Christmas fighting already!

[Lovelife2407]

Christmas every year i am persuaded VERY much against my will, to go to inlaws. MIL always insists because she and FIL are old, (they are in thier 90s and have been saying for years that they might snuff it at any time) family commitment etc. Thing is she has mental health issues and for 20 years has blighted my entire life. She has excessive needs to be in control over everything and everybody. Any shift away from that and she becomes unbearable (endless aggressive phone calls- we just hang up) etc. All the usual things don't work with her. i just go for avoidance mostly.
This year again, the command to attend has been issued.And the demanding and ordering have intensified along with the demands that i honour family ties. i have said i'm not going. Husband and children want to go! the children )15 and 12)have no idea how much i have prevented them from being subjected to over the years.
So either i go again, when all i've wanted for 20 years is Christmas at home, or the rest of my family go and i'm left here without them.
My plan is go and somewhere along the line (knowing full well the hell that it will unleash) tell them that all i have ever wanted is Christmas at home.
Any thoughts on this (that don't involve my rights etc, or talking to them) neither of which have any chance of sucess!

How awful. They've robbed you of ever having a Christmas at home with your children. Why won't your DH budge? He's had his way for 20 years and I'd be furious at him over this.

OP ...Incase you have forgotten you are a woman,a mother ,a wife and more to the point you can do as you bloody well please without seeking permission from any one.I you don;t want to go don;t go.No sorry that doesnt work for me this year thanks MIL ...and you can cut the bullshit before you start cos I am tired and I need a rest! end of.Now MIL stop making a show out of yourself with this begging and blackmail I have told you once I will not tell you again...Let everyone else go do their thing and you do yours ..your rights are equal to theirs in what you want to do.So do as you please,,,for you.

the children (15 and 12)have no idea how much i have prevented them from being subjected to over the years.

In what way? If you aren't there are they likely to think "OMG this is a nightmare no wonder Mum didn't want to come" or are they likely to blame you because it is suddenly shit this year?

In any case I agree that you should be firm. Don't stop them going if they want to but arrange either to be with your family or at home having a nice time alone.

If DH complains can you point out that it is not remotely fair that you have spent every single Christmas with his family and never with your own or in your own home.

Update- will go for one of the ideas about suddenly not being able to attend.
DH has always sided with me and stood up to her, but after a life time of this extreme emotional black mail, he is worn out! He feels that he should see them sometimes, so goes on his own. I had said i wasn't going, and asked him to tell her, but i thought later on.
We don't answer the phone or her emails. When she gets other friends and family to call us to persuade us, we politely decline. I have to say it is utterly exhausting. When she calls the Police and tells them to check up on us, we politely invite them in and suggest they check on the children.
When we do attend an occasion with ILS, i just need to formulate a plan of action for when she comes up to me and says in her deep, booming, threatening voice 'YOU ARE COMING TO x occasion aren't you?', as this is now the only time she can get to me.
Each time we do speak to her, the nice chat suddenly turns to a command that we attend the next thing, and it's exhausting.
I plan to have form an army of helpers on my side, to help me with this before i burn out. I'm forwarding the emails to my mum to sift through. DH will only take one phone call a week from ILS .

Send DH alone, tell the children you are seeing granny and grandpa Y for a change as they haven't had Xmas with them yet and won't be around forever.

If you continue to pander and just try with excuses it'll never end and - who knows - they may have a letter from the queen before you get an Xmas to yourselves.

Stop making up excuses. There’s no need to lie to her, in fact by trying to do that you’re still giving her absolute power over you. You’re a grown woman, you’re perfectly entitled not to give in to the demands of an unstable, controlling and otherwise wholly unreasonable individual. She can get as angry/hurt/offended as likes, you don’t have to let it bother you! She’s in her 90s, what’s she actually going to do? Nothing! A load of empty blackmail and shit which you can just disengage from.

Just say you’re not going.

You’ll have a great time relaxing over Christmas.

You need to stand firm against her and not go. She has had your company at Christmas for 20 years! Start thinking about yourself and what you want!

