Grieving or wallowing? And will it ever end?

[Wineismysaviour1]

Two months ago I found out that after several years of trying to get pregnant, and multiple rounds of fertility treatment, I’m never going to have kids. Although I have a good life in many ways, having kids is the only thing I’ve known for certain I ever wanted. And yet I didn’t really feel anything when I got that final call from the clinic to say it hadn't worked, except resignation. I’m 40 now, I know the stats and I guess I had been preparing myself for this and just got on with things, worked hard and perhaps drank a bit more wine than usual. To the extent that a couple of my friends questioned whether I was allowing myself to grieve properly.

Then this weekend I had a free weekend so I decided to go for a hike on my own. I started thinking about the life I wanted and am never going to have. Normally I’d switch my thoughts to something else, or listen to some music or a podcast, but instead I let myself think about it. I started crying and haven’t stopped since. Proper ugly hyperventilating crying. I’ve cried so much, my face is raw and the tears hurt my cheeks. Sometimes crying makes me feel better but this time I feel worse. I feel totally miserable, alone, angry, needy, vulnerable, resentful of my friends who have kids, resentful of them for not reaching out (how would they know? They think I’m ok). I know that objectively I’m being totally irrational and crazy. And on top of that I feel guilty for wallowing, guilty for feeling like this, because it’s not like anyone has died. But at the same time so deep in shitty feelings that I can't imagine this will ever end.

Is this what ‘grieving properly’ means? Where is the line between grieving and wallowing and full-on repression of feelings? Where do I go from here? Is repressing your feelings really such a bad thing? Because from where I’m standing right now, it looks like a pretty good option...

You are allowed to grieve for the children you thought you were going to have and won’t. You really are. There will come a day you will feel able to let your grief go and things will get better. Good luck my lovely.

To the poster who suggested adoption - the OP needs to fully grieve the loss of her biological parenthood before she can even contemplate going down that path should she wish to. It’s not helpful to suggest it at this stage.

I've been in a very similar situation and actually people talking about adoption to me was helpful. The person who mentioned it was just opening up a discussion not saying current feelings aren't valid/ not saying it is the same as having a birth child/ not saying it's a quick process but possibly reminding OP that there may be hope in this situation.
It doesn't mean she ought to adopt or anything like that. Of course she knows adoption exists but she might be feeling in such a black place that she cannot see the wood for the trees and in the darkest of times, thoughts that I might be able to adopt some day kept me going. We are all different. But yes, right is the time to grieve and come to terms with such huge life altering news. Take care.

Adoption isn't for everyone and it isn't without its heartbreak either. It can take years to complete the process and not everyone gets through.
OP has had years of heartbreak and so have others. It may help OP to hear about adoption but coming to terms with this loss is more important than thinking about plan B to desperately get a child. I went through it this weekend jumped straight into thinking about plan Band it suddenly hit me that I've lost our possible last chance of a baby.

You are not wallowing you are grieving. Wallowing is often used to suggest indulgence and has negative associations. Grieving is painful and necessary, repressed grief can be very destructive.

Have you thought of bereavement counselling? When I was bereaved I cried, sobbed and wailed until I couldn’t breathe, and then I stopped myself because I thought I wouldn’t stop crying and I would die.

But repressing my grief caused me to have panic attacks and I couldn’t breathe again so went to my GP and bereavement counselling. Over a course of weeks she brought out my grief in a safe and controlled way. I felt like I was literally unfurling, the pain moved up from my stomach to my chest and out.

We are allowed to grieve, hell we are allowed to wallow for a while if we want to, and we are allowed to say how we feel, scream that it is not fair, have envious thoughts of others who have what we do not. But for some reason we feel we need to be brave or dignified in our grief.

For me, counselling helped to heal me.

Thank you so much for understanding, you lovely lot, you’ve made me cry again.

And I’m sorry to hear from those of you in the same position as me or who have lost pregnancies. It is really shit.

@imnotbent I can totally relate to that feeling of not being able to stop crying. It does scare me as I thought I’d be able to have a cathartic cry then go back to feeling like I did before - ie not great but coping. But I’m on the floor. And worried about holding it together at work tomorrow.

Plus I’ll have a hangover. Ironically I thought letting myself feel all the shitness would stop me drinking, but today after 24 hours of crying I drank a bottle of wine by myself staring at midday, which is obviously a terrible idea on every level. And made me realise I’m really not in control anymore.

@Wineismysaviour1 it really hurts so much I understand but blocking it out with achohol wont help the grief. You need to feel the shitness and the hurt to fully grieve, you will get through it, not right away it takes time but eventually it will be ok. It's the grief and alcohol that is making you feel out of control of the situation. It's ok to feel shit. Take time off work, see a counsellor, talk about your loss to a close friend but please don't feel alone.

As other posters have said, you're grieving. And you have been brave enough to allow your deep-seated, gut-wrenching feelings to the surface. But now you need some help because it's too hard for you to go through this on your own. So get some counselling and work through this in a safe environment. Maybe sometime in the future you'll be able to turn all your maternal passion into something positive but for now just focus on you.