Aibu to think that he walked away from me, for my benefit?

[whatwasthis1]

I fell in love with my boss (not married). For about three years we spent lots of time together, enjoyed each others company but nothing happened as I was married. I had shared with him in my supervision that my DH was moving out, the next thing I know he’s declaring his undying love for me. Resulting in is diving head first into a whirlwind romance, we kept it secret because of work and my circumstances.

After a few months, he wouldn’t see me outside of work and told me that nothing more could happen until I was able to be with him properly. The physical side completely stopped. The texting continued, as did talking about our feelings and hopes for the future.

I heard a rumour he’d met someone else, I asked to meet outside of work. He said no. With a heavy heart I walked away, blocked his numbers and got a new job.

We’ve talked once in that time. It was lovely. He asked that we keep in touch and start again, but I’m so sad that he just moved on I can’t. He’s still blocked.

He talks about me with friends lots, they often tell me. He always says lovely things. They don’t know about us.

AIBU to think he walked away because it was best for me as I didn’t know how to bring the relationship into the light of day or did he just lose interest?

So you had an emotional affair with your boss, and then a secret relationship.

Then you withdrew because you didn’t want to people to know, and he withdrew, because either felt your hesitancy, or the thrill of an illicit relationship had ended for him.

The only way you’ll ever know is by unblocking the man and talking to him .

It sounds like you just weren’t ready , he was , but didn’t know if you ever would be - so moved on .

If you’re still thinking about him months after he last called you I think you need to find out one way or the other . Just bear in mind you probably hurt him

I supposed your ex DH also heard that you were seeing someone else ?

I love life sometimes.

sally I did ask him to meet when I heard that he was seeing someone. He said no, and he had been refusing to see me for a while. So I just gave up. I needed the sadness to stop

I really had thought you’d all tell me that he was obviously never really into me and to forget about him. I obviously hadn’t considered it from his perspective, I guess.

@whatwasthis1 you don't need to wait for it to be his birthday to get back in touch. Unblock and send him a very honest message about what happened and how you felt. It could just be a whole mess of miscommunication, what have you got to lose?

By the way I really respect you not wanting to hurt your ex husband and children with your new relationship and I think your boss would totally understand that reasoning.

Good luck!

Thank you DinosaursWouldEatYou this thread has made me realise that I was so fiercely protective of my ex’s feelings, I hurt others. That was never my intention and I feel mortified, I’m not an unkind or inconsiderate person at all I’m real life. I don’t think.

If you’ve blocked him, how do you know he’s not sending you with lovely messages and wanting to rekindle? Unblock him.

Well, I suppose he could have done it for you, but I doubt it. I expect that either you were no longer 'safe' because you separated (ie he gets involved with married women because there is no real danger of having to 'commit') OR the higher ups at work sussed your affair out and told him to break it off or lose his job.

I don't think blocking him was 'dramatic' or 'undramatic'. It's what worked for you at the time and that's what matters.

At any rate, it appears he's moved on and is no longer interested. You need to do the same thing.

Another thing you need to do is examine the reasons for your marriage ending. Did your marriage sour because your interests were focused elsewhere? If you were to want to 'rekindle' anything, I'd take a look at your 'lovely ex' and see if there's anything left there.

I think if he really loved you then he wouldn't have given up so easily and moved on as quickly. I think talks cheap, loads of people say they love you in life.Its what they do to show it that counts.
Even if you ask him straight, he might not give you an honest answer.

Do you still work together?

That’s what I think Boysey45

We don’t work together anymore, I’ve got a new job.

I think he probably has lost all trust in you and I am not surprised. You had an EA whilst married, gave him some flannel that you were now separated and it turned into a physical one, with him assuming you were now single and available to start a new relationship, but your actions after that would seem to be that you had done no such thing.
If any friend of mine had told me that she was in love with a work colleague, that he had told her that he had left his wife and on this basis they had started a sexual relationship, but had also said she should keeo quiet about it and no one should know. I would say he is a liar and a cheat. That he is just stringing you along.
You are not protecting your ex and DC with your 'stories' you just going to hurt them more, in fact you are just protecting yourself so you can come out looking like the victim.

What's the timeline of all this?

Cheeseandwin5 wow. Ok.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I can see the situation differently. I’m feeling quite ashamed. I’m not going to reply now but I’m able to think about this more clearly now.

Tilltheendoftheline years from start to now really

Look at this from the other side:

“I met a bloke and had deep feelings for him. We spent three years talking but nothing physical happened because he was married. Then one day he told me that he and his DW were separating, and we got together. But months on he refused to see me in public, told me that he couldn’t be open about having a relationship with me and just wanted to see me in secret. What should I do?”

The replies would be “block him. He’s clearly not over his ex, you were a bit of fun while he was married but now that he’s not the shine has gone off the relationship for him.” There would even be some who would suggest that maybe he and the ex hadn’t actually split at all, but the unanimous advice would be to block him and move on. And that’s just what he has done here.

OP you’ve been playing games. For three years you have led this bloke on. Be honest here, how much did your feelings for him contribute towards the breakdown of your marriage? Because three years is a long time to have feelings and then fall into bed with them as soon as your marriage is over. It sounds as if you had emotionally detached from your DH years ago and have been having an emotional affair with this man at best. But you don’t want your DH to know that things got physical so quickly because then you will have to admit to having emotional attachments to this man prior to your split, which will rightly get DH wondering whether you split because you were in fact in love with someone else.

All the blocking and deleting and so on is over dramatic game playing. You’ve wanted everything on your terms until now. And then when he decided to take control you’re hurt?

I think that he did the best thing by walking away.

@whatwasthis1 I mean how long between you separation and getting with him

And how long before he called it off. And how long were you talking but not meeting up and how long since you blocked him

Poor guy. He was treated like a secret, probably feared it was a rebound relationship, then you blocked him because he put up barriers to protect himself.

I can see why he’d want a clean break.

Unblock him and see if he ever messages you. You need to stop thinking of your ex's feelings now, and focus on yourself.

Brutally I think he walked away for him, not you. Time to move on.

I think he walked away for his own benefit.
I think I would leave it alone now because I don't think you will get the answers you want or a happy ever after out of him.
I think I'd be looking for someone new personally.X

Hi OP How many years has it been since you blocked him? I'd have to unblock him and make contact - what have you got to lose? I wouldn't be able to wait until his birthday in November I'd have to do something NOW!! If he's still asking your friends about you and saying nice things then he must still be thinking of you. I'd would forever be thinking 'What if........' Good Luck and let us know how it goes. I really hope it works out.

It has been eight months since we talked. I really miss him, but I know that’s selfish of me. I really hadn’t realised that what I was asking for was so awful, I can see that now though.

He talked about me as recently as last week, so as someone said, I must be on his mind a bit