Am I selfish ?

[Weirdgifter]

Am I really selfish to feel like my mother who adores my toddler, but puts no effort with me as her mother to support me and instead dumps a lot of emotional baggage on me and causes me stress and drama...

Am I unreasonable to think that if she cared about her grandchild she would support me to be a good mother to her and that it’s not enough to play with toys

And that, I don’t need to go out of my way to help her see her because she doesn’t bother come to visit her at mine even when she was a newborn. Instead she wants to be grandma of the year by me doing all the hard work and facilitating that ?

I try to do the best I can but I lately decided that if my child misses out because I am unable to go out of my way repeatedly without reciprical efforts then it’s not really my fault is it?

How do I have a non dramatic discussion with mum about this?

Are there two different issues here? Her not supporting you as a mother and dumping stuff on you and her not coming to see her GC at your house or are they both the same problem?

Is she mobile and in good health? How old is she?

She is mobile and in good health and young. In her fifties.

She does have a full time job though.

I’m not sure I feel like they are the same problem. My mother doesn’t acknowledge me and never has, she is used to me making all the effort towards her.. and while I now suffer PND she still expects that I take my child to her and the only time she acknowledges me is when she needs my support. Never asks how I am and never assessed whether her expectations of me are reasonable seeing my circumstances. Uses my PND against me.

When I go visit her she hardly acknowledges my presence only plays with my child and after an hour she hints that this was enough and now we can go. It doesn’t suit me to make that journey and after an hour have to return. It’s tiring for me.

I sound selfish. I’m not knowing how to express myself on here but maybe with pp probing me I will figure it out. I have problems processing my feelings.

Also, this is why I’m here becshse I don’t know how to get her to understand as I don’t know how to communicate that

After your update you don’t sound selfish but your mum does. I think you should stop facilitating her and even explain why if you feel up to it. It’s a two way street and it’s unfair that you have to do all the donkey work.

Could you explain how you feel to at least give her the chance to remedy this situation, do you think she would listen and digest it?

I only recently started expressing my discontent with the situation and it resulted in a lot of drama but she eventually apologised and tried to make it up in a way she understands.. but I really don’t think she understands..

I don’t think I’m explaining things to her clearly and properly.

She still holds me responsible for her missing out on time with my dd.. not realising that I never prevented her from seeing dd.. always told her she is welcome. She just chose other priorities..

I think she comes from the understanding that the daughter goes to visit the mum not other way round and she dismisses my circumstances and how that’s not always possible..

My feelings and needs are completely not factored into the situation

You're not selfish. My mother has zero interest in my three kids and even less interest in me. I live 6 miles away and she's never popped in for a cuppa or anything. She doesn't give any time to the kids but will share all the "if your grandkids mean the world to you share this" meme shite on Facebook.

I've tried being friends with her. Asking her out for lunch etc (with or without kids) and she always says she can't [insert various excuses]
Then I find out she's heading out to a spur of the moment lunch with her friend or anyone other random from her stable yard.

If someone doesn't show an interest in your kids, don't bother. With yours at least it seems she plays with them so that's something.

Start flipping it back at her.

DM: You haven't phoned me

YOU: Why haven't you called me?

DM: Why haven't you been to visit?

YOU: Why haven't you been to visit us?

I've tried being friends with her. Asking her out for lunch etc (with or without kids) and she always says she can't [insert various excuses]
Then I find out she's heading out to a spur of the moment lunch with her friend or anyone other random from her stable yard.

Sounds extremely familiar and hurts like shit.

All you can do is put yourself and your well being first now OP. If it doesn’t suit you to visit then you don’t visit. She will either catch on that it’s a two way thing or she will miss out on seeing her GC. It’s her call now.

Concentrate on yourself

DamonSalvatoresDinner

When I asked her those questions she said I’m “guilt tripping her”

Of course she did because she sees nothing wrong with what she’s doing. It’s an age old thing. Blame the blameless.

Once I was extremely ill and DH was away on a work trip and I usually shy away from asking mum for any favors but dd was a newborn and I just sat home crying. My mum had tome off work and was just chilling at home and with friends.

My DH, without telling me, called her and begged her to go stay with me the night because I was very ill and couldn’t be alone with dd. And she said she can’t. Then we find out on the same day she was going out with friends.

I don’t feel entitled for her time and everything but... it shows me I’m not a priority.

Yet, she expects me to drop off everything and be there when she needs me for rediculous things.

The funny one was when I was extremely struggling and let her know that. She expressed how she can’t look after my child or host me.. or visit me..

And then she goes on to ask me to babysit her friends child who has special needs and is hard to manage... all that while she is declining to support me with mine.

And when I said I can’t there was a lot of whining and pleading and pressuring from all angles.

I asked for serious support on only two occasions in the past two years, both were declined. But I don’t ever usually ask for help because she communicates to me to keep my expectations low as she is “busy”.

One one of those occasions when I asked for serious support, she cancelled on me last minute after agreeing to it s month in advance. Cancelled two days before... I had prearranged a meeting for us both somewhere professional which was hard to schedule.. I had to cancel all of that.

