Neighbours don't like me

[Cheeselipbalm]

So I've had a somewhat frosty reception from our neighbours since moving in. I think they find me irritating as I always say hello in a really loud voice and I have quite a few people over/ garden party's (never late.) I invited them a few times but they always said no so I stopped bothering.
Recently the police came round to talk to us as they'd been harassing our other neighbours apparently! I still said hello as I thought maybe the neighbour was in the wrong/ wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Now they're straight up ignoring me. Even on the school run which is so awkward! I think they think that I told the police something about them. I'm a people pleaser so I find people not liking me really hard to deal with. Now I'm worried to play music or talk in the back garden or let the children play on the trampoline in case it annoys them, which is ridiculous as I haven't done anything wrong.

You need to stop caring about what they think. I did this and it was truly liberating.

OP I mean this in the nicest possible way but do you shriek a bit? I live amongst Greeks and they are very vocal, especially the women.

@GreenwoodLane I do I really do, but I'm so wound up by people not liking me or my kids. I think it's also the dream I had of moving to a new area and having nice neighbours after living next door to the worst, chavviest people before. Vomit all over our garden path, a takeaway thrown at our front window, frequent police visits. I thought these people were a nice, normal family and maybe we could share a beer in the garden in the summer. It's gone so wrong in less than a year.

OP it is fairly unusual for the police to visit in relation to neighbor disputes so these people just aren't that nice, it is nothing to do with you.

Also ignore racist posts that suggest you should only speak English in your own house and garden.

Um. I had a very friendly neighbour. No offence, but she was irritating. I know she meant well and was a nice lady otherwise, but we are very different people, her and me. She probably thought that I didn't like her too. It's not that, it's just that I'm not an overly friendly person and like to keep myself to myself.

She used tried to come to me for 'coffee' a few times, invited me over to her flat, kept on inviting me to the parks, playgrounds, etc (we both have similar age children), kept on chatting with me when we met outside. Like I said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, if both parties are the same.

OP, don't take it to heart. Maybe your neighbours are like me: a bit grumpy, a bit quiet. That doesn't mean they hate you, they just don't want to socialize.

OK, I am saying this kindly, but, my neighbours don't like me and I live in Spain. They think I am a recluse (which I am not) I just tell DD to keep the noise down, to take her shoes off, I do not SLAM THE DOOR instead of shutting it and I do not keep my 2year old up 'till 11pm.

Fireworks do not start going off at 3am in my ideal world.

Now I have lived in flats all over the world (including Rome) and I have never known noise like it!

My DH and DD when they speak to each other in Spanish SHOUT, my DH shouts at me all the time, he knows no other level, I have to constantly tell him to keep it down, I can't bear it (he is Spanish obvs)

It sounds like the neighbours are killing each other and they are discussing tortilla de patatas.

Honestly, it is a cultural thing and I am not saying you are like this, but it sound suspiciously like you are and you just have to realise it is a cultural thing.

You are a lot louder than you think. I mean this kindly. Just tone it down to British noise levels.

“It sounds like the neighbours are killing each other and they are discussing tortilla de patatas”

Oh I hate this. I often look out of my window - rough neighbourhood - and think people are starting a fight and it’s just a chat.

I don’t believe the national stereotypes, I just think some people are very noisy, some are average, some are quiet.

OP you make no sense. You say are loud, then say you don’t know so maybe your neighbour should tell you! So what if they don’t like you?

You sound like a great neighbor! I’d love to have someone friendly and sociable living next door! What a bunch of miseries you live near!

Quiet people aren't necessarily miseries, @ariamontgomery

I really can't cope with loud neighbours. At the moment I have lovely quiet ones. We say Hi (quietly) to each other, and we watch each others' houses when we are away. But otherwise all is calm and peaceful, and that's how I like it.
They're talking of selling up next year, and I'm already worried that I'll get loud ones. Even if they're nice people, I'll find that really hard.

