What do I do?

[Gettingtoomuch1]

Hi all,

This might be long winded so I apologise in advance but I want to give as much back story so I’m not drip feeding.

I have an amazing DH, DD(7) and DS(1). I went back to work about 4 months ago and a new guy, let’s call him Fred, was there. He’s ok, had a few troubles in his life etc but anyway we became friends.

He recently (a week ago) told me he has feelings for me. I told him I’m not available and I’m happy as I am etc. He then told me that if he becomes quiet then it means he’s struggling to understand that he can’t have what he wants. Which is me. So I told him I will give him some space.

He was in a relationship with a lovely woman (one of my closest friends knows her) and he told his GF that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. She was devastated. (I didn’t know this had happened) after I told him I wasn’t available, they got back together.

Anyway, a few days ago, he was in one of his silent moods so I gave him his space. The next day he was telling the whole office I was a bitch and ignoring him when I wasn’t in the room (I’m middle management) I went off on my way to speak to a manager about a complaint and he stopped me when it was just me and him alone. He looked so angry saying “what are you fucking doing to me?? You DON’T ignore me. You respect how I feel” etc. I was so lost for words I told him that this is unprofessional and he needs to step away. His parting words were “this was the wrong thing to do to me” and walked off.

He then left for the day and took the next day off due to depression. I told my manager what has happened due to the fact it’s now affected work. He said I haven’t done anything wrong and has moved me to be next to him.

I have since found out that Fred has been trying to find out where I live. On our systems and asking other colleagues. Thankfully my address hasn’t been shared.

I told my best friend (who is also friends with Fred and his GF) that I am planning on logging this with HR as I’m scared. My friend then went ballistic saying that he is going through a hard time and I should respect that etc and now she isn’t talking to me.

What do I do??

My DH has been so lovely and so understanding. I feel so embarrassed by what he has done as a few members of my team have been asking what’s happened etc I haven’t said anything and played ignorance.

What would you do?

I have to see him Monday and worried about what will happen.

Your ‘friend’ is no friend! I don’t even know you and I’m worried about you! If it was my best friend I’d be meeting her when she finished work and taking her home etc. Plus telling Fred’s girlfriend. That fucker is unhinged. HR minimum, consider the police - he threatened you!!

Be careful.

He is manipulative and emotionally abusive. You should definitely raise this with HR.

Also your best friend is a cunt

Honestly if he has been looking for your address I would go to the police. He clearly wants to know where you live, why? To stalk? To damage your property? To threaten you or do?

I’d phone 101 to log it, and ask the police to speak to him and then inform HR first thing Monday. Perhaps work from home too, if possible.

@boujie got it in 2 simple comments 😅.

In all serious though op, I hope you’re ok? Your friend is clearly in a manipulated haze created by this man.

It sounds bloody scary!

You MUST tell HR. He sounds unhinged and threatening.

I think you need to raise it immediately with someone at work- by email.
I’d also not go in until the matter is resolved, I think you being around him isn’t safe especially as he’s making threats.
It’s worrying that he wants to find out where you live- what are his intentions? Does anyone know where you live?

I don’t like the sound of that guy. He’s a weirdo.

Defo raise it with hr in writing.

I think perhaps a phone call to the police for advice may be helpful although I wouldn’t expect them to do anything.

I don’t have experience if this kind of potential retribution for hurting his feelings but perhaps women’s aid may be good for advice?

I’m sorry you’re going through this nonsense.

How in the world did this guy feel it appropriate to tell you he has the hots for you, a married woman? I'd report him alright. I might even look for a new job.
Why is your "friend" friends with this guy, whom you only have known and worked with for 4 months?

Did you tell your husband about this guy? What does he think?

Your friend is a twat of the highest order.

You broke the "girl" code,instead of being polite,nice,accommodating,not making waves and probably apologising a few times for existing just in case , you're ready to stand up and say this is wrong,It's not my fault. You've upset the status quo, and instead of her being angry at the abusive and possibly dangerous man she lashed out at you. Her loss.

YANBU at all. You have the right to complain, to work in a safe environment and not to put up with a man that's throwing a temper tantrum because he can't have his "toy". You're not responsible for his MH, the outcome of the complaint or his past,present or future behaviour. He is.

Definitely go to HR.

On another note why do people always say to phone 101 to 'log something'. The police don't just have some log of unofficial complaints.

There is a great book called the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It looks at stalkers and the like. One of the things he points out is that women are socialised to be nice to the point where we ignore or discomfort and gut instincts about a man’s behaviour.
Trust your gut and sod his feelings he clearly doesn’t care about how you feel.

I’m not socialised to be nice. I can be really confrontational and defensive sometimes. Sometimes I might regret it but in this case I’d have blown my top at him and the useless friend and enjoyed it. If anything Op you need to get a little more dramatic. Be proactive and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Thank you all for your kind comments.

