What do I do?

[Gettingtoomuch1]

Hi all,

This might be long winded so I apologise in advance but I want to give as much back story so I’m not drip feeding.

I have an amazing DH, DD(7) and DS(1). I went back to work about 4 months ago and a new guy, let’s call him Fred, was there. He’s ok, had a few troubles in his life etc but anyway we became friends.

He recently (a week ago) told me he has feelings for me. I told him I’m not available and I’m happy as I am etc. He then told me that if he becomes quiet then it means he’s struggling to understand that he can’t have what he wants. Which is me. So I told him I will give him some space.

He was in a relationship with a lovely woman (one of my closest friends knows her) and he told his GF that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. She was devastated. (I didn’t know this had happened) after I told him I wasn’t available, they got back together.

Anyway, a few days ago, he was in one of his silent moods so I gave him his space. The next day he was telling the whole office I was a bitch and ignoring him when I wasn’t in the room (I’m middle management) I went off on my way to speak to a manager about a complaint and he stopped me when it was just me and him alone. He looked so angry saying “what are you fucking doing to me?? You DON’T ignore me. You respect how I feel” etc. I was so lost for words I told him that this is unprofessional and he needs to step away. His parting words were “this was the wrong thing to do to me” and walked off.

He then left for the day and took the next day off due to depression. I told my manager what has happened due to the fact it’s now affected work. He said I haven’t done anything wrong and has moved me to be next to him.

I have since found out that Fred has been trying to find out where I live. On our systems and asking other colleagues. Thankfully my address hasn’t been shared.

I told my best friend (who is also friends with Fred and his GF) that I am planning on logging this with HR as I’m scared. My friend then went ballistic saying that he is going through a hard time and I should respect that etc and now she isn’t talking to me.

What do I do??

My DH has been so lovely and so understanding. I feel so embarrassed by what he has done as a few members of my team have been asking what’s happened etc I haven’t said anything and played ignorance.

What would you do?

I have to see him Monday and worried about what will happen.

Log it with HR

Tell your friend she'd do the same.

Dude made a thinly veiled threat when he said about 'doing this to him'.

Honestly Id also ask the police for advice. Call 101 or your local station directly and ask. Incase he does something else then its already logged.

Yes to logging with police. Bet he has form.

Has fred been telling your friend a different story? Does she think something went or is going on between you two and that is why she is being weird with you.

Wow! This guy sounds like a creep! And your best friend, not so much of a best friend. Unless you have led him astray or given false hope of a relationship or something (which seems clear you haven't) then she is out of line protecting him and targeting you as the bad guy in this. Granted he may have issues, but that's not your problem! You've been polite and done the right thing. I think perhaps he is telling other people a different story...how would you get your girlfriend back after saying you don't want to be with them and chatting someone else up that failed?
Go to HR and keep a diary of anything further he says to you. Hopefully his true colours will be seen by everyone soon enough

The guy is abusive. I’ve been on the receiving end of an office crush (a couple of times) and this isn’t how someone who likes you behave. They are nice to you, laugh at your jokes and look for ways to be around you.

They don’t blame you for their feelings and turn your colleagues against you.

You need to log this with HR.

It’s his behaviour making you uncomfortable. Trying to find out where you live is stalking behaviour. The guy is unhinged. Your friend isn’t your friend.

I think the guy is already trying to turn people against you. He isn’t in love with you, he’s looking for a victim.

Your friend is NOT your friend, please don’t take her advice. Go to HR immediately, things like this can escalate really quickly. Your DH is a star!

Log down everything he's done, and everything he does from now on. Straight to HR with any more stalker like behaviour. Stalkers can become very dangerous

It's an awful situation to be in because if it's fixated on you and you keep pushing him away, it's going to make him want you more. Work suspending him - he'll blame you.

I'd be looking into making sure my home security was the best it can be. Setting up a camera maybe (you can get some cheap ones). Anything serious he does go to the police immediately.

The friend sounds like she thinks you've dramatised the situation. If Fred is all sweetness & light to her she'll just be all "eh?!" I wouldn't fall out with her. Fred will love that.

Good that you are going to HR, this man's behaviour is very worrying and entitled. Your ex friend has behaved very poorly, it's good you are getting rid of her.

God men like this shit me. They get “The Feels” so you “Owe Them” reciprocal feelings and reactions regardless of your own personal circumstances.... They don’t give a shit how terrifying it is to have them pry into your personal life, intimidate you with their behaviour, and threaten you with their implied consequences and anger. I don’t care if they have had a “terrible time” in their personal life and I am sick to death of them claiming mental health issues to minimize the consequences of their actions. I am 47 years old, boring, married, three teenaged kids, hardly a looker and this continues to happen to me in my life because I am marginally polite and smiley, and keep to myself. (I am not a pushover though, and define my boundaries immediately with all concerned - HR included.) I just think that men are brought up from the cradle being told that they can do anything that they set their mind to, and all the fairytales and Nike ads tell them to Just Do It.

How did it go with everything at work?

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. I would have also gone to HR and logged every single thing.

Your friend is being very weird. How is any of this your fault? What does she think you should have done?