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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just fed up

31 replies

Confusedandunsure2019 · 22/09/2019 08:15

I am so fed up of having all of the household responsibility put on me, and struggling to come to terms with the fact my DH is actually just a lazy person

This has been brewing for a while I think but this week has just taken its toll. We both work full time, I am in a managerial role, usual office hours but involves a lot of additional work outside core hours, and a significant amount of travel. DH has a team leader role in a much more manual environment, which involves shift work (predominantly nights, but with shift work he gets a lot more time off than me)

This week I have had to travel on 3 days of the week, have been up at 3am for these 3 days and with travel and meetings etc have worked 18 - 19 hours, including also having to co-ordinate pick up and drops off for dd (4) my parents have had to help on a couple of days due to DH not being around one evening as a football game he wanted to go to was on, and once as he was due to start a night shift before I was home.

Dh has been off this week until the weekend, and has done nothing. He has taken dd to nursery, come home and gone back to bed. There is literally nothing in the fridge, no washing has been done, the dishwasher hasn't been emptied so I have had to spend my weekend going round Tesco with Dd and catching up on everything else while DH now sleeps as he started nights again.

What has topped it off is that it is his dads birthday this weekend. And dh hadn't brought him a present. So sent me out to do it yesterday. No guidance on what to buy. We have been together 14 years so I know his dad quite well so picked what I know his dad will like. Showed Dh what I had brought, and he moaned saying he won't like it etc (despite the fact i also spoke to his mum who agreed!)

I am struggling so much with having the full burden of the house, my job and having to do everything when dh has more free time than me and does nothing. I have tried leaving him jobs to do, dropping hints etc but all I get is that he is so tired he couldn't possibly help anymore!

Sorry ... that was long!

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 22/09/2019 08:17

What redeeming features does he have? None I bet.
Do you want to separate?

Atalune · 22/09/2019 08:19

By-bye!

Ellabella989 · 22/09/2019 08:21

He sounds like a total pain!
My DP wouldn’t dare leave me everything to do because I would make it crystal clear to him that I wasn’t going to stand for it. If he continued to not help then I would do zero chores out of principle whilst looking for somewhere else to live.
Could you have a stern chat with him about the meaning of compromise in a relationship? If he shuts you down and continues to pile the stess on your shoulders by never helping then you should strongly consider LTB

Newsheet · 22/09/2019 08:26

Just can’t get wound up about stuff like this.

“Dishwasher not emptied”. Who cares? Just empty it or leave it. Hardly a big deal either way.

“No food in cupboards, Tesco with DD etc”

Tesco at a weekend with a kid is a ball ache. Why bother? Get takeaway or eat super noodles from the corner shop or petrol station until one of you is free to go when it’s not a drama to you.

I see so many people in life stressing about things that they think they NEED to do. They really don’t.

Qwerty19 · 22/09/2019 08:40

But the DH has been free to do these things. But he chose NOT to.

Blinkyblonkyblimey · 22/09/2019 08:42

When I was in the same position as you, I told my DH that he would be now be responsible for his own laundry. Washing and ironing. Never done it for him since. Not saying that he likes it, but something had to give!

Newsheet · 22/09/2019 08:48

But the DH has been free to do these things. But he chose NOT to.*

Maybe he didn’t want to, and didn’t see the NEED to.

I am sure the world won’t end, so why the assumption that he is useless just because he chose to spend his time not doing chores.

The fact that people refer to them as chores should be clue enough. Remove these things from your life and make life simpler. Learn to go with the flow and not stress about things. I find it hard to believe that the family would have starved of it wasn’t for a saturday Tesco trio with a child in tow.

That is definitely a chore, and there are so many easier alternatives I just can’t get my head around why someone would elect to do that and then complain about it

Ellabella989 · 22/09/2019 08:51

@newsheet I get what you’re saying that people care too much about things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme. If I lived like that all the time then nothing would ever get done and DP and I would live in a filthy tip though. We both hate cleaning etc so would never do it if we didn’t force ourselves to stick to a regular routine with it.
OP - could you get your groceries delivered once a week? I do this and it saves faffing about at the shops when there are other things I want to be doing

SummerInSun · 22/09/2019 08:56

Totally not on by your DH. He is behaving like a clueless spoiled teenager (let me guess - his Mum did all this stuff for him and then you took over?). How about writing a list of all the things that need to be done in the house - food shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning bathrooms, kitchen, vacuuming, etc and having a proper conversation about how long all of these things take and figuring out how best to divide them up. Maybe you divide the list and take responsibility for different things, or maybe you share each task. But you need a clear conversation. Many many genuinely don't seem to realise how much day to day work there is to keep a house running if they had mums who did it all.

The poster who says the things don't need to be done is also being a teenager. If no-one ever does any household chores then you just live in filth with no clean clothes and no food.

But you should set up online grocery shopping. Going to a supermarket for a full shop on the weekend, especially with a 4 year old, is lunacy!

billy1966 · 22/09/2019 09:04

Sorry OP, I don't mean to be unkind but you have created this situation.