And then she had the face to “invite” me on an outing with her friends on that same day where she cancelled our arranged plans saying she is “busy”. Because she said she wants to see my dd and her friends want to see her too.

I didn’t end up going as I said I’m unable to and it turned into huge drama of her “knowing I don’t have anything because she had just cancelled on me”.. and apparently I’m using my dd as a tool.

She outright refused to support me. It makes her itch to help me out in life even when she can. It was a massive situation that I have been struggling with and has contributed to my mental decline and she knew how much it mattered to me and when I was upset that she cancelled she said I was guilt tripping her.

And I admit I’m slightly hurt when I see her supporting everyone around her. With trivial things,. . it makes me feel worthless. So I’m staying away from it all so I stop seeing confirmations of how little interest she has in me. I didn’t want to go with the outings with her friends because I felt it was all about her being grandma of the year but she has no regards to how I feel about the fact she cancelled on me and compromised me.. for no good reason.

She doesn’t get it at all. She thinks I’m needy when I’m really absolutely not. I put my needs aside and always put her first. It’s onky after my PND that I started to see to my own health and even so, I’m always the one making an effort for her to see my dd.. rediculous amount of effort..

But there is no acknowledgement from her towards me. She feels entitled that I do the donkey work for her to see my child.. while she completely disregards me.

My dd loves her which breaks my heart. All she knows is grandma plays with her when she sees her. That’s why I feel selfish...

But truth is my mum is messing me up mentally with her behaviour towards me.

Maybe I should be happy that mum plays with dd.. and put my own feelings aside. But it’s really painful

@Weirdgifter if she accuses you of guilt tripping her, flip it back at her. Just keep doing it over and over and over again.
So she gets upset with you? Big deal. She's making no effort to avoid upsetting you!

I've learned over the years that I choose to take crap. My dad used to make me cry on every phone call by being nasty to me. It was like his hobby. One day I realised that I was holding the phone to my ear. I could instantly stop the nastiness by pressing End. So I did. And I don't contact him for over 6 months. And as we had no contact, he couldn't make me cry. It was really very simple. So what if he got upset I wasn't talking to him? He didn't care about how I felt.

Fuck her off. Go low or No Contact. You don't need her and the proof that you don't is because you have never been given her assistance. You have had to do just fine without her so you are losing nothing.

The more you write about her the more I think you need to take a step back and if need be stop seeing her. She’s not helping your mental health in any way.

Yes she had her own life but to not help your own DD when she’s very poorly and she’s just at home “chilling” is inexcusable. I don’t know why she’s behaving like this but she’s in the wrong here and you can’t make her be the mother she should be so imo it’s time to leave her to it.

Hopefully she will wake up and see how her actions are impacting on you but until then I think in your shoes I would stop trying with her.

At times I think it makes her feel good to let’s me down like this because this has been a pattern for a very long time. And any feelings of upset I have about the situation she uses it as an excuse to create big drama and further isolate me from my siblings. Who are just confused.

But this doesn’t make sense to me becshse she doesn’t strike me as a cruel person. It seems subconscious.

She had a difficult childhood and had little to not support from her mother. And I feel like she finds it distressing to give me what she didn’t have. Yet expects me to be her “mother replacement” when she needs that in her life.

My ideal solution would be for me to be able to have her in dds life without it affecting me mentally. Because the little she offers in terms of playing with dd does make me slightly happy for dd.

I do attribute a huge part of my mental health to my mum. I am looking for a way to build emotional resilience around the situation so that I don’t feel so worthless and don’t take her actions personally..

She feels like a victim all the time around me and me needing any form of support triggers her into a negative place.. I guess due to her childhood. She simply doesn’t enjoy making my life better.

If I ever seem or look sad that she let me down, god forbid express it even in a polite way, she tries to go get validation from everyone around me including my own DH (who doesn’t agree with her).. she tries to validate that she is a victim and that I need to fix my attitude.

It bewilders me and drains me emotionally but I’m trying to understand it so that I can place boundaries and have a functional relationship without compromising my mental health

NoSauce

Thank you NoSauce. I think this is the feasible option to stay away and very LC. Its proving a bit difficult but... I shall try.

Trying to explore if there is any other options to try make her understand so that I rule everything out and not look back

Trust your gut. It does make her feel good to let you down at the last minute. Had a 'friend' like her. When you need them the most is when they suddenly have more important things to do...like wash their hair. And they want you to know those things are more important (eg: social media 'washing my hair lol').

I've had a few narcissists(and similar) in my life and actually realised there was a pattern in that my gran who part raised me was one and now i seemto arrract them in friendships ect. This friend may not have been the worst of the lot...but considering some tough times during the friendship were the times she chose to not be there or worse, kick me whilst I was down,she was still incredibly toxic.

I know it's hard to think of a mother being that way, hard to imagine intent.. but either way, your mum is incredibly selfish...and its nasty. I can't help but wonder if you have had other...disorderd individuals in your life too.

