DSD's, mum's new BF.. Is this too soon. Or aibu

[Qwerty19]

We don't have a great relationship with dsd mum she's caused many problems for us. Lies etc etc. And it's looking as dsd will be with us ft soon
Her dm as had, Many BFs in the last couple of years.. Some have met dsd some not.
We know this as there's a mutual friend but mainly what dsd tells us.

Dsd has just said I'm going to Spain with mummy and her new boyfriend in Oct half term for 5 nights. . We said how lovely as it'll be sunny and well have rain I expect and she was super lucky. Etc.
.. Dsd is 7.
She then said. I havent met him yet but I have seen a photo mummy showed me he looks nice ill meet him soon. . !. Bearing in mind half term is a few weeks away. She's not met him yet going away with him.

I think it's wrong and feel annoyed by this.
Each time she's met a BF and dsd is introduced.. It fizzles out and she's told some wild story as to why they don't see, x y x. Anymore.

Off the top of my head in 2 years there's been 5 men that dsd has met.. Plus some she knows of but didn't meet.

I know that it's none of our business as such as in her love life side of things but can't help. being annoyed that dsd is in this situation again.

I don't think it matters that she's meeting him for the first time when they go on holiday.

Yes it does. First meetings of parents new partner should be short- a few hours, then if doesn’t go well the child can go home/partner leaves and child can relax. Their first meeting will last a week! If she hates him she still has to tolerate him for the whole holiday. A holiday is supposed to be a fun relaxing time with family- if she hates this man that’s her holiday completely ruined and she will have no escape from him.

I don't see anything in the OP which suggests that either she or her husband think that his ex should be denied a new relationship. Picking up on that is (which doesn't appear to exist) is deflecting from the fact that this little child is being introduced to a lot of new boyfriends. That is absolutely not good for this little girl.

When I met DH, DSS was 6 - I wasn't introduced to him until we'd been together 15 months and had decided we were going to get married. It was all done very gradually to make it easier for DSS. He was the priority. He's 24 now and we've always had a good relationship.

This little girl should be the priority for everyone involved with her.

I agree it wasn’t great parenting, however I wonder if men get away with this more than women?

On here they wouldn't but I do think in the wider society men are given more leeway over this.

Sadly, unless there are other serious issues(and sometimes not even then) one parent has no right to dictate what the other one does.

I don’t think this is ok OP. The mum is allowed her own life, but presumable this little girl will be sharing accommodation with her mum and latest squeeze. Is it an apartment, single hotel room or what?

All too over familiar for me.

Of course it matters that they're meeting for the first time when they go on holiday! It's not fair to force a child to spend one or two weeks NON STOP with a complete stranger! Way too much pressure for a young child.

Christ, since when was finding a relationship more important that making sure a child had a safe, secure and happy life?

Well, looking at some of the nippy, sarky comments on this thread @MustardScreams, it seems it's the most important thing. Certainly more important than some pesky child, eh?

I know that it's none of our business as such as in her love life side of things but can't help. being annoyed that dsd is in this situation again

Of course you’re not being unreasonable to be annoyed.

Unfortunately nothing you can do unless you have serious concerns about DSD’s wellbeing

Why has SS become involved though?. Are there concerns for the childs welfare here?.If the mother pf DSD is neglecting her child ,then that is not the same as meeting new BF which is her business only .If a court date has already been set ,you really have no choice until then but to wait and see. SP always seem to get a bad rap on here ,and yet they are still people and have as much of a right as the next person to find a new DP!.

I was the kid introduced to a seemingly never ending cycle of boyfriends thanks to my Mum and it is difficult for a child to experience so YANBU.

To those who have said you are, I can’t imagine why. My Mum would (once in a blue moon) find a really nice boyfriend who was really nice and we (my siblings and I) grew close to them, as our Father was a complete no-show for most of our lives. It broke our hearts when she ‘traded in’ because we formed positive relationships with some, only to lose them. Nobody is saying the Mother isn’t allowed to have a relationship, but to continuously introduce her DD to the new man with, seemingly, little forethought or consideration of what impact this could have on her DD is not good.

Oh you're just so good aren't you? hmm. Mind your business
Are yo uthe Mom Carol? Of course it's their business. The Dads child and OP's step daughter is at risk emotionally, you think that isn't as important as Mom getting a holiday with her current BF?

Thank you for the mixed responses.
I know it's not my business personally but when it affects a child that I have taken into my life. Always been there for her etc it does annoy me as we pick up the pieces when she's tosses aside and issues start.. Ie bedwetting.

As for needing amunition for court.. Belive me that's not needed. She digs herself in big enough holes.

