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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am grateful but also feel sad 😔

41 replies

Missymare · 22/09/2019 21:48

Hi I’m quite new here. I am 40 and due to have a total hysterectomy next month, it’s been on the cards for a while. We have a DC who was conceived through IVF and I feel so lucky as we tried for 7 years to get pregnant but I had such severe endometriosis things were really difficult. I would have loved to have had at least one more child and now obviously that won’t happen and although we have discussed adoption my DP is just so happy that we had our DC (I am too of course). But why do I feel like there’s a sense of loss for the child/children I won’t be able to have? I went shopping the other day and felt so sad when I came to the baby section with all the prams and baby clothes. My DC has also asked why they don’t have a brother or sister. Sorry I don’t want to sound ungrateful I feel so lucky to have my DC so why do I feel like this?

OP posts:

Underthepatio · 22/09/2019 23:21

I suffered from endometriosis and pcos. Despite trying everything I was unable to conceive apart from one time when I suffered a miscarriage at 6 weeks.

We were lucky enough to adopt three wonderful children aged 4 weeks, twelve months and four months when we had them, so three babies. I always had a hope that I would fall pregnant and have a late baby so when I had to have a hysterectomy I was sad knowing it would never happen. However I can't describe how much the surgery improved my quality of life. I felt better from the moment I woke up after the surgery. Until I felt well I hadn't realised how debilitating the endometriosis had been.

These days they don't suggest having a hysterectomy unless it is absolutely necessary. It's normal to feel sad but I'm sure you'll feel great afterwards and maybe even consider adoption. I know it's not for everyone but I am so grateful for our children and have recently become a Grandma.

I wish you all the best.

ozymandiusking · 22/09/2019 23:22

Please make sure you take HRT. Even if they leave your ovaries they decline very quickly and hardly produce oestrogen.
You wont need hrt with progesterone when you have had a hysterectomy.
I had my op at the age of 40, nearly 70 now. and doing ok.
Good luck

TheBouquets · 23/09/2019 00:10

I already had children and realised that I was not going to have time to have my dream family.

I could not bear to put up with the H any more either.
When the menopause hit me I was so upset about not ever going to be able to have any more children.
Years later I meet a lovely man and I was sorry that I could not have children with him. He has DC and has a great relationship with them.
I accepted my situation I was much too old and long past the menopause. One of his family had a baby and again I was so upset that this would never happen for me now.
It is a huge thing to lose a working womb whether it be by surgery or general ageing and we are entitled to have a little ponder about it all and maybe even other feelings too.
WE are grateful for what we have but we are human and do think about what might have been
Hope your op goes well and helps the problems

Catsandchardonnay · 23/09/2019 00:18

You are completely normal and not ungrateful at all. You are grieving for the second child you would have liked to have. No-one else can tell you how you should feel, it is unique to you. Maybe try some counselling? In time when you’ve recovered from your op, maybe you could talk to DH again about adoption?

manicmij · 23/09/2019 00:20

You have your DD after all the struggles you went through. Whilst understandable to feel you have been dealt an unfair hand in having to have surgery, do you genuinely believe you would have gone on to have another child? Cherish your DD life doesn't even give that to some or gives it then cruelly takes it away.

mathanxiety · 23/09/2019 00:50

If we could all just turn our feelings on and off according to the 'shoulds' and 'musts' wouldn't life be so straightforward and uncomplicated...

BringMeAGinandTonic · 23/09/2019 01:10

I don't have advice but just wanted to send hugs.

SeaToSki · 23/09/2019 01:11

Dear OP, I am 7 months post hysterectomy for endometriosis, it was a good decision for me, the lack of pain and blood loss has made such a huge difference in my day to day life. I hope you have a good recovery and can come to a place of peace with the decision you are making

Oh and definitely consider having your ovaries out and taking HRT, the lack of progesterone is very helpful in stopping the endo from sneaking back

Italiangreyhound · 23/09/2019 02:41

The fact others suffer losses doesn't mean we have to ignore our own feelings. I always felt bad for feeling bad that I wanted another child but actually it is very normal to want more than one child. It's OK to feel a sense of sadness at not being able to have things how you had hoped for them to be.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 23/09/2019 02:49

It's definitely hard to have the choice taken away.

Take the time you need to feel sad about this and allow yourself to feel what you feel.

Maybe consider therapy even if it's just a few sessions to get your head round it.

dentalphobia · 23/09/2019 03:38

It's like a bereavement of your hopes for another DC. Go easy on yourself, it's a tough time.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 23/09/2019 04:10

"It's like a bereavement"

It's not like a bereavement at all and saying it is is really insensitive to people who have lost children.

Landlubber2019 · 23/09/2019 04:26

My lovely friend was in your position 6 months ago, she is the kindest, least selfish person I know. She has 1 child, which is all she had ever wanted. It was hard to watch my friend cry as she acknowledged that a 2nd child was now beyond reach, she was also apprehensive as this is such a big op. I am pleased to say, she is now at peace with what happened, her op went well and she is doing ok. Good luck, you have been dealt a shitty hand and it's not wrong to feel sad

StoppinBy · 23/09/2019 04:37

We were lucky enough to have two children naturally and I knew that I didn't want another one (I had given away baby stuff the minute my youngest grew out of them etc). My husband was booked in to have the snip and I was happy about it but despite all that when he finally had it done I was sad that we would never get another chance even if we wanted to. I guess the point is, you are far more justified in feeling sad than I was but I still felt sad, I can only imagine how you feel.

It might be worth talking to someone (professional or not) who will really listen to you so you have a chance to talk through your feelings properly. Loving and being grateful for one child doesn't mean that you can't feel sad that you wont get the second (or more) chil that you badly wanted xx

AJPTaylor · 23/09/2019 06:12

I had a hysterectomy and can honestly say that it was the best thing I ever did. The difference in the quality of life was like night and day. Hopefully you will find that what you can do so much more with your child and really enjoy their childhood.

dentalphobia · 23/09/2019 08:02

"It's like a bereavement"

It's not like a bereavement at all and saying it is is really insensitive to people who have lost children.

Quote me properly - I said: It's like a bereavement of your hopes'

and it is exactly like that.

I have experienced bereavement (of a child) and infertility and both were grieving processes.

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