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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to this sleepover for my 13 year old son...

77 replies

Cactus76 · 19/09/2019 15:56

Please help me out here!! 13 year old son (yr9) - am I being an a overprotective parent or not?
He’s come home from school asking if he can go for a sleepover at X’s house tomorrow night. I’ve barely heard of X before, he’s not one of DS’s close friends (he doesn’t have many unfortunately) and he lives in a small village a fair way from where we live - area is quite rural so we’re all spread around. I’ve said that he can, providing that I’ve had confirmation from X’s parents that this is ok and that I have their contact details. He’s not happy about this at all and has said that no one else’s parents behave like this and he ‘just won’t go then’. Because he’s not had lots of friends and we don’t live near the school, I don’t know many parents in his year to talk to / get more info from. We’ve had a bit of a history of deceptive behaviour lately and he was caught smoking at school this week, so I do have concerns about the direction things are heading.
He’s my eldest, so this is all new territory for me. Is it normal for kids to head off to sleepovers with unknown parents / kids etc at this age?
Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cactus76 · 19/09/2019 17:40

“To be honest, I'd question any parent that agreed to let their child stay at mine without confirmation etc from me!”

100%. I told him that if the parents aren’t interested in making sure that they have my details then I’m not sure I particularly want him staying there anyway!

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 19/09/2019 17:55

He is lying to you.

ConfCall · 19/09/2019 17:58

At that age, I’d have asked for an address and insisted on dropping off. I might not have phoned the parents actually. I can’t recall ever doing so anyway.

But neither of my DS were caught smoking or giving me any cause for concern at that point. So, trust your instincts.

waterrat · 19/09/2019 18:02

I actually feel for him a bit. It might be embarrassing having to ask a friend for his parents number.

As a compromise could you say you will drop him off so you know where he is

tabbiemoo · 19/09/2019 18:07

Why is he going to a sleepover if he was caught smoking at school this week??!

Original poster
Cactus76 · 19/09/2019 18:10

“As a compromise could you say you will drop him off so you know where he is”

I tried suggesting that, but the ‘plan’ (as much as I can gather there is one...) is to get the school bus back to his village so apparently it would be incredibly embarrassing / weird / freaky / etc etc should he come back home to then be driven there by me!

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 19/09/2019 18:13

Yep it's one of the tricks I did when I was really out up to no good.Admitted it to dm and df recently,I'm 39! Df was like Hmm

Original poster
Cactus76 · 19/09/2019 18:13

“Why is he going to a sleepover if he was caught smoking at school this week??!”

That is a very good question!! He has been punished for that already. Plus, he’s found it hard to settle well / make friends at his secondary school (we moved counties at the end of year 6 so he’s gone to sec without knowing anyone), so I’d love to encourage sleepovers / friends etc. If this is a genuine sleepover, I’d actually really like for it to happen!

OP posts:
Thehouseintheforest · 19/09/2019 18:16

I agree with Waterrat . If your son doesn't have many friends and finds it hard to fit in then I wouldn't mind as long as I dropped him off and he has a phone.

Being 'cool' is very Important at this age and you fun the risk of him being the one with the 'weird' parents and him never being invited anywhere again..

Give him a chance. Fuck it up and no more for another year..

youarenotkiddingme · 19/09/2019 18:36

Attack is the first defence!

He's been caught!

Quite frankly if he wanted to go he'd meet your reasonable request for information. Or rather if he wanted to go and do what he said he was Wink

Although I'd refuse on the smoking basis alone.

MouseLouse · 19/09/2019 18:42

NO OP! He's preying on your weakness.

He knows you have concerns about the move.

He is playing you like a violin, don't fall for it!

Tell him he has options - they can stay at yours, you can have the parents phone number or he can sit and sulk.