We do not quiz her on anything. She's very chatty. Only time we ever day anything is when she's not herself and we ask if she's OK and to always tell us if she's feeling sad.

And yes I was lucky that we have a long standing relationship however I've had some bad relationship experiences so it's not my first long term one.. I was with ds dad for 9 years.

We hvve no issues in her mum having relationships of course she can. She has a right to be happy.. But when it affects dsd then it is a piss off.. The poor girl will go on holiday with a stranger..

If that was dh when we first met he would be slated.

The sad irony is that if it was DSD's mum posting she would've been slated,told to grow up,out her child first and how U she is to even consider this holiday as ok.

But because you're the stepmum you MUST be in the wrong and hiding some evil plot.

So why is she still with her mother ?

But because you're the stepmum you MUST be in the wrong and hiding some evil plot

Nah. I once posted about my ex giving his new girlfriend one of only 2 tickets per family for a nativity play at school. Said girlfriend had moved in with my ex before she met my children and at that point had been in their lives exactly 5 weeks. Step parents on here told me - in considerable numbers - that she obviously cared about my children and was just trying to be a good step mum so I should let it go.

I don’t agree with early introductions but I do think that it is easy to forget how difficult it can be to find the right relationship. Step parents conveniently forget that their relationships are often facilitated by an ex who has the children 12 out of 14 nights but are scathing when the ex dares to ask her ex to have the children so she can have a night out. There is clearly an awful lot more to this case so it is difficult to make further comment.

@Sotiredofthislife tbh there's a lot of shit flying from both sides on a lot of mixed families threads. Some of the stories are heartbreaking or upsetting from either perspective but the "other" side is so busy attacking the mum/step mum that they forget there are real people behind the screen and children stuck in the middle of it all. It can be really crap.

She's there until evidence is provided from various parties and we needed a bigger space as she can't share a room with my teenager.
In 2 weeks we get our house. She will then have her own room which is recommended.

I would judge the stupid cow until, erm, the cows come home. Why are some selfish parents incapable of putting their child first
YANBU.

You're right of course OP, but sadly it's not your place ... why did the mum and dad split out of curiosity?

I don't get this whole idea that children are such precious snowflakes that they can't deal with people coming in and out of their lives. They take their cues from us so all the angst from the OTHER parent is what generally affects them, not the meeting of someone new. It's another of those control issues but, clearly, I'm alone in that thinking.
FWIW, my children have met partners of their dads over the years. Some really soon, others not. No biggie for them because no biggie for me. All happy, well adjusted teens/adults.

There are clearly other issues at play here so it's not really just about meeting new partners. Makes it a little different I think.

In all honesty I'd be contacting the childs social worker and explaining my unease at the thought of the mother taking the child on holiday for five days with a complete stranger. Let them make the decision as to wether or not DSD should be in that situation. Presumably DSD is on the at risk register, or at least classed as a child in need? I really would not be happy with this at all.

This is dreadful that poor little girl. Does she have a social worker?
Hopefully she moves in with you soon.
He could be any one. She’ll have no escape from him on that holiday.

I totally understand why you are unhappy and worried about this situation. I get that this too will go into the pot of evidence even though it sounds like you don't need any more evidence.
However she is going away with a man that has only been in her M life for a very short time. She has not met him therefore the mother has no idea how he behaves around children and if 5 days will be too much. What his idea of their holiday - making it fun for your SD or fun for him and the mother with the little one just there.
Is it abroad I can't remember what you said. If so it will be near impossible for you to get her if it doesn't go well.
I'm not sure what you can do apart from your H ask to have her under the guise that they can have a nice holiday alone.
You are going to be beyond worried whilst she's away.

This is one of the reasons I'm NC with my mother. After divorcing, her latest squeeze always came first. The violent ones, the one who used to grab my bum when I was 14. She eventually married a boring, ugly man who she wouldn't usually have looked twice at, but he was well off and she was losing her looks. He made it clear he didn't want to be reminded she had had husbands prior to him. His parents called her damaged goods for already having kids but even that didn't put her off because now she has expensive holidays and can buy what she likes.

My friend's mother by contrast put her kids first, didn't parade men through their lives and managed on a shoestring and still has close relationships with them both. We are all either LC or NC. She was and is a shit excuse for a parent and frankly the mother who thinks this is a good plan is a shit parent too.

From personal experience I would be worried.

It's not great but it is also worth remembering that as she has been the resident parent it's harder not to introduce a new partner unless you have lots of babysitters and money to go out.

It’s very easy to not introduce new partners actually. Op’s dsd clearly spends time with her father, the child’s mother should only be seeing her streams of men when her dd is with her dad.