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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to this sleepover for my 13 year old son...

77 replies

Cactus76 · 19/09/2019 15:56

Please help me out here!! 13 year old son (yr9) - am I being an a overprotective parent or not?
He’s come home from school asking if he can go for a sleepover at X’s house tomorrow night. I’ve barely heard of X before, he’s not one of DS’s close friends (he doesn’t have many unfortunately) and he lives in a small village a fair way from where we live - area is quite rural so we’re all spread around. I’ve said that he can, providing that I’ve had confirmation from X’s parents that this is ok and that I have their contact details. He’s not happy about this at all and has said that no one else’s parents behave like this and he ‘just won’t go then’. Because he’s not had lots of friends and we don’t live near the school, I don’t know many parents in his year to talk to / get more info from. We’ve had a bit of a history of deceptive behaviour lately and he was caught smoking at school this week, so I do have concerns about the direction things are heading.
He’s my eldest, so this is all new territory for me. Is it normal for kids to head off to sleepovers with unknown parents / kids etc at this age?
Thank you.

OP posts:
CatteStreet · 19/09/2019 16:28

My 14yo would not be sleeping anywhere without me knowing where he was and either text conversation with the parent if I knew them or a phone call if not. And sleepovers certainly wouldn't be happening after him being caught smoking. Where did that come from? 13 is terribly young for that, tbh (yes, I know some children start even younger). Are you keeping an eye on his phone/social media? I'd be concerned, with the smoking and the new 'friend', that he was getting into undesirable company, particularly if he hasn't had many friends (what's the background to that?) and he might be feeling flattered at being included.

brookelopez · 19/09/2019 16:29

agree with everyone else. this is something I would have done at that age, the strop is because he's been caught Grin

Pinkyyy · 19/09/2019 16:29

If he was caught smoking at school then these is no way he should be rewarded with a sleepover. Regardless of any of the other stuff.

CatteStreet · 19/09/2019 16:31

Really, higgyhog? At 13? My dc's friends are welcome here, of course, but I really wouldn't be happy with one of them (never mind several) being in my home overnight without my knowing. I'm responsible for them if they're under my roof, after all.

CarysRed · 19/09/2019 16:32

Definitely trust your gut! I don’t have a teenager of my own, but my mum always wanted me to give her the contact details of parents. I always would, because I was never up to something.

WorryBadger · 19/09/2019 16:36

no one else’s parents behave like this

Aye they do.

Nice try, son Grin

Ringdonna · 19/09/2019 16:38

Sounds v dodgy to me.

Timandra · 19/09/2019 16:40

If he was caught smoking at school then these is no way he should be rewarded with a sleepover.

Unless the punishment for the smoking is grounding during the time of the sleepover, the two things aren't related.

I would assume that the OP has dealt with the smoking in whatever way she feels appropriate and they have moved on.

It seems odd to suggest that the OP is allowing the sleepover as a reward for smoking.

KurriKurri · 19/09/2019 16:42

Probably the other boy (s) involved have been using each other as alibis - You are probably also (unknown to you) hosting a fictional sleepver this weekend Grin
Perefectly normal to ask for confirmation, contact details etc etc from other parents, as other's have said he's stropping because he's been caught out.
I'd point out that trust has to be earned, and it isn't earned by illicit smoking and being cagey about dodgy sleepovers.
Then you can stand back and watch him fling himself all over the place and tell you you are the worse parent in the world - oh the joys of parenting teens Grin

The problem with being 13 is your desire to get up to all sorts of mischief far outweighs your ability to lie convincingly.

higgyhog · 19/09/2019 16:43

I felt my sons were quite "grown up" and sensible at 13. DS2 now flatshares with 2 of this little group in London. I always kept an open house for them and can't see what supervision a group of boys of this age who were into board games and X box could need. I suppose really that the fact that they b;oth turned out OK is the proof of the pudding, both graduated from Russell Group universities and have good jobs. Maybe we were a bit less hung up and more relaxed 10 years ago.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/09/2019 16:44

It's amazing to me that each generation thinks they're first to use the old 'tell your parents it's a sleepover' ploy. I'm sure that either Cain or Abel used it on Adam & Eve.

Of course, it's a 'no'. If he complains you shrug and say "Your choice, dear. I'm not stopping you from going, you're stopping yourself".

jayho · 19/09/2019 16:50

It isn't normal not to have contact.

