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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fighting already!

44 replies

Lovelife2407 · 22/09/2019 18:29

Christmas every year i am persuaded VERY much against my will, to go to inlaws. MIL always insists because she and FIL are old, (they are in thier 90s and have been saying for years that they might snuff it at any time) family commitment etc. Thing is she has mental health issues and for 20 years has blighted my entire life. She has excessive needs to be in control over everything and everybody. Any shift away from that and she becomes unbearable (endless aggressive phone calls- we just hang up) etc. All the usual things don't work with her. i just go for avoidance mostly.
This year again, the command to attend has been issued.And the demanding and ordering have intensified along with the demands that i honour family ties. i have said i'm not going. Husband and children want to go! the children )15 and 12)have no idea how much i have prevented them from being subjected to over the years.
So either i go again, when all i've wanted for 20 years is Christmas at home, or the rest of my family go and i'm left here without them.
My plan is go and somewhere along the line (knowing full well the hell that it will unleash) tell them that all i have ever wanted is Christmas at home.
Any thoughts on this (that don't involve my rights etc, or talking to them) neither of which have any chance of sucess!

OP posts:
TheAlternativeTentacle · 22/09/2019 18:31

Let them go, spent a nice quiet time at home and then they will learn the hard way.

Shoutouttomyspecs · 22/09/2019 18:35

I wouldn’t go .id rather sit in myself

sonjadog · 22/09/2019 18:38

Let them go. Relax and watch tv on Christmas Day. If you go there will never be any change. There has to be a first time.

Galaxygirl93 · 22/09/2019 18:40

If they are in their 90s, then they may well not be around in a few years time. As you have already done the same for the past 20 years I can understand the DH and childrens reluctance to change.

bluebeck · 22/09/2019 18:45

shoutout I read that as I would rather shit myself, and I was nodding along Xmas Grin

OP - You have done more than enough. Nobody likes a martyr. Do you have family or friends you can spend the day with? If not, have it alone, and do exactly what you want to do.

When DH is exposed to ILS without you to absorb it all over Christmas he might not want to do it again anyway!

Don't make a big deal of it - just say that's fine, you go there, I am staying home. How you have withstood this for so long is beyond me.

Original poster
Lovelife2407 · 22/09/2019 18:47

update - DH went to visit her and told her i wasn't going (i was biding my time on this one). She has just called with the emotional black mail and demanded that i go. And she wonders why i don't want to go! 20 years of this has left me worn out.
My plan is to have an urgent need to be somewhere else, just before. Anything else would be too obvious. (when i said before that i was going to see my own family, she insisted that they go to her house with us-my family wouldn't go within 100 miles of them)

OP posts:
SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 18:50

Stick to your guns. I wouldn’t go in a million years... I wouldn’t care if she had one minute left to live!

Original poster
Lovelife2407 · 22/09/2019 18:52

blue-i've only put up with it because i just can't find a way out. I've been told it would give them great pain to keep their grandchildren from them at this special time, and how selfish to stop them being with their cousins because I am so delicate (i'm not at, just at a loss to deal with this woman, who has worn away all my courage).

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 22/09/2019 18:59

So your dh went running to tell her you aren't coming for Christmas (in 3 months), knowing that she'd up the ante and try and make you feel like shit about it?

Make your own plans. Have a fantastic Christmas breakfast with your kids and then wave them off to Granny's. If you are unable to spend time with your parents or siblings, get yourself some really indulgent food in and select a boxset to watch in your Christmas PJs.

Hoppinggreen · 22/09/2019 19:02

Anyone insisting or demanding I do something pretty much guarantees I won’t be doing it.
How far away do they live? Can you spend the morning all together at home and them DH and the dc go for lunch? What does your DH think? Does he think you should go every year?

bluebeck · 22/09/2019 19:10

OP I think you have a DH problem to be honest.....

How does he justify the fact you have never been able to spend Christmas with your parents/family?

