Fucking infertility sucks fucking balls

[whythoughh]

Yes I've name changed as I need to have this separate from photos of my dogs which are very outing!

I have had about enough of infertility now. We're 10 miscarriages in and maybe this is enough. We've finally been referred for ivf so yay for that! But fuck me no one knows what to say to you. It's like the taboo that no one knows how's to break.

If you lose someone as I have people have the standard response of
'Im sorry' if you tell people you've had another fucking miscarriage you get 'oh. At least you know you can get pregnant' or 'christ why keep trying it clearly isn't meant to be' ' can't you just adopt?'

My mum is a vicar and wanted us to go to church to have support and prayer- not my thing but to shut her up we went and people actually compared the love of God as a f

One of my friends has withdrawn from me recently after I confided in her that after years of trying, we really can't have DC.

She's made it all about her! How uncomfortable she is. How sad she is seeing me play with her young DD because 'you'll never have what I have'.

I'm the same as you OP, I love supporting friends and family through pregnancies and feel genuine happiness (after a real pang of pain for myself) and adore spending time with kids.

And I really am stick of so, so many people suggesting adoption like it's the automatic booby-prize of infertility. It's disrespectful to me (like I don't know adoption exists?!) and it's disrespectful to adoptees and adopters to suggest it's an easy peasy Plan B and you just go pick a kid from a brochure.

I've been there, it's awful. Only a select few people knew we were TTC, thank goodness, because we had a heads up that we may have issues, and I knew that if I got "the questions" or worse, the looks of pity, I would have absolutely howled like a dog with rage and misery. People will never get it unless they've been there. The bitterness and pain almost destroyed me

Infertility is the worst thing in the world. I am lucky in that I now have my dd from ivf but the struggle it took us to get her will stick with me forever.

Rant away

I’m so sorry, it is incredibly tough and isolating. I was under an NHS recurrent miscarriage clinic and fertility team. They didn’t test for killer cells but put me on that protocol post IUI. Prednisolone, progesterone and fragmin.

So sorry to hear op
It's really tough isn't it
I still think about my miscarriage about what could have been? I went into a bit of a depression after and ate and drank too much

I'm sorry we don't know what to say. And what works for different people doesn't work for everyone but I would and I'm sure most people would appreciate a blanket approach that works and is sensitive and caring but nothing is a one size fits all.

You mention still wanting to be included in invitations and being happy for your friends' children and not finding it difficult to be around those events, where sometimes we have been told we are insensitive for sharing pregnancy news, being happy a child has reached a milestone or even thoughtlessly sending an invitation when we know a friend is suffering with infertility.

I have a friend in her mid forties desperately ttc. She has had 2 miscarriages all her life, 1 just before I gave birth to DS3. Her DH told me off for referring to my newborn son using cutesy names and acknowledging his existence in front of her as I was being insensitive. Thos has made me steer clear of her as, I think even if I try to be sensitive and conscious, I will slip up and offend her by using a pet name or kissing my son in her presence. Someone else would find me staying away cruel and exclusionary so it is difficult to find the right thing to say or do.

And yes infertility fucking sucks ball

I'm sorry OP, it's shit and so so hard.

I agree with other re getting recurrent miscarriage investigated. I had a referral to dr Siobhan quenby at Coventry. I'm in Scotland so it was a referral accepted from far away if that helps. It was a private doctor in Newcastle who did the referral for me.

What I will say is without those tests, IVF will not prevent miscarriage. I had seven miscarriages and two failed rounds of IVF. The IVF failed before I reached a point of miscarriage but to go through all that and miscarry would have added a further layer of horrendousness.

I have one DD. Nobody knows why. I took aspirin every day on my own research, and a huge multi vitamin programme after hair testing. That was quite specific for me as it revealed toxic levels of copper and iron in my system. Interestingly the doctors dismissed that as having any relevance or point, but I have DD and she was born with a massive full head of hair, so I take it as some sort of sign.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Yes it is shit and it sucks. It’s very difficult for anyone to understand what persistent long term infertility is like unless you’ve experienced it.

For those of you who don’t know what to say, “I’m sorry” is fine. It shows you’ve heard and acknowledged the person’s pain. That’s all most of us who have been in this situation really want from people. Otherwise it can feel like you’re invisible and inaudible.

