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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU when it comes to him smoking?

29 replies

Legomanships · 22/09/2019 23:03

Not sure if I’m overreacting or being overbearing or controlling, so was hoping for some opinions from neutral parties.

My husband smoked for about 10 years when we were in our late teens in our 20’s. We dated long distance for around 5 years. I’ve never been a fan of the smoking and he wouldn’t have smoked at all when he came to stay with me or when I stayed with him.

He hasn’t been a smoker now for around 5 years since we started living together, thought I know when he travels to see friends he will sometimes have a smoke.

He has been stressed at work over the last month and has a deadline coming up at the end of this week. He smoked a few weeks ago which I was a bit annoyed about, because we are also trying for a baby.

I am probably overly anxious about TTC and explained that smoking is bad for fertility. He was skeptical. He smoked again after this discussion and we sort of had a bit of a fall out at the time because I’m really eager to get pregnant and I feel like he is indifferent.

When he came to bed on Friday i could smell smoke in his beard but said nothing, and he has just said he’s going to go out for a smoke because he’s stressed. I would prefer if he didn’t smoke but he says it isn’t really a joint decision. I guess that’s fair enough.

Am I just being over controlling because I’m stressed about trying to get pregnant or am I justified in feeling disappointed that he doesn’t really consider that my feelings about this are as valid as his being stressed about a deal at work?

Sorry this is so long and rambling. Just to be clear we have been talking about TTC for a while and had agreed a timescale for starting to try it just happens that this has fallen into a busy time for him.

Do I just let it go for another week and assume he will stop once this process is done? He says smoking and trying for a baby are entirely separate things, I’m not sure how to properly articulate my feelings because I feel like I’m being a bit stupid.

OP posts:

RainbowGirls · 22/09/2019 23:06

Do you think it’s stressing him out TTC? If so stop mentioning it & let it happen naturally without pressure. Applying pressure will make him smoke more

Original poster

Legomanships · 22/09/2019 23:08

He’s sort of the polar opposite to me with regards TTC, he feels zero stress about it and assumes it will happen easily. Which I why he finds me even mentioning smoking to be a bit of an overreaction.

OP posts:

RainbowGirls · 22/09/2019 23:11

Of course it’s never good to smoke. How many a day Is he having? Why don’t you suggest NRT instead of cigarettes? But that depends if he’s capable of stopping cold turkey now?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/09/2019 23:12

I’m really eager to get pregnant and I feel like he is indifferent

This is what jumped out at me. You need to be on the same page and he’s not. There will always be stresses in life, they don’t go away when you’re ttc, pregnant or parents. If he won’t quit now then you can’t trust he’ll do it when you’re pregnant or have a baby. You can’t make him stop but you can expect to both be in the best shape you can be which shows you’re committed to this next stage. You’ll spend pregnancy taking vitamins, not drinking, not eating some things, going through the whole intense physical being pregnant lark and all he needs to do is quit the fags. If he won’t I’d be concerned he’s not that on board.

Purpleartichoke · 22/09/2019 23:17

I wouldn’t try for a baby with someone who is not committed to being a non-smoker. He is harming you when he comes to bed smelling of smoke and he will be harming your child when he holds the baby with smoke residue on his clothing. 3rd hand smoke is a real problem.

Original poster

Legomanships · 22/09/2019 23:17

Anne - I feel like this is the possibly the crux of it all. I have been taking vitamins, and I got him some too which are unopened on his dresser. I think I’m probably just worried this is a sign he doesn’t want to TTC and has just been being agreeable, but by the same token once his deal is done I suspect he will jump on board - I just feel annoyed that I am sort of pushed off to the side while he does what he wants for now.

OP posts:

IHaveBrilloHair · 22/09/2019 23:17

Smoking isn't a great thing, of course, but his fertility won't go to zero because he had the odd cigarette.

Original poster

Legomanships · 22/09/2019 23:24

BrilloHair - I think you are completely right and that I am conflating the smoking with him not taking my views on preparing to conceive seriously, which even if that are a bit stupid I would like him to try to be onboard with. I think I need to maybe give my head a wobble though.

OP posts:

EmmiJay · 22/09/2019 23:41

As a smoker, the worst and most annoying thing you can do is go on about smoking. It makes us smoke more. He has to want to quit it on his own accord not because you're telling him to.

EmmiJay · 22/09/2019 23:42

As a smoker, the worst and most annoying thing you can do is go on about smoking. It makes us smoke more. He has to want to quit it on his own accord not because you're telling him to.

EmmiJay · 22/09/2019 23:42

Sorry for double posting.

