Am I selfish ?

[Weirdgifter]

Am I really selfish to feel like my mother who adores my toddler, but puts no effort with me as her mother to support me and instead dumps a lot of emotional baggage on me and causes me stress and drama...

Am I unreasonable to think that if she cared about her grandchild she would support me to be a good mother to her and that it’s not enough to play with toys

And that, I don’t need to go out of my way to help her see her because she doesn’t bother come to visit her at mine even when she was a newborn. Instead she wants to be grandma of the year by me doing all the hard work and facilitating that ?

I try to do the best I can but I lately decided that if my child misses out because I am unable to go out of my way repeatedly without reciprical efforts then it’s not really my fault is it?

How do I have a non dramatic discussion with mum about this?

It was a long time ago but since then I learned a lot about her earlier life, which wasn't an easy one, and tried to put myself in her position. I learned to let go of our past and stopped having any expectations of her.

That’s good. I think that’s the place I want to be. Mature my emotions in a way so her behaviour doesn’t upset me and adjust my expectations so that I don’t feel hopeful and then let down.

One of the reasons I’m unable to reach that stage of acceptance though is because it’s only me she does this with. I think she feels like I expect too much of her and am needy, and she needs to “put me in place” because I’m her head I’m acting “entitled”.

But I really am not. I’m the only child of hers who runs to her aid and helps out in life.. and she allows my brother to request things from her which she enjoys giving to him. I never ask.. unless desperate.. but I expect a normal relationship and for her that’s a big ask.

She also has huge more than normal expectations from me. Has none from my brother or the rest of the people in her life. Only me. And I spent so many years of my life trying to meet them.. yet Im unable to have minimal expectation from her. I should just be grateful for the crumbs. And never even ask.

I’m finding it hard to accept becshse I don’t know why I’m singled out like that.

My friend said “it’s becsuse you are the dearest to her and look like her, so she feels safe to be herself around u”.

But... I’m not sure I’m the dearest. I genuinely can’t remember the last time she hugged me or said she loves me. Or tried to make me feel alright.

I have considered therapy. due To PND. Just trying to convince myself to open up

OP you have opened up so well this morning and what you have written has been very eloquent and well considered, I’m sure with the right therapist you would be able to express how you feel and how your relationship with your mum is impacting on you. I would definitely consider it.

I think I need to get on with counselling not sure what’s making me stuck.

This thread has been incredibly helpful so I can tap into my feelings.

To be honest, as scary as it sounds, I think I share the route problem with my mum. She finds it hard to identify her emotions and so do I. It takes me a while to be mindful of how I’m feeling and just act out in an overwhelmed manner.. I recently realized that I struggle emotionally and it’s a result of not being emotionally cared about.

So to give her the benefit of the doubt, and adjust my expectations, I would really sum her up as someone who feel negative about me and my achievements, because she projects her childhood issues onto me and is reminded of “what could’ve been!”. And her coping mechanism is to control the situation by shutting down on me or projecting her negative emotions on me and expecting me to somehow validate them by feeling her pain.

It’s painful to accept I will never have the caring side of her. Because she does have that. With many others just not with me..

But I just am going to convince myself that it’s not personal and it’s nit because I’m
Not worth it and I need to develop some
Tools to not let it emotionally eat at me and drag me down.

And I guess I’ll feel good to admit this while
I’m at it.

I just think my mother doesn’t enjoy my company. For no fault of mine. And just sees me as a source of support for her.

She sounds a bit conflicted but when I’m the moment she certainly doesn’t sound like she is enjoying my company. I can’t force her to. But I don’t understand why she is forcing me to make the effort only so she can enjoy my dd while she “tolerates” me and forces herself into a mothering role that she finds difficult to cope with.

I mean.. I’m glad my dd helps her with her mental health. But I’m human too and it really damages me to see my own mother reject me this way.. even if she doesn’t mean to and it’s out of her hands.

I guess I do understand it but need to accept it

You are right in that she acts according to how she feels and she sees you as being unfair on her. But the way she acts is akin to a bully picking on someone in order to feel good about themself. Because that's essentially what it is. How much or little intent there is behind each cold act, shouldn't really matter. A jerk is a jerk and there's no excusing it, stop trying to! And these people always see themselves as the victim/hard done by, especially when someone is calling them out on their shitty behaviour.

I'd be putting my effort into understanding how she raised you to be a beacon to other nasty sorts.

Think of it like, a lion kills because it is a lion, if its looking at you and licking its lips, you don't stand around worrying about whether or not it is choosing to hurt you after consideration or just acting on instinct.

There's a good book called 'no more narcissists' which talks a lot about childhood and parental relationships leading to codependency/choosing the wrong men ect... might be worth a look,it has exercises to work through. Think it might give you food for thought.

OP, it certainly sounds as if you need to protect yourself and your mental health.

Your mother does not sound as if she is or ever has been a source of kindness and support to you.

Sometimes it really is as simple as, "I don't feel good around you, you don't contribute to my life in a positive way, I'm going to step away from this relationship and put my well-being first".

Well worth considering.
Wishing you the best.💐

billy1966

You are right I guess in my head it should be that simple! That’s the words I’m looking for bizarrely!

