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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visiting in laws

61 replies

anglepoise1 · 22/09/2019 12:28

My aging in-laws have recently moved to the same town which has been great for them and us. They are in a much better house and the location has much better amenities.

They're 10 mins walk from our house.

They've been looking after our youngest one day a week and the eldest after school, mainly at our home as it took a while to move into their new house, but it's nearer to the school plus the kids have all their toys etc.

A very small but slightly irritating question to me:

AIBU to expect them to ring the door bell if they pop round for any reason? Or like today, they've come round for lunch.

My family would ring the door bell, and I would too. My mum felt it was important that they do this as did a friend, before they moved up. If my parents lived nearby they would do so, and do so at my sibling's house who they live near.

I never knew it would annoy me as much as it does when they just wander in! I think it's my upbringing v theirs?

And I'm really not sure how to broach the issue. I feel it's been happening for too long now to say anything (a few months.)

OP posts:

supersop60 · 22/09/2019 13:18

If you are in, they should knock/ring. It's polite.
They have the key for when you are not there.
I'd be tempted to be undressed one day, and embarrass them when they strode in!

Gustavo1 · 22/09/2019 13:18

I would just say that you would prefer they ring the bell if you are home so you “can be sure you’re decent.” No more discussion or explanations. You could be on the loo, changing a tip that got splashed, swearing at the oven or just having a tense discussion with DH. All things I would prefer people didn’t just appear while I was doing them.

Knittingnanny · 22/09/2019 13:22

Im with you on this this. I look after one grandchild one day a week and 2 others after school twice a week. I have keys to both houses as do the child care in their own homes. I always knock if they are in and never just go in. It’s over stepping boundaries and they do the same when they come to our house even though they have their own keys.
One of their houses is the old family home where they lived with dad and their late mum but even he doesn’t just go in without knocking.
Just ask/tell them, it needn’t be a big thing.

Nanny0gg · 22/09/2019 13:27

I always knock or ring the doorbell when visiting my DCs and I do have keys. I may not wait for them to answer but I always 'announce' my arrival.
They do the same for me

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/09/2019 13:29

I'd happily walk into my parent's house and just shout hello as I crossed the threshold. Anybody else I knock on the door. I would never expect my parents, children or in-laws to knock but I appreciate some people are very different.

possumgoddess · 22/09/2019 13:31

My mum always said that it was ok for any of her children to walk into her house unannounced, but she would never just walk into our houses. Even though she said that neither myself not my siblings would just do that, we would always ring her to let her know we are coming and we would always call hello from the door before walking in if she knew we were coming. She wanted us to know that we always had somewhere to go in an emergency whether she was expecting us or not, but we would give her the courtesy of having enough warning to get decent if she was in the bathroom when we arrived. I would hate anybody just to walk into my house. My children know they are always welcome, as are their children, and they have keys to my house, but they would always give me a quick call to let me know before turning up and always shout hello when opening the front door.

lakeloveragain · 22/09/2019 13:33

If you know someone's coming especially family then why can't they just walk in? I always walk into my parents without knocking.

Twickerhun · 22/09/2019 13:34

My in laws did this. I told them I’m sometimes naked in the living room if I’m not expected visitors and if they don’t knock they might see more than they bargained for.
They now knock.

tillytrotter1 · 22/09/2019 13:37

I have a key to our daughter's house but would never not knock or ring the bell, even if we were expected.

SauvignonBlanche · 22/09/2019 13:40

You need to start walking round naked, that’ll learn them

Peachee · 22/09/2019 13:41

Have you got a door whereby you can put a key in both sides so you can stop someone using their key from the outside?

VladmirsPoutine · 22/09/2019 13:42

Maybe it's because I've always lived in cities rather than the sticks but that someone can leave their door unlocked really does astound me. It's something I came across on Mumsnet and was horrified!

BertrandRussell · 22/09/2019 13:44

I’m fascinated by the locked door. During the day mine is almost always unlocked and usually open while i’m In- people don’t burgle obviously occupied houses in broad daylight, so they? Or do they?

GreenTulips · 22/09/2019 13:50

Great aunt had her bag taken because the door was unlocked. Lost a lot of money. So yes they do burgle.

Another friends neighbour was a drinker and she’s sneak into random houses for booze. (She was found passed out in someone’s living room)

So yes lock the doors

But I agree although there are friends where I’d let myself in, I stand in the hall shouting hello? So they know I’m here and wait in the hall for a response - I certainly wouldn’t wonder around

SoyDora · 22/09/2019 14:03

I get annoyed when my parents do knock, it means I have to stop whatever I’m doing to open the door!

SoyDora · 22/09/2019 14:04

I never lock the door when I’m in the house. Often don’t when I’m out either . I do have a dog so I generally assume people wouldn’t bother trying our door then they see the dog through the glass.

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/09/2019 14:05

They’re family, and if they’ve got a key then they should let themselves in with it.

I disagree. I had a key for my parents house but I always rang the doorbell. I only started to let myself in when my father was eventually on his own and it was too much effort for him to struggle to the door.

EL8888 · 22/09/2019 14:10

It’s bad manners and they need to knock. We have a habit of walking round in our underwear and why shouldn’t we do that in our own home

Jojobythesea · 22/09/2019 14:12

I used to have this issue with my il's. They also had a key as they looked after DS's sometimes. In the end I used to lock the door and leave the key in it so they couldn't just let themselves in. Used to wind me up so much.

BertrandRussell · 22/09/2019 14:23

You may not like it but it’s not intrinsically rude. Different families have different rules. I would be exasperated if I had to stop what I was doing and answer the door to anyone who had a key. I wouldn’t think it was rude- but I would certainly think “oh, ffs- just open the bloody door!” Why not ask them to give you a shout as they come in the door because otherwise you get a shock when they suddenly appear.

cheesewitheverything · 22/09/2019 14:36

I think every family has it's own unspoken rules for this. In our family, if you are expected you would knock then open the door and then shout 'hiya!' Or something similar. In DH's family you would knock and wait for the door to be opened. You are just experiencing a mismatch of expectations here - no one is being rude or unreasonable, just tripping over the invisible guidelines.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/09/2019 14:44

That said, I do have keys to all my sisters' houses as they do mine and they all let themselves in at their will even if I'm/they are not home. But the idea of just having the door unlocked fills me with dread.

@SoyDora Please get in the habit of locking the door when you go out. If a burglary or something untoward were to happen it could very well invalidate your insurance should they discover that you willingly left the door unlocked!

Nonnymum · 22/09/2019 14:52

I always leave my door unlocked in the day too if one of us is in. It's Only locked at night

StripyHorse · 22/09/2019 15:44

My MIL is the same. If I am expecting her she will never have the key - not so bad now but if she was collecting DCs when they were babies / toddlers you could almost guarantee she would arrive as I was dealing with a nappy disaster! She will use her key when I am not expecting her ... sometimes knocking, but doing so as she is putting the key in the lock.

It annoys me and it is purely an upbringing thing. My DM will use the key when expected but knock when not.

MIL is so good in other ways that I just have to let it go... but often keep the key in the door so she can't just let herself in!

In hindsight, the time she let herself in pre-DCs when DH and I were upstairs, I should have gone full on 'Harry met Sally' and embarrassed the hell out of her. Instead we came down like naughty teenagers and pretended we were both in the process of getting changed to go out.

KronksSpinachPuffs · 22/09/2019 15:46

We always keep our front door locked so it means everyone has to knock whether it's my family or the ILs :)

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