Just fed up

[Confusedandunsure2019]

I am so fed up of having all of the household responsibility put on me, and struggling to come to terms with the fact my DH is actually just a lazy person

This has been brewing for a while I think but this week has just taken its toll. We both work full time, I am in a managerial role, usual office hours but involves a lot of additional work outside core hours, and a significant amount of travel. DH has a team leader role in a much more manual environment, which involves shift work (predominantly nights, but with shift work he gets a lot more time off than me)

This week I have had to travel on 3 days of the week, have been up at 3am for these 3 days and with travel and meetings etc have worked 18 - 19 hours, including also having to co-ordinate pick up and drops off for dd (4) my parents have had to help on a couple of days due to DH not being around one evening as a football game he wanted to go to was on, and once as he was due to start a night shift before I was home.

Dh has been off this week until the weekend, and has done nothing. He has taken dd to nursery, come home and gone back to bed. There is literally nothing in the fridge, no washing has been done, the dishwasher hasn't been emptied so I have had to spend my weekend going round Tesco with Dd and catching up on everything else while DH now sleeps as he started nights again.

What has topped it off is that it is his dads birthday this weekend. And dh hadn't brought him a present. So sent me out to do it yesterday. No guidance on what to buy. We have been together 14 years so I know his dad quite well so picked what I know his dad will like. Showed Dh what I had brought, and he moaned saying he won't like it etc (despite the fact i also spoke to his mum who agreed!)

I am struggling so much with having the full burden of the house, my job and having to do everything when dh has more free time than me and does nothing. I have tried leaving him jobs to do, dropping hints etc but all I get is that he is so tired he couldn't possibly help anymore!

Sorry ... that was long!

Newsheet

They have a child. Presumably the OP doesn't want her to live in squalor so that will involve housework and laundry. Pot noodles are not an ideal diet for a child either.

OP - he is a lazy arse. Do you wish to carry on enabling this or do you want to take a stand?

Weekend night shifts are 12 hours so I don't expect anything but that also means and dd have to be our of the house all day over the weekend as the slightest noise will wake him up. I have asked him to look for something that doesn't involve nights but his answer is always he doesn't want to.

Ask him how he's going to manage that and looking after himself (and DD eow) when he's on his own?

My dh works 12 hour night shifts and he has to travel on top of that, he switches these with days every few weeks and he is noticably different on days, does a lot more around the house etc so I don't mind picking up the slack when he's working/ tired, and if it doesn't get done then there's no point getting over excited about it imo. Night shifts are tough and it's often hard for them to sleep through the day so the rest of the week is often spent resting- which can't be faulted, same as it can't if you are tired. Maybe designating certain jobs would help- we fell into the regime of my responsibilities being to clean the kitchen, and his the bathroom for example so both bases are covered.
The present thing is annoying I agree but he shouldn't have sent you to get it if he was going to comment haha, that would have been money or gift voucher in a card if it were up to me, and I'm sure nobody would have complained as you are busy with your family!
Maybe get food delivered to the house in between food shops to make things easier/ grab bread/ milk etc from a local shop if you have access and make the most of beans on toast/ jacket potatoes/ burgers on buns and other easy meals when you have little time or ingredients.

@Newsheet actually I would leave because I find laziness and dependency on another adult very unattractive. You might be happy to live in a mess eating supernoodles that's up to you, I wouldn't, I gave up that lifestyle when I graduated, so I wouldn't live with someone like that.

I would set up a repeat online grocery order (we have one I tweak week to week and DH collects on the way home from work) , we also have a milkman so don't need to worry about running out of milk, and he can also deliver bread, eggs etc and you order online up to 9pm the night before, either of you can log in. I do expect my husband to behave like a competent adult. Putting a wash on, wiping the kitchen down, taking the bins out, things like that take five minutes if you do it while you're doing something else eg making a cup of tea. Her DH hasn't worked all week, so what has he done lazed around in his pants? In that situation in my life the house would be clean and tidy, food in the fridge DC looked after and taken out for some fun activities and plenty of time in the evenings for adults to relax. DH would still fit in his hobbies. We both manage it week in week out without too much trouble, while working full time.

Oh and I used to work nights in a prison and go to the gym on the way home and my house didn't turn into a tip. It's not hard

My ex was like this. He would finish work earlier than me so he would collect dd from the childminder and be home by 4, I would get home at 7 and have to cook dinner. I did all the household chores and despite many conversations this went on for years. I changed my well paid job that had great career options and I loved, so that I could make life easier for myself but nothing changed and I got depressed. In the end I refused to do anything for him so he would do his own washing and cook his own meals and he moved into the spare room, it was like having a housemate.
You can’t change him you need to do what is right for you