Aibu to think that he walked away from me, for my benefit?

[whatwasthis1]

I fell in love with my boss (not married). For about three years we spent lots of time together, enjoyed each others company but nothing happened as I was married. I had shared with him in my supervision that my DH was moving out, the next thing I know he’s declaring his undying love for me. Resulting in is diving head first into a whirlwind romance, we kept it secret because of work and my circumstances.

After a few months, he wouldn’t see me outside of work and told me that nothing more could happen until I was able to be with him properly. The physical side completely stopped. The texting continued, as did talking about our feelings and hopes for the future.

I heard a rumour he’d met someone else, I asked to meet outside of work. He said no. With a heavy heart I walked away, blocked his numbers and got a new job.

We’ve talked once in that time. It was lovely. He asked that we keep in touch and start again, but I’m so sad that he just moved on I can’t. He’s still blocked.

He talks about me with friends lots, they often tell me. He always says lovely things. They don’t know about us.

AIBU to think he walked away because it was best for me as I didn’t know how to bring the relationship into the light of day or did he just lose interest?

So what's stopping you being with him properly? Do you want to be with him properly?

I do want him, and love him, but he didn’t tell me that it was over or discuss it with me. I was just told by mutual friends that he was seeing someone else. I was absolutely devastated.

But why couldn't you be with him properly when you started seeing him?

Sorry, so when he asked you to "start again" he meant as friends?

He asked that we keep in touch and start again, but I’m so sad that he just moved on I can’t. He’s still blocked.

Don't really understand why you blocked him tbh? Why not just ask him if he met someone else? All sounds overly dramatic, sorry OP

Oh I should’ve added, he definitely was seeing someone, but he hadn’t told me.

I couldn’t just bring it out into the open as my marriage had literally just ended and my ex is completely wonderful and I didn’t want to cause him or the DC any pain. I am absolutely sure this frustrated and upset him (boss) and he would often just say he wanted to tell everyone and start a life together. It was me putting the breaks on. But then I guess he gave up or possibly wasn’t ever really interested or maybe even got bored of me?

Blocking him was dramatic, but I was so hurt.

He wasnt interested in a relationship that had no even rough timeline.

I don't think he did it for you. He did it for him.

He probably realised he couldnt wait around for then unknown time you would be ready to be out in the open. Which I think is fair enough. It's the main reason its nor good to get involved when someone has just separated.

The relationship is a half relationship for a while.

He has found someone that can move at a pace he is happy with.

You need to move on too.

Is he still seeing someone? Is it worth finding out?

No, he walked away because it was best for him. If you want him and love him as you say, why did you not get with him once your relationship with your husband was over? Sounds a bit star crossed lovers to me, but yeah makes no sense why you blocked him, talk about mixed signals.

I don’t know if he is. We’ve only spoken once during the time. He wanted to start talking and being back in touch in that call, which I agreed on the call, but then I didn’t because I don’t know what to make of it all.

And to be fair, you probably only want him now because he has moved on. You must have put the breaks on for a reason otherwise you would be with him.

I blocked him due to the culmination of him refusing to see me out of work and hearing that he was seeing someone else, was it really unfair of me? I just reached my emotional limit.

If you still like him, tell him. What have you got to lose? He hasn’t done anything wrong, but it sounds like you are totally free to go for it now, so just do it. The worst he can do is say no.

I really wasn’t expecting everyone to tell me that blocking him was dramatic and he didn’t do anything wrong, I felt so let down by him that he just started seeing someone else whilst he was still texting me/ telling me that he loved me

Dude, it sounds like you broke his heart. It sounds like he walked away from you so you couldn't further break it, even though your intentions in terms of protecting your family and your ex were good.

Personally I wouldn't get involved again because it's going backwards ( he is your ex after all)

OursonGuimauve I hadn’t thought of it that way at all.

He wouldn’t see me, he ended our physical relationship, he met someone else.

I hadn’t even considered that I was in the wrong here

If you weren't ready to be in a real official relationship, then maybe you should have been in such a serious one.

He probably thought it might mor go anywhere. He might have decided it was to big of risk, if you worked for him and it wasnt worth the damage it could do to his career.

Personally, I think you want him because he walked away. You wanted the full relationship, but hidden away. He didnr need to accept that.

Or maybe he realised it woildnt work long term.

He could even be a shit that used you and kept you sweet hoping you would leave without a fuss and no drama, if there could have been fallout at work.

No one knows. But my opinion is that he walked away for him. Not you.

What's stopping you from trying again now?

I haven’t spoken to him for months. I don’t know if he’s with anyone. It’s his birthday in November, I could send him a card? And unblock him? Or it is just too late?

So basically you fell in love with him, he with you.. Neither told each other about these feelings.
Then you casually drop in your dh is moving out.
Cue start of what he probably thought was a real relationship, but in fact you were behaving as if it was an illicit affair.
After some months of this he pulled back a bit.
And then met someone who could be seen in public with him, could stay over. Go on holiday etc etc...
Maybe this man loved you more than this other person but basically you gave him a message loud and clear.. That you wanted an affair and it would seem you were embarrassed about your relationship.
Poor man, finally able to be with the woman he has been secretly in love with and she messes him about..
Has your dh actu left now? Or are you still flip flopping between these two men?

What you did is called future faking.

This man tried.. He contacted you, he wanted to start again but sounds like you stalled because I would guess you and dh are not much further down the divorce route.

This man had integrity and self preservation boundaries.

Theredjellybean I didn’t mean to do any of those things, but I take on board that is how it might’ve felt.

Ex doesn’t live with me, but we remain very very close. I don’t love him romantically but he’s a great father and friend.

OP if you want him tell him...If you dont then leave it.Blocking was stupid it left too many questions unanswered for both of you. Only you and him can decide if there is any future or not but to do that you need to talk to him...just talk pick up the phone and see if he fancies lunch and a chat,but only if you are serious if not leave him be and let him be happy.You wont know anything until you talk to him directly.

I would not contact him. You behaved poorly. He's moved on. You have hopefully learned from this.