I wonder if you see how warm and friendly she is with the child and can't help but feel a pang of sadness that she doesn't ever act that way with you. And wonder why. She wants you to feel that way too.

Start saying no. If your mother wants to see her grandkid she needs to learn that it can't always be on her terms. She'll probably throw as strop, or start to nag you every chance she gets, (her sort dont like comprimise) but hold firm.

It does sound like she could be projecting her own feelings and experience of her relationship on to her and yours. If she was never supported emotionally and practically by her own mother it could be a reason why she doesn’t understand that she should be supporting you in those ways. Maybe.

It’s not an excuse though. Many, many people have difficult upbringings and experiences growing up but manage not to pass this on to their own children.

Have you considered having some counselling OP? I know it’s not a quick fix solution but it might help you to be able to cope with the way she is and learn how to deal with it so you can feel better about the way she mothers you.

What is she like with your siblings?

Oh dear, some of this may be because many years ago it was just assumed the grown children would bring the grandchildren to see their grandparents.
My parents only visited my home for visits a couple of times after I had my first child. We always took the children to see them which seemed normal to me. It's just what we did.

I don’t think that’s the case here though Limesoda, this is a relatively young GM so should understand that times have changed and that it’s give and take where seeing her GD is concerned.

It sounds much more complex than her thinking that grandchildren should be brought to their grandparents house for visits.

NoSauce

Thank you I think you understand the situation very well. She is definitely much more respectful to my brother. He is a boy though. And I feel that makes a huge difference to her projection issues.

I have considered therapy. due To PND. Just trying to convince myself to open up.

Pinkbonbon

I do have similar dysfunctional relationships in my life as I have grown feeling like having boundaries is selfish. And so I’ve invited many relationships of the kind.

I do think my gut is telling me my mums behaviour is because she feels negative around me as I remind her of her life and it’s almost like how some people self harm to make themselves feel better, my mum feels like she needs to do something to feel in control and ends up taking it out on me.

I genuinely don’t think the “intention” is bad, I think it’s all subconscious and she is just not in touch with her emotions and judgement either. But it does result in quite cruel behaviour which she isn’t really wanting to address because all she cares about is “I have good intentions and you are misunderstanding me”. She finds excuses for herself.

Also I see what you are saying about her being playful with dd to make me feel bad. I don’t know, I just think she isn’t that emotionally intelligent and in tune with me or with herself. I think she just does it because it makes her feel good like a good mother. I’m sure she is aware I’m assessing how she was like with me and she is just think f that she is proving me wrong or something. I have no clue. I do think she convinced herself that she is a victim of me misunderstanding her.

I think she is quite binary : “I feel negative “ and “I feel positive” and acts accordingly. Doesn’t process her emotions to filter out what’s logical and what’s fair. So her emotional trauma plays a huge part in her behaviour I feel.

I don’t know this is my latest attempt to try understand.

Limensoda I do think she comes from that mindset. But only because it suits her. She isn’t that rigid with everything else in life but this seems to give her a good excuse to not put effort. Just like the many other excuses she creates. She can be very modern when she wants to be.

I think even in the olden days though they would support their daughter after she gives birth for the first couple of weeks.

I wonder what boundaries I can place to not let my mental health be vulnerable in all this.

DamonSalvatoresDinner

Your relationship with your dad sounds similar. I don’t understand if someone knows that they’re truly hurting their own child, why would they struggle to reflect on their own behaviour. It boggles the mind.

You raise someone for all those years, you invest in them, and then you decide to be nasty . That’s why I keep convincing myself it must be something illogical and subconscious becshse it doesn’t make sense at all otherwise to me.

44Weirdgifter Yes,.I agree, mums do tend to support their daughter if she needs it after she's had a baby.
My mother never gave me support generally and was very difficult but she did surprise me after I had my daughter. She actually stayed over a couple of nights and recognised I had PND. She looked after my daughter and was really patient with me. We had always had a difficult relationship, she had never been a good mum. She had a really bad temper and would say awful things to me.
I used to get annoyed and upset that she didn't visit after that...I got zero support. It was a long time ago but since then I learned a lot about her earlier life, which wasn't an easy one, and tried to put myself in her position. I learned to let go of our past and stopped having any expectations of her. I've even had counselling, which really helped me understand it all.

I’ve often told myself that, if I try meet my mums needs and make her realise they’re significant to me maybe she will learn from me to have some care.

I know I’m a bit pathetic.

But I attempted to do set myself on that mission - not sure if I went about it correctly - and when she let me down I crumbled. I think I keep giving myself hope and it’s unhealthy. I need to stop going out of my way.

Am so tired. And feel so lonely and frustrated.

I wonder how to explain things to her for the final time I’m clear and logical and non dramatic ways so she gets it.. what is it that is making me upset I don’t actually know how to say it.

“Mum you need to stop letting me down”

She won’t handle this accusation well.

“Mum you need to put more effort with Me”

She would definately not take that well and make me sound so needy.

“Mum I’m tired and hasn’t slept all night so can’t come and visit for an hour then leave..”

She will say I’m making up excuses and not letting her spend time with dd.