I'm actually a nice person who likes people. But other people's noise is really hard for me.

My neighbourhood is certainly not rough, nor my DH or DD!

In fact my DH is from aristocracy here.
They're just Spanish

They do.not.understand.quiet. Well, my DD does obviously as I have brought her up mainly English, but it is amazing to see the switch when she changes languages to speak to her father or friends.

I often get up at 3am when the neighbours have finally gone to bed and relish the calm.

(Again, not saying OP is like this)

I DO believe the national stereotypes, I certainly am one here. Never felt more so.

I understand your disappointment, but whatever is going on is their problem and not yours. I probably would be the bigger person and still say hello but no more than that.

Recently the police came round to talk to us as they'd been harassing our other neighbours apparently! I still said hello as I thought maybe the neighbour was in the wrong/ wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt

Why?! Just because you wanted them to be nice neighbours and good friends with you? They clearly don't want to be friend with you and they were obviously in the wrong if the police had been called about them harassing other neighbour! Nobody has to be friends with you. Just accept it and move on.

Well if they told your BIL to pipe down when he was noisy and the police said they harassed the neighbours, so i doubt they'd be shy in telling you to shut up or jog on if they felt you noisy and intrusive.

They may not dislike you, they may but you will never know. They may just not be interested. Or if they've had an issue with another neighbour then perhaps that started friendly and went wrong, so now they'd rather ignore or be aloof to protect themselves?

You should stop guessing and worrying. Smile when you pass, don't bother with hellos and so long as your not screaming or blaring music it's all good.

You need to focus on not trying to get a reaction you want, not trying controlling the situation to your choice, and look to why you feel this people pleasing need and desperation to be liked/pally with everyone.

Try reading 'the life changing magic of not giving a fuck.'

maybe we could share a beer in the garden in the summer. It's gone so wrong in less than a year.

I don't do that with any of my neighbours and I've been here 16 years. We say hello and do have a conversation every now and then, but everyone does their own thing and don't live in each other's pockets. Everyone here is like that. I think you are expecting too much.

I think Op moved to her new house with an idea of community life which involved people being friendly and chatting and some people becoming actual friends who would come for a coffee or a beer or whatever.

From this thread it’s clear that most people don’t want to make friends with neighbours and many don’t even want to be friendly. More than a smile or nod is a real push for lots of people.

Op needs to adjust her expectations to the reality of British neighbourliness - in most cases, it just is very limited. There are areas or streets where people are more friendly, but this doesn’t seem to be one of them. She needs to accept this disappointment. Fortunately she has friends and family who come round (lots of people don’t have that and don’t want anyone to come round) so needs to carry on enjoying that. Children playing, people having a beer and chatting in the garden in summer during sensible hours are all perfectly acceptable things and she should carry on enjoying them.

People who live close to neighbours need to accept people will use their gardens and socialise during decent hours. To expect silence or no sound of children playing in gardens or people living their lives (talking, hoovering, watching TV) is entirely unreasonable and it is they who are not suited to living in close proximity to others, not those who are aware of others but enjoying their lives.

My downstairs neighbour is Spanish and uses his balcony for shouting into Facetime (and being shouted at back) and smoking. I use mine for plants. He gets irritated if there's ever a water drip on to his balcony (and I do mean a drip - I have saucers etc but there's very occasionally a drip from the watering can). I'm not shit hot on the chain smoking and the shouting. But neither of us actually say anything - he races out of his flat and glares up until I notice. I close my balcony doors against the smoke.

Unfortunately, when you can't afford to live somewhere without neighbours, there has to be give and take. The vast majority of people in my building are non-British - generally, we seem to rub along OK. I say hello on the stairs/in the lift. Some people respond - some don't. We cope. It's possible to be courteous without being friends, tbh.

But if they have form for harassment, you have bigger issues than their irritation at the trampoline/noise/parties tbh

incognita you are a much better neighbour than me. I would be watering my plants all over his lit cigarettes.