AIBU. How would you feel?

[Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady]

This morning DP threw a bunch of keys at me, infront of our child.

They hit me, I cried (shock as much as pain) our child cried and asked why had he done that.

Here's the context...

Rushing to leave the house to get to school. DP is going away for the weekend later. I was the last one out of the house and asked if he had the key to lock up. He said where are your keys? I said they were on the car key (I use the car 99% of the time so my house keys are on the same keyring)

He started getting cross and asked where the spare key was because he was taking the car for the weekend. I said I didn't know. He locked up with his keys and got in the car.

He started going on about how I would have to take his keys and I'm a nightmare for losing stuff. All the time we are getting later for school/work. I said let's sort it out later because he's not going until this evening but he kept going on.

So I snapped and raised my voice a bit and said "can we just get him to school and sort it out later?"

...so he threw a big bunch of keys at me.

I remembered a few minutes later where the spare key was BTW. And he's right I do misplace keys and stuff a lot...but when I'm rushing or stressed I sometimes forget where I've put something and then I panic because I know he's going to kick off which makes it even harder to remember. I just needed a minute to think where the key was.

Anyway, he apologised and I do think he feels really bad for throwing the keys but said I do misplace stuff all the time

How would you feel if this had been your morning?

It feels like this is a glimpse of some deeper stuff OP, my heart goes out to you.

It might be worth asking HQ to move this thread to Relationships. AIBU is pretty volatile and you may need some more thoughtful advice to start examining why you're afraid of your husband.

"I'm glad it's just us this weekend" thats the saddest thing in your entire post...
THINK ABOUT WHAT HE BRAVELY TOLD YOU
THINK ABOUT IT

Thatagain there is no question in my mind that this is abuse. Throwing an object at a person is abuse. Getting angry so the people around you have to work on eggshells is abuse.

It is not a woman's job to calm a man down. That man (or any person) should be able to control his own temper or shouldn't be in a relationship.

Should the OP also be giving their son lessons on how to 'calm dad down?' Fuck that!

You were both stressed and frustrated. You were both wrong for losing your temper, you by shouting, him by throwing the keys. I assume he didn't mean to hurt you when he threw them.

He apologised, hopefully you did too. It's no big deal, things like this happen. You both need to work on your communication skills when you are both stressed.

Swing of things - I didn't shout! I raised the volume of my voice slightly. So.no, I didn't apologise

OP please don't listen to the apologists - even if you put this incident to one side (which you shouldn't) why is it ok that you live a life where you worry he will 'kick off' That there is the absolute centre of this, you and your son deserve better. Imagine a life of peace where there is no fear of someone kicking off, do you want it? Start walking towards it and don't stop until you get there, good luck.

Why wouldn’t your DP be happy for you to talk about it in real life? I can only assume that’s because he knows what he did was wrong. He lost control and was aggressive towards you. You say he gets angry a lot and you walk on eggshells - that is not okay or how anybody should feel in a relationship. You should feel like you are his equal, not that you’re stupid or that you deserve and need to be pulled up by him all the time. If he’s getting angry at little things like you misplacing your keys that’s because he thinks that he has authority over you and can tell you off like a school child.

The fact your DS said ‘I’m glad it’s just us this weekend’ is very telling. By staying with your DH you’re showing your DS that it’s okay to treat and be treated with violence and aggression in a relationship. Is that what you want for him?

You either need to leave or you need to stand up for yourself and make it very clear that you will not tolerate being treated like you are beneath him or him getting angry at you. I would be insisting he takes anger management classes too. What if next time it’s your son he loses control with and hurts?

Don't live with someone who makes you feel like that. He has no excuse for his behaviour. Kick him out, and if you're feeling generous, buy him a copy of "I used to be a miserable fuck" and he can learn some lessons.
As a child I lived with an aggressive dad, and was also scared of him. I left xdp because I didn't want my son growing up that way.

I’d ask him to leave.

You need time to process this. Look at your relationship as a whole.

He sounds like he’s becoming more angry, more aggressive and you sound like you’re losing yourself.

What he did is so far from normal behaviour.

What would you tell a friend/sister/daughter to do?

The fact your child said that to you should be enough to tell you that you probably need to withdraw yourself and your child from this situation.

The nagging voice is HIS voice telling you you are overreacting and you are just stupid to react like this.

Forget about that voice. He threw keys at you. Your child KNEW it was wrong. Anybody who would have witness that scene would know it was wrong.
But he isn’t going to admit it, is he? Nope he just apologise vaguely and insisted that somehow you were just as much at fault because you are always misplacing things (are just Stupid?).

Btw has he spoken to your ds and apologised to HIM as well as explaining how out of line he was for behaving that way?
Has he told you it would never happen again with conviction because he is horrified at what he did? Or is it basically his behaviour escalating from words to something more physical?

This is not 'no big deal' - similar to a PP, my DH misplaced stuff all the time, it's pretty irritating sometimes but I've never hurt him and it wouldn't cross my mind to do so, because I love him and violence is never the answer.

I walked him to the school he said "I'm glad its just us this weekend" 😢

Think about it again. What do you think your ds is experiencing? Why does he prefer it when his dad isn’t around?

And why is it that you feel what your DP would feel about being talked about on a forum is somehow more important than how YOU feel about the situation and YOUR needs to feel supported??
What does it tell you about what he has taught you? That HE is right and HIS needs go first and YOu dint matter because YOU are just stupid (and the reason why he is loosing his temper).

Think about the fact you are walking on eggshells because of him. And remeber that your ds will do the same!

How very sad to hear your DS’s reaction and how sad to hear how this makes you feel. I’m hoping that the comments on here reinforce what it sounds like you already know. This is not an acceptable way for you or your DS to be treated and something needs to change.

It's not just one little thing though, it's part of a pattern.

then I panic because I know he's going to kick off which makes it even harder to remember.

This is really troubling, as is the way you end up being made out to be at fault for his "temper" and feeling you can't challenge him.

It sounds like manufactured rage designed to frighten you into submission.

Maybe have a look at this as see if it feels familiar: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Even if he's not abusive (and there are indicators of coercive control here) it's not a healthy dynamic. FP covers what healthy relationships should be like. Might help you figure it out in your own mind without the automatic self-blame he seems to have given you.

I walked him to the school he said "I'm glad its just us this weekend"

That's about the clearest a child can tell you they need you to step up to protect them from someone harmful.

"What I would say to him is in future if he is going to get angry make sure he does it when DS is not around. That has a way of calming the man down. Again hope you all can resolve this and be a stronger happy family. "

Are you on glue @Thatagain ?! OP has said he threw an object at her with the intention of hurting her and that his anger already makes her panic and worry if she does something he wouldn't approve of.

Please don't advise women to tell abusers they should make sure not to do it in front of other people so they can be a stronger happy family. Good grief.

Enjoy your weekend with your DS OP