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 22/09/2019 19:13

Stay at home. Let them go. Wine pizza and Netflix. Sounds like a wonderful quiet day. I’m sorry u are in this position. But if u keep going it’s just going to go on and on

TriciaH87 · 22/09/2019 19:19

How far away from you do they live because if its far enough to NEED to drive this would be my plan. Stock up on supplies for a nice boxing day family Christmas meal at home so the family think nothing of it(reason to follow). Puncture a tyre during the night so when you all go to leave..... Oh no what a shame looks like we can't go any where. Best get that boxing day dinner in the oven and fast.

Tighnabruaich · 22/09/2019 19:37

So, during your married life, you've never spent Christmas in your own home, or at your own relatives? Every year at the in-laws? That's not fair. From day one, we alternated - one year with the in-laws, next year at home. Some years, we went abroad and had Christmas in the sun.

Personally, this year, if I were you, I'd wave DH and kids off with a smile, and then hunker down for a very self-indulgent couple of days doing what makes me happy.

Thinkingoutloud13 · 22/09/2019 19:41

So every year you are miserable because you give in and do as you are bid. Yes they are old and they won’t have many Christmas left with the children but your children are getting older and you won’t get the opportunity to have many at home with them either and it sounds like you have already missed out on being able to ever have that.
Sorry it’s time you and your husband become a team and he stood up for you and told her she can see them Boxing Day or another day but Christmas Day you are staying at home, your life is also too short to be miserable

mummabear18 · 22/09/2019 19:47

Let your kids see what she's truly like...

Bluetrews25 · 22/09/2019 20:04

Why not see your family (have them round if you really don't want to go out) as, after all, 'they are getting old and they might not be around much longer'?
Not wishing anything bad on your family, of course, but ILs need to realise they are not the only ones in the older generation, and it would be very appropriate to reflect their own reasoning back at them. If it applies to them, it also applies to your family. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, and all that.
Good luck, OP.

BackforGood · 22/09/2019 20:56

I'd have thought a fairly obvious way would be to say you (and your dc?) also have a family who would also like to spend time with you at Christmas and, due to you giving in for 20 years, they have NEVER had that opportunity, and you are putting your foot down this year.

HomewardHound · 22/09/2019 20:59

They’ve had the first twenty years, your Ps get the next twenty...

sonjadog · 22/09/2019 21:38

Why do you need to find a way out? There is no argument that is going to make her agree to this. So you just don't go. Refuse to get in the car. Is your husband going to pick you up and carry you there against your will? I assume (and hope) not. Just say no. No arguments, no comments. She can rant and wail all she likes but they are just words. She can't actually physically make you do what she wants. It sounds like you have given her all your power. Take it back.

SandAndSea · 22/09/2019 21:46

I would just go about my business. Maybe you could book yourself into something for the Christmas period? Have some me time?

TitcHt48 · 23/09/2019 13:14

Ha you one manage to get me help removing people sitting blocking public footpath leaving funeral people to walk on the road cos we are scared help needed

TitcHt48 · 23/09/2019 13:15

No meant pedestrians walking on the road

Thegrasscouldbegreener · 23/09/2019 13:50

Op how far? If it is just a few minutes. I would compromise. Lunch only and morning and evening at home.

If they are far away, I would be tempted to wave the others on their way, and spend christmas with your own family (of course also giving them the option to come with you if they want to) Why isn't your dh talking to you and agreeing what to do as a couple? I would have a real problem with my dh running to Mummy before we even agreed as a family.y.y

SilverySurfer · 23/09/2019 16:11

Not going into boring detail but I was guilted into spending every Christmas with people not of my choice. Now I spend it alone with the very best food and drink and enjoy every minute.

You say you can't find a way out but that's because you have been brainwashed and made to feel so guilty and obligated that if you don't go the world might come to an end... except it won't. All that will happen is that your MiL will have hysterics and scream and cry which you will ignore and what can she do?

Oh and tell your DH to stop running to mummy. Tell him to find his balls and support you.

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