AIBU. How would you feel?

[Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady]

This morning DP threw a bunch of keys at me, infront of our child.

They hit me, I cried (shock as much as pain) our child cried and asked why had he done that.

Here's the context...

Rushing to leave the house to get to school. DP is going away for the weekend later. I was the last one out of the house and asked if he had the key to lock up. He said where are your keys? I said they were on the car key (I use the car 99% of the time so my house keys are on the same keyring)

He started getting cross and asked where the spare key was because he was taking the car for the weekend. I said I didn't know. He locked up with his keys and got in the car.

He started going on about how I would have to take his keys and I'm a nightmare for losing stuff. All the time we are getting later for school/work. I said let's sort it out later because he's not going until this evening but he kept going on.

So I snapped and raised my voice a bit and said "can we just get him to school and sort it out later?"

...so he threw a big bunch of keys at me.

I remembered a few minutes later where the spare key was BTW. And he's right I do misplace keys and stuff a lot...but when I'm rushing or stressed I sometimes forget where I've put something and then I panic because I know he's going to kick off which makes it even harder to remember. I just needed a minute to think where the key was.

Anyway, he apologised and I do think he feels really bad for throwing the keys but said I do misplace stuff all the time

How would you feel if this had been your morning?

Well I wouldn’t be bothering to find the keys for him that’s for sure. It’s not ok to throw stuff at people!

Sorry but I think that's abusive LTB territory. What an absolute disgusting cunt.

Does he throw stuff at his boss at work when he’s angry? No? Then he can absolutely control his temper and did it to you on purpose - if he were my DH he’d be out on his ear.

Throwing anything at someone is wrong OP.

Did he throw the keys towards you and they hit you or did he throw them at you with force to hurt you?

Drogo...the latter he was sitting next to me in the car

Yes, as others have said, this is not remotely acceptable. It doesn't matter how annoyed he is, there is no situation when he should be throwing something at you in anger. And by adding a '...but you do misplace things all the time' to his apology means he's suggesting it was your fault for 'making him do it' which is a classic abuser's excuse.

Im sorry, OP. As PP have said, I’m sure he manages to control his anger with his friends and colleagues. This was not okay.

It’s worrying you say you panic because you know he’ll kick off, does he have this kind of a temper normally then?

This isn’t normal behaviour, if my DH had the nerve to throw anything at me he knows the marriage is over. There’s no justification for violence, I’m stressed with three kids going school and going to work, but I wouldn’t start throwing things about. He sounds like an arse.

And then I panic because I know he's going to kick off

Does he become aggressive often, OP?

It sounds like you're treading on eggshells around him.

Not aggressive but he gets cross, he's always had a temper.

I panic because I know he will get angry and I'm stupid for losing stuff.

I do walk on eggshells I think. I very rarely argue with him and if I do I'll end up thinking whatever it was was my fault anyway

Nasty, abusive and completely unacceptable. Panicking because I know hes going to kick off is an awful way to live anyway but him throwing something at you to hurt you is actual violence. Are you ok?

He is a fuckwit. If my morning went like that once it would NEVER do so again. I left my husband for an angry outburst (he had become a really moody shit head) that resulted in him kicking the dog! He would never dare to hurt me!

To be honest reading this back I think it sounds so stupid, like I'm a young girl in her first relationship. I'm not by the way, I'm in my 30s, I'm a grown woman. I KNOW what he did wasn't ok.

I'm not ok but there's a nagging little voice in my head that says I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. He's apologised so let it go...but my son was in tears. It's that that's upset me most.

When we got out of the car and I walked him to the school he said "I'm glad its just us this weekend" 😢

"I'm glad it's just us this weekend" Make that happen permanently

Well, DH has an extremely irritating habit of losing his keys and/or his wallet. He also tends to misplace all kinds of things while he's tidying up. It drives me absolutely crazy.

I've never, not once, thrown something at him. And certainly not something like a set of keys that could really hurt him. Not once.

So, while I have every sympathy for your DH living with someone who is always losing things, he is still 100% in the wrong.

Also the fact that you say he always has a temper and that you are scared to challenge him in case he loses it is a very bad sign.

Ditto, your child telling you that he's glad it will just be the two of you for the weekend is worrying. To be fair, it might be a passing comment from him. But if your H is regularly bad tempered and abusive, your DC might also be aware of this and feel scared when he's around.

I got away from my abusive ex-husband when I was inn my 30s.

It wasn't until the DC were grown up that they both said that they had been frightened of him when they were little.

You need to think very carefully about leaving this man, OP. You and your child deserve a life of peace.

So, he wasn't passing you the keys, and did so aggressively - he actually threw them at you? That's a pretty violent thing to do. One thing would be a kind of "Fine, take the keys then" and an aggressive throw (not acceptable, but more borderline). Another is just to throw something at someone out of frustration / anger.

I would be concerned, to be honest. I can't see how that differs from him hitting you. It's a violent, aggressive act.

Take photos of any marks or cuts caused by the keys hitting you.

Spend this weekend whilst he's away packing his stuff and have a friend / family member with you upon his return to explain that you will not live with a violent man and that he needs to move out.

Do not put up with this, it will only escalate. What if he did this to your child? If you wouldn't accept that, then don't accept it for yourself.

It sounds like your partner is quite controlling and belittling of you. For your child to be glad it's just you, I think says more than you care to acknowledge. You are not stupid, we all forget things sometimes, and you should not live in fear of upsetting him. A man does not have to cause physical injury to be an abuser, although he did that today, all be it apparently unintentionally. If his anger issues are that bad, how long before he loses his temper and throws something that hits your child? If you want to stay in this relationship, I suggest you tell him how he makes you feel, and try couples counseling. Personally I'd say just leave, but easier said than done, and if you love one another you should at least try to resolve things, although I doubt he can change. I hope you've gained some inner strength and realised your worth more by reading all these comments 💐

Ah, I oy ask as dp and I regularly chuck keys to each other even if we are having a bit of an argument but it's only even to give the other one keys and we can't be bothered walking to them, not to hurt the other.
He sounds like a twat.

That would be the end for me, sorry. He could have really hurt you. Your DC also seems a little afraid of him or at least relieved to be without him.

I'm also dyspraxic and keys- using them and keeping track of them- are something I struggle with despite being v organised.

I wouldn't have posted this on mumsent.
People tend to look into the relationship more than the child in ?
I am sorry that your son experienced this from your dp. Him seeing this might of given him a bad day at school.
Although arguments in loving relationships are natural. Only you know if he has overstepped the mark. People talk about abuse so easy and that does no one any favours. What I would say to him is in future if he is going to get angry make sure he does it when DS is not around. That has a way of calming the man down. Again hope you all can resolve this and be a stronger happy family.
Poor boy.

I had a choice whether to post about it on an anonymous forum or talk to people IRL and I'm not sure that's a good idea to be honest. If I was DP I wouldn't be thrilled about that!

Of course you wouldn't be thrilled if you were DP. If word gets out that he has actually hit you with keys he has thrown at you, he will not be seen favorably. As he should not be. He will rightfully be seen as a bully and an abuser. He will not like to be faced with the reality of his behavior.