Grieving or wallowing? And will it ever end?

[Wineismysaviour1]

Two months ago I found out that after several years of trying to get pregnant, and multiple rounds of fertility treatment, I’m never going to have kids. Although I have a good life in many ways, having kids is the only thing I’ve known for certain I ever wanted. And yet I didn’t really feel anything when I got that final call from the clinic to say it hadn't worked, except resignation. I’m 40 now, I know the stats and I guess I had been preparing myself for this and just got on with things, worked hard and perhaps drank a bit more wine than usual. To the extent that a couple of my friends questioned whether I was allowing myself to grieve properly.

Then this weekend I had a free weekend so I decided to go for a hike on my own. I started thinking about the life I wanted and am never going to have. Normally I’d switch my thoughts to something else, or listen to some music or a podcast, but instead I let myself think about it. I started crying and haven’t stopped since. Proper ugly hyperventilating crying. I’ve cried so much, my face is raw and the tears hurt my cheeks. Sometimes crying makes me feel better but this time I feel worse. I feel totally miserable, alone, angry, needy, vulnerable, resentful of my friends who have kids, resentful of them for not reaching out (how would they know? They think I’m ok). I know that objectively I’m being totally irrational and crazy. And on top of that I feel guilty for wallowing, guilty for feeling like this, because it’s not like anyone has died. But at the same time so deep in shitty feelings that I can't imagine this will ever end.

Is this what ‘grieving properly’ means? Where is the line between grieving and wallowing and full-on repression of feelings? Where do I go from here? Is repressing your feelings really such a bad thing? Because from where I’m standing right now, it looks like a pretty good option...

You are grieving. And do you know what. It’s totally allowed.

You’ve had some really shitty news. Really shitty.

I can understand and empathise to some extent because my body doesn’t do what it was made for. Not to your extent. But it doesn’t work.

I can understand the feelings of why me, it’s not fair and all of those.

Grieve, wail if you need to. Be a total snotty mess.

It’s not wallowing.

Be kind to yourself x

I'm in a very similar situation and have been since 1997 when I stopped using contraception. And you are absolutely not wallowing.

I posted the other day about being menopausal and realising that it will really never happen and that's brought all those emotions back to the surface so please don't beat yourself up

Wallow OP. Wallow away, as long as you feel like you still can get out of bed in the morning and go on and you have some real life support if you feel like you need it. If i was you I would do exactly the same.
It's totally minimal compared to your news but when I had a miscarriage I did what you did and went to work while I was losing my baby. Worked all week while avoiding people asking me if I was ok and then wallowed all weekend. Ugly crying, ugly drinking, ugly eating, irrational anger in all directions. Let yourself feel.

I have no words but your pain is evident from your post, do what gets you through it.

That's really really shit. Let yourself grieve for as long as you feel those feelings. There is no right way to do this and no timeline to stick to.

I'm in the same situation, OP.

I seem to still be stuck fast in the 'numb' stage at the moment, it sort of feels unreal. I think we're allowed to feel however we are feeling.

There's no wrong or right.

Cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

There are many stages of grief, I think this is too big a thing to be made better by a 10 minute cry..... and I suspect that when you normally feel better after a cry, it’s because it wasn’t as big as this thing is.

It is a hard, hard thing, and you have every right to feel sad, justifiably so.

Reach out to a friend, even if they can’t completely understand- a good friend will understand your need to let it out and let you do it for long enough before they wipe your tears and make you a cuppa.

Oh love. You are being so hard on yourself. You're grieving for the future you aren't going to have. And that's awful and painful and you have been bottling it up. It's good that it's coming out, honestly.

If you don't allow it to come out, it comes out in other ways. Anger or spitefulness or addiction or something. You can't bury this level of intensity of pain and it not hurt you. It always manifests itself it one way or another.

Grieve all you need.

Honestly OP please do whatever you feel you need to do. Crying can be a cathartic release, it’s not wallowing - it’s coping.

@cannotwaitanylonger I'm sure the OP knows adoption exists. Adoption isn't an immediate or easy Plan B for those that are infertile, you know.

@marzipan apologies, I didn't mean to offend

OP I haven't been through what you have, but I have been through a bereavement, which is what this is. Honestly, I think you just need to feel it.

Grief is a bitch. You'll have good days (enjoy these, and don't feel guilty about it) and bad days (just do what you need to get through them, sometimes you will just need to stop and have some time out).

You're not wallowing. You won't always feel like this. There will be better days, but this bit is shit and that's ok.

When I experienced a sudden and devastating loss I went back to my parents'. I didn't even want to talk to them, they were just there. I didn't want to eat or drink (except wine, of which they had plenty) but mum made me endless, untouched cups of tea and toast until after about four days I did fancy tea and toast. I noticed that I didn't wake up and burst into tears straight away and then I didn't cry myself to sleep. It was nothing I or anybody else did, it just sort of happened. I felt it was completely out of my control as I don't feel I was very proactive in not feeling sad, it all just happened when it happened. Sorry, I am really waffling. I'm just saying that I basically didn't even consider how I was feeling, I just felt it. I didn't wonder if I was grieving or if I should be doing x, y or z. One thing that I realise how though is that I would never again feel as sad as I did at first. Time is really the only thing that helps sometimes.
Just feel how you feel and know that that is ok. One day you will feel slightly less like this, and so on, until you can be almost back to yourself again. Good luck lovely.

Grieving is totally normal and fine.

Wallowing is, I think, when you are actively seeking out or stirring up your feelings of grief. You don't sound like you're doing that at all. Let yourself grieve. Be prepared for it to take longer than you expect and hit you again at odd and unexpected times. But also, know that it won't always feel like it did day.

So sorry OP. It’s definitely not wallowing. It’s horrific. I’m going through the same thing this weekend. Moving from numb to all out crying. Babies and family advertising everywhere. Even grandparent advertising v painful realising I’m kind of cut out of those bits of family trees now too. Yuck and the people not understanding is awful, I swear people would show more concern if I’d lost a purse or phone. Take good care of yourself

As others have said, you are grieving. Let it come, know the ferocity will calm, although it will return. You will come to a place where you live alongside the loss. But the loss is there. You have acknowledged it and not numbed it so it is coming full force. Connection is a powerful healer so try to connect with a trustworthy person. Someone who will sit with you, quietly in your pain. Take care ((((((hug)))))))

You are being extremely unkind to yourself. It sounds like you have been through hell. You need to grieve and wallow and then get angry and all of the rest of it. Non3 of this is your fault. It is shit and unfair. Do what you need to do.

There is a Ted talk about grief (linked below) where the speaker says that those that grieve do not move on. Rather they move forward, carrying their grief as it is now a part of them. It's well worth watching. I think that you will learn to live with this loss (I have) but it will pop back from time to time, as there will always be that gap. I do not mean to sound negative as I am reasonably content but this is my reality.

And no, adoption will never change that particular loss, so please don't suggest to people who've experienced this.

All of what you are saying makes absolute sense!
Opening the floodgates of grief can be very difficult.
For me, I was worried that if I started to cry, I may not stop. I don't know if that echoes with you.
If you want to, ring your GP in the morning and get signed off for a while so you have some space to feel whatever you want to (or you may want to go to work and 'keep busy' - it's an individual thing.)
Anyone with half a heart would understand that you've been through the mill, and that it's ok to feel that way.
I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt.

Thinking of you @Wineismysaviour1. Allow yourself to grieve and make time for yourself to. Cry as much as you need to and don't bottle up the feelings. I understand how hard it is to go through fertility treatment. I would recommend counselling it could help you deal with the loss, there are specialist fertility councillors who can support you speak to your gp or the fertility clinic they can help you access this service.

Your grieving, I've always found that for me it builds up inside and then the slightest thing set it off.
I remember my gp telling me it was good to cry.

Take care

I'm not sure that I know how to express this properly, but it seems to me like you have experienced the deaths of all the children you hoped to have. That's a loss in the same way as a miscarriage or a stillbirth and it's a huge, devastating thing.
Try not to expect too much of yourself for a while, and let this be what it is, by which I mean, don't try to minimise it or push it away. I also think that counselling would help, especially if you feel awkward about offloading to family and friends.

@Trainwardrobe we lost our twin embryo babies this weekend too ( another thread). Really thought it would work this time, knew I lost after bad cramps and sick. Sending hugs to everyone experiencing this horrendous loss.