Untamedtoad · 22/09/2019 23:46

I wouldn't want to conceive if my partner was a smoker, as he may not be able to quit in time for the baby, and that would add so much stress onto you, as you've already said you really don't like smoking. You'll fucking hate it when you have your PFB in your arm and someone comes anywhere near you smelling of smoke. Plus, even living with a mild/moderate smoker when pregnant WILL affect your baby. You will be inhaling second/third hand smoke, and that will be going directly through to the growing baby, so you really don't want to be in that situation as it will cause conflict and tension. Happened to a friend of mine. She went to a midwife appointment, and was asked if she smoked. She obviously said no, and the midwife showed her the oxygen levels of her baby, which were alot lower than they should have been... because her husband smoked. Not even in the house, but he'd come in after having one, and she was inhaling the third hand smoke, which was affecting how much oxygen their baby got. When she told him, he felt awful and finally quit, and by her next appointment, the babies O2 was normal, but she was 7 months by this point, baby was born 2 weeks early and absolutely tiny, and she still blames the husband's smoking for it. Caused so many issues for them as she hated him doing it, and they argued that whole pregnancy and even now, 2 years later.

Original poster

Legomanships · 22/09/2019 23:47

Emmi - he wasn’t actually smoking again until this past few weeks, but he has always been a bit defensive about smoking so I appreciate it’s probably annoying to have people go on about it.
Smoking is bad for him, and ideally I would like him not too do it in any circumstances, but I wouldn’t have mentioned it as an actual problem if it wasn’t for the TTC aspect if you know what I mean. I just feel like it’s more than a cigarette.

OP posts:

Original poster

Legomanships · 22/09/2019 23:50

Toad - I genuinely don’t think he will keep smoking after this project is complete, but also we have a few other traditionally stressful things to do this year, so I may be being naive.

OP posts:

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 23:50

Smoking is a dealbreaker for me! I couldn’t bring myself to kiss or have sex with someone who smelled of smoke. It’s THE most unattractive thing a person can do in my opinion. I’d hold of TTC with him for the moment. Doesn’t sound the best time anyway!

Original poster

Legomanships · 22/09/2019 23:52

Sherbet - I know you are probably right, but I just feel so ready for this, I know we both have to be onboard though and I feel like he isn’t but I’m not expressing this well to him and he insists he isn’t smoking in protest and that he wants a baby too/

OP posts:

ILikeyourHairyHands · 22/09/2019 23:54

Untamed, that is utter bollocks. People's blood oxygen levels don't drop because they've been in the proximity of someone that's recently smoked a cigarette, and babies are not born prematurely and below average weight because expectant mothers spend time near smokers that don't even smoke in their vicinity.

I'm not a smoking advocate, but don't spread utter rubbish that may cause undue anxiety please!

Original poster

Legomanships · 23/09/2019 10:26

Thanks for taking the time everyone, I guess probably a proper chat is needed re our expectations

OP posts:

NoSauce · 23/09/2019 10:34

Happened to a friend of mine. She went to a midwife appointment, and was asked if she smoked. She obviously said no, and the midwife showed her the oxygen levels of her baby, which were alot lower than they should have been... because her husband smoked. Not even in the house, but he'd come in after having one, and she was inhaling the third hand smoke, which was affecting how much oxygen their baby got

How did the midwife check the unborn baby’s oxygen levels?

Morgan12 · 23/09/2019 10:40

Do you not need the babys blood to check for oxygen levels?

Digitalash · 23/09/2019 10:41

She obviously said no, and the midwife showed her the oxygen levels of her baby, which were alot lower than they should have been... because her husband smoked. Not even in the house, but he'd come in after having one, and she was inhaling the third hand smoke, which was affecting how much oxygen their baby got.

Sorry but that is complete bullshit. You can't test the oxygen levels of an unborn baby the babies oxygen level is dependent on the oxygen level of your blood and there is zero chance of sitting next to a smoker lowering the oxygen level in your blood.

fishonabicycle · 23/09/2019 11:12

I'm pretty sure that is total bollocks!

Igotthemheavyboobs · 23/09/2019 11:19

I'm pretty sure that is total bollocks!

Agreed. Complete and utter bollocks!

WonderTweek · 23/09/2019 11:38

I tried to nag my husband into giving up and it only caused friction between us. To be fair, he was the one who said he wanted to quit so I thought I was being encouraging, but turns out it made matters worse. He's always said he'd give up when I got pregnant/baby was here/before baby was 12 months etc but he's still smoking, although never in the house or around our toddler. He seems to be in a bit of turmoil with it but I haven't mentioned it for a couple of years because ultimately it is up to him if he quits or not. All I can do really is let him know I'm here for him when he's ready.

I am an ex-smoker though so know how difficult it is to quit. I feel like I had the easy way out as I got pregnant and completely lost interest in smoking so it wasn't an issue at all, and I had smoked for 15 years.

Original poster

Legomanships · 23/09/2019 11:58

For me it seems like he’s such a casual smoker anyway that it shouldn’t be too big a wrench for him to not do it, but then that is probably easy for me to say. It’s not even particularly that it’s unhealthy, it that it’s in opposition to other plans we have and I feel like I’m left on the sidelines while he works until it’s convenient for him to give the TTC thing some attention.

OP posts:

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