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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD's, mum's new BF.. Is this too soon. Or aibu

51 replies

Qwerty19 · 21/09/2019 13:53

We don't have a great relationship with dsd mum she's caused many problems for us. Lies etc etc. And it's looking as dsd will be with us ft soon
Her dm as had, Many BFs in the last couple of years.. Some have met dsd some not.
We know this as there's a mutual friend but mainly what dsd tells us.

Dsd has just said I'm going to Spain with mummy and her new boyfriend in Oct half term for 5 nights. . We said how lovely as it'll be sunny and well have rain I expect and she was super lucky. Etc.
.. Dsd is 7.
She then said. I havent met him yet but I have seen a photo mummy showed me he looks nice ill meet him soon. . !. Bearing in mind half term is a few weeks away. She's not met him yet going away with him.

I think it's wrong and feel annoyed by this.
Each time she's met a BF and dsd is introduced.. It fizzles out and she's told some wild story as to why they don't see, x y x. Anymore.

Off the top of my head in 2 years there's been 5 men that dsd has met.. Plus some she knows of but didn't meet.

I know that it's none of our business as such as in her love life side of things but can't help. being annoyed that dsd is in this situation again.

OP posts:
Needbettername · 21/09/2019 13:56

YANBU but not much you can do.

TrainspottingWelsh · 21/09/2019 13:58

Yanbu. I don’t agree with anyone introducing casual boyfriends/ girlfriends to their dc, and even when it is at the serious, permanent stage and on the pathway to being long term partners it should be done slowly.

Sotiredofthislife · 21/09/2019 14:02

The problem is, her mum is as entitled to a new relationship as her ex is. Presumably he did some dating also? Maybe he got lucky and met you first time or very quickly but that’s not how it happens for everyone.

Why will DSD be with you full time soon?

Original poster
Qwerty19 · 21/09/2019 14:05

Luckily I was the first date.. And now married. We waited over a Yr to meet dsd.

Due to her care she's recieving etc. Can't go into much detail. It's recommended by SS. We just needed a bigger place so are in process of going private and giving up our HA one for that reason. We have 2 weeks left here.
Court date is Dec.
That's one of the reasons she's only allowed 5 nights out of country without permission.
If I could say more I would but unfortunately I can't.

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 21/09/2019 14:08

Yabu
But only because it's none of your business. If dsds dad has a problem with this then he wnbu to speak to her mum about it. You need to but out and back off also stop judging the mum

Notopel · 21/09/2019 14:11

Perhaps a bit of compassion that you’ve been lucky enough to find a lasting relationship, whereas DSD’s mother has had the failure of her relationship with the father of her child and is trying to find love as a lone parent?

I’ve had one relationship since my divorce in 2015 and it didn’t work out. DS is six. I won’t go into how incredibly painful it is to see the loss of your hopes and dreams but maybe you should find the way to be a little kinder, as you’re in the more fortunate position.

ISmellBabies · 21/09/2019 14:14

In a way yabu because it's none of your business but on the other hand it's not great parenting and it would be better for dd if there wasn't a parade of presumably rubbish blokes popping in and out of her life every 5 minutes. I suppose you just have to suck it up and be the ones to provide some stability.

TrainspottingWelsh · 21/09/2019 14:19

I don’t agree the mothers undeniable right to find a new relationship is relevant. I don’t interpret op as being remotely bothered about how many new boyfriends the mother has, just introducing them to dsd.

If the mother was having one night stands every time her dd was out of the house I’d be the first to defend her right to do so and tell op it had fuck all to do with her. Introducing a train of casual boyfriends and taking dc away with a very new one with no gradual introduction is completely different.

Northernsoullover · 21/09/2019 14:21

Its interesting to see so many sticking up for the mum. Such a change from when lone parents ask when to introduce their new partner...

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/09/2019 14:24

YANBU. That’s grim. Poor child. Who tf wants to go on holiday with a complete stranger theyve never met? No-one does.

I’m sure it’s all being done by you and DH already OP but make sure there is some groundwork being done on personal boundaries, PANTS, who to tell if something feels wrong, what gut feelings are, and in the long term, healthy relationship boundaries and taking time to get to know someone etc.

