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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP! Advise needed URGENTLY!

27 replies

Confusedmumma12 · 20/09/2019 18:41

Hi, So basically I have a son who is 7. Me and his father have been separated for sometime. When he was around 4years old his dad didn't see him for around a year! I never stopped him but equally I didn't chase him (cos frankly why should I? No-one chases me to be a mother!) he simply never got in touch and never asked to see him for a year. So he asked to see him and I let him and although sporadic at times he saw him regularly for around 6months. He then stopped contacting to see our son again and the last time he saw him was 24th October 2018 again almost a year ago. Today I have received a message from a friend of his which states DAD has asked him to message to ask if DAD can take his son to park one day next week. He doesn't want to speak to me just see the son...……..Now I should also mention he has never financially contributed towards his son either. Now I feel like its not healthy for our son to have his dad pop in and out of his life in this manner? I want to say NO... but am I being unreasonable? I also don't want my son to grow up thinking I prevented him having a relationship with his dad... when in the past I begged and pleaded for him to see our son. Should I say we need to go to mediation first? (which I know he will decline) or should I just say no? Also how am I meant to be comfortable allowing this dad to take him when I have no contact details for him or idea where he is going? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
crustycrab · 20/09/2019 18:44

YANBU and tell the friend you don't want to speak to an unofficial go-between!

OpportunityKnocks · 20/09/2019 18:44

Why doesn't he want to deal with you directly?

Personally, no contact details, no chance

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 20/09/2019 18:46

I wouldn’t even discuss this with a third party. If he’s serious he can be a grown up and contact you himself.

Louloulovesyou · 20/09/2019 18:48

I think it would be perfectly sensible to say mediation first, you are totally right that him picking and choosing when
to bother with his son, will be terrible for your boy. I can only imagine what it will do to your son's self esteem! If his Dad really wants to be a part of your son's life then he needs to be consistent and make a commitment to be a good and present dad. And the first step in demonstrating that is him turning up to mediation.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/09/2019 18:48

No mother in their right mind would agree to contact this way OP. If he isnt grown up and civillized enough to be able to communicate directly with you then the answer would be a resounding No.

TimeforanotherChange · 20/09/2019 18:50

Agree with all the others. Is this a mutual friend? If so, I'd text to say, 'Sorry. I'm not prepared to discuss contact arrangements for my child with anyone except ex.'

If it's simply a friend of his I'd ignore it. Why should you text a stranger about your child?

Original poster
Confusedmumma12 · 20/09/2019 18:53

Thanks everyone! No its not a mutual friend just a friend of his! I just don't think this popping in then disappearing for a year is healthy for my sons emotional well being! He isn't and never has been consistent and isn't someone I would describe as stable in more recent times. But its that maternal guilt kicking it about saying no....like will my son grow up to hate me for not giving in to his dads whims? But I am very glad im not going crazy and you agreed! I think I will be taking the advise of not even messaging his friend back!

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 20/09/2019 18:55

Tell him you will only speak to him directly, but if he wants to be involved in your sons life he needs to set up a formal contact agreement and arrange CSA payments, and that he can't just play 'Dad' when it suits him.

meccacos2 · 20/09/2019 18:57

A stranger contacts you for your ex to see your son.

You don’t know your ex, he is now a stranger. You don’t know your ex’s friend.

No freaking way.

He needs to pay child support. He needs to step up.

5BlueHydrangea · 20/09/2019 19:00

Mediation, maintenance, contact details and a written agreement of commitment would be a good place to start. And direct contact not this mucking about! You're doing the right thing protecting your son.

BarbariansMum · 20/09/2019 19:01

Tell him that, in future, contact will be court-ordered and ask him to apply to the court. Being treated as an optional extra is really not good for your son.

Jeezoh · 20/09/2019 19:02

“If he wants to rebuild his relationship with his son, he should do this through the appropriate legal channels to ensure my son isn’t further damaged by the inconsistent contact he’s had with him so far. I also look forward to hearing when he intends to start paying maintenance for his upkeep.”

MrsKCastle · 20/09/2019 19:02

Personally, I would respond with something like: "I would love to see DAD building a relationship with his son. He has my contact details and I would be happy to discuss it with him directly. I will not discuss this with a 3rd party."

If he does contact you (unlikely) then you can make it clear that if he wants to be a dad, it is a permanent commitment and he needs to set aside regular time and stick to it.

Livehopelove · 20/09/2019 19:10

What @Jeezoh wrote.

bluebeck · 20/09/2019 19:12

I would just block this person and forget about it.

LemonAddict · 20/09/2019 19:12

Jeezoh nailed it, perfect response.

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 20/09/2019 19:14

Say no. My sons father is like this and has caused my teenage son so muhh heartbreak over the years. If he really wants to be involved in his sons life he needs to prove he can be trusted to stick around and be reliable and be able to talk to you himself!

Pinkbonbon · 20/09/2019 19:15

What jeezo said.

Bet he doesn't even want to see him anyway, he's probably just told his pal you are keeping him from his kid, for the sympathy factor. And friend is thinking he's being a good pal helping. Dafty.

Butterfly02 · 20/09/2019 19:29

When my DC was 18 months old I said to ex H you have two choices - regular contact or no contact because he needs stability as much as he needs a father but he doesn't need a father that can't provide stability. He never visited again, DC has never blamed me DC understands why I said what I,said and that ex H was given every chance to be a father he chose not to I never prevented it. I'd go down the mediation root - see what comes of it. A present father is the ideal but an absent father is better than an adhoc unstable relationship with a father.

AlwaysCheddar · 20/09/2019 19:38

I’d ignore the text.

AbbaG12 · 20/09/2019 19:44

I know my best friend really struggled with a father like that. They were constantly coming and going from their life and blamed themselves a lot. They were a lot happier when it was just their stable mother. I remember her bursting into tears when she was 11 and her dad had asked to see her after 2 years. It didn't last long again. I don't think her mother let him contact her again. He tried again when she was adult but I don't think she's seen him for over 10 years now...once again he disappeared. She said to me she wished he'd left the first time and not come back, it would have been easier to deal with.

I think the father needs to know the constant comings and goings from your child's life can greatly impact their mental health and that

Josephinebettany · 20/09/2019 21:25

Exactly what MrsKCastle said!

Travis1 · 20/09/2019 21:35

Definitely not unreasonable at all. You need to protect your son and if DAD wants a relationship he Needs to man up and communicate like an adult.

Bazie · 20/09/2019 22:05

He can't expect to be able to just rock up and take his son to the park after not being bothered for so long, whatever his reasons. He also can't expect you to agree to anything through text messages from a stranger.
I would get some legal advice before anything else. Mediation could be a good idea. I would also suggest supervised visits to start. It's going to take a lot for him to earn yours and your sons trust. And the right to be classed as a father is not just a given.
Also I would have a conversation with the school. I don't know what your ex is like, but the school need to be aware incase he decides to turn up and try to take your son.
If your ex is decent in any way, he will be a man and contact you himself. He will be reasonable and accept your conditions.
Hope it all works out for you. Take care 💐

Original poster
Confusedmumma12 · 20/09/2019 22:52

Thanks everyone I feel alot better now! I haven't responded to the message and am not sure I will frankly! I really appreciate all the support and advise!

OP posts: