Mother tells everyone everything

[silly88]

For as long as I can remember, I've felt uncomfortable with how my mother talks about people when they are not present. She tells her friends / family about everything other friends / family are doing, planning, struggles they are going through... it can be very personal things. And a lot of analysis and criticising.

I don't like it. It's dressed up as chit chatting, or concern for a friend but really it's just over sharing even bitching. And she does it about me too. All her friends and family know details about my life that really I wouldn't want spoken (things that have gone wrong in my relationship, my miscarriage my DD's troubles with food) about and I've asked her to not use me as conversation but she does (all the time!) and it's now at the point where I feel I can't discuss anything with her, don't want to hear anything about anyone else and I don't enjoy her company at all. I am on edge. She thinks I am unkind, unwelcoming and unfriendly to her. AIBU for no longer wanting a close relationship?

She sounds exactly like my Mother,I was always on edge when she was talking to people I knew.She split up with my Dad and they had shared custody and she told everyone My Dad was strict and how he would smack my bare bottom when I misbehaved,I was mortified when people I knew found this out.She has no consideration for other peoples feelings and I felt as though the whole village knew about it

My mother is in a small town full of gossips. She was speaking very unkindly about someone I was friends with (but have drifted apart). I pulled her up on it and said it was mean, unfounded gossip and people should keep their thoughts to themselves. She hasn't done it since, but no doubt talks about me.

I would stop telling her anything, unless you are happy for it to be shared.

Have you told her the reason why you don't share much with her any more? Do you think it would do any good?

I agree with others about just not talking to her about anything other than the weather, because I doubt if she will stop!

If someone shows you who they are, believe them. This is the way my mother is. After her last, final and painful betrayal of personal details that she swore she would keep to herself, I have completely stopped sharing anything with her. Mum also says she doesn't understand why I have withdrawn, but I really have such ease of mind. I am pretty sure she now slanders me to the rest of the family, but this is a reflection on her own behaviour rather than mine.

It is pretty awful that we cannot trust our own mothers. My MIL and FIL, however, have shown us we can trust them with anything.

Yes I've made it clear that I don't like how she talks about people. And she knows I have been upset about things she's shared. I've told her even with small trivial details that it's frustrating, why should it be spoken about to others.

She's called me unkind, negative and unwelcoming. This is since I decided to have limited conversation with her and told her why. I suppose I am not warm in her company. She thinks I'm ridiculously uptight about it & it's normal for people to chat about everyone.

Mine is the same ! I've found calling her out on it has helped a little I say wow you sound like a bitter old woman why are u so vindictive!! & then she changed oh I don't mean it like that & changes her tune!

My mum is like this. It’s annoying and thoughtless. I had ptsd from birth trauma after my first was born. It’s not something I would have broadcasted to the world and his wife to be honest. I’m a private person, I sought help and told a select few friends I felt would be supportive. My mum told everyone. She’d even mention it to people she didn’t know or people that had never met me. It annoyed me a lot. It was private and it wasn’t her thing to tell. She has done the same thing other similar things too.

My mother is exactly the same, no I only tell her snippets of information I don’t mind anyone knowing. The conversations are mainly “yes everything is fine”, “nope nothing new”. She ends up bored and now only rings once a month hallelujah!

My mother is like this, she takes pleasure in people's upset and struggles and dines out on gossip. We"re not close, anyway but I tell her nothing.

I think a lot of us go through this to some degree. It takes time for a lot of parents to separate from their chn and respect that they are individuals in their own right, worthy of respect and privacy.

The bottom line is, if you want boundaries here, you're going to have to put them in. Start limiting what you tell her. Don't tell her anything you don't mind being shared. If she probes you on this, just tell her clearly why.

OP, your mother is a horrible gossip and I wouldn't tell her anything.

I cannot bare people who are not discreet. Once I clock that someone might repeat things, I never tell them anything of value.

I wouldn't worry about what your mother said to you.

You have every right to be turned off by her speaking unkindly about her friends.

My mother does this and I no longer tell her anything. Even details of my stillbirth were circulated widely. I don't care why she does it, it's terrible behaviour and one of the reasons I avoid her like the plague.

I would tell her that in fact she is the negative and unfriendly one for gossiping about others and breaking their confidence. I would also ask if she's fine with her friend X (name a specific one) knowing that she's told you all their personal problems. If she claims it would be fine say 'well, I'll check that with them myself'. Bet she backtracks.

Mine is the same, too old to change so I just give her minimum information.

My grandma does this but to random strangers she gets chatting to I dread to think how many randomers know our entire family's life stories and medical history!

Yep, she sounds just like my dm too. I remember getting cystitis when I was 14 and she called in sick to school for me telling the school that I had an STD.

But it’s just constant things that I mention to her she will immediately tell everyone. Watching in hope someone has an answer.

My mum is exactly the same. If I want something kept quiet I don’t tell her. It’s a shame but she doesn’t listen when we say ‘this is why we don’t tell you stuff’. One prime example is my sister had a new baby, and she told her what she was thinking of calling him. Except then cards began to arrive with that name on..... she called him something else by that point! When she said ‘oh I’m in trouble with your sister’ I said ‘that’s why none of us tell you things mum!’

OMG My mother has found her people in your Mothers.
Last week she tried to tell the man behind the desk at the carpet shop a load of awful things about one of my neighbours. I actually hushed her and told her to stop. Then told her as we were leaving to stop telling people stuff thats non of her business. She went very quiet, I knew she got it. She gets all carried away with gossip. I try not to tell her much of anything.

Could we start a village somewhere that we can post all our mothers to? They could live out their years in peace, happily gossiping about their daughters in a safe environment.

Yanbu, if she doesn’t want to respect your wishes/feelings then she doesn’t deserve to have a close relationship with you.

This is exactly like my Mil. She talks about everything other friends and family are doing, planning, struggles they are going through and it can also be very personal things like private medical matters. And yes alot of analysis and criticism. She also uses private information as a way to guilt trip people. I try to not tell her anything private but it's hard to get dh on board. She has asked about my private medical matters in the past and dh has told her.
She has told me about DH's cousin attending therapy because of her parents divorce and issues with her father. That is very private and dh's cousin would not want me to know that as we are practically strangers. I wouldn't want everyone to know I'm in therapy and the reason I'm there. She has told me bil is in therapy for depression because people are bullying him at work as a way to guilt trip me and dh. Again does bil want the whole family to know this?
Last time she was here she was discussing her daughters relationship saying it can't possible work out, they have to break up because the man she is dating has 2 children. This isn't my business. Goodness knows what she says about me being my back.

My mum was like that. I certainly told her off about it more than once. She had her good points though.

I also know about DH's distant relatives who's children having eating disorders and are having therapy for anorexia. She thinks family members have a right to know every personal detail about other family members. No boundaries at all.

Also YANBU to not want to share with your mother. I wouldn't in your case. Some things are private and you have a right to privacy