Fucking infertility sucks fucking balls

[whythoughh]

Yes I've name changed as I need to have this separate from photos of my dogs which are very outing!

I have had about enough of infertility now. We're 10 miscarriages in and maybe this is enough. We've finally been referred for ivf so yay for that! But fuck me no one knows what to say to you. It's like the taboo that no one knows how's to break.

If you lose someone as I have people have the standard response of
'Im sorry' if you tell people you've had another fucking miscarriage you get 'oh. At least you know you can get pregnant' or 'christ why keep trying it clearly isn't meant to be' ' can't you just adopt?'

My mum is a vicar and wanted us to go to church to have support and prayer- not my thing but to shut her up we went and people actually compared the love of God as a f

Hi, yes infertility is utter shit. Sorry you’re going through it

I also found that people just don’t ‘get it’. They don’t understand how devastating and sad it is. For years.

Oops. To having a child and how we wouldn't know gods love for us until we had a child which just made me so so angry.

I want a child more than anything else in my life but it's not happening and maybe it won't ever happen but that doesn't mean I don't care about my friends who are having babies. Why is it that people who are struggling to have a baby are excluded from invitations?

Last year I was the only one of my friends not invited to a friends baby shower and when I questioned it I was told 'well maybe it's too hard to for you' same for another friends child's 1st birthday (who I made the cake for I might add)! Same reasoning given..

Isn't that for me to decide ?

The fact other people have babies and children's birthdays doesn't affect my ability to have a child..

I am happy your baby is having a birthday.
I am beyond happy you're having a baby

Please involve me in those things.

I'm sorry this probably has no point to it.. I just wanted to rant

I don't know what to say to someone who is infertile. I have a friend who is currently trying (not sure if she would be classed as infertile but they've been trying for 2 years and she's fallen pregnant once and it resulted in miscarriage). I honestly feel lost for words when she talks to me about it. I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through. And half the time when we talk I have my own baby in my arms. I feel as if anything I say is inadequate and the very existence of my child is rubbing her face in it.

So I just wanted to apologise to you on behalf of all of us who don't know what to say. It's not good enough. We aren't trying to be dicks, though. We just don't get it and we know trying to pretend to get it is patronising and cruel.

(Except for those people telling you to just adopt or at least you know you can get pregnant. Those people are just dicks).

God yes it's shit. My mother in law is absolutely amazing and I really think and hope she'd give us a heads up to his twin brother and his wife having a baby just a little one so we can compose ourselves as we will be so happy. But also it's such a heart ache sometimes if it's just thrown in your face in a group chat.

I get it. I found it horribly impossibly hard when other people were having babies and I couldn’t, but worse to be left out of things as people were trying to be kind. Rant all you like. It’s fucking shit.

Yes it's utterly shit. After 5 mcs I did some research and got gp to refer me to Dr Shehatas clinic in Epsom. They test for natural killer cells. If you haven't explored that option have a read as I know a lot of people they have successfully helped, including me.

It's unfair, it's shit and I'm really sorry.

@Toastymash thank you for being honest. Just tell her that. Tell her, look I don't know what to say and I want to know what to do, and if she needs something specific she'll tell you. Tell her it's okay to not want to talk about it and it's okay to talk about it. That you care and are there means a hell of a lot x

And yes I totally get the being left out. People stopped talking about babies in front of me. I hated it.

@Enidcat5 it's so shit isn't it? It feels like it's such a taboo and like I have the plague or something. Also my husband feels so shit about it as no one has asked him how he feels about our 'journey' it's always 'oh how is X?' 'You need to support why you know' how about asking how he feels

:(

I found a lifeline in the mc boards on mumsnet. Lovely people, I'd recommend joining if you're needing the support of people who understand.

IF is shitty. People rarely understand if they have t experienced it. I'm really sorry about all of your losses. I hope IVF marks a new, positive chapter for you.

