To realise I'm utterly pathetic

[Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav]

I'm really sorry if this long and rambling.
Two years ago I had an operation that was urgent but not major. I've had a few issues with the area since so had been waiting for a hospital appointment.
My husband is currently away for 3 days at a funeral.
I suffer from acute anxiety disorder.
So to my patheticness (I know that's not a word)
My appointment was today, I'm not good in waiting rooms, it sets my anxiety off, hospitals even more so. I get there to find there's a half hour delay. I start getting the normal jitters but as the waiting room was busy I couldn't do my normal pacing around so I was getting worse. Anyway I eventually went in, was in and out in about 5mins which was great. I rang my mum to tell her about my app, she had a problem in work so couldn't talk. I rang my husband, there was no answer but I wasn't surprised so text my son who was picking his sisters up from school to walk down to meet me as I was going into the supermarket nearby to pick up a couple of bits. He text back saying he couldn't be bothered and wanted to go home. Husband called back asked how it went but had obviously had a few drinks which is fine as I wasn't expecting anything less but he was obviously distracted so I said I quick goodbye. He text to ask if I was OK, I said no I felt like I was about to cry. He called back and I started crying in the middle of the shop because I'd been left on my own to go to the hospital, my husband isn't here, my mum was too busy to talk to me and my kids couldn't be bothered walking 20mins to meet me.
So it turns out not only am I jittering wreck am apparently a jittering wreck that can't do normal everyday things without somebody with me 😕😢
Sorry that was so long

Hey there. I can’t really add much to help but wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I’ve developed severe anxiety and pretty much don’t go out on my own anymore, I feel like a nervous wreck most of the time.

Although for me it gets worse at night and I panic about the world and end of life in the dark hours. I always feel pathetic but it’s actually really common, I’m sure you probably passed lots of people today who were feeling the same but not obviously showing it.

How old are your kids? Mines are still young but as far as I’m aware teens don’t really want to bother with anyone, it won’t just be you!

Are you receiving medical help for your anxiety op?

Thank you 😊
It's bee going on for ten years since my 2nd child was born. I've been on medication for those 10years and have tried counselling and cbt but didn't work for me. Generally I'm OK, most people wouldn't know there's anything wrong with most days. I think it was just a culmination of emotions today but it really did just make me feel like the most pathetic childish person ever. I'm 35 my children are 14,10 & 9

schrodinger
I'm so sorry you are going through it. I was very similar when it first started but over time it has got better, I work, I go out... Its so hard but it can ease. Do you know what or if there are any particular triggers, are you getting help?
I'm always here if you'd like to pm me

Sometimes lots of little things build up into a big thing and it's OK to acknowledge that.
Today was an important day for you and everyone else is busy.
I've got anxiety too and some things do suddenly overwhelm you. It happens. But you carry on afterwards which isn't pathetic.

I totally understand this. Lifelong anxiety, I just plug into my phone and listen to relaxation YouTube videos. Dr Claire Weekes books are a good source of comfort and support. Anxiety is awful, I am always berating myself for not coping or being pathetic, trying to be kinder to myself as the only support I have is my husband.

I suffer from PTSD and Anxiety too it's awful and always fear the worse even when everything is actually ok. You were brave going into the hospital on your own, hospitals are my one big trigger.

Thank you so much for your messages, whilst I'm extremely sorry for all of you going through anxiety (if you haven't been through it, you can never understand how traumatising it is) it's so nice to know I'm not the only one, it really can leave you feeling lonely. Sending lots of to all you fellow sufferers

Just wanted to say well done for getting through your appointment. Even with the delay when you got there you didn't leave, you made it through. Be proud of yourself for that, well done OP!

You're right, unless you've been through it no-one can possibly understand. Anxiety grips you by the throat and doesn't let go. The simplest tasks seem impossible and the huge tasks are overwhelming. The only way I cope is knowing it will pass, for a while. I try not to fight it, just accept it with the hope it's only a minor blip for now.
You went to your appointment so well done and you are not pathetic, please don't say that x

Obviously YANBU to have anxiety, but I do think the onus is on you to try to manage situations without imposing upon your dc.

You know that your dh and Mum were unavailable and that a hospital appt was going to cause you to be anxious, so perhaps you needed to ask someone else to accompany you.
I really don't think it is fair to ask your dc to walk to meet you 'to pick a few bits up at a supermarket'.

