I am grateful but also feel sad 😔

[Missymare]

Hi I’m quite new here. I am 40 and due to have a total hysterectomy next month, it’s been on the cards for a while. We have a DC who was conceived through IVF and I feel so lucky as we tried for 7 years to get pregnant but I had such severe endometriosis things were really difficult. I would have loved to have had at least one more child and now obviously that won’t happen and although we have discussed adoption my DP is just so happy that we had our DC (I am too of course). But why do I feel like there’s a sense of loss for the child/children I won’t be able to have? I went shopping the other day and felt so sad when I came to the baby section with all the prams and baby clothes. My DC has also asked why they don’t have a brother or sister. Sorry I don’t want to sound ungrateful I feel so lucky to have my DC so why do I feel like this?

”Why do I feel like this?”

Because you’re utterly normal. You wanted another baby / babies and unfortunately that choice has been taken away from you and that’s sad. You’re grieving for the life you wanted and imagined.

You in no way whatsoever sound ungrateful. Please don’t be hard on yourself. I hope you make a quick recovery from the surgery. Be gentle on yourself

Agree with the above post and think @NationMckinley has got it spot on. Really nice to see genuine compassion on here!
All the best with the operation! Do take care of yourself. I can imagine that it must feel hugely disappointing and nothing at all wrong with feeling a big loss.

It's normal to feel sad about what could have been. I know that feeling when you see proms or baby clothes, we made a conscious and permanent decision due to my eldest having autism (and being very hard to manage at the time) but I feel a hole. I'm actually investigating fostering at the moment.

Thank you @NationMcKinley my consultant has said my quality of life will be so much better after the operation just sad it means no more DC.

Definitely normal. I'm definitely not ready for another child but u can really empathise with what you said about walking through the baby section. Kids are everywhere and when you want another one, you really notice it, more than ever before.

100% not ungrateful, I think every person who chooses to have another child feels this desire, the only difference is you're not able to and hey are. Doesn't mean you don't love you're DC. Don't really have any solutions, just hang i there and hopefully you'll feel better.

It is possible to be grateful for what you have but still be sad for the life you were hoping to have. You deserve compassion and understanding. These feelings will pass in time. You need to be gentle with yourself in the meantime. I hope the surgery goes well.

Thank you all so much for responding I’m really glad I haven’t come across as ungrateful as our DC is our world and we feel so lucky that we have a child after what we went through. I Think it’s just all sinking in with the operation not being far off now.

Awww it's totally normal how you are feeling, hope it all goes well.

It's just that someone has told you that it can never happen. Us humans, especially mums, are problem solvers so we find 'never' very difficult to accept. All the best

I’m sharing this to show you how normal it is to feel as you do.

I have two dc 14 & 19, I’ve had 6 miscarriages all whilst on contraception, so obviously I was not trying to conceive . I have a sibling 11 years older then me so always wanted 4/5 dc, but finances wouldn’t allow it.

So even though I have two dc’s, and I was able to get pregnant very easily, we couldn’t have afforded nursery fees, losing my income and so on.

I have down days when my eldest is at his dads, and youngest feels like an only child. But I feel empty and I grieve for the those children that aren’t here.

So if I can get down and grieve, when I have what you want, it shows how you have every damn right to feel as you do. So don’t ever kid yourself that it’s wrong.

As it is I have several friends who stopped at 1/2 dc, due to financial too, and they all feel a loss and that there is gap in their family.

OP, Nation has it spot on and I can only echo what she says. Take care my lovely.

@NationMcKinley what lovely, compassionate words. I hope they've brought much comfort to OP here.

Hi

I too had ivf for my child and always thought I would be happy with one and people who struggled with secondary infertility I found unbearable at the time.

However I now get it. I won't be having a second child which makes me sad but also there's the pain of knowing my beloved child won't get a sibling. I feel like I'm letting her down.

So I completely understand. It's a loss and it will take time to get there. I find focusing on the benefits of an only child really helps. Take a look at the single child family board ☺

I had a hysterectomy 5 years ago (have 3dc following fertility treatment) but still felt the same as you - because I'd not decided I'd finished having children it had been decided for me. I mentioned it to a nurse a few days after surgery and she said many of her patients felt the same way and that I was just grieving for something now out of reach. I think what your voicing is more common than we think just people don't want others to think they are sounding ungrateful and so it isn't spoken about (apart from the nurse I've never mentioned it again - so I'm guilty of this too). Best wishes for surgery.

Thank you all so much for your support and @IsobelRae23 I’m so sorry for your losses (flowers) its helpful to know that I’m not alone in feeling like this. TBH I was worried about posting as I thought people would think what an ungrateful sod I was.

@IsobelRae23

I presume there is no way you can postpone the surgery and ttc?

I had a hysterectomy and felt really sad I could never have more children despite the fact that I was almost 100 per cent sure I had completed my family. In other words, while it was extremely unlikely I would have had more children, the surgery took the choice away from me. And it hit me much harder than I expected

My mum was really upset when she had a hysterectomy for similar reasons in her mid-40s, even though she’d completed her family 20 years before (with no fertility issues) and seemed to have no desire for any more. She actually went on to adopt a little while after with a new partner and they are happy. I had little sympathy for her at the time but do get it now - it was the definitive end of her fertile life, and she was losing her babies’ first home.

I’m very close in age to you op. Had dc young so I decided years ago I really don’t want to have anymore, neither does dp, but I still hate the idea of the choice being removed. If menopause hit me tomorrow it wouldn’t bother me, but I really struggle with the idea of being sterilised or similar and having that line drawn for me.

So in your own far further reaching situation you have every right to feel sad.

I had a hysterectomy week before last and the nurse warned before that I might feel like that as she said it’s very common and can often be a bit of a rollercoaster after surgery for a little bit.

Thank you all for your replies @Doryhunky I haven’t really got the choice to postpone as my endometriosis is so painful now and I’m struggling so much. I’ve waited as long as I can for the operation but my surgeon is saying because I have ovarian cysts too it’s not advisable for me to put it off any longer now :(. @PostNotInHaste I hope your recovery is going well

You don't sound ungrateful at all - it's absolutely normal to grieve for the loss of a life you thought you'd have.

Lots of love to you xx

Bless you, I think your are entirely normal to think like that. I wanted a third and had secondary infertility. I was crying in the fertility clinic and apologised. The lovely midwife so understanding. Yes your lucky but that doesn’t mean you can’t be sad too. The future you dreamed of isn’t going to be exactly how you pictured. You are grieving that dream.

Feel it and process it. Don’t feel guilty and dismiss it or it will just keep playing on your mind. It’s because it wasn’t your choice to stop.

Missymare totally normal to feel like this. I think you sound like me when I found I could not have a second baby, had years of treatment and no second baby.

My husband and I adopted over 5 years ago, it's not been easy, but I am glad we did it.

If you ever want to talk, please PM me, or pop over to the adoption boards here.

But, of course, you need to get over this surgery and recover from the hysterectomy, and I wish you all the very best for this.

OP, this is so normal .

I have 2 IVF DC and had 4 m/cs. I had always wanted 4 children but it just didn’t happen. I love my DC with all my heart but I will always grieve my missing DC and what could have been.

Be gentle on yourself and best wishes with the op x

How you're feeling is perfectly normal and natural, nothing wrong with it at all. Best wishes for your operation xxx