores her little brother although does like to wind him up.
It’s just totally different dynamic to a close gap.
Me and my brother had 18 month gap, we used to go out weekends together and went travelling together etc, don’t get me wrong we argued like hell lol but we’re also very close.
I feel my daughters relationship with her brother and new baby will be more of a mothering one the older they get as she is going to be adult herself whereas the younger too will grow up playing together.

There is no right or wrong and you make it work. X

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 23/09/2019 23:05

I think the closeness or not of siblings is more a matter of each individual personality than age gap.

The only thing I can see as a downside to having a 5 plus year gap would be doing activities/holidays that would suit both.

Shinygreenelephant · 23/09/2019 23:11

Theres 10 years between my 2 and they couldn't be closer. Wouldn't change it for the world, and its been so easy and effortless in every way

NarwhalsNarwhals · 23/09/2019 23:15

There's 5 years between DS and DD, they get on great, mostly because DS is old enough not to get into bickering and DD looks up to DS.

My siblings are 10, 12, 14 and 15 years younger than me, mum tells people the best thing about that was having a live in babysitter but actually I really liked having an excuse as a young teen to do childish stuff, it saved a lot of the angst about things being babyish because if anyone said anything I could just claim its because I'm a good big sister.

Dandelion1993 · 23/09/2019 23:18

Our DDs are 5.5 years apart and it's fabulous.

The older one lives being able to get involved.

As she was at school, it meant her day to day routine wasn't really bothered by dd2s arrival which also helped.

There's also the fact that she can do a lot for herself. She doesn't need help showering, can eat dinner herself and is toilet trained. I don't know how people cope with two in nappies.

RainMinusBow · 23/09/2019 23:23

Just found out I'm pregnant-it will be fiancé's first but my third child. If all goes well there will be a gap of almost 13 years between my eldest and my youngest and a10 year gap between my current youngest and the baby. Bit scared tbh!!

Walnutwhipster · 23/09/2019 23:25

I have 3 DC. Between 1&2 there is almost 10 years and there's just over 2 years between 2&3. DS1 is now 23 and recently bought his own home. He gets on well with 2&3, they regularly stay over and adore their big brother. There was no sibling rivalry with the big gap but the two close together argue constantly and the rivalry drives me mad. People often assume the eldest DC is a half sibling because of the gap but he isn't.

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