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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure I still enjoy this friendship

32 replies

Blueandlilac · 21/09/2019 21:55

I've known her for 4 years but she lives abroad now so only see her 1/2 times a year.
I know she's very unhappy in herself and she comes across as very insecure and cynical a lot of the time.
Expressions like 'I am really happy for you, that's amazing' are completely alien to her.
When I told her i'd just extended a year's contract she replied 'I see'.

Ive been seeing a guy and he has gone away for 3 weeks. She told me that him having sex with others over there was 'normal' because he's in 'another country' and 'wants to make the most of it'.
I told her not every single man is sex-obsessed and that you can 'make the most of a country' without having to sleep with anything that moves..
If I ever tell her about a guy she'll just say ' he doesnt sound good' or 'be careful' 'dont get your hopes up'.
She also tried to persuade a mutual friend of ours to dump her boyfriend.
When another friend of ours had a ONS with a guy at a party, she commented that this girl 'behaved like a slag' even though both were single.. However, when her own best friend cheated on her bf by having sex with another guy she said 'she gave into the guy last night, it's hard when youre abroad'.
I used to try and make plans with her on a Monday/Tuesday for a Saturday and shed say 'it's too early to tell you what i'm doing yet' even though she had no kids/bf/commitment.
Once, I was talking about a guy whod just dumped me that very day and she 'banned' me from talking about him the same day, saying 'move on'. I have let her rant on about men as much as she wants. Once, I was moving house that day, she'd messaged me about a guy so I wrote 'sorry, i'm busy ill reply later' and she sent me 7 thumbs up.
When I got hair extensions instead of saying it looked nice she just asked why I didn't do the fringe .
As I say I know she's very unhappy, she has family problems and is desperate to settle down and meet someone.
I just feel like she lacks any sort of warmth, she's so cynical about everything and a little too harsh sometimes.
It's good to be honest but a bit of kindness goes a long way. Or am I being too sensitive ?

OP posts:
Mumminmum · 21/09/2019 22:13

Oh God. Dump her. She is not your friend. She is an emotional vampire.

Original poster
Blueandlilac · 21/09/2019 22:13

I was meant to go and see another friend an hour away on the train and sod's law, I got a sickness bug the day before. I evidently had to cancel, but I offered the friend alternate days.
She seemed annoyed and cold, rather than understanding. I mentioned it to said girl and she said 'yeah, I can fully get why she's mad' I said, even though I couldn't get out of bed or eat ? ' and she said yeah, it's wasting her time.'
I feel like she talks utter shite and kind of just distancing myself. She has a way of sucking the fun out of things and making you feel bad about your good news

OP posts:
autumndreaming · 21/09/2019 22:15

It sounds like she's scared of her friends getting into relationships when she isn't in one so tries to sabotage them.

She sounds a very jealous, bitter person.

Beesandcheese · 21/09/2019 22:17

That sounds exhausting. Use her line if she tries to arrange things "it's too soon to say" and cut and run.

Original poster
Blueandlilac · 21/09/2019 22:18

That's what came to mind. I get that i'm a little naïve sometimes and tend to see the good in everyone when I should be more careful. But when youve met someone youre excited about and she immediately 'warns' you it just takes the fun out of anything.
Trying to justify the guy playing away because that's how you 'make the most of a hot country' was laughable.
I know shes very cut up about not finding someone. She's in her mid 30s and sadly has the 'time is running out' mentality.
I really hope she will find someone, I just feel like she needs to change her attitude a bit.

OP posts:
cricketmum84 · 21/09/2019 22:19

She sounds like a classic joysucker.

You obviously don't like her (I wouldn't either tbh) so I would cut my losses and run!

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 21/09/2019 22:20

Have a good think about how a friend should behave. Have a think about how a good friend should behave. Write shown some bullet points.
Here's some ideas:
*Wants to spend time with me
*Interested on my life
*Makes me laugh and feel good
*There when I need a shoulder or a pep talk
Now. Does this person bring any joy into your life? Bin her off.

hittheroadjack1 · 21/09/2019 22:21

Cut her loose, life's too short

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 21/09/2019 22:22

Sorry ignore all the typos.