Have your kids ever had xmas at home, or with your parents?

Could you not go to your parents this year. Present it to the children as they have to go there rather than the PILs as they never have spent Christmas with your family. Then tell DH he can go with you or go to PILs alone but you and the DC are not up for discussion this year.

Crosspost with PooBum

Go to your parents or have them around to yours. Just tell MIL that's it's not her turn this year.

"Christmas every year i am persuaded VERY much against my will, to go to inlaws."
You have a choice and you choose to accept the invitation to your ILS. I understand MIL makes it difficult for you but life is full of difficult decisions.

"i just go for avoidance mostly."
This is the problem. You are the problem, not MIL. You just need to accept this and then stop using avoidance.

"So either i go again, when all i've wanted for 20 years is Christmas at home, or the rest of my family go and i'm left here without them."

1. What about asking your DH and DC to stay at home with you as a change to always going to ILS? Tell them this is what you really want.
2. Invite your parents to yours? (Maybe your DC feel it won't be any different from normal unless there are others there).
3. Could you, your DH and DC to go to your parents' instead?
4. Book Christmas dinner out with whoever you want there except ILS.

"My plan is go and somewhere along the line (knowing full well the hell that it will unleash) tell them that all i have ever wanted is Christmas at home.
Sounds a bit cruel to say that, even if MIL is a nightmare. Say you fancy staying home as a family by all means but not that that's all you've ever wanted. You don't need to infer you've never wanted to go to theirs for Christmas (even though it's the truth).

Any thoughts on this (that don't involve my rights etc, or talking to them) neither of which have any chance of sucess!"
There are no options beside talking to them and telling them. You are being really childish. I would just discuss with DH and DC and then inform ILS of your decision. End of.

Come on. You can do it. Take some responsibility and control back over your own life.

She calls the police to check up on you? And you still go round to visit?

Oh god - what about your family?? why is it so one sided??

Myself & My DH separate at Christmas - have never spent one together in 8 years! I want to be with my family & he wants to be with his! Except last year we spent Christmas day on a flight to Asia and skipped Christmas entirely!

We will probably re-think it once we have kids - but tbh its only one day would happily just still seperate even post kids to keep the mammies happy - we can just have our own Christmas another day why does it even have to be the actual day??

You could just celebrate Christmas with Husband & kids on the 26th and let his in laws have the day - you just relax at home !

Stop engaging with this topic now it's too early and not worth the chat and arguments - then just don't go on the day and leave it at that!

So if it does unleash a shit storm and you all end up falling out and then not speaking, you, OP, and it sounds like your DH too will be greatly relieved! What is wrong with that?
The only danger is that you give in to the tantrum and appease the dictator!

I think, if DH and DC want to go, let them. Spend that time at home preparing your perfect ever Christmas Day to have it on Boxing Day, just you and your own family.

But what about your parents/side of the family? What do they think about this? How on earth can your dh justify the fact that his mother has had her own way for 20 years? Where is the fairness in that??

Can you not all go to your parents this year? Then when ILs ask why you can say "because none of us have seen MY parents in over twenty years. They are just as important." Then the following year, you can go to your parents or stay home as the habit will be broken. Honestly, I'd even be tempted to say you're going to your parents every year and then "last minute" you decide to just stay home (obvs as long as your family and mum etc know you're staying home, just use it as an excuse for the ILs)

At the very least, OP, don't go to theirs this year. She'll ruin everyone's Christmas at theirs because she'll be too busy crying and attacking you, but one iffy Christmas in return of plenty of Xmas' where none of you will even think of going... priceless. She'll end up sealing her own fate.

Honestly, life is too short to spend xmas with people like this. I did it for over ten years and hate xmas with a passion now. All I wanted was xmas in my own home instead of the pil's big dark, damp, cold, mildewy house eating old food and sleeping in a bed with sheets of dubious cleanliness, endless boredom, dull conversations and meaningless family anecdotes.

Bitter, much? You bet I am.

Do your own thing. I bloody wish I had.