Your husband is a lazy waster who puts himself first and has little regard for you.
Could it be clearer?

You reward such treatment of you by going out getting a gift for his father. Not your job.

Wtf.

Why would you do that?

End your marriage and you'll be down a huge amount of stress from a big lazy child.

You know what he's like yet you tolerate it.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
I mean anything.

Tell him, this is the end. He shapes up or ships out.

Or suck it up, have several more children and carry on being a mug married to a waster.

Your life. Your choice.

💐

swingofthings · 22/09/2019 09:05

So sent me out to do it yesterday
What do you mean 'sent you out'? Surely the appropriate response was no sorry, can't do, you'll have to find a time to do it yourself?

He sounds like a teenager who does nothing because his mum does it all for him anyway. You need to stop enabling him to be lazy.

meccacos2 · 22/09/2019 09:28

Night shift is tough...

I can understand why he doesn’t do things when he is working.

However, he has responsibilities to the children before any football game.

Is it 12 hour shifts though? Or just 8 hours?

I couldn’t be with anyone who didn’t help around the house. Or someone who did labouring type work. No freaking way. I wouldn’t respect them.

crimsonlake · 22/09/2019 09:42

Possibly you have been enabling him....Time for a sit down and sort out some new rules. If you continue to do this without venting at him it will carry on.

Sundancer77 · 22/09/2019 09:47

@meccacos2 You wouldn’t respect and couldn’t be with someone who did labouring type work..?

Original poster
Confusedandunsure2019 · 22/09/2019 09:49

When I say he sent me out, unlike my father in law so I would have felt bad if he didn't have any present from us.

I get nights are tough , I have done them before so I don't expect a lot, but he has been off all week until friday night so I would expect the basics to be done.

We do have online shopping but again it's always me who had to do it. Travelling had involved being out of the country a lot this week and I didn't have time to do it. I wasn't expecting dh to do a full shop, but the essentials like milk and bread would have been helpful.

Weekend night shifts are 12 hours so I don't expect anything but that also means and dd have to be our of the house all day over the weekend as the slightest noise will wake him up. I have asked him to look for something that doesn't involve nights but his answer is always he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
FeeFee832 · 22/09/2019 09:52

Get a cleaner and an ironed twice a week.

Do an online food shop - set your preferences and you can just re order every week with the same choices.

Split the costs. Simples.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 22/09/2019 09:56

Not the point but could you order your shopping online so he just needs to put it away? He sounds v selfish and lazy btw

Ellabella989 · 22/09/2019 10:07

Tell him to sleep with ear plugs in

ssd · 22/09/2019 10:10

You lost me at 'so sent me out to get it'

TemporaryPermanent · 22/09/2019 10:11

He sounds like a pain in the ass, certainly. I've never worked nights, I believe its shit but so is the amount of travelling and hours you are doing.

The question is of course, if online shopping, avoiding relationship builders like birthday presents and getting a cleaner are such simple solutions, why the fuck isn't your h doing them? Why isn't he at the very least apologising that he hasn't bought milk/organised regularmilk delivery and ordered an online present a fortnight ago? If you're working nights you are at least home and able to pick up a phone to do these things. Instead his contribution has been to whinge that you haven't bought the perfect present.

This has to change. I think you're probably afraid to get angry. Get a babysitter, go for a walk somewhere deserted, and get furious with him.your relationship deserves you both fighting for it.

ssd · 22/09/2019 10:12

Sorry just seen you answered that

Anyway your Dh is a lazy entitled PITA

I couldn't live with that, it'd be easier being alone.

ssd · 22/09/2019 10:14

I don't think her relationship is worth fighting for, but her sanity is. I'd leave him.

Ponoka7 · 22/09/2019 10:20

Ypur resentment will kill any feelings that you have for him.

You need to address it one last time or make plans to end the relationship

As for him doing nothing on nights. I've worked 12 hour care home shifts. Most of us were LPs, who had limited sleep and still had to run our homes. None of us had money for, cleaners, gardeners, ironing. We got on with it.

As do most minimum wage workers. You don't get to check out of being an Adult because of work, unless you are a high earner and can afford those things, but even then, you still Parent.

Newsheet · 22/09/2019 10:21

Wow to people saying they would leave based on this thread

boujie · 22/09/2019 10:27

The fact that people refer to them as chores should be clue enough. Remove these things from your life and make life simpler. Learn to go with the flow and not stress about things. I find it hard to believe that the family would have starved of it wasn’t for a saturday Tesco trio with a child in tow.

This is bloody stupid. Maybe you can make a case that at that specific time there was no need to go to Tesco, but at some point it will have to happen. Maybe the dishwasher could have been left for that day, but eventually it will need emptied. And when it does, it will be OP who does it because her husband is a lazy arsehole.

Unless you live in a midden and exclusively eat takeaway, you must recognise that eventually chores do need to be done. If one person is consistently refusing to do their share and it's always falling on the other, it isn't fair, and it's not good enough to say to the person doing all the work 'it's your fault, if you just ignored the chores they would stop existing' when that's clearly bollocks.