Original poster
Blueandlilac · 21/09/2019 22:23

Yeah.. It's a shame because she can be very nice and charming. Ive felt this way for years really but the last few have been a long distance friendship.
She's very intelligent and interesting and she does stay in touch a lot so I feel torn.
I have previously brought this up with her and she apologised tbf.
She just has this way of making you feel like shit. Like I told her my work organised me a leaving party and how nice it was and she said 'well it's normal, people always do that when someone leaves'.
Then I said how kind the nurses were when I donated blood and she said 'theyre only doing their job.'
🙄

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 21/09/2019 22:23

Life is too short. Don't bother with her. You don't need her in your life.
Concentrate on people who make you happy and have your best interests at heart.

IntoTheHoods · 21/09/2019 22:27

I don’t get the bit about the 7 thumbs up.

I wouldn’t be enjoying that friendship either. You know it’s fine to let it go, right? If you don’t feel that this is a temporary thing or that there’s something worth salvaging, then move on.

NoisingUpNissan · 21/09/2019 22:28

Ive just finished with a friend for this reason..
I feel great now.
No more joysucking shit.
Bingo.

Sweetpea55 · 21/09/2019 22:28

She sounds a drain on happiness of any sort.
You don't need negativity op

IntoTheHoods · 21/09/2019 22:28

Cross-posted. She sounds horrible!

Original poster
Blueandlilac · 21/09/2019 22:32

I mean she was clearly angry that I couldn't speak about her crush that one night so she sent me 7 thumbs up on Facebook in a row as some sort of overreaction.
Then banned me from talking about mine the very day I was dumped 🙄 if it had been 1 year later ok..
I feel a bit torn because as I say she does stay in touch a lot but I just cannot work her out, is she jealous, is she just very insecure.. I guess it doesnt matter.
We have mutual friends (though she doesnt really see or speak to them anymore).
But I guess if ive felt this way for years then I need to think of myself and let it go.

OP posts:
intermittentfasting · 21/09/2019 22:32

Just stop contacting her. You don't have to be her friend.

Beautiful3 · 21/09/2019 22:41

Just stop contacting her. You dont ever have to meet up. You dont enjoy her company, so what's the point?!

sonjadog · 21/09/2019 22:50

She doesn't sound like much fun to be around. I would fase her out if I were you.

Rachelover60 · 21/09/2019 23:53

Well you don't see her that often, Blueandlilac, you say she can be OK, is intelligent and interesting and she did apologise to you when you talked to her about her negativity. I wouldn't terminate the friendship in your place, we all have to put up with other people's attitude sometimes. It helps that she lives abroad :-).

You sound like a really nice friend & I'm sure you have other friends who are more empathetic.

Bouffalant · 22/09/2019 00:11

Fuck that. She's not a good friend.

She sounds bitter, jealous, and like she can't stand the idea of anyone else being happy.

getoutofthatgarden202 · 22/09/2019 00:47

Oh god yeah end the friendship!

I've just gotten out of a friendship like this - she was friends with me and my husband (we all met at uni years ago)

She used behave like that - couldn't work out if she was jealous of our relationship - she was possessive of me - then sometimes possessive of him - and I felt sometimes she was trying to sabotage mine & his relationship !!

Tried to meddle into having a big part in our small wedding - then tried to tell me I wasn't ready for marriage- it was all so intense!

We were both so supportive and good friends to her when one of her parents died suddenly - helped out massively and were there for her !

Both myself and dp had deaths of close family members and she was too busy to be bothered - never even messaged me until after the funeral and said oh hope it wasn't too terrible, sorry I couldn't make it over your way, had plans!!

I was so upset and angry at this response that I just blocked her from being able to ever contact me again there and then - it's been 6months now and I feel like a big weights been lifted off me and I generally feel less stressed and happy!!

I suggest you do the same x

Original poster
Blueandlilac · 22/09/2019 08:16

Thanks for the replies, I think I will have to just stop. I have also been to visit her abroad a few times and she couldn't even come to visit me down the road. I guess she likes me if she messages me, saying that she hasnt messaged for a couple of days now.
I'm sure I will feel better once it's over.

OP posts:
Girasole02 · 22/09/2019 08:22

I finally binned my 'emotional vampire'. Just wish I had done it sooner. I feel emancipated!

obligations · 22/09/2019 08:36

Sounds like you came on here hoping to be told to dump her. Not sure why you want to be validated by strangers but sure go for it, obvs we're only getting your side of the story. Funny how almost all posters who ask these kinds of AIBU characterise themselves as believing the best of people.