@BackforGood Not Fair!!!  

As other posters have said, until you've been through it yourself you have no idea. God forbid we try to call on our little or no support network FFS!

Knowing you have a situation coming up is the worst thing because your mind is spinning days before.

@Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav it's bloody hard. I'm 15 years in and it's only in the last 6 months that I've turned a corner, but i know it's still there somewhere.

My only (possible) advice is to read Dare by Barry McDonagh. Whilst I've bought every book under the sun in terms of self help, for some reason, this one resonated. Keep at it, no matter how small the 'triumph', which could be as 'minor' to some such as buying one thing from the supermarket without running out mid aisle. YOU are not pathetic

Another anxiety sufferer here. I know how easy it is to beat yourself up as I often do it (including today!). The main thing is, you did it! And you did it whilst being scared, which makes you even braver. You’re probably exhausted now, but tomorrow when you’ve had a good rest I hope you feel proud of yourself.

backforgood
I don't impose on my children, I keep them away from as much as I can but am I awful for wanting a bit of company? I didn't let them know I was upset.
I really hope you never find yourself in a similar situation

@wouldyouadamandeveit Support network is exactly what I'm talking about. OP did well to go to the appointment and get through it, but it would have been less stressful for her with someone to support her. My point is, ask friends, wider family, other people you know for help in situations it is likely that will be stressful for you.

@wouldyouadamandeveit - here here!
This is why people hide and feel embarrassed to talk about it.
Walk a day in the shoes of someone with this illness and then comment

Well done for getting to your appointment, and I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed from your family. Lots of us struggle with anxiety.You need to build a few more coping strategies into your life. I will do a minute or two of mindfulness, or watch a short video of waves crashing onto the shore - it clears my mind and helps me carry on.

@BackforGood What if you don't have a support network? I certainly didn't. ExH was an arse and I had zero family/friends around me (given I'd just moved 120 miles away from home).

The stigma, whilst it shouldn't exist any more, still does. 'Why would 'anyone' find x,y or z an anxiety inducing situation.......?'

Mine was so bad I couldn't even walk and stand in my children's playground to pick them up - how 'crazy' is that? I had to dump my basket/trolley in supermarkets on so many occasions. I couldn't even sit in a doctors waiting room.

Not everyone has people they can call on, or even tell. It's just not as straightforward as it seems to those that have never suffered.

OP you got through today be proud of yourself for that.You are so not pathetic in any way.I have only suffered from anxiety briefly ..2 episodes in the past that were short lived so I dont proffess to understand much about the condition but I know for me it was crippling.I was paralysed with a feeling I cannot describe.I couldnt breathe,speak or function so to suffer that like you do must be horrendous...but get you lady..you were brave you conquered it today..ok so you shed a few tears but my goodness you did it.Well done.Bet you can do more than you think you know..look how you managed today single handed! Hope you are feeling a bit more comfortable in yourself at home this evening. Please don;t be so hard on yourself ...count today as a win...cos it was.

@Livebythecoast 'outsiders' have no idea. I would never wish it on anyone. Yes, it's becoming less of a stigma, but it's still very very hard to open up and tell people, especially those who are totally ignorant with a lack of understanding.

Agree with @Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe, today is a win, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.....

@wouldyouadamandeveit - Sorry, just to be clear my comment about 'walking a day in the shoes' was aimed at back for good
not you. x

@Livebythecoast sorry, I totally got that, but maybe it didn't come across that way

Feeling pathetic is such a norm that for us sufferers. The impact on ability to do even the basic tasks (that others would do easily) is insurmountable.

I'm not having a go at those that have never suffered, but until you have, you really have no idea.

It's taken me 15 years to even start to feel I can tell certain people when I have moments. My now DH is fantastic and I feel very lucky that I can explain how I feel and not feel like a freak.

Thank you so much everyone, I'm crying again, good, happy tears this time! I cannot tell you how much I really really appreciate all your lovely comments and suggestions. I know I'm not the only person who suffers from anxiety-as shown here--but it can be such an isolating condition, even if you have friends and family around you, it can be hard for them to understand.
You have all given me such a lift and made me feel better about today hope one day I can reciprocate

@Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav Today was a victory, however you felt at the time, you got through it!!!!!!