My 15yo had a sleepover last week. I spoke to the parents of both the children in advance. One had been told by their child they were staying somewhere else. However, they agreed once we had spoken.

Mine had asked if they could have alcohol with supper - a fruit cider. I cleared this with the other parents who agreed. After supper they asked to go to the park at the end of the road. Came home 2 hours later absolutely pissed. One of the others had a six pack of beer and half a bottle of spirits with them.

They are deceptive little buggers at this age. Whatever precautions you put in place they will try to get round them, I did at that age I'm afraid.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/09/2019 16:54

Being caught smoking would be enough for me to say no.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2019 16:55

hahaha if that's genuinely what he was doing, he would have no issue with giving you the contact, I suspect he specifically said this boy as you can't contact his parents...........

SunshineAngel · 19/09/2019 17:02

I know there's already been a lot of replies, but we would absolutely want details of where DSS was if he slept over anywhere. It's not just a case of checking up on him, but there are all kinds of reasons you might need to get in touch. If he doesn't want to go because of that then that's fine, but I think it's completely reasonable.

PandaG · 19/09/2019 17:02

My y13 17yo has to get contact details for a parent for a family she hasn't stsyrd at before, and i speak to the parent to ok it. Conversely, I say yes to any of her friends sleeping over, even at very short notice - ie as they arrive back after a party, but I do insist the guest texts a parent so they know where they are.

I may seem overprotective, but that was the deal at 12 when she started staying with friends I don't know, and as she knows I will check the story out she has never pulled a fast one on me.

littlecabbage · 19/09/2019 17:03

In this day and age, I would always be wary of the possibility of a child that age going off to meet somebody they had “met” on the internet. Which could end very badly indeed. Not wishing to scaremonger, but I think it should be borne in mind.

I agree that it is very suspicious that he won’t let you contact the parents of his supposed friend. He is still a child, and you should definitely know where he is, especially overnight.

Original poster
Cactus76 · 19/09/2019 17:11

Thank you everyone. Basically totally confirming exactly what I’m feeling! He’s all full of the ‘you don’t want me to have friends’ and ‘I’ll look like a complete freak if I ask him for his parents’ number’. Quite frankly if he was having a sleepover at my house, I’d want the numbers of the kids’ parents in case of emergency / accident etc. That’s what’s always happened in the past. I’ve made it very very clear that the choice is entirely down to him - if he wants to go, then he can, providing that I’ve been furnished with this phone number first. And it’s been met with the full range of teenage responses!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cactus76 · 19/09/2019 17:12

Regarding the smoking incident, yes, I’ve dealt with that separately. We live 3 miles from the nearest anything, he can’t go anywhere without me driving him and he doesn’t really go out to see friends much so grounding isn’t a punishment that works under our circumstances.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 19/09/2019 17:17

He’s not happy about this at all and has said that no one else’s parents behave like this and he ‘just won’t go then’.

I would say fine, don’t go.

Then see what happens ...

JesusHRooseveltChristAgain · 19/09/2019 17:21

My eldest is the same age, and recently asked to sleepover with friend we don't know. Same rules, we need to speak to parents beforehand. Stick to your guns! He's still only 13!

Dieu · 19/09/2019 17:26

OP, you were perfectly reasonable. You said he could go if there was confirmation from the parents first. He wasn't up for that, so it's his own fault if he misses out.
I have a 13 year old daughter though, and very much feel your pain Grin

Original poster
Cactus76 · 19/09/2019 17:28

“I would say fine, don’t go.

Then see what happens”

Something similar happened before. He phoned me when out with friends to say he was going to stay over. Different friends, same situation that I didn’t know them. I asked for contact details and he refused to get / give them and said he wouldn’t go and he didn’t.
As this is now the second time it’s happened I was starting to wonder whether it’s juts me being old fashioned!!
He’ll enjoy using this as evidence that I hate him and don’t want him having any friends!! The joys of being the parent of a teenager...

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 19/09/2019 17:34

I think you've done the right thing asking for the parent's details so that you can confirm that they're happy with it all.
If he says no then he doesn't go!
To be honest, I'd question any parent that agreed to let their child stay at mine without confirmation etc from me!

Marinetta · 19/09/2019 17:39

When I was around that age some girls in my class would tell their parents they were staying at X's house but really went out trying to get in to bars/drinking in the park/sneaking in to boyfriend's house and generally doing stuff they shouldn't have been. Your son is probably up to something similar.