Well it looks like the friendship is definitely over with my ‘best friend’ her parting words were “I suggest we just try and get on as best as we can for other people’s sake” I told her that if she wasn’t there to support me through this then there’s no point in continuing our friendship anyway. This has made me feel shit in itself. We have been so close for 6 odd years then this. WTF. Surely she should’ve encouraged me to go and speak to HR.

To the PP who asked how they are friends, Fred started there when I started may leave last year. So she has known him quite a bit longer than I have known him. She also hates being in the middle of this and feels awful for Fred’s girlfriend (also her friend) and told me that Fred’s girlfriend is her main priority in all this. But she has said that if it comes out and Fred’s girlfriend finds out then she doesn’t want her knowing that she has known all this time (if that makes sense!)

My DH told me the first thing I do is log it with HR and he is dropping me off and picking me up from work now. He’s been wonderful.

Sorry for going on and on. I know my ex friend has now shown her true colours but I’m so sad this has been the result and I’ve lost her. I know I will move on from it but I’m so shocked at all of this.

Thank you all again so much. It’s so reassuring to know I’m not being ‘dramatic’ about this.

Wow, your so called best friend is a bitch. She should absolutely be supporting you and earning “Fred’s” girlfriend what is happening! He is cray cray! He is obsessing over you for some reason. Things like this can go scary really quickly. I would email HR over him trying to obtain your address. I would also call the police Re the threats and him trying to get your address. He may try and follow you home.

The Gavin DeBecker Gift of Fear is always recommended in situations like this. A very good read with fantastic recommendations

Of course go to hr. He sounds unhinged. Hes angry he can't have you, that's never right. Your friends being a dick. This is work and hes being super unprofessional.

He is dangerous.

Very very dangerous.

He needs to be suspended for your safety. This is totally unacceptable.

Glad you are going to HR.

Dont be alone anywhere he can be.

I would also mention ex bf’s behaviour to HR as well, btw... this could cause a shitshow if you are accused of “leading him on” despite what boss says. Sounds like bestie is a jealous troll.

What is it with all these deranged blokes at work thinking it’s their god given right to point at a female colleague and declare “that one” and feel entitled to a relationship?!

@Gettingtoomuch1 absolutely go to HR. There was a very similar post from another woman recently and her work have been incredibly supportive. He cannot behave like this. He is threatening and hugely inappropriate. Vile, entitled man. I’m sorry your friend can’t see that and is being so unsupportive.

I wondered if that may be the case, (that ex friend knew him first). I am glad that you feel clearer about reporting him now, and that your dh is looking out for you.

Btw, at no stage have you “done” anything to him. He is in command of his feelings and is choosing to act and feel this way. Do not feel guilty for one second. You have not “made” him obsessive. He CAN help himself.

Have a read of this thread. Quite similar, but the guy doesn't sound quite as bad as Fred. There was some great advice on the thread though.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3694121-To-be-getting-more-and-more-concerned-regarding-male-colleague

SO GLAD you're going to HR. You absolutely have to - this has the potential to escalate.

How DARE he try to find out your address!

I had a situation years ago where a male colleague started taking too much interest in me - we were doing day release at a college course, along with another 2 friends (so not just him and me) and of course we'd have coffee break together as we all knew each other. First sign of trouble was when he sent me a Valentine's card out of the blue. I had a long term boyfriend with whom I lived part of the week, but the rest of the week I was alone in the house.
Anyway - I don't know how he'd got my address, I never gave it to him so he obviously lifted it from work records. I didn't respond to the card and he then ignored me at college. But then he started sending letters to my home address which were a mix of "I'm sorry", "it's your fault", and vague threats. I replied to the first one, thinking that would be an end of it, categorically stating that I had done nothing to encourage him and already had a partner thanks.

It ended up with me having to go the police because he would openly talk about his "death list" at work, which I headed up, and work wouldn't do anything concrete about his behaviour - I wasn't the only one affected either, there was another girl in our office similarly targeted.

Work behaved disgracefully from top to bottom over it. I was told to grow up, suck it up, keep telling them when he overstepped etc. - but the police coming in did sort it finally. Nothing happened to him - he was still employed - but he had to formally apologise to me and stop the harassment, which he did.

It was absolute hell living with it. I ended up leaving the job not too long after, primarily for other personal reasons, but I wasn't sorry to go because of all this shit.

Beware that others in the office might believe his "spin" on the situation as well, especially if he starts badmouthing you - and drop the "best" friend who has no interest in your wellbeing.

Oh should also point out that my harasser was a diagnosed bipolar disorder sufferer, who was on and off about taking his lithium.
Not that I'm saying "Fred" has that issue, but it adds in another dimension.

Your friend is wrong and not much of a friend. Her loss not yours. You arent wrong to want to report to HR and actually you should - the danger here is he could easily decide to make up some story that makes you sound inappropriate and cause you trouble at work due to the rejection. You need to have matters properly recorded. It's also unfair to you to feel uncomfortable and unsafe at work/outside of work due to this.