HennyPennyHorror · 21/09/2019 14:25

Of course YANBU! Cannot BELIEVE all these fools saying you are!

WHO takes their child on holiday to a foreign country with a bloody stranger!?

Who else is she exposing her child to? I'd be seriously concerned.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/09/2019 14:41

YANBU and I'm a single mum. I don't think any parent, male or female, should introduce new partners so soon.

Doesn't matter if the mum is lonely or not, she shouldn't be taking her child on holiday with a partner that she hasn't even met! It's clear that the DSD has plenty of contact with her dad, so her mother has enough free time to date and have a private life without getting her daughter involved at such an early stage.

MustardScreams · 21/09/2019 14:42

Christ, since when was finding a relationship more important that making sure a child had a safe, secure and happy life?

Op YANBU. I would not be happy with this at all. The mother clearly cannot make sensible decisions regarding her child, I wouldn’t dream of taking dd on holiday with a stranger.

The sooner dsd moves in with you the better. That poor girl.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/09/2019 14:47

YANBU.

Yes Mom deserves love / commitment / just good sex etc but you can do that without telling your 6 yo about every one of them and introducing a succession of men. And taking a man on holiday with your 6 yo when they've never met is selfish at best and down right irresponsible at worst

justasking111 · 21/09/2019 14:52

Am observing this with a family member with a new boyfriend she wants to take GCs away with them and is miffed that her DD is not onboard with this. Her DD feels that the new man is a stranger and as such they really know nothing about him. It is tricky.

CarolDanvers · 21/09/2019 14:57

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carly2803 · 21/09/2019 15:03

im a single mum and theres no way on this planet id introduce any man to my child, until an absolute minimum of 6 months knowing him and confident he is here to stay.

So no, you are not being unreasonable but there isnt a lot you can do about it.

ElevenSmiles · 21/09/2019 15:19

Is the mutual friend your spy ? do you quiz the little girl about her mom ?Sound like you are looking for ammunition for your upcoming court date.

NarwhalsNarwhals · 21/09/2019 15:20

YANBU, I dated a lot of men after I had DS and before finding DH. DS met 2 of them, 1 who I had been friends with for years and years, so had already met DS before we started dating and then DH once I was sure DH would be sticking around. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her dating as many men as she likes but there is no reason to keep introducing them to DSD until things are serious.

Dollymixture22 · 21/09/2019 15:21

Not unreasonable at all. I would be very concerned about this little girl going on holiday with a man she hasn’t met.

I assume her mum has other issues given the custody issue - she doesn’t seem to be making good choices.

Are you confident her mum will take good care of her in spain? If you have serious concerns about her safety and as social services are already involved you could maybe have a word.

StockTakeFucks · 21/09/2019 15:21

YANBU to be annoyed. It sucks from many aspects emotional,mental and safe guarding of the child. However,there's not a lot you can do about it, just like Mums can't stop dads introducing a new girlfriend every 3 months.

Just like she couldn't have stopped your DH introducing 10 women in a year to DSD if he were that way inclined.

Just grit your teeth and hang in there. If you do get custody at least she'll be less exposed to this and hopefully settle in her new routine.

Slagging mum off or getting in an argument with her about it won't help the child involved.

Nothing wrong with being annoyed or even angry about the situation, or moaning about it on MN.

WonderWomansSpin · 21/09/2019 15:22

I don't think it matters that she's meeting him for the first time when they go on holiday. Surely what's more relevant is how long her DM has been dating him before letting DSD meet him?

StockTakeFucks · 21/09/2019 15:24

Is the mutual friend your spy ? do you quiz the little girl about her mom ?

Little kids talk..A LOT. They also aren't stupid.I work with kids and I know way more than I should about their parents relationships,new bfs,gfs, depression over a divorce etc.

ElevenSmiles · 21/09/2019 15:27

Good for you stock, can't beat a know it all..............................

Longlongsummer · 21/09/2019 15:28

My ex took our son away camping with a new gf he’d only just met at a similar age.

I agree it wasn’t great parenting, however I wonder if men get away with this more than women?

No one was remotely concerned about our son going camping with new gf. And ex didn’t even tell me!