It's very hard. We had 6 rounds of failed iui and 2 failed rounds of ivf. I do now have a wonderful child via adoption, but it was by no means an easy option and I know it's not for everyone. But I had years of watching everyone around me get pregnant ( I was happy for them but I did find that hard) and gradually people stopped asking me when I would. Some people just don't know what to say though if they do become aware of the situation.

It is hard to know what to say though. DH is infertile and we adopted so that would also be our default suggestion because it has worked out well for us. We couldn't love her more. It isn't a flippant suggestion, it is a realistic one.

Of course people dont know what to say - most haven't been through what you are going through, and anyway you're unique. What you want said/not said, and at what length, and at what times, is specific to you - others in the same position may want to hear/not hear different things. I'm shocked if they cant even manage a "Im so sorry" though.

If you want to be included in other people's baby celebrations, please do tell them. That's something that other people struggling with infertility would find unbearable and I've certainly seen people on here agreeing that invitations to such events are hurtful and tactless.

The conversation around fertility is like that surrounding death. There are a number of things that are downright tactless to say/do but beyond that there are no right/safe answers beyond "I'm sorry for your loss" and even that must feel inadequate after a time.

And yes, it totally sucks and is hugely unfair.

So sorry you are going through this OP. It's awful.

It's a very difficult experience to communicate and yes, some people do say some daft things. (I had some comments that stay with me even now, years later).

I had excellent support from the boards on here and a couple of friends going through similar things.

I hope it works out for you soon

I know this may not be much help or support but it took me 10 years to fall pregnant with my son. In the meantime I think I only had 2 miscarriages though so my heart absolutely bleeds for you. Just wanted to let you know I get it in some way and the depression from it nearly took my life. Maybe knowing it did happen after so long may give you a little hope, maybe you feel angry and both feelings are ok. I have currently been trying again on my 4th year and decided to give up as heart can’t take it anymore. I pray you find what you want so bad

It’s the taboo that I hate.
I mentioned on here a while ago that I was completely open about my ivf. Some people were shocked that I’d told people.

We've been ttc for 3 years without any success. It's such a roller-coaster of emotions. I go from feeling really optimistic to feeling utterly lost and hopeless. It can be such a lonely thing to go through. I'm so, so sorry for your losses .

I get it! Infertility absolutely sucks! We went through infertility and baby losses and it was one of the hardest things we have ever been through. But what made it so much worse were how we were treated by other people.

Four days after one loss (ectopic pregnancy) my best friend sent me a condolence card and also in it wrote telling me she was pregnant. She told me not to tell anyone yet as it was early days. It was the most insensitive thing to do. It caused me such heartache, not that she was pregnant, I was delighted for her. But that she told me in this way. She never visited or called to see how I was.

We had people cross the road to avoid us. It was the elephant in the room.

It made matters so much worse for us. But.... nearly 16 years later I am the person who will always be there for my friends. I never avoid difficult subjects, I will give people the opportunity to speak if they want to andvtell them they don’t have to if they don’t want to. I’m also thinking of volunteering for the Samaritans. I thank my infertility journey for this. It thought me a lot.

I found online infertility boards the best source of support. There’s nothing like talking to someone who has been there.

I wish you well and hope your IVF is successful.

@whythoughh i feel your pain !! 10 bloody years we have been going through this 46 years old So good friend says to me Why don’t you give up !! And get on with your life you have loving husband good family around you !! That piss me off It’s ok for you know you’ve got your baby the world is a difference place now !! No one understands until it happens to them It makes me think maybe I should I’m not meant to be a mum .,

I’m so sorry for your losses. You sound like a lovely person able to put your grief to one side and be happy for others having babies. Wishing you the very best for the future 💐

I'm so sorry you're going through this. We have been ttc for nearly 3.5 years, as of now I haven't had a bfp. We have both male and female factor infertility and we are currently waiting for a referral to start ivf. Sometimes I find it all so lonely and suffocating. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I just wanted to offer you a hand hold and to say if you ever want to vent then feel free to DM me. Wishing you all the best with everything

It's completely utterly shit OP and just so bloody unfair.

Infertility is f*king sht. To be trying so hard and seeing friends and relatives having babies. Then people asking why you don’t have children. Everything about it sucks. Some of the insensitive comments you hear as well. People aren’t deliberate trying to hurt you but sometimes the comments you get just break your heart. I still vividly remember someone saying to me “you wouldn’t understand, you don’t have children”. They didn’t mean it bad way but it hurt me.

You may have already been checked for APS but thought I would post

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/antiphospholipid-syndrome-aps

Sorry you are having such a difficult time