@Enidcat5 thank you I'm going to have a look now.. really should be sleeping but I can't so now I'm thinking stupid things

I agree with Enid - the support on here was what got me through. And people understood in a way that very few did in RL. Good luck with the IVF. Like Enid, my issues were immune- related and we got our happy ending after 7 years. Hope you get yours too x

We suffered secondary infertility and it waa horrendous. The comments from people are shocking "at least you weren't further along" "well, you've already got one" - that kind of thing. It's shit but people truly don't understand it until they've lived it. Thinking of you.

@NoIamAngelaHernandez thank you

I was the opposite to you when we were in the throes of infertility. I just couldn't cope being around pregnant people so I withdrew from alot of friend circles. I admire your bravery and how strong you sound.

People say such stupid things, it's actually quite shocking they could think these things let alone say them. We had sperm issues and after we had a daughter from years of treatment I kept getting told by everyone that now I had one baby I'd get pregnant naturally with the next because they all knew someone who had that experience. After the 100th time I got so annoyed with the tesco checkout lady I said that me having a baby sadly didnt help the sperm learn to swim so a natural pregnancy was impossible. It did shut her up and made me feel slightly less angry for a few minutes. Maybe theres a curt reply you could come up with to stop people in their tracks!

It sucks. Sadly you are definitely not alone. I am another one who had high NK cells (plus I ended up with my response to hormones being sub par, possibly due to all the pregnant/not pregnant fluctuations). Treatment gave us our DD. The pregnancy was absolute hell but we got there eventually. I strongly suggest that you get your NK cells checked otherwise IVF may just end up being a very expensive miscarriage.

Have you tried investigating why you might be having the miscarriages? My friend had a few miscarriages, then she found out (after seeing a few doctors - she was lucky to have the money to see private doctors and do some investigation), she found out she had the killer cells, that attack the baby when pregnant. So she had to have some kind of regular shot as soon as she found out she was pregnant in order to hold the pregnancy. As soon as she figured this out, she was able to hold the pregnancy and now has 4 dc (including twins!). There are other causes for example, if you shed your uterine lining before the embryos can attach (sometimes diet and vitamins helps strengthen the lining). I get that for many there seems to be no cause, but I do believe in a lot of cases, the cause just has not been found. My SIL also suffered from multiple miscarriages (8 years of trying) and she said the one thing she changed when she got pregnant with her only child was she changed her diet for that month and her dh gave up coffee (he was drinking several cups a day). Infertility sucks and a lot of people do not know how to act or what to say when they have friends that suffer from it. I have seen though from a few friends, that there is hope. Another, who struggled years to get pregnant, had miscarriages, failed IVF first attempt, went on two have 2 dc (via ivF).

Yes yes to getting nk cells checked. No one knew about it at my usual hospital. I now have a DD thanks to the clinic treatment. I was referred from my GP so didn't pay. Pm me if you want details.

It’s beyond shit. And feels so lonely at times. Unless you’ve been there you just don’t get it. The “at least you can get pregnant” comments are fucking awful.

I remember going back to work following being closed over Christmas and two pregnant colleagues were moaning about Christmas being rubbish as they couldn’t have a drink. I was sat there thinking that they didn’t have a clue- I’d miscarried 4 days before Christmas. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as angry.

I’m incredibly fortunate to now have a DC. I wish you all the best OP, thinking of you

Is there a SANDS group near you? (Stillborn and neonatal death)

A friend who has had miscarriages and who's dd died at 2 weeks old is part of SANDS and it helped her enormously to speak to other people who understand.

I hope you told your friends that you want to at least be invited.and make the choise yourself re: baby showers and kids birthday parties?

I have a friend struggling with secondary infertility (they do have a child but are 3 years into ttc a second and its not happening) and we talk a lot as I had recurrent miscarriage and had my own albeit different struggles but yes she find so many people just don't know what to say or say stupid / inappropriate / ignorant things. Its very hard for her.

Do you belong to any support groups or have you considered counselling?

**whythoughh I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've had 5 losses including 2 in the last year and its soul destroying. I had my daughter after 2 miscarriages, the other 3 have been since I had her. The last few really knocked me on my arse and I struggled to get back up again. I also got a lot of support from the mc boards on here. I really hope things work out for you xx