Stay strong. I understand that your prize for him staying over at a friends it a night to yourself, but don't be fooled. (also, I am relived that nothing has changed since we were all 'orrible teenagers)

alifemoreorlessordinary · 19/09/2019 18:44

how about the discussion along the lines of "if you went missing and the daily mail(puke) knocked on my door in the morning and said "so you didn't know where your 13 yr old son was...you're a bad mother"". It's like they think you're going to follow them and turn up at the "party"/sleepover! Sorry, had this conversation so many times, that when I go out now (rarely) my eldest says to me "where are you going? Do I know these friends? Are you drinking? Not too much? Not driving then if you're drinking? how are you getting home?" Blush

Mucky1 · 19/09/2019 18:46

Yeah he's probably off camping in some creepy woods with his mates and a bottle of cider! 😉 definitely trust your gut.

Iamblossom · 19/09/2019 19:47

No way on earth my 13 yo ds2 would be staying somewhere where i have had zero communication with the parents. A text exchange at the very least. Ditto my 15 yo ds1.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 19/09/2019 19:56

“My y13 17yo has to get contact details for a parent for a family she hasn't stsyrd at before, and i speak to the parent to ok it”

Shocked at that at 17! Good luck if she chooses uni next year Shock

OP at 13 you are def doing the right thing.

Krisskrosskiss · 19/09/2019 20:01

I'd need contact details and address up until the age of 16. And I'd be ringing the number I was given and I'd be dropping them off at the address and watching them go in the door to check it was all legit. Unless it was a family I knew well and they'd stayed with before or something. I think most parents would be like this so hes deffo trying it on with you.

Mrpecksniff · 19/09/2019 20:02

Nope. No parental confirmation, no sleepover here.

Fuzzyend · 19/09/2019 20:04

So at what age would people stop wanting to check with parents? 16?

pigeononthegate · 19/09/2019 20:10

Nope nope nope. My 15yo was supposed to be "at a friend's house" last weekend and we received a tip-off that he and his friends were in fact swigging vodka on a local playing field Angry. I felt like a total fool for trusting him and he's grounded forever for the foreseeable future.

At 13 you can still insist on contacting the parents first. I'd not compromise on this.

Krisskrosskiss · 19/09/2019 20:17
  1. I'd left home at 16 so I'd personally find it hard to have the nerve to ask to speak to the parents of whatever house my 16 year old was staying at!! That's not to say I wouldnt take issue with them going out to places if it was affecting their school work or I thought they were getting into dodgy situations etc... then I'd look into it. But if my 16 year old said to me they were staying at a friends on a weekend night I'd not need an address or phone number. I'd expect them to be back at the time they said they would be though or send a message. And I'd expect them to be conactable on their mobile and reply to messages. Basically if they appeared to be behaving responsibly I'd not need confirmation on where or who they were with. But at 13.... not a chance I'd let my children go anywhere overnight I hadn't contacted the parents of or didnt know the address of.
Timandra · 20/09/2019 18:47

Adults meeting people offsite as part of their job usually have to provide addresses, contact information, etc so their colleagues know where they are going, who they are meeting, etc.

Teenagers on sleepovers should do at least that much.

rainbowstardrops · 21/09/2019 06:00

Did he go to the sleepover OP?

Original poster
Cactus76 · 21/09/2019 07:58

He didn’t in the end as apparently his friend got into trouble for something so his parents cancelled it. NO idea what that was all about, but we have a reprieve for now! I’m going to take the opportunity to have a good chat with him about my expectations for future sleepovers before the next issue arises.

OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 21/09/2019 08:25

@BigSandyBalls2015

My parents always knew where I was and who I was with, up to age 17. Then I left home, went to Uni and all was good. As my Dad said, under my roof I'll worry, under your roof I remember I've done all I can so you make safe choices. Was never a problem for me, and I did whatever everyone else was doing, difference being that my parents knew where I was if there was a problem - I knew I could always call them.

If a 17 year old is happy telling her parents where she is that's I think that's just a respectful relationship. No need to wish them luck for the future.

hettie · 21/09/2019 08:53

It's a party not a sleepover...Glad there are still some sensible adults that would check where their DC were going. Few too many thinking that at 13 kids can do what they like, when they like in my area...DC wouldn't even ask me unless he had contact details as he knows it would be a flat no