I wonder whether I can take baby steps in communicate that I’m not ready to see her hurt if I say that. Maybe I can take gradual steps in protecting my mental health.

Pinkbonbon
I'd be putting my effort into understanding how she raised you to be a beacon to other nasty sorts.

Definitely need to do that. I see a pattern for sure.

44Weirdgifter

I'm the only child of my mother's that tried to get her to understand how she affected every one of us. I was always on that mission. It doesn't work!
My mother died years ago but I still agonized over our problems for years. It's a waste of effort.
I had sort of come to terms with it, or so I thought, but counselling was brilliant. My counsellor listened and made suggestions which I'd never considered. She didn't demonise my mother or give me sympathy, ..Or tell me I was right and mum was wrong.
It's made me look at it so differently and understand what it is about me that made me so bothered by it all.
You can tell your mum how you feel, but it has to be done the right way otherwise she will react in a way that will leave you more frustrated and upset. Do try counselling.

Shall I try going therapy with my mum?

I know I sound pathetic but I’m still wondering whether there is a way for m to not add to her misery.

I wanna find a way that’s kind to us both even if it means a little compromise from me.

But I just want to work towards something healthier

44Weirdgifter
My counsellor does do relationship counselling too. That includes mother/child or siblings etc.
I would try it alone first to get an idea of how it works and whether you will need to go together. I know my mother would never have comes to counselling. She never thought she was wrong and would never admit she could benefit from anything like that. I can love my mother now without needing her to understand (bit late now any way) and I don't need her support. It would have been nice but that's the way it is. My siblings never felt that need the way I did.
Your mother would really need to want it too but she may be too afraid to go there...many people don't want to open up but I think you would benefit enormously.

To be fair she did suggest family counselling when we went through family trauma. Like fifteen years ago.

It was me who refused to go as I was pretty young - teenager- and found it hard to open up.

Maybe she will reconsider.

Yes maybe I can do therapy alone first that might help.

Isn’t it sAd knowing that narcissistic mothers are essentially damaged scared children who grew to become emotionally immature adults ?

Sad and scary and unfair to know that the victims become abusers while trying to rescue themselves.

From what I've seen, being spoilt is just as likely to cause it. It certainly isn't always the result of abuse.

Never go to joint therapy with a narcissist. You'll just leave feeling everything is all your fault. They use therapy to manipulate. Getting some counciling yourself might help though :) if you can find the time.

Never go to joint therapy with a narcissist. You'll just leave feeling everything is all your fault

I agree with this. It would be difficult even with a good counsellor. Narcissists would not be honest enough and only see themselves as victims.

OP, fyi I actually meant those words as something you might say to yourself, not your mother.

As in that conversation that you might have in your head as you try and make sense of how you feel.

Definitely some counseling on your own might help to.

I honestly cannot fathom a mother, seeing her child struggle, refuse help and carry on.

Incomprehensible to me.

Mind yourself 💐

I honestly cannot fathom a mother, seeing her child struggle, refuse help and carry on.

I have never questioned it before but now that I’m a mother, it reallr really hurts..

I just don’t want it to affect my self esteem anymore. I just am trying to understand it so I don’t take it personal.

I often wonder whether I should just ask my mum “how can you see me struggle and do the exact thing that makes it worse for me”.

I wish she even just ignored me. She does exactly what’s needed to make it worse.

I’m struggling to accept this and finding it hard to figure out my place in that equation.

I know it’s not with cruel intent but she is oblivious.. something messed up in her subconscious.. I just want to be able to see it so I detach from it all because it really really gets to me

She sounds very selfish. I had a good friend like that. I stopped making the effort and ignored all blackmail attempts. I don't see her anymore. i used to feel sad especially for dc but now it's so freeing. I just imagine how she'd be to dc and now know i made the right choice.

My friend said “it’s becsuse you are the dearest to her and look like her, so she feels safe to be herself around u”.

This is the same bullshit as 'he treats you mean because he fancies you'. Excusing toxic behaviour in a way to make it seem like the person cares rather then just is an arse. Keeping the recipient down. Your friend should be ashamed and shut up. Try Stately Homes OP. People who've been through it and those who haven't but have empathy are helpful, those like your friend are not.

Mums seem to do this but not sure why. My dm berates me constantly for not calling her between my weekly visits, but chooses not to call me. I work full time. When I ask her why she doesn’t call me instead, she says that I’m always out (not true - I get home from work and that’s it until the next morning). They just become a bit self entitled with age I think. I just refuse to pander to her demands, which she isn’t happy about.

I think you need to focus on yourself. Your mother cannot make this better for you.
You have reached a position where you are obsessing about this now and think if you can get your mum to understand and change, then magically you will feel better. You won't.
You can't change the past and you can't change another person. You need to change how you think about it.
A counsellor will help you understand why this is a massive issue for you, as indeed it was for me.
I'd also recommend learning mindfulness to focus on the now, not the past and not the future. There are also lots of self help books on loving yourself and self esteem.
You can definitely change your thinking on this....it takes time and work but shift your focus from her....to yourself.